A Country Falls (Greatest Thief 3) - Chapter 43: Chapter 43

"I'll race you, Tannix!"
I laughed. "You can't ride that well."
Tairia brought her horse around to circle in front of me. She rode astride as she always had, my parents having insisted it was more practical than side-saddle. Her long blond hair was braided and then pulled together into a bun, to keep it out of her way. Her horse was a feisty dapple grey mare, a horse she had ridden with impressive skill throughout the afternoon. Truthfully, my little sister was becoming a talented rider.
"I've been practicing," Tairia said.
My horse wasn't built for racing. He wasn't the warhorse I would ride once I joined the army, but he was still built like one—sturdy and strong. I could outride Tairia, but I wasn't sure if my horse could outpace hers.
"I can tell," I said. "But—"
"Go on, Tandrix." Nearby, mother was riding the brown mare she had owned for my entire life. The old horse plodded along contently. Behind her, Acen and Jalor were riding side by side, and four of my mother's guards followed.
"Or," Tairia draw out the word, teasing me, "Are you worried about losing in front of your guards? How scandalous." Grinning, she turned to mother. "Lord West Draulin being beaten by his younger sister."
Mother smiled. "It would be very embarrassing."
"All right," I agreed, laughing. It was strange being ganged up on by them. I had never spent time with just my mother and Tairia. When we were younger, Tandrin and I had usually backed each other up. Or, if father was involved in the teasing, it was often parents against children.
I felt both of their absences in that moment, but rather than let myself get sucked into sadness, I adjusted my hands on the reins. I could race Tairia. Win or lose, my little sister deserved the joyful moment. She deserved my best, no matter how I was feeling.
"Don't even think of going easy on me." Tairia echoed my thought. Clicking her tongue, she turned her horse around. "To that big pine on the hill?"
I nodded. We reined in the horses to stand side by side. Our shifting energy had them both perking up, eager to get moving.
"Ready?" Mother called. "On three. One, two, three!"
Tairia took off, just as I had suspected. Her horse was fast. We bolted after them, but as eager as my horse was to catch up, he couldn't quite make it. Tairia kept just ahead as we galloped down the road, laughing with delight. When we raced past the tree and slowed our horses to a gentle canter and then a trot, Tairia was nearly glowing with pride.
She grinned at me as we turned to trot back to our mother and the guards. "I'm getting good, aren't I?"
I nodded, laughing. "I'm not too embarrassed to admit it."
"Well, I've had ages to practice," she pointed out. "We haven't ridden together since before you went to the Order, and I was only eleven then." She slowed her mare to a walk, and my horse kept pace. "After this is all over, when you come home..."
We were close enough for me to reach across the gap between our horses and pat her knee. "Let's go riding more often, when I come home." I didn't say 'if', and neither did she.
Tairia looked first at my hand, then raised her eyes to meet my gaze. "You're going to need a faster horse if you expect to beat me." She was trying to be funny, but I could hear the waver of suppressed tears in her voice.
To reassure her, I smiled. "I don't think I have the right build to race horses. I'm too heavy."
"That," Tairia said, with a dramatic shrug, "sounds like an excuse." But she smiled again. "I'll hold you to that, Lord West Draulin. No matter how busy you get, you're going to come riding with me. At least once a week."
I held out my hand, and with exaggerated seriousness, Tairia grasped it and we shook hands.
"Deal," I said.
Evrik was waiting in the hallway outside of my chamber, arms crossed, comfortably leaning against the wall. He smiled when we reached him. "So, how was your birthday ride?"
"Good," I said vaguely, quickly moving on. "How's Finn? I hope you kept him busy?"
Evrik laughed. "He's been fleecing us for the past few hours."
I smiled. The very fact that my men kept gambling with Finn, even though he always won, would never cease to amuse me. "He isn't fleecing you unless he's cheating."
Still laughing, Evrik shrugged. "Maybe he's cheating, then. He had the twins help him out with something earlier." He nodded towards my door. "A gift, maybe?"
I glanced at my door. "I didn't expect him to—"
"You're not really supposed to expect surprises," Evrik said.
"Right, yes." I wanted to burst into the room to see what Finn had done, but I managed a more dignified nod. "Of course. Jalor, please tell the men I'm sorry I didn't come down to see them today, and send Finn up."
Jalor nodded, but instead of looking at me, he was exchanging a glance with Evrik. Evrik, quite clearly struggling to stifle a laugh, lifted one shoulder in a half shrug.
"What?" I asked, looking between the two of them. "You know I don't like it when you do this. Glance at each other as if I'm not around."
