Ad Astra - Chapter 37: Chapter 37

Lost in my love for Asteria, the passage of time happens smoothly. Before I can blink, another week has passed, meaning I am only that much closer to the date I am supposed to carry out the execution of Prince Stephan. No letters for my mother come in that time, nor do I write, too worried wondering how I will convince my mother to spare Asteria's life. I keep my thoughts at a distance, trying to distract myself by spending as much time with Asteria as possible so that I may savor the possibly last moments we will have together if all goes according to my mother's plan.
And yet, as I kiss her, embrace her, lie beside her in bed, I want so desperately to save her. I come to realize that if I take no action at all, there will be nothing I can do when the date of the assassination comes. Asteria will die, partially by my hand, and I will have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life and mourn the happiness I worked so hard to procure.
With this in mind, I finally sit down to write a letter on a Sunday evening. Asteria and I have just finished dinner, and though I expect to go join her in her bedroom, I must wait for Josie, who is readying her for bed, to finish doing so before I can rejoin her. I sit at my mahogany desk with a blank piece of paper in front of me. I rest my hands on either side of my head and tap my foot impatiently, trying to get the words out. It is one thing to share my thoughts with my mother, but certainly another to do so in a way that will be discreet enough for her to receive my message.
When the words refuse to flow, I finally decide to write some drafts from the heart, no pseudonyms or false narratives. Though I may not be able to send them, I can at least have in mind what I wish to write to my mother, and if she happens to visit me beforehand, I will have talking points. The sun is beginning to set in the distance, and I decide I will force myself to write until it disappears in the horizon. I write feverishly, trying to think of what sounds best, but as I glance over the several drafts I have started, they all consist of nothing more than a few lines:
Dear Mama, please be willing to listen to what I have to share with you. Perhaps an entirely different Magnuvian regime is possible.
Dear Mama, Have you considered Asteria need not be our enemy? Think of what she can add to our plan as an ally.
Dear Mama, I am begging you to spare Asteria's life.
I groan frustratingly. Even if I am not willing to compose my feelings for Asteria in a letter, I almost think it would be easier for my mother to understand. She loved my father once. Surely she must know the grip that romantic love would have on me as well. Yet, I feel like sharing such thoughts will only damn Asteria more. I grapple with my thoughts some more, wondering how on earth I can write something convincing enough to spare Asteria's life. I place ink to paper again, ready to begin yet another draft, when a knock on the door interrupts me.
I stiffen and sit straight up in my chair. Quickly, I shove the drafts into my desk drawer and rise to greet the knocker at the door. A part of me hopes it is Asteria, but my heart falls when I merely find one of Asteria's guards at my door. I stare at him, perplexed. The guards do not often call upon me. Important matters are usually discussed with Alba despite my head maid status.
"May I help you?" I ask. The annoyance in my tone is clear.
"Apologies for the disruption, ma'am. Alba sent me here a moment ago. It seems you have a visitor," he says.
A visitor? I wonder why I am being visited at such a late hour. Nevertheless, if Taika is here, I would be happy to see him. Perhaps I am struggling to tell Mama the truth, but if I pull Taika aside and ask to speak with him, I am sure he will understand. Suddenly, I am uplifted, thinking that a conversation with Taika is all that I need. What I lack in convincing my mother to compromise, he will make up for.
"Thank you. I will head over to the gates now," I say.
The last glimpses of evening sunlight spreads out on the cobblestone path to the back gates. I walk slowly, trying to think of all that I will say to Taika. Should I omit my love for Asteria entirely? No. He will be the one most likely to understand. But then how will he react when I tell him that my desire to spare Asteria is not borne from love alone? Will he think me foolish? Will he think it impossible for her to become our ally? Worry fills my bones as I walk closer to the gate.
As I pass the maids' quarters, I am greeted by Maria.
"Good evening, Fe! It's a lovely time for a walk," she says, a smile on her face. "I was heading back from a stroll in the garden. Are you headed there yourself?"
"I'm going to meet Taika, actually," I say. I have spoken of him enough for her to know him by name now. "We are going to go on a walk while there is still some sunlight left. I imagine he must have taken a late train in."
"How fun! Say hello to Zofia if you see her. She went on an evening stroll as well," Maria explains.
I nod, wish her a good evening, and head toward the gate. My brief discussion with Maria provided a healthy distraction. Now, I have the confidence to discuss all that is on my mind with him. I am sure I can be convincing.
When I reach the gate, however, the figure standing nearby is shorter than Taika. A long green cloak hides their facial features so that I cannot make out exactly who it is. I approach cautiously, wondering would be here to visit me if not Taika himself?
As I step out of the gates and toward the fence where the figure rests, their gaze turns to me. A chill runs down my body as I make eye contact with my mother. Immediately, all hope is lost. My heart sinks, and my stomach drops. I had been rehearsing what I would say to Taika, but I did not imagine that my mother would be here, especially out in the public, to visit me herself.
Noises bubble from my throat as I think of how to address her. Her name nearly slips from my mouth before she hisses at me.
"Do not speak here," she says. "Come with me."
I nod and follow obediently. I realize she is leading me to the edge of the forest where we often gather. I consider speaking up to ask if Taika is nearby, but I am sure my mother wants me to maintain the silence for now. She must be taking a big risk coming to meet me so publicly like this.
Finally, we enter into the woods and find a comfortable spot near the creek, where the flowing water will drown out the sound of our voices. My mother lowers her cloak. Excitement is visible in her face. I cannot say any reflects on my own.
"Mama, why are you visiting me so late? And where is Taika?" I ask, looking around for him.
