Ad Astra - Chapter 35: Chapter 35

For the next few days, I keep my distance from Asteria as much as physically possible. I dress her each morning, accompany her to meals, and provide whatever other services she needs, but I do not share her bed at night, nor do I take time out of my day to see her more than necessary. Our kisses, though still active, are short and chaste, and I have not held her in my arms since that last night in Magewell. I am sure Asteria must notice the difference, but she does not question my distance, which admittedly only hurts me more.
In the midst of loneliness, I remind myself why I am doing this. It is not so much my lack of feelings for Asteria that is causing this behavior, but rather my fear of her disappointment when she eventually learns how I have lied to her and betrayed her. Now having seen what transpires in the war strategy room in Magewell, I can no longer go on ignoring the pleas of my country to indulge in my silly romance. My priority, first and foremost, should have always been Landiani.
At least, that's what I tell myself.
I dress Asteria one morning as usual, picking out a flowing blue gown that will not be too heavy in the heat of summer. It has been about a week now since our return from Magewell, and a smile is finally returning to her face. She twirls around in it, admiring its motion, and looks at herself in the mirror, satisfied. Her face has more color these days, and her eyes, once dulled by her father's words in Magewell, have become that vibrant shade of blue I have always loved about her. It makes me want to reach out and kiss her, but I hold back, merely witnessing her joy instead.
"I like this choice today," Asteria says.
"I hoped you would," I respond. It is not my place to bring this up, especially given how I am trying to maintain a distance between us, but the words escape my lips anyway. "You seem more joyous today. I'm glad."
"I think I am finally feeling back home and settled," Asteria responds. "Finally, I'm away from my father and brother. Perhaps Esterpool is not my favorite, but especially after spending nearly a week away in Magewell, I have come to grow fond of it."
"I'm happy to hear," I respond.
Asteria turns to me, her eyes glimmering with hope. "Fe, let's go walk in the garden today," she suggests.
I open my mouth, ready to accept, but then I shut it again and lower my gaze down to the ground.
"I don't think I can accompany you today, Asteria. I have more chores than normal," I say, a result of my own actions. I have been spending time more time with Maria to avoid Asteria, and as a result, I have neglected many of my duties.
"Oh," Asteria says. I hate that I hear sorrow in her tone.
"But...tomorrow maybe?" I suggest. I grab onto her arm and lean forward to kiss her. Though I long to wring my hands around her neck and weave my fingers through our hair as our lips meet, I press my lips to her for only a second before pulling away.
"Yes," Asteria agrees, her tone of voice dull once more. "Tomorrow may work. Let's go to breakfast, then."
Guilt fills my stomach. I bite my lower lip. "Actually, Alba wanted to take you to breakfast today. But I will see you later."
This time it is obvious there is hurt reflecting in Asteria's eyes, but she does not question me. Instead, she merely nods.
"Yes, I suppose it's been awhile since I dined with Alba. Take care then to get your chores done. I would love to spend some time with you soon," Asteria says.
I nod, knowing I will not be able to keep my promise.
We part shortly thereafter without even an embrace, and though it pains me as I walk away from her after accompanying her to the dining room, I know it is for the best.
A letter comes for me later that day. I excitedly tear open its contents in the privacy of my room and scan the contents quickly. What I read astonishes me. For the first time since I arrived to Esterpool, my mother is celebratory in tone. I take pride in the way she praises me and how she notes how much she has learned from Haukea as well. Though she cannot write too much, it seems the plan will take place in less than a month's time. Very soon, Prince Stephan will die by my hand. The idea is favorable to me, especially considering how poorly he treated Asteria.
I lower the letter back on my desk and sit back. I want to be happy with this letter. Since my arrival to Esterpool, I have felt nothing but guilt from my mother's scorn over how poorly of a job I was doing spying. Now, she praises me, tells me how much progress I have made, and yet...I am still not happy. I hate that when I think of murdering Prince Stephan, my first thoughts go to Asteria, rather than how much it will benefit my own country. I hate that each time I force myself to distance myself from her, my heart breaks just a little.
Once again, my eyes linger toward my door. I finished many of my chores this morning, meaning that there is no excuse for me to not spend time with Asteria. Perhaps I could go to her now, offer for us to walk in the garden together, but I know it will undo the hard work I have done already to drive us apart. I return to looking at my letter, reminding myself of what is truly important. I remain in my bedroom.
In the evening, I dine with Asteria. I keep our conversation brief and surface-level, merely discussing the food and asking how her day was. Asteria responds with all politeness, but I can tell she is bothered. Unfortunately, it is no longer my goal to make sure her nature is cheerful. I need to act as her head maid and nothing more at this point.
As we head back to Asteria's bedchambers after dinner, she grasps my wrist in her doorway.
"Will you stay tonight?" she asks quietly. "After Josie is done readying me for bed, of course."
I shake my head. "I have a headache. I do not want to trouble you with my tossing and turning. But I will be there first thing in the morning to dress you."
Asteria's hand falls limply to her side. "Good night, Fe."
"Good night," I respond, my heart breaking as I say it.
