Ad Astra - Chapter 27: Chapter 27

The weeks pass by quickly. The days grow hotter and longer, and the rolling hills of Esterpool darken in shades of green with the onset of summer storms. While summer in Magnuvia does not compare to my homeland, it is nice to feel warmth on my skin again and to watch the sun set behind the rolling hills. If I squint, I can pretend that the sun is setting behind the ocean instead. I dream more often than not that I am back in Tetoa these days, wading through the surf and enjoying the salty water on my limbs.
While I may miss Tetoa more than normal during this season, life in Esterpool is not all that bad. I continue loving Asteria quietly during these long summer days and work diligently as head maid.
In the meantime, I resume my letter writing to my mother, as much as it torments me so. The contents are kept brief, never oversharing any information that Asteria has trusted me with, but I know it is enough to satiate my mother for the time being until I can think of my next steps. However, I wonder often what those next steps will even be. I had thought I would have made a decision by now, but my heart is still torn. I cannot deny the happiness Asteria brings me, but I do not feel comfortable completely ending my mission either. Some days I am overjoyed by my new romance; other days, guilt wracks my entire being. In many ways, it feels like my life is hanging in a delicate balance, ready to swing either way at any moment. I only hope I can keep it stable for now.
One day, after several days of summer storms, Asteria suggests we venture into the garden. Even though the sun is beating down harshly this afternoon, made doubly warm by my thick maid uniform, I am not one to disappoint her. Besides, the summer flowers are now in bloom, and if we are to head toward her secret garden, a commonplace by now, it will be well shaded from the harsh summer sun. The grass is slightly damp as we walk, still dewy from the thunderstorms that rolled through the day before. I keep close to Asteria as we walk, keeping a mindful eye on the guards following us in the distance. As always, she moves swiftly, knowing how to deter them, and leads us to her secret garden once more.
Already, the heat becomes more bearable once we step into the shaded garden. I let out a sigh of relief and wipe the beads of sweat clinging to my forehead. I quickly find a seat near the fountain and splash some water in my face, admiring the coolness.
"It's hot today, isn't it?" Asteria remarks.
"It is," I say, continuing to splash some more water in my face. "I have to wonder why you even called me out here in this weather."
Asteria pouts. "It's been raining for days, and our schedules were both light today."
I smile. "I'm only teasing."
Asteria smiles as well. Rather than join me at the fountain, she lays down and spreads out her limbs. I am sure the cool blades of grass beneath her are soothing on her overheated body. She looks at me gleefully, giggling like a child, while I can only roll my eyes.
"You're going to get blades of grass in your hair, you know. And who will be responsible for picking them out?" I ask.
"I suppose that means we will only have more time to spend together," she says. "Won't you come join me?"
Not being able to resist, I rise from my seat at the fountain and lay down on my back in the grass beside her. We do not touch each other. Rather, we lie side-by-side, watching puffy white clouds stroll across the sky. For a few moments, I am at utter peace; my thoughts of the mission, my role in Esterpool, and my feelings for Asteria all run blank in my mind. As boring as Asteria has described her life in Esterpool, it is moments like these where I cannot deny how peaceful it is here.
Lost in my tranquility, I neglect to feel Asteria finagling with my hair. She pulls the clip out keeping it in place, allowing my long, wavy dark locks to spiral down.
"Hey!" I exclaim.
"Now I can pull blades of grass out of your hair, too," she says. She begins to thread her fingers through my hair carefully, and I shut my eyes, feeling my breathing relax.
"Fe."
Asteria's voice pulls me from the nap I was beginning to fall into. I open my eyes and blink at her. She is leaning over me, still threading her fingers through my hair softly.
"Sorry," I respond.
Asteria shakes her head. "No. Do not think I am mad. You've been sleeping a lot lately. Is everything okay?"
I nod and start to speak, but a yawn rises in my throat instead. Sleepily, I tell her, "Don't mind me. I have been busy as head maid, that's all."
"If you need to, some of the other maids can take over your duties—"
"No," I say. I cannot risk losing my proximity to Asteria if I am to continue with the mission, and if I do not continue with the mission, I want to spend as much time with her as I can before...before whatever is to happen to me and her in the coming months.
"Okay," Asteria says, dropping it. "But if it becomes too overwhelming, let me know."
I nod, moving my head upward as her lips come down to meet mine. Our kiss is brief, with our lips barely touching, and afterwards, Asteria curls against my side. I shift my body to embrace her, and we lie like that, my fingers threaded in her hair, her arm draped loosely around my body, while the birds chirp above us and the clouds stroll smoothly through the sky in the summer breeze.
"Asteria?" I ask.
She mumbles against me.
"Why have you been busy with meetings with the royal officials lately?" I ask. "It feels like you are always meeting with them nowadays."
"I don't know, truthfully," Asteria responds. "My father is the one who requests they meet with me. Why he is trying to keep me updated on the political strategy of our country now, I can't understand. He never cared enough before. But I suspect he has his reasons."