"Taika is not here. He is finishing the final preparations for our travels," my mother says. A grin spreads across her face. "Congratulations, Fetia. We are almost there. You have been of much help. I figured that it would make more sense for me to visit you than to try to compose a letter. In one week's time, we will kill the royal family." There is something sadistic in the way she says it. I would have been overjoyed to hear those words months ago, but now, they only frighten me.
"One week?" I ask nervously. "Are you sure?"
"Yes. We are quite sure we have everything we need. Kiana has finished mapping the castle, and she recently acquired the complete daily schedules of the king and prince. They are unusually less busy next week, providing us plenty of time to execute them if they are to remain in their chambers for periods on end. And you have provided all of Asteria's details. Thank you again for all you have done on your end."
"Mama," I say nervously. "About Asteria. I think that—"
"Don't be hasty, Fetia. I have not finished sharing all the details. We will carry out the plan on the evening of next Sunday." Quickly, she shoves a piece of parchment into my pocket. I go to reach for it, but she shoves my hand away. "Do not open that now. Only open it in the privacy of your room. It is a map. You are to meet us in the marked location between Esterpool and Okchester. Taika is acquiring a vehicle and will transport you the rest of the way to Magewell."
"But...but how will I get away?" I ask. "As head maid, I have many responsibilities—"
"Get away? Does it really matter?" my mother asks. "Simply sneak out that morning, earlier than you expect anyone would come looking for you. Once the assassination happens, I am sure no one will be concerned with the whereabouts of a maid. Does that sound like a plan?"
"Yes, Mama, but I have something important to talk to you about regarding Asteria," I say.
"As do I," my mother says. My gaze is locked onto hers as she utters the next words. "I will need you to kill Princess Asteria."
My world spins for a moment. I grasp onto the nearby tree trunk for support, slowly comprehending the words my mother just said. My earlier dinner threatens to come up, but I swallow painfully and turn to stare at my mother, aghast.
"What? Mama! You said that would not be my responsibility," I argue.
"It would not have been, but as you are in such close proximity to the princess, who else would do it? It will take more effort to send a separate assassin after her. You know her schedule. You have access to her chambers. She trusts you. It should not be difficult finding a time to do it," my mother says.
The way she says the words so simply fill with me sadness and rage. Asteria is nothing but a body to her, one that must be disposed of. Perhaps that was all that Asteria was to me when I first came here, but as I grew to know her, to care for her, to love her, she became so much more. She is now an integral part of my life that I cannot imagine losing.
"Mama," I say firmly. "I do not think that I can. Because, I think that Asteria—"
"That cannot be doubt I hear in your voice now," my mother says. Her voice is low and chilling with a threatening nature I have only ever heard a few times throughout my life. "Do not tell me you are backing out when you have worked so hard."
"But the princess—"
"The princess cannot live. We cannot have any suitable heirs to the throne, even if her title was stripped from her. She must die," my mother says firmly.
Tears well up in my eyes. I open my mouth to disagree once more, to beg my mother to reconsider and listen to what I have to say, but at that moment, the leaves rustle nearby.
"Fe?" someone says.
I pivot my body slowly, watching as Zofia steps out of the bushes. Maria's words suddenly replay in my mind, when she told me how Zofia went out on an evening walk. How foolish I was to forget!
"Fe? Who is this?" Zofia asks. Her voice is shaky, no doubt with fear. "What were you just talking about?"
My eyes widen, and I panic, trying to think of what to do. I cannot let Zofia run back to the estate and share what she has seen, and yet, my feet won't move.
My mother acts before I do. She reaches into her cloak, pulling out something shiny. I only catch a faint glimpse of it reflecting in the moonlight before she hurls it. Zofia lets out a chilling gasp and suddenly sinks to the ground. As her maid's outfit begins to stain red, I realize my mother has just thrown a knife into her chest.
I take one step forward to aid her, but my mother holds out her hand and stops me. I remain still, watching as my mother walks over to where Zofia's body lays, crumpled. I can hear her labored breathing, signaling she is very much still alive. My hands rush to cover my ears when my mother pulls the knife from Zofia's chest. Her bloodcurdling scream twists my stomach. I have to turn away when my mother brings the knife down again. I am unable to hold down the contents of my stomach any longer and retch onto the forest floor. My coughing and gasping masks the final sounds of Zofia's life. When I gather the courage to turn back around, her body is still, and no sound comes from her mouth.
I step forward, wanting to check if she is still alive, but the blood pooling around her body and the glossy look of her eyes is evidence enough.
My mother walks toward me now, fire in her eyes. Droplets of blood roll down her forearms, staining the cloak she was wearing when she greeted me. She holds out the knife to me, and I stiffen, fear suddenly overtaking me. Then, she turns it around, placing the handle in my hands. The knife is warm and sticky. My palms quickly become stained with blood, too. I hold it in my hands, noticing how the shiny gleam of metal has been painted crimson red.
"These people have wronged us, Fetia," my mother says. "They have wronged you. Was this not one of the maids responsible for your beating?"
I am too shocked to say anything. I merely stare at Zofia's dead body, still not comprehending what I have just witnessed.
"Do not look at her with remorse," my mother says. "We could not have let her lived anyway. Fetia, listen to me."
Finally, I make eye contact with her again.
"Do not forget what this country has done. Do not forget those who still suffer in Landiani and who are counting on us to bring justice. What I just did to this young woman – you should have no problem doing the same to the princess."
"I..." I cannot find the words to even respond to my mother.
"Taika will arrive to that designated spot on your map on Sunday morning. Kill the princess by then, or don't bother coming at all," my mother says. She clasps her hands over mine, forcing me to squeeze the knife handle closer. "We're almost there, Fetia."
The knife feels like a weight in my hands.