When I return to my room, I light a candle and dress into my red nightgown. Once more, I read over my mother's letter, hoping her praise will be enough to convince me I am making the right decision. It hurts to admit that it doesn't.
Sighing, I slide the letter away and lay on top of my bed, staring at the ceiling. I had thought I had made the right choice that last day in Magewell. I am nearing the end of my mission. Soon, my country may be freed. Soon, Kiana and I can go home to Tetoa. And yet, I am still not happy, nowhere near as happy as I was when I was spending my time with Asteria. A few tears drip down my cheeks, which I quickly wipe away. If my mother saw me now, she would think I was pathetic, pining over some colonizer princess when my country is at stake.
I clutch my pillow towards my body and sigh. I miss Asteria. Who knew a week away would be so torturous? It's worsened even more by the fact that I now realize how much I love her, and my heart hurts knowing how I will probably never have the chance to tell her. Besides, there will be no future for us anyway, even if she is spared in the plan.
I sit up to turn out the lamp near my bed, submitting to my fate of tossing and turning until exhaustion overtakes me, but then, a frantic knock comes at my door, so loud that it jolts me. I quickly rush to the door, trying to imagine what could be so important at this hour. Did something happen to my family? Was there an issue with the maids that Alba had to tell me?
I open my door quickly, expecting Alba on the other side, but instead, I find Asteria in her purple nightgown. Her hair is unsmoothed from her pillow. Like me, she was probably trying to sleep and finding herself unsuccessful as well.
"Asteria?" I ask.
"Fe, what's wrong?" she begs, her voice shaky with tears.
"Huh?" I say. I move aside to let her in, and she quickly shuts the door behind us.
"How idiotic do you think I am, Fe? You think I wouldn't notice you avoiding me all week, turning down my requests for us to spend time together? I know I have not been the most joyous since our return, but I did not think you would completely ignore me altogether for it," Asteria says. There is spite in her voice, and I can see tears stinging her eyes.
"I..." My voice catches in my throat. At the moment, there is both too much and too little to say, so instead, I gesture towards my bed. "Let's sit," I say.
I have never felt so uncomfortable sitting next to Asteria before. Her body slightly trembles, and her breath shakes as she calms herself. I want to reach out and console her, but I imagine that is the last she wants from me right now.
"Did something happen in Magewell?" Asteria asks quietly.
"Like what?" I wonder.
"Like...you and Haukea. I did not know if you and her were—"
"No!" I shout, quickly waving my hands. Asteria seems shocked by how quickly I deny the fact. I calm myself and glance towards my knees. "Haukea is almost like a sister to me. We merely grew up together, but I have no feelings toward her. You needn't worry."
Asteria nods quietly. "Then...then why won't you spend time with me? I have missed you, Fe. More than you know."
I play with my fingers. There is so much I cannot tell Asteria, even though I desperately want to tell her everything. So instead, I settle on some other reasons, ones which still hold truth, but are not the main motive for my distancing.
"When we were with your brother—"
"Is this about him threatening you? Fe, I promise I will defend you once more should he ever say something so vile again," Asteria says.
This time, I find myself getting emotional. I turn to look at her angrily. "You fool! If you do that, you'll land on Gracesard Isle, just as your father threatened."
"I have already accepted that fate" Asteria says.
"But I do not want you to go there!" I exclaim angrily. The feelings are partially true, but they represent feelings far greater than I convey – I don't want her to be killed in my mother's plan. I don't want her to injured. I truly do not even want to be separated from her.
"Fe," Asteria says concernedly. She reaches a hand out to touch my shoulder, but I move it away.
"I do not want to get you in more trouble, Asteria," I say. "We will be discovered at one point, will we not?"
"If we are careful—"
"But is this how we're going to live forever? Quietly sneaking into each other's rooms, keeping an ear and an eye out for passerbys? I do not want to live like that, and I don't think you want to either," I say.
"I have told you already, Fe. I will do what I can to protect my happiness with you," Asteria says firmly. "What you describe is not what I want either, but until I can be assured of our safety, I cannot offer much more. Fe, is there something else going on?"
Of course there is more, but I will never be able to find the courage to tell her what. However, there is something bothering me, something that has always lingered inside me but that I have never been able to put into words until after what happened while we were in Magewell together. I inhale shakily and turn to look at her.
"Your brother...he said some cruel things about my country and myself," I murmur.
"Yes, I know," Asteria responds.
"And I...I can't help but wonder..." My voice catches some in my throat. "Do you feel those things about me? Do you think that I am also 'Landiani scum?' I know that you have grown up being taught that, so I can't help but wonder if your feelings for me are false, that you truly think I am as disgusting as your brother and father make our people out to be."
Asteria's eyes widen in surprise.
"Do you truly think I believe such nonsense?" she asks.
"I...I don't know anymore," I respond.
Asteria's hand reaches for my wrist. She grasps it tightly and pulls me slightly, directing my attention towards her.
"Fe, listen to me," she says. Her tone is firm and direct, demanding my attention. She gazes at me concernedly. "I have never once thought that about you. I am as disgusted by my brother and father's remarks as you are. It's true that it must not mean much coming from my mouth. My family has done awful things to your country. I cannot deny that. But I have never seen you as below me, even if you are currently serving me as my maid. Do you not remember me telling you how beautiful I thought you were the first moment I saw you?"
