Ad Astra - Chapter 36: Chapter 36

I have woken up with Asteria in bed beside me countless times, but nothing compares to this particular morning. When I first wake, my heart sinks at the realization that I am in my bedroom. For the past few days, this has signaled to me that I wake alone. However, I become increasingly aware of the warmth of skin against my own. Asteria's head is buried into the crook of my neck. Her breaths tickle as she breathes out slowly. The covers fell slightly in the middle of the night, exposing her bare shoulders. I pull the sheets up slightly to cover her, and then, she begins to stir.
"Mm...Fe," she murmurs. Her body curls closer into me, and I wrap an arm around her. Heat rises to my cheeks when I see our nightgowns tangled in a pile on the floor, but I suppose there is nothing to be embarrassed about anymore.
I kiss Asteria's forehead. "Good morning." Her blue eyes make contact with mine, and I am once again filled with that warm, comforting feeling of love that overtook me in stride the evening before.
"Good morning," she says. She untangles herself from my limbs and stretches slightly. I keep my gaze directed elsewhere, even if all modesty is beyond us at this point. "Your bed is not quite as comfy as my own, I must admit. My back aches slightly."
I roll my eyes. "I wouldn't expect it to."
Asteria's hand reaches forward to cup my cheek. My lips naturally gravitate towards her, and we kiss deeply.
"I love you," Asteria says as she pulls away. Her face is slightly flushed as she says it. "I could not wait to say it again."
"I love you, too," I respond in earnest. Though I could stare at her for hours, my gaze turns to the window. Judging by the position of the sun, I am willing to bet we are already running behind schedule. I can only hope no one has knocked on the princess's door to inquire whether she would be down for breakfast.
"Let's bathe in my room," Asteria suggests.
"Are you sure?"
"I have no prior engagements this morning, correct? Let's spend some time together. It has felt like so long, after all," she says.
I nod. "Then, we will have to be stealthy. The guards will not have expected you to have spent the night here."
Asteria nods. I collect our nightgowns, and we both change once more. Glancing in the mirror, I frown at the marks Asteria has left on my neck. She sees my worry and wraps her arms around me from behind.
"I suppose I got a little carried away last night," she admits, giggling.
"The maid uniform should cover it," I answer. "Though perhaps cease all the biting next time."
"Next time?" Asteria asks playfully.
"Y-You know what I mean!" I stammer.
I come to find that next time does not come long after. The hallway remains empty when I open my door, and we quickly both flee into her bedroom. I am keenly aware in my mind how risky it was last night to have her stay with me, but both of us our so giddy with happiness that it is hard to think of anything else. Asteria draws a warmth bath for us, and though at first it starts out innocently with her fingers rubbing shampoo into my hair and me blowing bubbles towards her face, quickly we are embracing each other again and acting with the same fervent desire as the evening before.
Thankfully, we are undisturbed, and eventually, we find time to get dressed. Asteria calls down to the maids' quarters to ask if someone can deliver her breakfast. Thankfully, Maria obliges. I feel as if she can see right through me when she arrives a bit later with our meals, but she acts no differently and merely wishes us a good day. I eat with Asteria joyfully, my appetite having been worked up from the excitement of last night and this morning.
"Let's go into the garden after breakfast," Asteria suggests.
I nod eagerly, having missed our garden walks together. After breakfast, we enter the garden and keep up our normal routine, strolling casually until Asteria moves out of sight from the guards to enter her secret garden. As she parts the branches and makes way for me to enter, I realize how much of an eternity it has felt like since I was here.
Asteria sits comfortably in the grass and plays with the blades between her fingers. Though I am sure I will stain my maid's outfit and have to do extra laundry tonight, I sit beside her. My heart leaps in my chest when she rests her head against my shoulder and interlaces her fingers with mine. I say nothing, only breathe beside her and savor her presence.
"I'm so happy, Fe," she admits, burying her face into my sleeve.
"I am, too," I respond.
"I want to show you something," Asteria says, pulling her head away from me.
"Okay."
Her hand extends slowly out on the grass. Suddenly, the blades beneath her fingers die and wither, becoming browned by the action. It is only then I realize she has sucked the magic from the earth. I open my mouth to ask why, when I watch her palm open. From it, a daisy springs to life and blooms in a matter of seconds. She extends the flower toward me, and I accept it. I smell it, admiring its freshness.
"That is beautiful magic," I tell her.
"Thank you," she says. "I have rarely shown it to anyone besides my father and brother. But I wanted you to see it, too."
