Ad Astra - Chapter 23: Chapter 23

In the evening, after I have finished my duties for the day and eaten dinner alone, I pace inside my bedroom, slowly digesting all the information Asteria has shared. Though I have laid out a blank piece of parchment to write to my mother, each time I sit down, the words do not come to me. I wonder, what use does my mother have in hearing such a somber tale? What good will it do for the mission? It does not offer anything substantial that will help in infiltrating the castle and taking down the rest of the royal family.
I sigh and shove the letter away. I rest my elbows on the desk and lay my face in my hands. A deep groan rises from my body. I am angered over the way Asteria was treated, and I am angry that I am angered. Why should I care that her love was torn apart? Why should I care that she lost everything on account of her feelings for another woman?
I am ashamed to admit that I do care. Since she sent me away in the afternoon, Asteria has been all I have been thinking of for the rest of the day. Stupidly, I long to comfort her, but that is not my job, nor will it ever be. Even if Asteria may see me as a friend, I can never be more than than that. I am her maid, but I am nothing else.
I lean back in my chair, realizing now why Alba so protective over the princess. I recount every time I thought poorly of the former head maid and suddenly feel guilty, now having realized how much Alba strove to protect Asteria throughout her life. How noble of a sacrifice it must have been for her to also leave everything behind to stay with the princess. I can only imagine her hurt at having a young maid steal her position as head maid after all she did for Asteria.
But I ponder still why Alba was so concerned over me spending time with the princess. Does she really think that I—
My train of thought disappears when I hear footsteps down the hall. I quickly rise and press my ear to the door. I realize it must be Alba escorting the princess back from a later dinner. Though I can hear their voices, I cannot decipher what they are saying. Their tones are not considerably light, but they don't sound particularly serious either.
I decide it is not for me to worry about. For now, I should try to rest.
Unfortunately, I spend most of the night tossing and turning. I dream of Asteria in bits and pieces, but when I wake in the morning, I cannot remember what those dreams were about, only that I felt warm and comforted as her face was lifted into a smile, rather than the frown I left her with the day before.
My heart rate begins to quicken as I dress myself for the day. I wonder what sort of mood the princess will be in. Will she have recovered from the contents of the letter already? Will she want me to forget she ever shared anything with me to begin with? Will she be expecting me to comfort her? Guiltily, I realize I do want to take her in my arms and console her. After all, she has done enough for me. It is time I repay the favor.
I call to Asteria when I enter her room, but to my surprise, it is empty when I enter. I search around her entire chambers and even run my hand along her bedsheets to see if they are still warm, but they are frigid. I begin to doubt if she even spent the night in her bedroom to begin with. Panicked, and worried Alba will have my head on a silver platter if she realizes I lost track of the princess, I locate the nearest guard in the estate.
"Do you know where the princess has gone?" I ask urgently.
"Oh. She took a stroll in the garden. Some of the other guards accompanied her," he responds.
I thank him and quickly rush off, infuriated suddenly with Asteria for not telling me where she was headed this morning. I take a deep breath and suppose it only matters that she is safe. As I step out of the building, the morning air feels cool on my skin. The sun has only barely risen, and a thin film of mist lays out across the land. It is quite beautiful to witness, but I am not so much concerned with the beauty of Esterpool as I am locating Asteria right now.
As I enter into the garden, I speak to one of the guards near the entrance. "Where is the princess?" I inquire.
"She is wandering the garden," he responds.
"No one is accompanying her?" I ask.
"No. She said she wanted to be left alone. But we are stationed at all entrances and exits. She would not have left," he says.
I let out a groan of annoyance, thank him, and shove past the guards. I walk up and down the rows of the garden, call Asteria's name over and over, but as I expected, there is no answer. After several minutes of walking, I finally, head toward the only other place I can expect to find her. However, unlike Asteria, I am not gifted in the use of magic.
I stand near the large hedge of bushes outside of the secret garden. I reach my hands into the shrubs, wondering if there is some way I can get in, but I am met only by a cage of branches. I let out a sigh and quietly speak from the other side of the bushes.
"Asteria? Are you in there? It's Fe," I call.
Silence greets me in response. I turn away, figuring if the princess truly wants to be left alone, it is best I respect her wishes. I turn around to leave, but then, I hear the leaves rustling behind me, and slowly, an the branches pull back to form an entrance. I quickly step through, and immediately, I find Asteria near the entrance, shutting the hedges closed behind me. Judging by the fact she wears a simple pink gown, I guess that she dressed herself this morning without my assistance.
"Sorry. How long were you looking for me?" Asteria asks.
