Ad Astra - Chapter 24: Chapter 24

I think it is strange that I wake to chirping birds in the morning. Normally, I am up shortly before they begin to share their sweet morning birdsongs. As my body stirs, I grow increasingly aware of the hand draped around my back and the soft breaths of another tickling my nose. My eyelids flutter open slowly, expecting to find myself in my bedroom, but instead, I share the bed of another.
Oh.
How could I have forgotten, I wonder to myself. Princess Asteria still sleeps deeply; the peaceful look on her face conveys to me how content she is. I hesitate for a moment, then extend my hand out. My fingers find the ends of her hair, and I stroke slowly. Though I have touched her hair more times than I can count in the process of dressing her, this is much more intimate. Finally, I can run my fingers through her hair out of my affection for her, rather than my duty.
As Asteria continues to slumber, the events of the following evening play back in my mind; how I ran to Asteria's chambers after receiving her letter, how we kissed seated on her windowsill while the crickets chirped below us. In between our kisses, we spoke briefly, laughed some, and cried together, and when we grew tired, I fell asleep in Asteria's arms in her bed once more, excited for what the next day would bring.
Staring at the princess, I realize with a shock how unbelievably happy I am. I know there should be a million thoughts running through my head. I know I should be chastising myself, trying to remind myself what is important, but I am tired of feeling guilty. Last night, I finally reached out toward what I truly wanted, and I feel much more peaceful today as a result.
Unable to lay in silence by myself any longer, I lean forward and press a kiss to Asteria's cheek. Her face twitches, and she slowly begins to wake. Her eyes open slowly, once again inviting me to see her pale blue eyes.
"Good morning," I say quietly.
"Good morning," Asteria replies groggily, though she still has the sweetest smile on her face.
Unable to control myself, I lean forward to kiss her. Her lips eagerly meet my own, and we enjoy a soft, gentle kiss to match the energy of our peaceful morning.
"Sorry. I could not wait to kiss you again," I say.
Asteria chuckles. "Nor could I." Her head rests back down into the pillow, and her eyelids slowly close again.
"You know I will need to dress you soon," I say.
"But can't we just lie here forever?" she asks, pulling me closer to her. "I do not want this moment to end yet, Fe. I am so happy right now."
I smile against her. "As am I."
Asteria hums contentedly, and I rest my head against her chest, finding myself soothed by her heartbeat. I shut my eyes, too, savoring in the peaceful moments of the morning and trying to ignore my outstanding duties. Asteria's fingers being to thread through my hair, and I sigh contently. I admit that I, too, do not want this moment to end either.
"Asteria," I murmur quietly.
"Yes?"
I pause before the next words leave my lips. "How did you know that I was...like you?"
"Attracted to women?" Asteria asks so bluntly that I nearly squeak.
"Yes," I respond.
She turns her head to look at me. "I suppose it was just intuition. You never shied from my touches, and you seemed more than happy to receive my affection. Have you truly never thought about this before, Fe?"
My cheeks burn in embarrassment. "N-No. Like I told you, I never had much time for romance growing up."
"But surely you must have thought about who you were attracted to?" Asteria asks.
I open my mouth to argue, but then I remember the times that a particularly attractive woman in the marketplace would cause my entire head to spin, how everytime I was forced to interact with Vasa, I hoped his sister would be with him, how every man that made advances towards me never made my stomach float with butterflies, and, of course, how overly taken aback I was the first time I laid eyes on Asteria.
"Oh," I say suddenly as the memories course back through me. I imagine with more thought, I would be able to think of countless examples that have confirmed my attraction to women.
Asteria giggles. "Oh?" She kisses my cheek. "It is a lot to think about, I'm sure. I remember how I laid awake for days when I figured it out, both in shock and joy. Do you feel similarly?"
"Mainly I just feel happy," I say to her, smiling. "I never shared it with you, but that day, when you noticed me through the window, I was just as awestruck as you were. I would have looked at you for hours had you not noticed me."