"You're only just saying that," I murmur.
"Fe," Asteria says once more. "Don't you understand? I love you, Fe. I love all of you. Your past, your present, your future. Your joyous smile and your kind attitude. Your beautiful wavy hair and warm brown eyes. Your heritage only further enriches all of that. I could never despise you for it. Landiani is a part of you, and though I have never visited myself, I love it just as much for gifting you to the world."
I stare at her, suddenly stricken in awe. She loves me? Whatever reasoning I had within me suddenly leaves my body. I had thought, when I realized that I loved her, that surely she did not love me back. I always thought that her affection was borne from loneliness, rather than genuine feelings for me. Tears well in the corners of my eyes.
"Asteria, I love you, too," I say quietly.
"Do you really?" she asks.
"Yes. Yes," I say again. "Far longer than you have probably known."
I can no longer hold myself back. I lean forward to capture her lips with mine, and that fire I have only ever felt once before overtakes me in full force. I dig my fingers into her golden hair, savoring in the feeling of her fingers trailing the expanse of my back as we kiss. Her tongue parts my lips, and I involuntarily let out a moan. I am surprised by my own sound, but continue kissing her in full force. I clutch her close to me, savoring the warmth of her body against my own.
I let out a gasp as Asteria pushes me down onto the bed. Before I have time to react, she leans forward to kiss me again. I hold tightly onto her waist as her lips gently graze over my neck, making me shudder underneath. She bites down gently, leaving me a whimpering mess underneath her.
"Fe," she says, pulling apart to look at me. Her eyes are full of desire; I am sure I am reflecting the same in my own. Suddenly, she appears quite nervous. "Can I continue?"
"Yes," I say. "But I have never..."
"It's okay," she says. "I'll take the lead. Please tell me to stop if anything makes you uncomfortable."
I nod and lift my back slightly as she undoes the drawstrings of my nightgown. I bite my lip nervously as she peels the gown from me. Asteria has seen me naked before, but not quite like this. When I am left completely bare, she looks at me in awe.
"Stop staring like that," I murmur, embarrassed.
"You are beautiful," Asteria responds, capturing my lips once more. Shortly after, I help undress her as well.
"Rather ironic, don't you think?" I ask as I move the sleeves of her dress away from her body.
"Shut up," Asteria grumbles. I have often seen her in her undergarments, but never completely bare like this. I glance at her body in awe, having never seen a woman so beautiful. My mind has perhaps not fully realized what is happening in this moment, however, I do know that I do not want this to end, even if it has not fully begun. I reach out to touch Asteria, finding her skin silky and smooth. One of my hands rests on the curve of her waist, while another finds her breast. Her lips come down on mine, and time begins to slow.
I lose myself to pleasure as Asteria's hands trail across my body, over my breasts, across my sides, and eventually, down to my thighs and the part of my body that is aching most. When her fingers finally make contact where I want them to, a moan arises from my body. I cling tightly to her, my breath coming out shaky and hot against her neck, until her touches nearly send me into the stars themselves. Never before have I experienced such pleasure, and staring at her through half-lidded eyes, I never knew I could feel such love either.
Unable to withhold touching her any longer, I suddenly flip us and hang over her now. Though confident above me only moments before, Asteria appears meek and fragile now. I find my confidence vanishing with each second. Asteria must notice the nervousness in my eyes because she takes my hand in hers and guides me to wear she likes to be touched, helping me through the process. Soon enough, she is the one panting beneath me, and her moans and whimpers echo loudly in my ears. I hold her tightly to me when pleasure courses through her body and kiss her face lovingly.
Exhausted, we at last collapse into each other's arms. Asteria's lips and cheeks are flushed red, but she looks even more beautiful in the moment. I press a hand to her cheek and smile down at her.
"I love you. So incredibly much," I tell her.
"Fe, I love you, too," Asteria responds, her eyes growing watery with tears once more.
I lean forward and meet her lips. Though it tastes of sweat and tears, it is one of my favorite kisses yet. Feeling her warm, bare skin against mine and her chest rising and falling, I am so inexplicably happy for the first time in my life. How foolish I was to ever deny myself this joy.
When we grow cold, I turn out the lamp and crawl under the covers with Asteria. Immediately, I find her arms, already missing the warmth of her body. Exhaustion is beginning to overtake me quickly now. Asteria sleepily traces circles into my skin and hums against me, clearly as content as I am.
"I can't stay awake much longer," I admit.
"Me neither," she responds. "But I do not want this night to end. I want to savor this moment forever."
"Me too," I respond. "But there will be more opportunities in the future. I'm not going anywhere." The words flow out of my mouth so easily that I barely comprehend how much they will sound like lies in a few weeks' time. I lean my head upward to kiss Asteria and smile at her.
"Good night, Asteria. I love you," I say.
"Good night, Fe. I love you, too."
I sleep peacefully that night, warmed by the embrace of the other, with the promise of a good tomorrow.