A Touch Of Sin [BxB] - Chapter 23: Chapter 23

Dr Martin is young. Way younger than I expected. I guess I don't know what to expect when I think of a counsellor. I think of someone experienced, old and honestly, a little wrinkly. That's movie stereotypes for you.
Her smile is warm. The kind of smile that forces your own to come out, whether you want it to or not.
"How are you feeling?" she questions.
"Overwhelmed, exposed, confused, tired," I shrug. "The list goes on."
"Overwhelmed?"
"I didn't expect to see him," I say, inclining my head to the door. "Jake."
She nods. I don't know if she's allowed to acknowledge that she knows about us because I don't know if that would be revealing some of their session. I don't know how any of this works, but I'm not hiding the fact that I know she knows. It's a small town, I should have known this would happen.
"How do you feel seeing him here? Other than surprised?"
"I guess I'm more stuck on how emotional he was. And the fact that he obviously talked about us to you, when he's not the type to discuss his life with anyone," I shake my head, simply perplexed. "I'm also very glad he was here. This will do him the world of good. Me too, probably."
"I hope so," she smiles. "Callum, is that what you'd like to discuss today? Your relationship with Jake?"
"That's the biggest issue in my life, so yeah, probably a good idea. Although my principal seems to think I'm having a quarter-life-crisis due to my father's death three years ago."
"Do you think you've dealt with the death of your father?" she asks.
"How does someone 'deal' with their dad being burned alive?" I sling-shot back, throwing my hands up cluelessly. "You don't. You have to accept the shitty situation and continue to live your life the best way you know how."
She opens her mouth to respond but I keep barrelling through.
"It was hard, of course. But things weren't okay before that and now they are," I hover my hands in front of me in a stop signal, feeling a little panicked at going down this path, for some reason. "Actually, I don't want to talk about this."
"Okay, Callum, that's fine. Always happy to revisit if you change your mind."
"I don't know what to say," I fall back into the chair and slump.
"Tell me about yourself."
"Um, I'm sixteen, seventeen soon. I like to surf, play football, hang with my family, take my dog for runs. I'm happy – I really am. I have great friends; an amazing family and I find school easy. Life is good."
"That's great to hear, Callum, but that's not the attitude you came in with," she states, twirling her pen excruciatingly slow between her fingers. I watch as a blob of ink stains her finger and smears as she rolls the pen across it. "Can you dig a little deeper for me? I want to know the real Callum. The Callum beneath the surface."
I mull over her words for a few moments, trying to gather myself.
"I have a good life, but it doesn't mean I don't have hard days or deal with things," I eventually say. "I'm gay." It comes out effortlessly now that I've admitted it a few times. "My family knows, some friends know but it's not out in the open completely yet which is all kinds of confusing. Especially because I think I'm ready to come out but the boy I'm helplessly in love with is hell bent on keeping everything bottled up until he explodes. I'm also confused as to why I feel like my own coming out depends on what he's doing and how he's feeling," I rub circles into my temples. "I feel trapped inside my own body," the words are tumbling from my mouth quick and all at once. I hardly pause for breath. "Sometimes I feel like am an outsider, watching in on someone else live their life." I flex my fingers and my knuckles crack starkly into the near-silent surrounding. "I try hard to stand up for myself and others, I think I do a good job, but I'm also terrified of people knowing my secret and people giving me a hard time for it even though I know I can handle it. It's all just a big, fucking mess." I extrude a deep, heavy sigh that seems to release a lot of the fight inside of my body. "I do truly think my life is good. It's just a confusing time for me."
Her head tilts to the side, her dark eyes analysing me. I can see her absorbing my words.
"Do you feel you're afraid of coming out simply because of the lack of safety in numbers around you? That may be why you're trying to get someone else to do it with you, so you're not alone?"
"Yeah," I nod in agreement. "I think that's exactly what's happening."
"Do you think you might be pushing your own fears and struggles onto Jake because deep down you know he's not ready to come out? It bides you time because maybe you're not quite as ready as you think?"
I sink lower into the increasingly comfortable chair, twisting my fingers almost painfully together as I process her words. My head begins to nod as what she says slowly sinks in.
"Maybe I'm not ready."
"That's okay, Callum. You'll know when you are."
"Can I ask your advice on something?" I ask.
"Of course."
"I need help dealing with Jake. I know he cares for me and he's confused about that. He self-destructs and lashes out at me because it's easier than facing the truth. I need your advice on how to handle him when this happens. I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. I snap back, I get angry, I give up on him..." I trail off with a heavy exhale. "I don't know how to cope with it."