Asteria's eyes light up at my comment, and she quickly leans forward to kiss me again. I pull her closely to me and sigh against her lips, wishing I could lie with her in her bedroom for an eternity, her lips upon mine.
Unfortunately, we are both jolted out of our trance by a frantic knock out the door.
"Fe! Are you in there?!"
I recognize Alba's voice. Quickly, I scramble out of Asteria's arms and rush out of the bedroom to go stand near the main door to Asteria's chambers.
"Y-Yes, I'm in here!" I respond, trying to hide the grogginess in my voice.
"Have you finished dressing Asteria yet? Her meeting with the royal officials is soon. They will not like to be left waiting," Alba says from outside the door.
"She will be out shortly!" I call once again.
"Very well," Alba responds. Her footsteps slowly disappear down the hall.
I press my palm against my chest and attempt to catch my breath after that encounter. When I turn the corner back into the bedroom, Asteria is sitting upright in bed, her cheeks flushed red in embarrassment. Our eyes lock for a few moments; then, a low laugh rises in her throat. I return it, and eventually, we are both giggling.
"That frightened me," Asteria says, still laughing.
"Me too. But Alba's gone now. Unfortunately, that means I do need to dress you quickly," I say. "Or else I am afraid she will return ready to serve my head on a silver platter."
"I would never allow her to do that," Asteria says. She climbs out of bed gradually and meets me in front of the mirror, where I once again resume my daily ritual of dressing her. Perhaps it is all that has happened, or perhaps it is the hastiness in which I dress her, but Asteria says little during the dressing process. Strange, as she is normally quite vocal.
"You're rather quiet," I admit.
"Sorry," Asteria says.
"Turn some," I instruct as I begin lacing part of her dress.
"It is only that I feel more embarrassed now having you dress me," Asteria admits. When I glance up to look at her, I see her cheeks are flushed once more.
I smirk. "As if you have not seen every part of me while I was healing."
"Th-that was different! I was not going to take advantage of you," Asteria says with a huff.
"Do you think I am going to take advantage of you right now?" I ask, although even I cannot deny the temptation that stirs within me.
"No. Sorry. I do not mean to suggest I don't want you dressing me anymore. This is all just so surreal to me. Even now, my heart is beating so quickly having you close," she says, touching her chest.
I gently grab ahold of her wrist and move her palm to rest over my own left breast. She seems shocked at first, but gradually, she relaxes as she feels my heartbeat beating steadily against her palm.
"Yours is fast, too," she realizes.
"Yes, but I have to bear it for now. I still need to act like your head maid, after all," I say. Even as I say it, I cannot deny how badly I want to kiss her again.
My arms snake around Asteria's sides. She turns her head slowly to lean down and kiss me. We linger in the warmth of a slow kiss for a few moments, and though I want to continue kissing her for hours on end, I know Alba truly will return if we do not hasten. I slowly pull away. Asteria whines, tugging me closer to her, but I shake my head.
"Alba will be back, and I'm still in my nightgown, after all. Give me a moment to get dressed, and I can escort you to your meeting," I say.
Asteria nods, and though I have parted her chambers hundreds of times before, this time it feels heartbreaking to leave her, even if only for a few moments. Carefully, I sneak back into my bedroom and do a haphazard job putting on my maid uniform for the day. I'm sure Alba would scold me for allowing stray pieces of hair to fall down my face and for not tucking in pieces of my outfit properly, but I no longer care anymore. I feel giddy as I quickly return to Asteria's chambers, and my heart swells in my chest seeing her waiting for me on her couch.
"Shall we?" I ask.
As we walk down the halls of the estate, I want nothing more than to link my arm with hers or even take Asteria's hand in mine, but we are no longer afforded such luxury being outside of the privacy of her chambers. I am still too elated to think too deeply about what this decision will mean for my work here in Esterpool, but I know that we must keep things secretive. Only a few weeks prior, I was promising Alba that I would not lead Asteria down a path of destruction. While I hardly think our affection toward each other would do so, I realize now that this is exactly what Alba warned me about.