I gulp against her, hoping it is not worse news for Landiani or my mother's plan. Magnuvia is still busy conquering the countries up north. Surely they do not have the resources to do anything else at the moment.
"Does your father often stay in contact with you?" I ask, though I already know the answer.
"He requests my visits sometimes, but his letters are practically nonexistent."
I frown. Even if my mother and I have not been getting along as of late, I could not imagine not being in contact with her at all, especially during my time in Esterpool. Asteria is looking at me now, noticing my concern.
"Don't be worried. I don't care to speak to him either. After all, he's the one who exiled here. Although," she hugs me a little tighter to her body, "I suppose his decision did bring me to you."
I kiss the top of her head and squeeze her closer to me. "Will you ever find the courage to stand up to him?" I wonder.
"I'm not sure," Asteria admits, playing with the fabric of my dress.
"I think you certainly could," I say. "You know how to speak your opinion effectively, and I have never seen you back down from something you truly believe in."
Asteria glances at me, surprised. "Do you think so?"
"Yes. Do you not?" I ask.
Asteria turns her gaze away from me and turns to stare back up at the clouds. "I suppose I never think too deeply about myself. I think...I think oftentimes I just believe what has already been circulated around about me – that I am weak and unfit for rule, and so on."
"I don't think that's true," I say, saddened to hear she views herself in such a light. "Perhaps I once thought so prior to my arrival, but since I came here, I have never believed any of those rumors."
Asteria looks at me, awestruck, and gently presses her hand to my cheek. "Fe," she breathes, before moving her head upwards to kiss me. This kiss is different, invigorating in me a new sense of adoration for Asteria that I have not felt before. Her kisses are not rough or filled with fervent passion, but my heart beats faster than ever before. In the moment, I never want to part from her. My mind may not be made up, but I can tell my heart is leaning more towards staying by Asteria's side for the time being.
When we part, I stare at her, starstruck. I open my mouth, wanting to say something to her, but I cannot find the words within my throat. Instead, I smile warmly at her and lean forward to kiss her again. We linger in the secret garden awhile longer, stealing kisses and picking blades of grass from each other's hair. Our gowns grow damp from the dewy grass, but in the moment, I no longer care. Though just another garden visit, it strangely does not feel like it to me. I can feel something stirring inside me, but I don't quite understand what it is just yet.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
In the evening, I lay in Asteria's bed once more, feeling her stroke my cheek as I begin to doze off. I can see the lamp flickering on the other side of her. Having spoken so much earlier in the day, Asteria and I remain rather quiet in our evening conversation. Still, I can tell by her pensive expression as she strokes my face that there is something on her mind.
"Everything okay?" I ask.
Asteria pauses a moment. "Will you sing, Fe?" she asks.
I bite my lip. "But—"
"These walls block noise well, and it is not like Alba still resides in this part of the estate," Asteria says.
I nod slowly. My voice begins in a whisper, then expands, as I sing a song my father once taught me in ancient Landiani. The meaning of the words are a mystery to me; my father did not know what they quite meant either, but I can tell the song has a hopeful tone. It was a song my father would sing when Kiana and I were feeling down, a song his mother once passed onto him.
Though I never often opened my mouth in song back home, I feel that I have been singing and humming more often than late while in Esterpool. I suppose it is the easiest way to connect me to my roots and remind me of home. I glance at Asteria while I sing, watching her close her eyes and smile. I finish my song slowly, and silence fills the room again.
"You truly have the most beautiful voice," Asteria says as she opens her eyes. "It is just one of the qualities I admire so much about you."
"Thank you," I say, and I mean it, truthfully. "I have not sung in so long, but...you have helped me find my voice again."
"Why not?" Asteria asks.
I cannot tell her that Mama used to lecture me that singing did not win wars, but I am able to weave it into a half-truth. "Singing did not help keep a roof over my head. Perhaps it made chores pass by quickly, but it never was celebrated, so I gradually stopped. Besides, I do not even know what those words mean, and I was lectured if I sang too loudly anyway. The soldiers didn't like us speaking the ancient tongue."
"I'm sorry," Asteria says. I cannot tell if she is apologizing for the actions of her nation, or for the fact that I felt pressured to stop singing. "The song though, whatever it means, is beautiful. That I can tell just from the way you sing it."
I smile and lean forward to kiss her. I can feel her warm breaths against my face and the gentlest graze of her lips before we are interrupted by a knock at the door.
We both jump. I attempt to scramble out of bed, but Asteria pushes me back down. It is an unusual hour for someone to be bothering us. Asteria has already been readied for bed, and I would assume Alba has already gone to sleep.
"Stay flat in the covers," Asteria hisses at me. "I will try to lure whoever it is away."
I do what I am told and lie flat on my stomach as Asteria shoves the covers over my head. The sound is muffled underneath all the blankets, but I hear everything well enough to make out her conversation with whoever is at the door.