Evrik looked down at his crossed arms and shook his head. "It's nothing, Tannix. He's just reminding me of something Acen said this morning, that's all."
"What did Acen say?" I asked.
Jalor answered. "He said that Evrik was supposed to make Finn practice throwing knives today. He won't be happy to hear that you all gambled away the afternoon." He nodded at me again. "Have a good night, sir. Evrik," he added sharply.
Evrik lost the struggle against his laughter. "Yes, I know."
Jalor stared at him a moment longer before heading down the hallway, towards the staircase that led down to their private courtyard and rooms. When he disappeared from sight, I rested my hand on my door handle.
"Should I ask why you're lying to me?"
"Jalor doesn't lie," Evrik said.
No, he didn't. Jalor was too proper for something like that. Still, something was off. It just probably wasn't worth the effort of worrying about. My knights weren't in the habit of keeping important things from me. So instead of pressing Evrik for more, I just smiled tiredly. "All right. I don't believe you, but I'll leave it alone. Good night."
"Good night, sir."
Leaving him chuckling to himself, I stepped into my room. It was impossible to not notice the arrangement of mirrors near the windows. I circled them once, careful not to move any, but couldn't make sense of them. I didn't have time to really try to figure it out. Finn would be here soon.
I cast a quick glance over at my bookshelves, and the sliding doors that hid my gifts for Finn. It had been so hard to set up without giving anything away. But I was fairly certain I had done a good job. Finn couldn't possibly know about the surprise. Even though Joen had not only approved of my idea, but had helped make it possible, I still felt nervous about the gift. Religion was complicated. Finn would forgive any blunders on my part, I knew that, but I still dreading making them.
I stepped behind the changing screen and peeled off my sweaty tunic. I tossed it into the laundry basket, and my pants soon followed. I picked out a new pair of black pants and was pulling them on when I heard indistinct voices in the hallway. A moment later, my door opened. Light footsteps crossed the room, and I could hear him moving near the mirrors.
"Are you going to tell me what those are about?" I grabbed a new blue tunic and stepped out from behind the changing screen. Finn looked at me. His gaze caught on my chest for a moment before flickering up to meet my eyes. That glance helped settle the fluttering in my stomach. "I have a perfectly good mirror behind the screen. I know what I look like."
The corners of his mouth lifted in a smile and he nearly rolled his eyes as he turned back to the mirror. "It isn't about you." He touched one of the mirrors, moving it so slightly to the right that it hardly seemed necessary.
If he wasn't going to look at me, there was no reason to keep my tunic off. So I pulled it over my head while crossing the room to settle on the armrest of my couch. "No? But it's my birthday."
He didn't turn around, instead focusing on another one of the mirrors. "Did you have a nice time with Tairia and your mother?"
He asked plainly, no hint of jealously or annoyance. Still, the slight guilt I had felt all day came back. The last thing I had wanted was for him to feel left behind. "Yes," I said, as evenly as I could. It was true, of course, the ride had been good for us. "We needed the time away. And it's been a long time since I went riding." Soon, I would be doing not much besides riding, but I didn't want to think about that yet. Instead, for a moment a let myself imagine buying Finn a horse and teaching him to ride. Surely Tairia wouldn't mind him coming along.
Finn moved over to the largest mirror. He didn't seem upset. He was a very believable actor, but I didn't think he would be able to hide that from me. Relieved, I let curiosity take over. "What are you doing?"
He turned around. "I couldn't think of a gift for you, and I know that's part of birthdays."
I almost interrupted. Almost told him that I didn't care about a gift. But he continued before I could.
"But then I thought that maybe a gesture would mean more than a gift. So..."
He tapped the mirror with his foot. The slight change in angle changed everything. Suddenly the meticulous placement of the mirrors made sense. The mirror reflected the full moon, framing it as if it was a painting of the night sky. It was beautiful, but...
I stood and moved closer to him. "It's beautiful. But I don't understand. Is this instead of dragging me onto the roof to look at the moon?"
Finn shook his head. He sounded nervous as he started to speak. "In Deorun, I told you that if you asked me to, I'd—"
The memory came back to me as clear as if it happened that very day. Finn, barely woken up after the poisoned arrow. I asked him to steal a ship, because it seemed like our only option, and because I was sure that he could do it. And he had said, in that tone he sometimes used when he was trying to pretend he wasn't brilliant, that for me he would—
"—steal the moon. Come here," I said, reaching for him.
Finn took my hand and I pulled him snugly against my chest. I wrapped my arms around him, loving the way his head tucked under my chin.
"I thought that when you're with the army," he said quietly, "you can look up at night and see the moon and remember this."