We reach the doors of the meeting room, and I turn to face Asteria. "Have a good meeting."
She smiles weakly. "Thank you, though I doubt it. These are never much fun. Will I see you again soon?"
I bite my lip. "I have quite a full schedule today. If nothing else, I will see you this evening."
"I look forward to it," she says.
Though we both stare at each other with pleading eyes, we cannot risk kissing here. So instead, I curtsy toward her and she offers me a warm smile as we depart. As Asteria slips into the meeting room, I return to my bedroom to correct my outfit and get my tasks for the day in order after being in a rush this morning.
It is only once I am back in my bedroom that I begin to process all that has happened in the last twenty-four hours. I glance at the blank piece of parchment on my desk, a reminder that a letter to my mother has still gone unwritten. That fact alone snaps me back into reality. I take a seat at my desk and shove my head into my hands, now finally confronting all my confusing feelings.
I am so utterly happy, more so than I ever been before, but I know I'm directly contradicting my mission. How can I sneakily pry information from Asteria now knowing our affection for each other? How would it be fair to her? But then I think of my country, my people, still oppressed by the Magnuvians, who are utterly reliant on this mission for any change to be enacted.
I am at a crossroads for the first time in my life, torn between love and loyalty. Too many thoughts are pounding through my head. Should Asteria even be considered an enemy? Will killing her really result in anything? Is the information I am gathering even useful? Will this mission actually be successful?
It is too much to think about in a short amount of time, especially when I know I have maid duties to attend to. I pace around my room for minutes on end, thinking everything over. I want to help my country, truly, but when I think of Asteria's warm smile, gentle touch, and affection towards me, I want to melt from joy. I think it over for several minutes, far longer than I should with my duties to attend to, but eventually, I make a decision.
For now, I will preserve this happiness. If only for a little while. One day, I will need to think about this more concretely, but it is too soon to do so today. My mother will worry though if I do not write, so I reach for the parchment on my desk and begin to compose a letter:
Dear Elsie,
It is starting to get quite warm here in Esterpool. I assume the same can be said for Magewell. I hope you are enjoying the comfortable weather and that you are keeping well.
I know you are expecting more stories from my life here in Esterpool, but I am afraid that this letter will be brief. Though I am getting on exceedingly well with Princess Asteria and becoming more attuned to my duties as head maid, my responsibilities have only increased in the few short weeks that I have taken on this position. Rest assured I am doing well, staying healthy, and keeping the princess good company, but as a result of these increased duties, I am afraid I will not find as much time for writing.
Do not panic if you do not hear from me as often; I am merely getting attuned to my new position and will need some time to sort out my priorities. Please know how excited I am to share more tales of my life in Esterpool with you in the future. I hope to write to you again soon.
Sincerely,
Fe
Looking at the letter in my hands, I know my mother will be dissatisfied with the contents. It is much briefer than anything I have ever written and does not share anything remotely interesting about the princess herself, but it will have to do. At this moment, I do not feel comfortable sharing anything about what led to Asteria's exile to Esterpool, and I will need some time to figure out what this new development in my life will mean for my role here in Esterpool and my role in the mission.
I begin my duties for the day by dropping off the letter in the mailbox. I hesitate as I slip it into the metal slit, wondering if I should try to conjure up something else or not send it at all, but for right now, I need time, and I hope this brief letter will allow me some of that.
As I walk past the maid quarter's to begin my duties within the estate building itself, I cross paths with Maria near the entrance.
"Good morning, Fe!" Maria exclaims. She greets me with a warm smile, as always, and it is enough to make me forget the agony of sending that letter to my mother.
"Good morning. Off to your duties?" I ask.
"Yes. I'm helping set up the dining room for the princess's midday meal. And you?"
"I need to sweep some of the floors in the estate," I say.
Maria nods. "Are you busy during lunchtime? Perhaps we can enjoy a meal together."