I want to chastise her for worrying me. I am even more angered at the sight of her looking happy and well, as if she experienced no sadness yesterday. However, I cannot find the words to match my emotions, so instead, I reach out and embrace her tightly. I feel her gasp against me in response.
"At least tell me where you are going next time instead of leaving me to find your chambers empty," I mutter against her.
I feel her chuckle against me. I cannot help but release a sigh of relief as she wraps her arms around me and holds me close. We pull apart and gradually find our way to the water fountain. Asteria takes a seat and runs her fingers through her hair. I sit beside her. While there may be a smile on her face, I can tell she is still troubled from the events that occurred yesterday.
"How are you feeling today?" I ask.
"Better," Asteria says.
"Truly?"
She nods slowly. "I'm sorry for pushing you away. I needed Alba with me there in the moment."
"It's okay. I am only sorry I could not have been of more help," I say.
Asteria sucks in a deep breath. "I am sorry for sharing such a long tale with you. You perhaps did not want to hear it, but you were there in the moment, and I...I suppose I just wanted to tell you eventually. I hope...I hope you do not find me disgusting as my father did, now that you know my secret."
"What? Disgusting? You are nothing of the sort!" I exclaim.
Asteria's face lights up hearing this response.
"I am only saddened your father would treat you this way over something that you cannot control. And I am sorry that your life with Elena did not shape out in the way you wanted it to. That must have been devastating to deal with," I say. "I know your wounds were re-opened yesterday, but I hope you have healed some in the time you've been here."
"Thank you. Those early days in Esterpool were hard. I felt numb and mainly kept inside my chambers. The world felt dark and murky, and Alba often had to coax me out just to eat. Nowadays I feel more lively, but I think I will always feel some level of grief over the situation," Asteria says.
I place my palm over her hand. "Your home and your love were taken from you in an instant. I imagine that must take time to heal from," I say.
"Thank you. But Elena is no longer my love. She has not been for a long time," Asteria says. Slowly, she moves her hand away from mine.
I frown. "Do you worry your father will make you marry soon?"
Asteria shakes her head. "He is much more worried with expanding the empire than finding me a proper suitor. It would be Stephan that he is more concerned with anyway, given he is the heir. I suppose that he will most likely be happy letting me rot off here in Esterpool as an old maid."
"I hope not," I say. "I hope you are able to find your own happiness. One day, I am sure someone will come around who will love you just as much as Elena did."
Asteria looks perturbed as I tell her this. I am about to question why, but she flashes me a weak smile in response. "I am not so sure about that, but I appreciate the sentiment, Fe," she says.
I nod, and together, we sit in silence for a little while by the fountain, listening to the water trickle behind us. I turn around to glance at the trickling water at one point, suddenly wondering what it is I am even doing. Why am I sitting here with the princess, trying to comfort her, when she is going to be dead soon? Why would I say I wish for her happiness, when I know that I am the one who is going to contribute to its end? I frown at my reflection in the water. Lately, it feels like my heart has been pulled in many different directions.
Asteria's voice pulls me from my thoughts.
"I...I have to admit. I think I perhaps foolishly thought that you were like me too, Fe," Asteria says.
I turn back to look at her, the weight of her comment settling in. I blink in shock. I do not have any time to think over what she said; however, it is clear by Asteria's pleading eyes that she is awaiting a response.
"I...I do not know what I am like," I say quietly.
"Oh..."
"It is like I said yesterday. I have been so concerned with survival growing up, that I have not had time to think about romance."
"Yes. I suppose that makes sense," Asteria responds.
The tension in the room is thick, and I am afraid I have made the entire conversation awkward, but I do not know what else I could have said. I truly have not had time to think about my attraction toward anyone. Unlike Asteria, I have had no exorbitant love affairs. I have merely been thinking about my mission all this time and how best I can make my mother and my country proud. That is where my loyalties have always laid, and where, no doubt, they will always remain.
Asteria rises. "I have been away from the estate long enough, and I am growing hungry. It's probably time to head back."
"That would be best," I say, rising beside her. "The guards will become suspicious after too long, and I imagine you have been here quite some time already."
Asteria nods. She takes a step forward, but the mist from the fountain has made the stone ground slippery, and Asteria's foot slips out from under her. I watch her gesticulate as she tries to regain her balance, and quickly, I grasp firmly onto her forearms to prevent her from falling. She is half upright, staring up at me. The fear in her eyes begins to transform into relief when she realizes she is stable. Staring down at her, I realize again that her blue eyes are bright enough to match the color of the sky.
