A North Carolina Autumn - Chapter 51: Chapter 51

When I wake in the morning, Rylie's side of the bed is empty. I instantly beginning worrying. Did she even come home last night? The moment I have the thought, I hear the front door open and close, followed by the sound of keys on the counter top. I breathe out a sigh of relief and move out from under the covers as Rylie enters the bedroom.
"Hi..." I say tentatively.
"Hey." Rylie's reply is short and she avoids my gaze, making it obvious that something is still bothering her.
I frown and head to the bathroom, wondering how to find out what's going on with her. When I get back, Rylie stands beside the bed, folding laundry.
"Can we talk?" I ask softly, tugging at my sleeves nervously.
"About what?" She replies without looking up.
"About what's wrong."
"Nothing's wrong, Aspen."
"Ry, why won't you talk to me? It feels like you're hiding something."
"I'm hiding something?" She says, finally meeting my eyes.
My heart drops at her words, and I struggle to pull in another breath. "What do you mean?" My throat is tight, making it hard to get the words out. She can't know. I've been so careful.
"I thought I was crazy. I told myself I was crazy. I saw the trash, but brushed it off. You would've come to me if it was that."
"Ry..." My voice breaks.
"You seemed happy and normal so I told myself you must've accidentally cut yourself while shaving or something."
She knows.
My legs feel weak and I slide down the wall as tears well up in my eyes. "I'm so sorry." I whisper, but Rylie doesn't hear. I glance up to see her eyes full of tears that quickly make their way down her face.
Fuck! I want to scream. Seeing Rylie like this, knowing I'm the one that is causing her this pain makes me feel a dozen different things, none of them good.
Fighting the urge to hit something, I hold my head in my hands, failing to stop the tears as they fall faster. "I'm so sorry, Ry." I say again, meeting her eyes. My heart nearly breaks as I see the hurt filling them. I watch as she slides to the ground, her back against the bed.
"Was it something I did?" Rylie finally says, her voice small and defeated. What's left of my heart breaks as she says this, and I can't stop the sob that follows.
"Baby, no." I cry, moving to kneel in front of her. "It wasn't anything you did."
"Then what was it?" Rylie pleads, her eyes full of something I don't recognize at first, but then it hits me.
She doesn't believe me. She thinks this is her fault.
But I can't tell her. I can't keep doing this to her knowing that it was taking a toll on her.
"Please, baby." Rylie whispers as she takes my hands gently. "Talk to me."
I drop my gaze, avoiding her pleading eyes, wondering what I should do. Gabe's voice is still in my head, reminding me over and over of the reasons I shouldn't tell her.
Sure, she's willing to be there for you and says she wants you to come to her, but think about it, Aspen. Think about how it's affecting her. How much sleep she loses because you keep waking her up with your stupid dreams. How often you think about hurting yourself.
It's hard not to agree with Gabe's voice, or at least some of what it was saying. I don't want Rylie knowing how often I think about it. It has only happened twice, but I'm worried about how disappointed Rylie would be if she knew. Once is bad enough, but twice?
As I look back at Rylie, feeling my hands in hers, I finally make my decision. I just have to hope she'll understand.
"Was it something I did?" Rylie asks again and I shake my head as tears continue to fall. "Then what was it?" She gently takes my arm, and I flinch as she lifts my sleeve, revealing the three lines I'd been trying so hard to hide. "What has been hurting you to the point that you felt you deserved these?"
Rylie's words are sincere, reassuring me that she cares and only wants to help. Another wave of guilt washes over me. Why hadn't I gone to her?
I slowly stand and make my way to the closet. "Aspen, please talk to me." Rylie says desperately, getting to her feet as I emerge from the closet. "Don't listen to whatever voice is telling you that it's better if I don't know, because it's wrong."
"I know." I say softly, my voice thick with tears. Without another word, I hand her the stack of letters before sitting nervously on the bed.
"What's this?" Rylie asks before sitting next to me.
I reach over and use my thumb to gently wipe her tears. "These are what pushed me over the edge."
A look of understanding dawns on her face as she thumbs through the letters, Gabe's name on each one. She glances up at me with a question in her eyes and I nod, giving her permission to read them.
Rylie makes it farther than I did before she stops reading. Judging by the date on the letter she sets down, I can understand the look of anger on her face. That was the date Gabe hit me for the first time, meaning Rylie had also read all of the emotional abuse and manipulation that had led up to that.
Without a word, Rylie sets the letters on the nightstand before quickly pulling me into her arms. I'm still for a moment as I battle the thoughts telling me I don't deserve her love or comfort. But Rylie doesn't let me go, and I finally break. Every emotion hits me at once, all of the ones I'd been trying so hard to hide.
"I know, baby." Rylie whispers into my hair. "I know." She holds me tightly as I cry, whispering words of comfort and love. When the tears finally stop, she hands me a box of tissues before disappearing down the hallway. When she comes back, she has a glass of water, a small bag, and two Advil in her hands.