I bite my lip. I did promise a meal with Maria in the future, but I had been hoping to sneak a glance of Asteria midday in between my duties. Looking at Maria's excited look, I know I cannot let her down. Asteria will still be waiting for me in the evening regardless.
"Sure! I shall see you in a few hours, then?"
Maria nods happily in acknowledgment, and we part to perform our separate duties for the day.
I spend my morning sweeping floors. The task is boring and meticulous, and it allows my thoughts to wander for far too long. I try to sweep in areas that Asteria may pass through, but I never am able to catch a glimpse of her before midday rolls around, much to my dismay. So instead, I meet Maria in the maids' quarters for a meal together and hope some time with her will quiet all the voices in my head.
"Why don't we eat outside?" Maria suggests. "The weather is warm enough, after all."
I nod in agreement, and we situate ourselves at one of the iron tables on the side of the maids' quarters building. Our meal is standard; some freshly baked bread, a spring salad, and some freshly cooked chicken. I bite into the bread eagerly, remembering how I failed to eat breakfast earlier this morning. Unbeknownst to me, I begin humming as I eat.
Maria chuckles.
"What is it?" I ask, my mouth still full of food.
"Nothing. You just seem to be in a good mood," Maria says. "I am happy for you, whatever it is you are excited about."
Suddenly I wish to tell Maria everything, how I am the happiest and most content I have ever been, all on account of the princess's affection for me, but I know I cannot share such sentiments, as happy as they make me.
"I am simply happy in my new position," I offer as an excuse.
"How is being head maid going?" Maria asks.
"It is going quite well!" I respond eagerly. "I'm getting more used to all the duties now. It is, of course, very busy, and I'm not sure how Alba used to manage all of it, but the princess is very patient and understanding, so I am finding my way. I am sure I will be an expert in no time."
"I'm glad!" Maria exclaims. Her face grows more serious, and she lowers her voice. "You know – the other maids – they said you could do not do it. They were taking bets on when you would abandon the role. I am glad you're proving them wrong."
I roll my eyes. "Suddenly I am glad I am not living with them anymore. Although I do miss your company, Maria."
"Yes, I miss yours, too!"
"How are things back here? Are the other maids treating you okay?" I ask concernedly.
"They treat me no differently than they did before, which is to say, they do not often pay much mind to me. They are not hostile though. I would rather be ignored than despised."
I frown. "Well, you are welcome to my company anytime."
"Thanks, Fe."
"Your duties are going well?"
"Yes. Alba is gradually giving me more responsibility. I suppose I have those rotten maids to thank. I got a lot of experience when they were on probation and unable to care for the princess. My duties are now akin to theirs," Maria says.
"That's great! I am beyond thrilled for you. I will have to put in a good word about you to the princess," I suggest with a wink.
Maria's eyes glisten with excitement. "Would you really do that for me?"
"Of course!" I exclaim. "The princess trusts my opinion."
Maria smiles, then glances back down at her food. "I admit, I sometimes envied your closeness to her as well, but I know why she chose you to be her head maid. You are thoughtful and caring, Fe."
I stiffen. "I—" I want to say I am nothing of the sort. If Maria were to know the true reason I was here, she would not say those words so confidently.
"Don't be modest. You know it's true," Maria says. "Either way, I am excited to hear more about how you have been doing."
We continue to enjoy our conversation outside in the sunshine until our duties force us to part again. I thank Maria for her company and continue on with the day. I glance at my schedule, trying to find a break to go see the princess, but my duties seem to take longer than expected, and Alba stops me on two occasions to ask if I can perform some additional tasks that have come up. It seems the entire world is preventing me from seeing Asteria today, much to my dismay. Even dinner, which I usually spend with the princess, is altered so that Alba may sit with her instead and discuss the meeting with the royal officials that occurred earlier in the morning.
I spend all day pining, wishing to be in the princess's company even though my duties call me elsewhere. I go to the dining room after dinner is finished to help clean up, but the princess has already gone up to her chambers, where she is no doubt being readed for bed by another maid. I try to rush through my duties, but Arabelle is clumsy and drops a stack of plates, requiring extra time for me and the cooks to help her clean up.