I open my mouth to ask if she is okay, but then Asteria's arms move upward, wrapping around my neck, and her lips, warm and soft, make contact with my own. I make a sound of surprise, but I make no move to get away. Her lips trace over mine in a whisper, long enough for me to feel them, but short enough to leave me wanting more. She removes her arms from around my neck and stands more upright, glancing down at me once more.
I look up at her in awe, but Asteria's expression is pained.
"Sorry. I should not have done that," Asteria says, tears welling in her eyes. She quickly moves toward the hedges and opens the entrance.
"Asteria, wait!" I call.
I chase after her, narrowly escaping through the entrance before it can close again. I spot her in the distance, holding her dress by the hem and running down the grass rows of the garden. I take a few strides after her, then stop, knowing that I should not be trying to outrun her when my injuries have only just healed. I stare up at the sky, watching fluffy, white clouds roll slowly in the wind. My fingers reach up to feel my lips, now cold from the absence of the warmth that was on them only moments before.
It is true that I was in shock when Asteria kissed me; not so much by the action itself, but by how much I enjoyed it. Even now, my heart is still racing at the thought of her lips upon mine, and my palms, once cold in the morning air, are fiery hot. I stand outside for many moments longer, unable to move my limbs.
I am not unaware of my attraction toward Asteria. As soon as I saw her in the garden a few months ago, I was in awe of how beautiful she was. However, my logic was intact then. I reminded myself again and again that she was an enemy, and that there was no use feeling anything toward a woman whose life I was going to soon destroy. However, as I grew to know her, I realized she was not the villain I had always made her out to be, but rather, someone unjustly thrown into this mess of politics – someone kind, caring, stubborn, and most importantly, resilient.
I navigate myself to one of the benches in the garden and sit down. I slowly wonder how I could allow myself to be so blind to the fact that I was falling for Asteria all this time. Perhaps my feelings in the beginning were merely platonic, but they quickly shifted in the days when she was nursing me back to health. My eyes begin to water now, wondering how someone who I was sent to destroy could love me so tenderly. I place my hand above my heart, still rapidly beating from the shock of all that has happened. I have to ask myself...where do I go from here?
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
One way or another, I find my way back to my bedroom. I should be attending to my maid duties, including escorting Asteria to breakfast, but so much time has passed now that I assume she is choosing to eat in her chambers rather than go down to the dining room. I have no energy to do anything other than sit at my desk, staring at the blank piece of parchment meant to be a letter for my mother. However, there is nothing for me to write. I already felt uncomfortable sharing the reason why Asteria was sent away to Esterpool, and I am afraid if I share what just transpired, she will treat me just as cruelly as Asteria's father did to her; not in the sense that she would be upset with who I am attracted to, but rather, for potentially jeopardizing the mission due to my own feelings.
"Forgive me, Mama," I murmur. "I think I gained Asteria's trust too well."
A guard visits me a little while later to alert me that the princess has instructed me to take today off as well. I open my mouth to argue with him, but he tells me to take up any concerns with the princess before I can retort back. I consider going to her chamber then, but truthfully, I am frightened, and I do not yet know what to make of everything that has transpired.
My heart aches for the remainder of the day. I try to get some chores done despite my day off, and I even go for a walk along the streets of Esterpool, but it is not enough to quiet my thoughts. I cannot deny that I am being torn in two different directions. Do I acknowledge my feelings for Asteria or do I ignore them and continue upholding my loyalty toward the country and the mission? The answer should be clear, and yet, whenever I think of abandoning these newfound feelings, I want to sob.
I accept that, whatever happens, I know that the mission will not continue in the same way from this day forward. It is the only truth I can accept for now.
In the evening, after I have eaten, I am once again seated in my bedroom, replaying this morning's events in my head for the fiftieth time. A sudden knock on the door causes me to jump. I rise quickly, excited to think that it may be Asteria, but when I open the door, Alba is there to greet me.
I freeze. Does she knows of what has happened? What Asteria has told me? The kiss we shared earlier this morning?
Instead, she hands me a letter.
"The princess wanted me to deliver this to you. For what reason, I don't know," Alba says, annoyance in her tone.
I slowly grab the letter from her grasp. "Is the princess doing okay?" I ask. "When I visited her yesterday, she was quite upset."
"She is all right. I am sure some rest will be good for her. She asks that you read the letter immediately. I will be taking care of her bedtime duties, so there is no need for you to worry about assisting her for the rest of the evening," Alba says.
"And what of my dressing her tomorrow?" I ask.
Alba shrugs. "Perhaps the letter will give you answers. Either way, plan on attending to your duties, as always. You are head maid now. You call most of the shots."