I would. The moon and sunsets. It didn't matter how tired I would be on the march; I would stay up every night to see them. To remember him. "I love it. I love you." It was his turn now. I had something to give him that would hopefully comfort him while I was gone, the way the moon would now comfort me. Caught up in the thought, I didn't even notice that he had started speaking until it was already too late. "I have something for you, too."
He turned in my arms, and I could nearly feel his confusion. "Why?"
Why was a good question, and really I should have brought my idea up earlier. I caught his hand. "You don't know your birthday, so I thought maybe we could celebrate it on the same day as mine. So I got you a gift." I immediately felt the need to clarify. "Well, Joen helped. I mean it was my idea, but he had to help me." I really should have planned out this speech, but hopefully he thought my fumbling was endearing. "It'll make sense. Come here."
He followed me across the room. My bookshelves had, luckily, already been perfectly designed for my surprise. I retrieved the key from behind a model of Adeno's castle that my grandmother had once given me. It really wasn't a good hiding place, I knew that.
So did Finn. "That's the first place I'd look for a key."
"Good thing I'm not trying to hide it from you," I teased, while unlocking the sliding doors on the middle shelf. Nerves fluttered in my stomach as I slid the doors open.
Finn let go of my hand and reached for the Zianesa statuette. There was so much reverence in the gentle way he picked it up, as if the goddess herself was in the statue. I didn't really have anything comparable. The Goddess appeared in pictures, but they were just pictures. Only a few steps away, a painting of her hung above my fireplace. But I never prayed to it as if it was actually her standing there. I would never fully understand what these statuettes meant to him.
I spoke into the silence, unsure if he would actually pay me enough attention to hear what I was saying. "So... in Navire, that beautiful temple... and then seeing what you had in Zianna. I hate thinking about how much your people lost. I wanted to give some of it back to you. Joen told me people often keep shrines in their houses of a few important gods. He also found an artisan he knows from East Draulin, who managed to escape, and arranged for her to make these. I wasn't sure who you'd like. I got Zianesa, because I know she's Zianna's patron. Joen said that if West Draulin had a patron it would probably be Roe, so I got him. I've heard you mention Lukk before. And Lovi..." I could only hope that I had made good choices. Finn was still looking at the statuette of Zianesa, turning her in his hands to inspect every detail. "Well. I owe her quite a bit. But if there's anyone else, I'm sure Joen's friend would make more."
He still hadn't said anything. Carefully, he put down the Zianesa statue and looked at the others. I wished I could see his face, to read his expression. Was he happy? Or had I misstepped?
"Finn? I didn't do anything wrong, did I? Joen said—"
"You didn't do anything wrong."
"Oh." The fluttery nerves in my stomach settled. "Good. Do you like them?"
"I love them." He turned around, his face nearly glowing with happiness. "I love you." He was copying me, teasing me. But I knew he meant it.
I pulled him into my arms again. It was such a relief, both that he liked the gift and that I no longer had to hide it from him. He wasn't easy to hide things from. "Well, I'm glad we agree on that. So, what do you think of sharing a birthday?"
"It's a great idea."
"That means you're eighteen," I said.
"More or less."
I laughed. His age had always been a guess, based on mine. He could have been older, possible even younger. But I was pretty confident that we had his birth year right. 406. Two years after me. Celebrating on the first day of the new year made keeping track very easy.
"All right," I said. Now without the distraction of nerves, I remembered that he had tried to say something after showing me the moon. "I interrupted you earlier. What were you going to say?"
"Oh. Just that I have something else planned." Finn pulled away from me, but grabbed my hand. He took a moment to carefully close the doors of his new shrine. He stepped around me and tugged on my hand. Curiously I followed, expecting us to stop by the mirrors again.
But then he walked past the mirrors.
And then he reached for the curtain around my bed and pulled it aside.
My heart skipped a beat. Possibly a couple beats. I went still, resisting when he gave my hand another tug.
It would have been a lie to claim that I hadn't thought about it. Hadn't wanted it. But Finn's comfort always meant more to me than what I wanted. There was a nagging concern at the back of my mind, that he might be offering this because it was my birthday, and not because he truly wanted to. I had to know.
"Finn. Are you sure?"
There was no hesitation in his eyes when he met mine. He pulled on my hand again, trying to draw me closer. "Yes."
I let instinct take over and stepped closer to kiss him. Finn rose to meet me, looping his arms around my shoulders. I wrapped my arms around his back, reveling in the familiar way he fit against me. Kissing his lips wasn't enough. I wanted more of him and my kisses wandered, first along his jaw, then to his neck.