"What is the meaning of disturbing me at this hour?" Asteria asks, clearly annoyed.
"My apologies, Princess."
The voice that greets her is rough and masculine. I quickly recognize it as belonging to one of the guards. "A letter came from you from His Majesty. He requests you open it at your earliest convenience."
His Majesty? The King? What could he want, I wonder to myself, and at such a late hour, too?
"Is it that urgent? Would have a telephone call have not sufficed?"
"I cannot say. But the postman wanted me to deliver it to you now rather than tomorrow morning."
Asteria sighs. "Thank you, then."
I breathe out in relief, glad to not be discovered. Once the door shuts, I remove the covers from my body and sit upright. Asteria returns to bed and slowly rips open the letter. I wait patiently as she reads it, trying to gather from her facial expression what the contents are saying. What if a member of the royal family is ill or has passed away? What if Kiana's true identity was discovered? How will the contents of the letter disrupt my mother's plan? It is guilty of me to think so, lying here in Asteria's bed, but my first thoughts are of my family.
As Asteria reaches the end, she sighs and throws the letter at the foot of her bed.
"What's the matter?" I ask, resting my hand on her shoulder. "Is everything okay?"
Asteria looks at me, noticing the urgency on my face. "Oh. Don't worry, Fe. It is nothing that substantial, but...my father requests that I visit Magewell soon."
"Oh," I say, leaning back on my heels. "How come?"
"I usually visit annually," Asteria says. "It is about that time again. But there was another matter mentioned in the letter, one I am not sure I should be sharing, but I trust you. My father believes a spy or two has infiltrated our ranks. He wants to keep me up well-informed and protected, surprisingly, so that is another reason he has called me. I suppose that explains why he has made me attend so many meetings with the royal officials lately."
I freeze, but I cannot react aggressively here.
"Did he have any more information about the spy?" I wonder.
Asteria shakes her head. "No. I presume it would be someone from the countries we have colonized. He did not name which, nor did he name any evidence. I am sure he is just being paranoid. He has kept fear alive to run this country, and I think it dictates his own life as well. But," Asteria lets out a groan, "I despise visiting home."
"I would have thought you would like to go back."
Asteria ponders this for a moment. "It is nice to have that sense of familiarity again that I grew up with and to sleep in my old bedroom. However, as much as I despise Esterpool, my father and brother are not here. Their company always bothers me to no end when I visit." Asteria lets out a long sigh and looks at me. "Fe, I ask this of you not as my maid, but as someone who I deeply trust and care for. Would you be willing to accompany me to Magewell?"
I sit with the thought for a moment. The word "yes" is already forming on my tongue, but there is so much to consider. I want to support Asteria, but if they already believe spies are in their ranks, will it draw suspicion that I am there? What if Kiana is already on their radar? Will my presence harm her in any way? However, looking at Asteria's pleading eyes, I know I cannot deny her. Besides, I may have the chance to see my sister again, and that will be worth any extra caution I need to take during the trip. It would be nice to see the castle after all, especially if I am going to infiltrate it in a few months' time.
"Of course I'll accompany you," I say, squeezing her hand.
"Thank you, Fe," she says, relief evident in her face. "Normally Alba accompanies me, but she often scolds me just as much as my father and brother while I am there. I think having you there will make me feel more at ease. Besides, I am sure you will enjoy being back there."
"Y-Yes," I stammer, almost forgetting that Fe technically lived in Magewell for several years. "I have never been to the castle before, so it will be exciting to see it."
"Then, I am happy it will be something for you to look forward to. As for me..."
I squeeze Asteria's hand again. "We will get through this together. I promise."
Asteria frowns. "Alba will probably not be pleased that you are accompanying me, rather than her."
"It is not for you to worry about right now," I say. I gently help her lay down and press a kiss to her forehead. As she cuddles against me, I hum quietly above her. It must not sound as beautiful as my singing from earlier, but I can feel her breaths slow and her eyes flutter open and closed.
"Good night," I whisper to her when I am done humming. I lean over her to turn out the lamp and settle in bed beside her.
Though Asteria sleeps soundly beside me, I am unable to doze off. Suddenly I am full of fear. It will be dangerous being in Magewell. If I even make the slightest mistake, I can risk the entire mission. But that is not what scares me the most. As happy as I am to see Kiana, I worry she will see right through me. What if she notices my affection for Asteria? What if she knows I am not committing myself fully to the plan? I know there is always the chance I may not see her, but given her status in the royal guard, it must be a certainty.
I toss and turn for an hour, and when I still do not manage to slumber, I slip out from Asteria's bed quietly and head into my own bedroom. I suppose I will have to explain to her that I was having trouble sleeping in the morning.
My own bed feels foreign to me after sleeping in Asteria's bed so often, but alone, I am able to think more clearly, and eventually, I fall into a dreamless slumber where my thoughts can no longer sustain themselves.