When I do finally make it up to my bedroom, I am exhausted beyond compare. As tempting as my bed looks, I have other priorities. I quickly change into my nightgown and peer out into the hallway, ensuring that no other maids or guards are passing by. Seeing and hearing no one, I swiftly walk towards the princess's chambers and let myself in quietly.
Asteria is seated on her couch, reading as usual. Her head raises as I enter, and slowly her face lifts into a warm smile. She rises from her seat to greet me, and I gravitate towards her immediately. Asteria's hand gently moves to cup the back of my neck. She moves some hair from my face and smiles down at me. "I was waiting for you, you know," she says quietly.
I am already lifting my head towards hers. "I know," I respond.
My eyes shut as I feel Asteria's lips touch mine. I reach around and grasp the fabric of her dress, pulling her closer to me until I can feel the heat of her body against mine. Asteria's fingers thread through my hair, and we kiss feverishly. I thought I was the one acting foolish, wanting nothing more than to kiss her all day, but it is clear from Asteria's quiet moans, her fingers grasping my head, and the evident longing in her kisses that she has been waiting for this as well.
Reluctantly, I pull apart to catch my breath.
"I'm sorry I could not come sooner," I say. "It was like the universe did not want me to see you today."
"Do not worry. I survived. But just barely," she says teasingly, leaning forward to kiss me once more. This kiss is sweet and gentle, lacking the urgency of the way she kissed me only moments ago. She rests her palm against my cheek as she pulls apart. "Will you come lie down with me?" she asks.
I nod, and once again, I find myself lying in Asteria's bed. I hold her close to my body, savoring in her warmth, and gently massage my fingers through her hair. Every once in a while, I lean down to press a kiss in her blonde locks, which always elicits a sigh of content from her.
"How was your day?" Asteria asks. She tilts her head upward to look at me.
"It was busy. Boring, for the most part. I enjoyed lunch with Maria this afternoon," I say.
"Oh, that must have been nice. You two were roommates, were you not?"
"We were. I imagine she must be lonely in my absence now, so I try to spend time with her when I can," I say. "How about you? How did the meeting go?"
"Oh. It was standard," Asteria mumbles. "Boring political nonsense, as always. My father likes me to meet with the royal officials once a month to keep me updated on the current affairs of Magnuvia."
Lying here, holding Asteria in my arms, it should be clear who I am favoring more in the moment, but the Fetia who grew up in Landiani, who my mother raised for this mission, suddenly shines through once more. I stroke my fingers through Asteria's hair again and quietly speak up.
"Anything interesting to report?" I ask.
"No. The armies are continuing to move through Kilneu, but we have not yet successfully infiltrated the countries north. But I do not care to hear about such politics, anyway. I stopped caring when I was sent here," Asteria says.
I once again have the urge to ask Asteria her thoughts on colonization. I certainly have gained enough trust to do so, but it still feels like a boundary I should not cross. Even if my intentions may not be to harm her anymore, I do not think I can bear to learn that she may be in support of it. For now, I want to remain content and peaceful. I let out a loud yawn as tiredness begins to invade my body.
"I should be heading back to my bedroom," I say.
Asteria gently grasps onto my arm. "Stay?" she asks with pleading eyes.
"What if Alba comes to wake us up again?" I wonder nervously.
"As long as we are on time tomorrow, it should not matter," Asteria says.
I sink deeper into her pillows and mattress, effectively making my decision. Asteria leans over to turn off the lamp by her bedside, then once again curls up closer to me and hums contently.
"I wonder what is the point of my new bedroom if I am just going to sleep in here?" I tease Asteria.
"Please, you are sleeping on one of the finest mattresses in Magnuvia," she retorts.
I chuckle. "Good night, Asteria."
"Good night, Fe."
Unsurprisingly, I sleep soundly once again.