"Here," Rylie says, setting the bag aside and handing me the water and medicine. "For the crying hangover." She gives me a sad smile and I can't help but laugh a little. I will never get over how effortlessly thoughtful she is. Or how she seems to know me better than I know myself.
"I want to talk to you. I want to tell you what happened, but I'm  so sorry I didn't come to you in the first place. I didn't want you to find out by..." I pause, curious. "How did you find out?"
Rylie gives me a sad smile before sitting on the bed in front of me. "At first, I saw the toilet paper and Band-Aid wrappers in the trash. I knew it could've just been from a shaving mishap, but something felt off. I tried to forget about it, but then I started noticing other things, like the long sleeves and non-existent shared showers.
"I started paying more attention, and I felt like I was either waiting for you to say something, or waiting for some physical proof. It happened at my moms house." Rylie glances away briefly, her voice soft. "You were so cute playing with Harper, and I happened to catch your sleeve slipping down."
"I am so sorry, Rylie." My voice breaks again, and Rylie quickly takes my hands.
"Hey, no more apologizing." Her voice is stern, but her eyes are warm and teasing. "It was... heartbreaking, and a shock when I saw them. It didn't feel real, at first. I don't think I've ever really seen self harm, aside from your healed scars, so I didn't know how to react. I also knew I couldn't say anything in front of my family, because no matter how shocked or even hurt I was, it wasn't about me. This was your private thing, and I wanted you to choose when you talked about it, and who you wanted to tell. I could only hope that I was someone you knew you could talk to."
"You are, Ry. I know I can come to you for anything. It was just..." I stop, thinking about how to word what I wanted to say. "I knew it would hurt you either way. If I kept it to myself and you found out later, it would hurt you. If I told you and explained everything, it would still hurt you." I let out a small, bitter laugh. "And in the end, both of those happened anyway."
"Hey, don't do that." Rylie meets my eyes. "I don't care how it hurts me. I just want to be there for you. I need to be there for you." Her voice breaks. "I just can't lose you, Aspen." She says quietly.
The pain in her voice breaks my heart, and I cup her cheek gently before pressing my lips to hers. "You won't lose me. And I'm done hiding things from you. I can't stand hurting you like that."
"Do you want to talk about these?" Rylie asks, gently rubbing her thumb over the marks on my wrist. "It's okay if you don't want to, I won't push you to talk about it if you're not ready. And if you're never ready, that's okay too..."
"Hey," I laugh softly as I lift her chin until she meets my eyes. "I want to talk about it. I should've talked to you before it could even happen." I take a deep breath, preparing myself to let out the words I'd been keeping inside.
"The nightmares haven't stopped. Sometimes, I can force myself to wake up, or I can change the dream once I realize it's not real, but there's always something that happens before I can get out of the nightmare.
"The night I relapsed, I'd just woken up from a nightmare. In it, I was back in the courtroom with Gabe staring at me from across the room as the judge talked about how I ruined Gabe's promising future. How I'm the reason he's dead. He said I deserved to be punished, and I knew what type of punishment he was referring to."
Rylie gently wipes the tears from my cheeks as I continue. "When I woke up, I thought about waking you, but you were sleeping so peacefully and I convinced myself that I was okay, and that you didn't need another night of calming me down after the countless previous times. I decided to distract myself by reading the letters I'd found, but I promised to avoid the ones I'd written for Gabe. Those were the only ones I read, though. They just flipped a switch. Seeing how well he'd treated me in the beginning and then remembering the nightmare was just... too much. I couldn't handle the guilt or pain, and I didn't know what to do.
"I knew I should just wake you, but I felt like you had to be tired of dealing with it. So I did the only other thing I could think of. In the moment, I only cared about letting the inner pain out, while also punishing myself for the things that had happened between Gabe and I, and for the way Gabe ended up."
"Do you still feel like you're the reason he's dead?" Rylie asks quietly.
I nod, avoiding her gaze. "I do. If I had just kept quiet, if I'd just stayed with him and let everything happen, at least he would still be alive."
"Maybe." Rylie cups my cheek. "Things could've gone a thousand different ways, Aspen. You knew that what he was doing was wrong, and you knew you didn't deserve it. I, for one, am so glad you left him. If you hadn't, you wouldn't be mine. I'm also glad you testified against him, because he did get what he deserved. I'm never going to stop being so proud of you for doing what you did despite how unbelievably hard it was for you. I know you feel like you took everything away from him, but you didn't, Aspen. He took everything from you, and he did it over and over. He hurt you in ways no one deserves to be hurt, especially you.
"I know there are demons that are trying to tell you the opposite. They're trying so hard to convince you that you are unworthy of anything good, that you don't deserve to be happy, but they're wrong. I know you, Aspen, and I know what you deserve."
"Rylie, I..."
"Don't you dare say that you don't deserve me, because you do. I don't deserve you, love."
I can't help but smile. "That was exactly what I was going to say, but I'll refrain. I do, however, need to do better at being what you deserve."
"Aspen, my love. You do so much more than you'll ever know. You don't even have to try." This time Rylie closes the distance between us, using her lips to tell me over and over exactly what I deserve.