"Callum, you can only do your best. There's only so much of someone's pain or struggles that you can take on. I advise that you try to connect with yourself – understand how you're feeling and tell him when you know. There's no 'correct' way of handling someone's actions because every individual and every situation are unique," she explains. "I sense that you're quite an upfront person. You are honest and that's the best quality a person can have."
"It feels like whatever I do isn't right. I try to support him, it backfires. I try to walk away, things get messy. I'm attempting to give him some space at the moment but he doesn't understand what the word means," I sigh. "And sometimes I don't want him to."
"It seems like you both have a lot to work through. Some things you can do together, sure, but there are parts you're going to need to figure out on your own. It's hard telling them apart, sometimes."
"Yeah, exactly," I huff, collapsing back into the chair, not realising I'd leaned forward so much.
The session continues much the same. Me explaining how confused I am about a situation, her trying to help without actually telling me what to do, when that's all I want to hear from her. It's frustrating. She also tends to answer my questions with more questions, making me feel like I wander off on a tangent instead of what I really wanted to talk about.
The hour is finished before I know it. When I stand, my legs feel slightly stiff. As we walk towards the door, I feel lighter. Like some of the heavy confusion weighing me down has evaporated. Still lingering nearby, but not smothering me anymore.
The fresh air hits me like a tidal wave when I exit. I inhale sharply and shake my head. I feel like I've released some of the emotions locked inside, but my head hurts from thinking so hard and trying to determine how I feel. Overall, I feel wrecked and want to sleep for a week.
My phone rings as I walk to my car.
"Rhett?" I greet in surprise. "Hey."
"Hey you," he replies. "I've heard some rumours and seen a video. Anything you want to share with the class?"
"A video?" I question.
"Yeah, of you and Jake going at it," he says. "Er, that came out weird. I mean a video of you fighting."
"I got what you mean," I chuckle, desperately pushing thoughts of 'going at it' with Jake from my mind. "Aren't you at school?"
"It's lunch and I assumed you wouldn't be in attendance, considering the fight looked pretty full on."
"You assumed correctly."
"I'm going to ask the idiotic question of; are you okay?"
"I think so," I nod. "I've just come out of a grilling counselling session set up by my school. It was good but I feel really zapped for energy."
"Counselling, hey?"
"Mmhmm," I mumble, starting the car and connecting my phone to the Bluetooth. "Nice of you to call."
"Wanted to check in," he replies and I know he's wearing his cute, sheepish smile. "Did you want to catch up this weekend, still?"
"I'll have to ask the boss," I say, referring to Ma. "I'm in a bit of trouble."
"Oh, of course," he sighs. "Right. Yeah. Let me know?"
"I will."
"So, things with Jake. Am I allowed to ask what's happening?"
"Status update still heavily soaked in complication," I sigh. "I saw him today. It was a bit intense. I told him..." I hesitate for a moment. "I told him he needs to figure things out. I'm giving him space, but also..." I take an encouraging breath. "I also told him that I'm not giving up, I'm just... waiting."
There's a noticeable pause on the other end. "Hey Cal?"
"Yeah?"
"I love that you're honest with me. It makes life so much easier."
I breathe a sigh of relief. "You're not annoyed?"
"Of course not. I know you and Jake have some serious stuff going down. I'm glad you feel like you can tell me what's going on."
"I'm grateful you're interested in hearing it and it's not making you walk away."
"Trust me, the last thing I want to do is walk away from you, Cal," he says to me and I feel my skin heat up a little at how direct he is.
I don't know what to say and there's an awkward silence. I focus on the traffic lights, drumming my fingers agitatedly on the steering wheel.
"I better get some study in. I'm glad you're okay. Let's talk soon, about the weekend," he says after a long moment.
"Sure, sounds good. Thanks for calling."
"Any time. See you, Cal."
"Yeah, bye," I say a little distractedly as I check my mirrors and pull out of the intersection.
When I return home, there's fresh muffins on the kitchen bench, making the house smell delicious. I have no appetite though and sadly walk past without taking one. After playing with Charlie for fifteen minutes or so, I eventually find Ma curled up in her bed. She has a book splayed open, still in her hand and a glass of wine, half-full, on the bedside table.
I gently remove the book from her hand and pull the blanket up. It's 12:30 .p.m. and she's drinking wine. I must have stressed her out more than I realised.
Kicking off my shoes, I crawl into bed beside her. She stirs groggily.
"How did it go?" she asks softly.
"We can talk about it later," I answer, laying down beside her and wrapping an arm around her waist.
She nestles her head into my chest and sighs. I close my eyes and feel my body relax.
Today has been mentally exhausting but it's the first time I've felt like I've gained some control on my feelings.
Let's hope Jake feels the same way.