It wasn't the first time I'd kissed him like this, but it was the first time I really let myself consider what came next. Every other time the circumstances hadn't been right. Imminent danger, one of my knights opening the door. Even the fact that we had never really discussed it. I didn't know what to do.
I did, though. I knew enough. I just wasn't used to a physical activity being new. I wasn't used to not being good at something.
I needed to be good at this. Finn deserved nothing less than my best. And if I was honest with myself, that doubt was likely the biggest obstacle. But as I kissed the delicate skin at his neck, I tried to force that anxiety away.
Surely everybody felt like this at first?
Despite being lost in my thoughts, my body seemed to know what to do. I had moved us, and Finn was lying on the bed beneath me. I propped myself up with one hand, leaning over him as my other hand slipped under his tunic. I pulled it up and he wiggled enough to help me get it off. Tossing it aside, I turned my attention back to him.
I had seen him without a tunic before, although usually in very different situations. I was used to shirtless men. Spending so much time with my knights made avoiding the sight nearly impossible. I found nothing alluring about my men changing, or helping bandage a wound. Almost every time I had seen Finn without a tunic, it had been the same clinical sort of circumstance.
Our upcoming activity changed the way I looked at him, and my gaze caught on the circular scar on his right shoulder. Instead of a healed scar on a friend, I suddenly saw it in a new light. This was a wound I should have prevented, on the person I loved most in the world. I had done this to him, as surely as if I had shot the arrow myself.
"Tannix? I don't blame you."
Of course he didn't, he was too selfless. But he was wrong. "You should," I whispered. I touched the mark gently with my thumb, unsure why, and immediately regretted it when he flinched. "Did that hurt?"
His eyes didn't leave mine as he shook his head.
It hurt to think about his scars, but I couldn't stop. It was almost frustrating, but it was as if I had to acknowledge them before I could move on. No, I corrected myself, it wasn't acknowledging them. It was something more than that. I had to look at each one. I had to remember how I had hurt him. Each old wound needed to be apologized to and loved and...
I lowered my head to kiss the circular arrow wound that had nearly killed him. He had taken it to save Mayah. Because we weren't fast enough. The knights weren't fast enough. I wasn't fast enough. He had almost died because I allowed him to come along on a reckless rescue mission.
Finn trembled as my lips brushed against the wound. He moved his right hand, maybe to run his hand through my hair—he enjoyed doing that—but I caught it first and sat up.
His old wounds needed to be worshipped. Every single one of them.
"You never told me that you consider it your bad wrist."
Acen had had to tell me in Navire, after admitting that he was putting Finn through some training. He called it his bad wrist because it had never healed right. How could it? He'd been in prison. I'd put him in prison. After he broke his wrist by throwing himself off of the top of the Order's gate, just to save my life. I'd put him in prison. Not once, but twice. Of course his wrist hadn't healed right.
Since Acen had told me, I felt bad for not noticing myself. I tried to tell myself that not noticing wasn't my fault. After all, Acen was very good at seeing weaknesses in people, it was an important part of his job. Still, I shouldn't have needed to be told.
"It's fine," Finn tried to protest. "Just sometimes it... I never told you be—" He faltered when I kissed his wrist, right where it was scarred from his prison manacles. I had cleaned them to the best of my abilities after getting him out, but it was still my fault.
I shifted my attention to his left arm and gently picked it up. First I kissed the scars on his knuckles, grateful that at least he hadn't lost any fingers to crushing device. I could have—should have—broken faster. He shouldn't have even been there.
He had similar manacle scars marring his left wrist. I kissed the patch of rough skin. On the surface, the scars were evidence of wearing manacles. But beyond that, they represented so much more harm that I had done to him. A lost year of life, filled with nothing but a looming execution date and painful, blistered wrists.
I would never know how he got through it without losing his mind. But whenever I thought about it, I was in awe of his incredible resilience.
Had I done my best to get him out of prison? Of course. But it hadn't been fast enough. I just wasn't good enough at protecting him.
The brand on his left shoulder caught my attention next. Another failure. I traced it lightly with one finger before giving it a kiss. Nearby, the thin line curved over his shoulder received another kiss. From time to time I had nightmares about that day. I was always trapped in the nightmares, unable to throw myself in front of the whip as I had eventually done in real life. But again, I hadn't stepped into the way soon enough.
Without lifting my head, I whispered, "These are all my fault." I kissed the whip scar again, then dotted a few more along his collarbone until I was kissing his neck.
I would do better, I swore to myself. I wouldn't fail to protect him again.
Finn deserved nothing less than my best.