A North Carolina Autumn - Chapter 48: Chapter 48

"Rylie..." I try to speak past the tightness in my throat.
"Do you like it?" She asks nervously. "I feel like ferris wheels are our thing and I'd been wanting a matching tattoo with you basically since we met and I thought this would be perfect since..."
"I love it." I whisper.
"You do?" Rylie says softly. "You're not just saying that so you don't hurt my feelings?"
"No," I giggle. "I truly love it. Ferris wheels are our thing. What made you choose this spot?" I ask, suddenly curious.
"A few reasons." Riley smiles as she gently traces my tattoo. "I wanted our ring fingers for sure, and it obviously had to be the right hand since we already have wedding rings on the left. The right hand also seemed perfect since that's the arm we wear our bracelets on." She gestures to the matching bracelets she'd gotten us at the fair we went to while at camp. "It was even more perfect that we'd gone on the Ferris wheel the night I got these.
"You already know I absolutely love this necklace, and I knew it would be perfect as a tattoo. Oh, speaking of that night, that was the first time I held your hand. Not counting the times I held it 'as a friend'." She giggles. "It was your right hand."
"You remember which hand it was?" I whisper.
"I remember everything when it comes to you, my love." Rylie replies sweetly.
"Do you have any idea what that means to me? Or how much I love you?"
"I might have a little idea..." Rylie replies and I can't help but kiss her, enjoying the feel of the smile on her lips.
"Thank you for this." I finally say once we break apart. "I really do love it."
"I really hoped you would. I'm glad you trust me." Rylie laughs.
"It's really easy to trust you. I think you only have my best interest at heart."
"Oh definitely. Speaking of, I think the best thing for you right now would be to finish what we started earlier..."
"Mmm... I was hoping you'd say that." I reply as I take the necklace from her hand and carefully put it back around her neck. I trail my fingers down to her collarbone once the chain is secure, letting my lips follow behind. "Have I told you recently how soft your skin is, and how obsessed with it I am?"
"I don't think you have..." Rylie answers, and satisfaction flows through me as her voice quivers.
"In that case, I need to do better." I reply before lifting her shirt over her head. Next, I push her down onto her back and press my lips back to her skin, letting my mouth tell her how perfect she is.
My fingers travel along the edge of her lace bra for just a moment before slipping beneath, and I enjoy the way her back arches as she moans. I take my time with undressing Rylie, using my eyes, lips and words to make sure she knows how much I appreciate her body.
"You are absolutely perfect, Ry." I whisper as I take her in. "I'll never be able to tell you that enough."
Rylie responds by pulling me back towards her before kissing me softly. "I love you so much, Aspen." She whispers. I can hear the emotion in her voice, feel it in her touch, and see it in her eyes as they lock on mine.
The way Rylie makes me feel, both in moments like this and simple moments throughout just normal days, is a feeling like no other. Being able to feel her love for me made everything okay, even on the worst days.
"I love you, Rylie. More than I could ever put into words." I reply in a whisper as my own emotion bubbles up inside of me. I kiss her gently for a while, wanting to take my time with loving her and sharing soft words and touches.
Several minutes pass before Rylie takes control and flips us over so she can straddle me. She quickly removes my clothes before studying my nearly naked body and butterflies erupt in my stomach as her gaze leaves a trail of heat along my skin. She presses her lips to my neck and I fail to suppress a moan at the contact. Her lips against my skin sends shivers down my spine and quickly builds the heat between my legs.
Rylie seems to sense what I'm feeling and shifts before pressing her thigh to the sensitive area, bringing another moan from my lips moments before she kisses me again. The pressure of her thigh feels so good and my hips begin moving almost involuntarily, my body craving more.
"I need you, Ry." I gasp against her mouth. She kisses me again, allowing me to feel the smile on her lips. I whimper as she pulls her leg away, but Rylie only smirks.
"Be patient, baby." She murmurs before moving down. She slowly pulls my panties down and I bite my lip as the cool air hits my swollen center. Holding my moans in is suddenly much more difficult as Rylie's mouth replaces the cool air, and it only gets more difficult as she begins doing the things my body had been craving.
It only takes me a couple of minutes to get out of the nightmare this time, but that doesn't make me feel much better. The familiar scent of my sweat fills my nostrils as I pull at the damp shirt sticking to my skin. A quick glance at Rylie shows her sleeping peacefully, one hand tucked beneath the pillow, the other hidden somewhere in the warm blankets. Even though I know she would want me to wake her, even though I know she would help, I can't.
I need to learn how to handle these nightmares on my own. I can't keep doing this to Rylie, at least not every time.
With the memory of the nightmare still fresh in my mind, I know sleep won't be an option for a while, at least not until I calm down all the way. I needed something to distract me until then. The letters from earlier pop into my mind and I slip quietly from the bed, figuring now is as good a time as any to read them.
I'll just avoid the ones written for Gabe.
But the moment I'm in the bathroom with the door shut and the letters in my hands, I know that's not going to happen. As I thumb through each letter and separate them into piles, the pile of letters with Gabe's name continues to grow, and I finally give in and pick it up. I take a moment to sort them out by date before opening the earliest one.
My eyes scan the words I'd written when I was nearly 15, when Gabe and I first met. Everything had been good, at first. Really good. Gabe had treated me so well, and I'd always been surprised that he was interested in me, of all people. He was tall, attractive, and put together. People always liked him and adults never stopped talking about how talented and well mannered he was.
