A North Carolina Autumn - Chapter 66: Chapter 66

I never thought I would be dealing with these thoughts again. I'd spent the last two years struggling with the whole situation with Gabe, and I thought I had finally healed. I guess not.
In the back of my mind, I know it's probably pretty normal for people to remember traumatic things from their past for a long time, even if they consider themselves healed from those things. Healing doesn't mean you simply get over or forget the things that happened, Aspen. And that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Healing takes time.
The voice in my head is quiet, and I imagine it as a mix of Rylie, Chester and my dad. The three most important people I've had in my life. But every time this voice makes an appearance, it isn't long before Gabe's voice shows up, doing everything it can to take these good thoughts from me.
We both know that's not healing, Aspen. You have nothing to heal from. Everything keeps coming back because that's what guilt does. You feel guilty for what you did to me.
I shake my head to clear his voice from my mind, which seems to be getting more and more difficult to do. The nightmares aren't making it any easier, either.
I check the time, letting out a short, relieved breath when I see a text from Rylie saying she's on her way home, and that she has some exciting news.
I quickly hop up from the couch and head down the hall to wash my face and change, determined to erase the evidence of my not so enjoyable day. I'm excited to hear Rylie's news, and I refuse to let anything take away from whatever the news is.
But it turns out, that's not really up to me.
When Rylie walks into the apartment a few minutes later, her adorable smile is enough to take every residual thought of Gabe and the nightmares from my mind, replacing them with my love for her.
"God, you're beautiful." I say, feeling as though I haven't seen her in weeks, instead of just a few hours. Rylie's smile grows as she steps into my arms, resting her head on my shoulder. I slide my arms around her waist and inhale deeply, smiling softly as the smell of her hair tickles my senses. "Have I told you lately how amazing you smell?"
Rylie pulls back slightly, raising an eyebrow. "Are you being sarcastic?"
"No!" I giggle, wondering what she means. "I would never be sarcastic about something so serious."
"I know, it's just that I was certain I would smell less than appealing because of the surgery we did." Rylie laughs.
"No baby," I grin and kiss her cheek. "It's weird and definitely unfair how no matter what, you always smell absolutely amazing. Your hair, your natural scent, your perfume, it's always there and always comforting."
"There's no reason for you to make me blush this much this early in the evening." Rylie smiles, her red cheeks proving her point. "But don't stop, I love it."
"Oh, I will never stop complimenting your smell. Or just you in general. For example," I slide my hands to her hips, my eyes moving slowly up and down her body. "Like I said when you walked in, you're incredibly beautiful. These scrubs are doing wonders for your body."
Rylie's blush deepens and I smirk. "You're making it really difficult to focus on anything else." She murmurs, her eyes dropping to my lips.
"Mmm, like your exciting news?" I reply, bringing my mouth close to hers.
"Mhm..." Rylie hums, her eyelids fluttering closed. Unable to help myself, I close the distance between us, pressing my lips firmly to hers. It's a slow, gentle kiss, one that manages to calm every worry and anxiety in my mind.
Rylie brings a hand up to cup my cheek, her thumb brushing softly against my skin as she kisses me. Several minutes pass before I can finally force myself to break the kiss, despite wishing it could go on for much, much longer. But I do want to hear Rylie's news, and my lips on hers is unfortunately preventing that.
"Why'd you stop?" Rylie whines as I pull back slightly. "I was really enjoying that." She pulls her lips into a pout, making me giggle.
"Because I'm really curious about your news!" I grin, kissing her forehead before pulling her over to the couch.
"Oh!" Rylie gasps, excitement covering her face. "So during the emergency surgery today, which was a C-section for a dog and her six puppies, Dr. Evans mentioned that he got invited to a conference down in Florida for a week. He has gone a few times in the last few years, so he told me a little bit about it, and said he usually takes two techs with him." Rylie's eyes are bright, matching her adorable smile. "He wants me to come to the conference this year!"
It's a really weird feeling when two very strong, completely opposite emotions hit you at once. Terror and excitement hit me simultaneously, almost making me dizzy. On one hand, I am so proud of Rylie and excited because I know what this means for her. The vet obviously recognizes her hard work and determination, and inviting her to the conference is probably the first of many opportunities for her to continue to prove herself.
On the other hand, I'm terrified entirely for stupid, selfish reasons. To put it simply, I don't want to be without Rylie for a week. The coma was the last time I went more than a few days without her, and while I know that this would be different and I'd still be able to call and text her, it doesn't make it any more appealing.
I force a smile, hoping my face is void of the fear and hesitation filling me. "I'm not even surprised that he invited you." I say, leaning forward to hug Rylie. "I'm so proud of you, baby."
"Thank you, love." Rylie grins, confidence filling her eyes. "I'm still shocked that he chose me. I mean, I'm just an intern! I kind of feel bad because some of the other techs have worked there for a few years, and they still haven't gone to conferences or anything."