I smile warmly at her and admire the flower in my hands. However, the longer I look at it, recognizing its source, the more I think of the Magnuvians harvesting magic from Landiani, and suddenly, the guilt returns as I am reminded again of my mission. I try to keep up my smile, but it sinks slowly as I think of how there is nothing I can do to stop the plan now. We are only a few weeks away. Even if I cease cooperating, Kiana and my mother must have nearly all the information they need.
"Something troubling you?" Asteria asks, noticing my frown.
I look at her, the woman I love, and I realize I cannot let her die. There must be something I can do to guarantee her safety. I have a thought then. I have longed to speak to Asteria about this subject for months but never gathered the courage. However, now that she has seen every square inch of me and assured me of her love, I am certain I can speak to her more freely.
"Asteria, forgive me if this is an innapropriate question to ask, but what are your thoughts on all of this? Magic? Colonization? Your country's empire?" I wonder. To have asked this question a few months ago would be treasonous, and Asteria certainly looks surprised by me asking now, but she does not seem upset.
"It is all so complicated," Asteria murmurs. "The motions of this country – they have been happening long before my birth."
I find the courage to speak. "Do you agree with the colonization?"
"I...I suppose not, if I think about it deeply," Asteria says. "I have to be honest, Fe. I have never considered it too deeply. It was never something I considered the ethics of when I was growing up, and once my crown was stripped, it was never something I thought about as I was never going to have to enforce it. But..." Her face looks up at mine. "My country. I know it has hurt yours."
I nod firmly. "I have lost close friends and family members to Magnuvia. During my last visit to Landiani, the fish populations were the worse they have ever been. The country is slowly dying as the soldiers mine for magic there."
Asteria's hand reaches for my own and grasps it. "For that, I am sorry. Truly, Fe. I wish there were something I could do, but I am afraid the power is out of my hands."
I make a sound in agreement. I twirl the daisy slowly in my hands. To hear that Asteria does not necessarily agree with colonization is comforting, but I am not sure if it is enough. I choose my next words carefully.
"What do you think it would have been like if you became queen?" I wonder. "You must have had visions of it growing up."
Asteria pauses and thinks. "I was more concerned about the privilege that came with being queen. All the fancy dresses, free desserts, people caring for my every need. I am not sure that I realized the weight of the crown until I was older. I see its toll on my father, and I know my brother will fall victim to it, too. He has already."
"If you had become queen, with the knowledge you have now, would you consider changing the state of your country?" I ask.
Asteria bites her lip. "Of course I would want to. I did not enjoy hearing all those gruesome details in the war meeting room. If it were my way, I would love to replant the forests that naturally grew here and restore the magic of this country. But, alas, I am not sure that will ever happen, and we have dug ourselves too deep in the affairs of other nations to truly have that independence again. It would be a nearly impossible task."
"I am sure, in some way, it could be possible," I say.
Only now does Asteria stare at me weirdly. "It does not really matter though. I will never be in power, so whatever hope I have for this country will never manifest. I have been so far removed from politics at this point, I am sure I would be a poor ruler. Besides, I am not sure how the country would take to a ruler...like me. I think, in some ways, it was a blessing I was stripped from the throne. Now I never have to be forced to marry a man or birth heirs. I couldn't imagine that being my reality."
"Of course. I am only speaking hypothetically," I assure her.
Asteria nods. She lets out a sigh and lays down in the grass, meaning I will once again be subject to picking out the fresh blades from her hair after our walk, though I suppose it does not really bother me so much.
"I just hope I do not have to return to Magewell anytime soon," she says, changing the subject. "If it were possible, I would love to spend out my days in Esterpool with you beside me, Fe."
Her eyes are gleaming as she looks at me. Though she does not say it, I can feel her love radiating towards me in this moment. I tuck some stray hairs behind my ear and lean down to kiss her. As I pull apart, I stare into her eyes and share the same sentiments.
"It would be my wish too," I say.
Except, I will probably not be here in a few weeks' time if my mother's plan goes accordingly. However, that does not mean I wish to be parted from Asteria. No, I do not want to live my days in Esterpool, but it is becoming increasingly harder to imagine a future without Asteria in it. Thankfully, the sentiments she shared with me have given me hope.
As soon as I made the decision in Magewell to continue following my mother's plan, I had hoped there would be some way to spare Asteria, even though I was clutching at straws. However, after our conversation today, there is hope.
Staring down at Asteria, I think of how both her kind-natured side and her stronger, resilient side have shaped her into a potentially fantastic ally. Should she be useful in my mother's eyes, perhaps there will be no reason to kill her after all. My vital task will be to convince my mother that this is the case.