I nod. "Sorry. Thank you for bringing this. Have a good night."
"You as well," Alba says.
She turns to leave, but I call out to her once more. "Um, Alba?"
"Yes?" she asks, turning to look at me.
"Thank you for taking care of the princess in my absence," I say.
Alba stares at me oddly. "Of course. It is my duty after all."
I want to tell her that is not what I mean, that truly I want to thank her for caring for Asteria in her earlier childhood days, but to do so would be to admit that I know of the reason Asteria was brought to Esterpool. If Alba were to know I know the truth, I imagine she would want to stick around for a longer conversation with me.
"Good night, then," Alba says, leaving me once more.
When I turn back into my bedroom, I inspect the letter. I consider not opening it, too afraid of what the contents might entail. I cannot understand what it is the princess cannot tell me herself. However, the anticipation gets the better of me, and slowly, I open it.
Dear Fe, it reads.
I am sure you are tired of hearing me apologize, but my thoughts have been wildly all over the place today, and the only way I was going to be able to share these words with you was through a letter, as I was too frightened to tell you myself. Fe, I apologize deeply for my actions today. I came across too boldly, and I fear I made you uncomfortable.
It is true that from the moment I saw you through the window of the garden, I thought you were one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen. For many years, I have meandered throughout the halls of this estate, mourning Elena and the love we once shared. Then I met you, and it felt like my mind was clear once again. I tried treating you as just another maid, but quickly, I was won over by your beauty, kindness, charm, and grace. I am sure you understand now why I made so much effort to see you and why I was so deeply grieved to learn you were unjustly injured by some of the other maids at the estate. It was a selfish decision to make you my head maid, but truthfully, I just wanted to be able to see you more often, and I worried about your safety if I sent you back to the maids' quarters.
In the few short months we have known each other, my affection for you has been growing, and I admit that, up until today, I foolishly suspected you felt similarly. I completely understand if you would no longer like to remain in Esterpool. I do not want you to feel bound to serve me out of a sense of duty. I recognize that I am in a massive position of power over you, and I fear that I have been taking advantage of that. I – or Alba – would be happy to write you a letter of recommendation to be instated as a royal maid in Magewell. You have performed wonderfully here, and I know that you would continue to serve well in Magewell. I am sure you must miss the city, after all.
I am sorry once again, Fe. I want you to know that I have immensely enjoyed getting to know you, and that I savored every moment you were in my company. You have meant a lot to me, and I will never forget you. Thank you for always listening to me, for comforting me, and for most importantly, being a good friend and a loyal maid, if nothing else. You have my deepest respect, and I wish you all the best.
Yours truly,
Princess Asteria
My hands tremble as I hold onto the letter. I read the letter once, twice, three times, and for just a moment, I consider heeding Asteria's words. If I traveled to Magewell, I could be with my sister again. I could carry out the mission in the place I always wished to, without needing my mother's approval.
But glancing at the letter, I realize in the moment that I do not care about the mission.
I shove the letter down on the desk and march out my bedroom door. The hallway is dimmed, signaling to me that Alba has already finished fulfilling Asteria's bedtime duties. I approach Asteria's chambers and unlock the door slowly.
A small lamp dimly lights the inside of Asteria's chambers. She is seated on the windowsill, her knees drawn toward her, listening to the frogs croak and crickets chirp beneath her. A nighttime breeze blows through the window, causing the ends of her blue nightgown to sway gently. Her head turns toward me as I enter, then back toward the window.
"I know what you're going to say," Asteria says. Her somberly tone makes me angry.
I march up toward the windowsill toward her, until we are only mere inches apart. She stares at me with her beautiful blue eyes that are clearly red and swollen from crying.
"No. You do not," I say.
Before she can react, I cusp her cheeks with my palms and bring her face toward mine. My lips quickly find hers, and I hear her gasp against me. I worry for a moment that she will not kiss me back, but slowly, her lips trace over mine. Her hands reach downward, comfortably settling on my waist, and my fingers tangle through her hair. The evening air is cold, but I feel fire racing through my veins as Asteria's lips mold perfectly with my own. At last, I pull apart to catch my breath. There are tears in the corners of Asteria's eyes, and she stares up at me with the same shock I am sure I showed her earlier this morning.
"You fool," I say to her. I rub my thumb against her cheek, feeling her shiver beneath me. "Don't you realize I care just as immensely for you?"
"Fe," she whimpers. Tears roll down her cheeks, and slowly, our heads move toward each other again.
We kiss endlessly against the nighttime sky.