"Don't feel bad, Ry. You deserve this, and Dr. Evans recognizes that. You work so hard each day, much harder than most of the other techs, from what I've seen." Rylie blushes, and I smile before continuing. "It doesn't matter how long the others have worked there. Dr. Evans is obviously looking for someone that values their work, someone that goes above and beyond everyday, instead of someone who has worked there longer."
"But when I..." Rylie starts to argue, but I gently cut her off.
"Hey, stop that." I tease, lifting her chin until her eyes meet mine. "Are you maybe feeling a bit of... imposter syndrome?"
"Pfft, me? Imposter syndrome? Never!" Rylie jokes, giggling. I raise my eyebrows expectantly, grinning when Rylie rolls her eyes and continues. "Fine. Maybe a little bit."
"Mhm, that's what I thought." I take her hands, my voice softening. "You of all people shouldn't ever feel like an imposter, especially in this case. I don't see you at work everyday but even I know that you belong there. You truly love your job and put your heart into it. Everyone can see that you genuinely care for each animal that comes in, and I'm positive they envy your determination to do the best job you can do. I know your mind likes to tell you the opposite, but you're not an imposter. I'll tell you that as often as you need." I promise, my eyes on Rylie's.
"God, Aspen." Rylie sniffles softly, smiling. "How do you do that so easily?"
"Do what exactly?"
"You take every negative thought from my mind like it's nothing, and then you fill me with confidence and happiness and love. Lots and lots of love." She finishes with a giggle.
"It's really easy actually, because the confidence and happiness and love are already there. I just take away the negatives so that those positives are all you can focus on."
"I love you." Rylie whispers, her eyes shining.
"I love you. And I'm so excited that you get to go to Florida!"
"Yeah?" Rylie smiles, but I sense her hesitation. "You think I should go?"
"Of course, baby. You deserve this." My smile slips as I watch Rylie's face fall. "Hey, what's going on?" I ask worriedly, cupping her cheek.
"I just..." Rylie avoids my eyes. "I don't want to leave you."
"Oh..." I answer, my throat tightening. I don't want you to leave me either. I clear my throat, shoving down my emotions. "I'll be honest, I don't love the thought of being away from you for a week, but I hate the thought of you missing out on this opportunity."
"But we just got married." Rylie pouts. "And what about the puppies? What if I just go next year instead?"
"Ry," I laugh. "You've worked so hard for this. I love you so much, but I don't want you to miss out on this."
"I know..." Rylie trails off, and I can tell there's something else.
"Is there something else bugging you?" I ask softly. Several moments pass before Rylie nods. "Talk to me. Please."
"I don't want you to get mad." Rylie whispers, still avoiding my gaze.
"What do you mean?" I ask hesitantly, drawing my eyebrows together in confusion.
"I'm worried about leaving you... alone." Rylie finally says, her words so soft that I almost don't hear. I swallow hard, watching her eyes flick to my wrist.
She doesn't trust me.
"What do you mean?" I ask again, this time defensively.
"I didn't mean... it's just... what if the nightmares get worse?" Rylie stumbles over her words. "I'm not saying you can't handle them alone..."
"You just don't trust me to not hurt myself again, right?" I cut her off, pulling my hands back into my lap.
"That's not what I was going to say." Rylie frowns, hurt filling her eyes.
"Then what were you going to say?" I ask, my voice cold. "Because it really feels like you don't trust me to be alone with myself."
Can you blame her? A voice says in the back of my mind. Is she wrong to worry? My thigh begins stinging, as if teaming up with the voice.
"That's not fair, Aspen. You know I trust you."
"Your eyes say something different. You weren't subtle about checking my wrist. It's clean, by the way." I snap, pulling my sleeve up to prove my point.
Now show her your leg.
Shut up.
Despite the hurt and anger filling my body, I can't ignore the guilt that rises as I lie to Rylie.
"Aspen, please..."
"Just because I relapsed once doesn't mean it's going to become a thing with every nightmare." I pause, locking my eyes on Rylie's. "If I'd known that telling you about the relapse would break your trust, maybe I would've tried harder to keep it from you."
The hurt filling Rylie's eyes is quickly joined by tears, and I watch as they begin spilling over, running down her cheeks. It's then that I realize what I've been saying, and regret quickly replaces my anger.
"Rylie, I..." I stop, unable to form the words I want. As I reach towards Rylie's hands, she pulls away and stands, turning her back to me.
"Don't." She whispers, her voice tight. I sit frozen, watching her shoulders rise and fall as she struggles to stop her tears. "I need some air." She finally says, moving to the door before I can respond.
The door shuts quietly behind her, but I almost wish she'd slammed it. Several minutes pass before I can move again. "Fuck." I gasp, tears forming in my eyes. I don't know what happened. I don't know why I felt so angry, or why I took it out on Rylie. I don't understand what's going on in my mind, and this only frustrates me more.
What did I do?