My mother specifically had been a big push for me to start dating Gabe. "He's so polite and handsome, his parents raised him well. Gabe is much more mature than other boys his age, the boys your age will never compare to him, Aspen. It's smart to date someone older, especially someone like Gabe." She'd always say things like this, especially when I'd bring up anything about being unsure of him as our relationship progressed.
"I'm not even 15 yet, mom. You and dad always said no dating before 16." I'd argued.
"Things change, Aspen. Your father isn't here, but I'm sure even he would like Gabe. You'll be 15 in three months anyway, I'm willing to let it slide." She'd replied with a wink.
"Even though he's almost 18?" I had still been trying to find excuses, although I couldn't figure out why.
"Like I said, he's mature and will treat you better than the boys your age."
Eventually, I'd convinced myself that there was nothing to worry about with Gabe. I finally started to spend more time with him, and I could see why everyone liked him so much.
I couldn't help but enjoy the attention he'd give me. When we would hang out with our friends, it was like I was the only person that mattered to him. I started looking forward to seeing him and sitting close enough that his leg would touch mine.
But thinking about it now, I wonder if I'd developed my feelings on my own, or if they had been influenced by the people pushing us together. As time went on, I'd managed to convince myself that I had the feelings I was supposed to have for Gabe.
Since meeting Rylie, and building the relationship we have, I've seen how wrong I was. Nothing had been real with Gabe, not the way it is with Rylie. What I have with Rylie is real and she shows me that every day.
The letters go on, talking about the dates we started going on, the way he treated me, the way I began to feel like I finally belonged to someone. One line in particular in the 6th letter really stands out to me.
"He's really protective of me. Almost possessive, but in a sweet way." I'd written a smiley face at the end.
I was so naïve back then. A tear slips down my cheek as I feel sad for my younger self that had no idea what was to come.
What was to come? Gabe's nasty voice sounds again in my head. You have the letters right in front of you showing how good I was to you. Things only changed because of you. He growls.
A tight feeling begins to grow in my chest and I struggle to pull a full breath in. After breaking up with Gabe, I'd been able to see that I hadn't been at fault for his abuse. But as I look at the letters and think back to the recent nightmares, I feel myself slipping.
The grey paint of the cabinet doors in front of me begins to blur as my breathing quickens in time with the tears. Maybe I am to blame.
You're finally getting it. Gabe's voice in my head causes a shift inside of me. Something breaks, something I'd been trying so hard to hold together, and I can no longer breathe. I know I need to calm myself, but feel as if I'm no longer in control. The sudden need to do something to stop the attack is nearly overwhelming, but what could I do?
Under the sink.
I don't know if the voice this time is mine or Gabe's. Without a second thought, I quickly open the cabinet and reach for the small grey bundle, knowing exactly where it is.
As I unwrap it, another voice in my head begs me to stop and go to Rylie instead. But Gabe's voice is louder, and I know there's only one way to get it to stop.
Five minutes later, I sit with my back against the tub as I press a Band-Aid to my skin, covering the two thin lines on my wrist.
They're small and shallow, they'll heal quickly. I think, trying to ignore the guilt I was beginning to feel. The guilt that was all too familiar.
"Fuck." I breathe out before resting my head on my knees. I relapsed.
The thought threatens to bring another wave of tears, but a soft knock on the door pushes the feeling away and my head snaps up.
"Aspen? Are you okay?" Rylie's voice sounds through the door.
"Yeah..." I reply hurriedly as I try to quietly clean up. "Just a second." I say before tossing tissue and wrappers into the trash. If I'd been thinking clearly, I would've flushed it down the toilet. But I wasn't thinking clearly.
After a quick scan of the bathroom to make sure I didn't miss anything, I shut off the light and open the door to find Rylie's silhouette in the dark hallway.
"Hey," She pushes off the wall and takes my hands. "You okay?"
"Yeah." I reply, and I mean it. I was feeling somewhat better. "I think I ate something bad and wanted to stay by the toilet until the nausea went away." I say with a little laugh. I hated lying, especially to Rylie, but I didn't want her to worry. The guilt from relapsing is still there, but I'm determined to have this be the last time.
I'll tell her if it gets bad again. I promise myself silently.
"I'm sorry, baby. Do you need anything?" Rylie asks sweetly.
She wouldn't be so sweet if she knew.
"I think I'm good, just a little cold." I reply, shoving the voice away. It isn't a lie, I am cold and it also gave me a good reason to wear a long sleeve shirt.
I quickly slip into the closet to put the letters away and grab a sweater before climbing back beneath the covers. Rylie pulls me into her arms, and I feel the rest of my negative emotions fade away.
"I love you, baby." Rylie whispers softly, sleep heavy in her voice.
"I love you so much, Ry." I answer, letting her warm embrace comfort me. A familiar sting begins beneath the Band-Aid, and I run my fingers lightly over my sleeve. I need to keep this from Rylie, but only this once.
I can't lie to her again. It will only hurt her if she finds out I relapsed instead of going to her.
Even with this promise, I am determined to not let it get that bad again.
Staying away from anything related to Gabe is the only way to do that. I think before finally slipping back into a deep sleep free of nightmares.
If only the Gabe related things wanted to stay away from me as much as I want to stay away from them.