Ad Astra - Chapter 39: Chapter 39

Two days later, I still have not made a decision. The clock is ticking rapidly. It is Wednesday. In four days, Taika will be waiting for me to take me to Magewell, but I still do not know if I have the courage to go. I certainly do not have the courage to kill Asteria. Each day, I triple check where I have hidden the knife and study it carefully, and each day, I cannot even begin to imagine how I could take her life.
I try writing letters to my mother, describing all that I neglected to tell her during our last meeting, but I never get far. I do not know if my correspondence will reach her in time anyway. I am sure she must be busy preparing, and I doubt anything I have to say will change her mind now about the plan or Asteria's fate.
I put on my best face for Asteria, but she knows me well enough to know something is bothering me. Thankfully, she does not question me on it, but the extra attention she gives me only doubles my guilt and makes me worry more about being discovered.
In the afternoon, I enjoy tea with Asteria in her chambers during a break in my chores. Our conversation is light and casual. Tension is still high in the estate. Zofia has still not been found, which relieves me, but worries the others. Alba wrote to Zofia's parents earlier in the week, but in their returning letter, they stated that Zofia had not returned home, smashing all doubts that Zofia ran away from her duties. It is clear that foul play is suspected now, and while my name may be cleared for now thanks to Maria, I am sure it will not stay that way forever if I'm not careful.
As thoughts of worry run through my mind, Asteria sets her cups down and strolls over to me. She walks behind the couch I sit on and hugs me from behind, nestling her head into the crook of my neck.
"Asteria?" I ask.
"Let's go for a walk in the garden," she suggests. "The weather is not too warm today."
I agree, hoping being outdoors will clear my thoughts. I accompany her out into the garden, enjoying the feeling of sunlight on my skin. I fear my time in Esterpool will be coming to an end soon. Though my feelings of the place are complicated, just like Asteria's, I breathe in the scent of roses and admire their soft colors all the same. So much has happened in my time here. In my possibly final days serving as Asteria's maid, I am suddenly saddened to leave all this behind.
"What's wrong?" Asteria asks me calmly. "You've been so somber lately, Fe. Is there anything I can do to help?"
"I—" My voice catches in my throat. There is not much I can share, as desperately as I want to. I clear my throat and shake my head. "I am only still worried about Zofia's disappearance. It has been giving me much stress. Everything has become so tense lately – with the Magewell trip, now the estate."
Though we are not in her hidden garden, Asteria's hand still reaches for my own. She pauses in her steps and squeezes my hand tightly. "Please do not worry for my sake."
"But, I—"
She drops my hand and continues walking. "I can handle myself. I appreciate your concern, but do not waste all your energy worrying for me, too. Besides, Zofia could be somewhere safe for all we know. Do not think the worst."
I smile weakly, but I know the worst has already come for her. I witnessed it with my own eyes. And soon, the worst might come to Asteria as well.
"Focus on the simple things," Asteria tells me. "The sun is shining brightly today, isn't it? And the pink roses that you love have bloomed recently. There is so much to enjoy."
Her optimism is another reason why I love her. As desperately as I want to kiss her, I cannot in the public space of the garden with the guards lingering around. I merely smile at her instead, overjoyed to see the same curve of her lips.
"Thank you," I say.
We hold each other's gaze for a few moments until our brief moment of peace is interrupted by panicked shouting. I turn, seeing Alba rushing toward us. She gathers the hems of her dress and moves swiftly. My stomach plummets.
"We've found Zofia!" she shouts.
I hate that I see Asteria's face light up at the news. It all too quickly drops when we both can make out the grief on Alba's face.
"Is she..." Asteria cannot bring herself to say the words.
"We found her body," Alba says solemnly. "Please, come quick."
I stride quickly with Asteria, saying nothing. I am too frightened to speak, afraid anything I say will be used against me. Alba already distrusts me. Now that Zofia's body has been found, I am sure the maids will be their prime suspects again, myself included. I think to the knife stored in my drawer, suddenly worrying how long it will be until I am discovered. Perhaps my days with Asteria are even more numbered than I imagined.
Alba leads us quickly to the back gates of the estate, where I often meet Taika when he visits. Many of the guards are there, huddling around something. I want to turn and run away, but to do so would be to declare my guilt. I keep to Asteria's side until we arrive at the scene. Alba parts the guards with her hands. They move away, revealing the slowly decomposing body of Zofia laid out on a tarp. I can still see the puncture wounds on her body from where my mother stabbed her, even if some of the blood has washed away. I only stare for a few seconds before the contents of my stomach suddenly come up, and I quickly step to the side, fall to my knees, and hurl, just missing the shoes of one of the guards.
"Fe!" Asteria exclaims. She kneels down beside me, rubbing my back as I cough up the remnants of my morning meal. I keep my back turned, unable to bear looking at Zofia's body again.
"An awful sight, isn't it?" Alba murmurs.
Asteria stands to speak with her. I listen to them from my spot on the ground, too afraid to look once more.
"Where did you find her?" Asteria asks the guards.
"We were searching along the creek and found her body a few miles downstream along the shore," the guard says. "There are clear puncture wounds on her body, no doubt from a stabbing."
"Then this is graver than we thought," Alba murmurs.
"Do the other maids know?" Asteria asks.
"Not yet. Was a murder weapon found?" Alba asks.
The guards shake their heads.
"I suppose we must begin a search all throughout the estate, then," Alba says. "Each of the maid's rooms will be searched, including yours, Fe."
I turn my head around to briefly glance at Alba.
Asteria stands in front of us. "That won't be necessary—"
"I am not suggesting she killed Zofia, but we must treat everyone as a suspect until a weapon is found," Alba snaps. "Even if the maids all have alibis, the murderer could have hidden the weapon somewhere in the estate."
There is anger in Asteria's tone as she replies. "Fine. Do what you must. Fe, why don't you return back to your room? Alba and I will take it from here."
"And do not speak to the other maids yet about this matter," Alba warns me.
I nod and rise shakily to my feet. I quickly make my way back to my bedroom. Panic threatens to engulf every inch of me. I rush to my drawer, checking that the knife is still there. I take it out, but I realize slowly that there will be nowhere to hide it. If every inch of the estate is to be searched, I will need to hide it outside, but if I am to leave now, my actions would certainly come off as suspicious. I place the knife back into the drawer for now and pace my room, wondering what my next plan of action should be. I consider hiding it in my uniform pocket, but the knife is heavy and could easily slip out if I move the wrong way. And if it were discovered on me, I would be found guilty immediately. Where can I hide the knife? What can I do to prolong my sentence?
Unfortunately, I linger too long, because in under an hour, the guards arrive to search my room. There are only two; the others must be searching other areas of the estate. I stand with my back against the wall, watching them open drawers and overturn furniture, looking for any possible weapon. My undergarments dresser is in the far corner of the room; no doubt the last place they will look. I can only hope they will see what is inside of it and leave it as is, but just in case, I continue eyeing the doors and windows, trying to think of how I can plan an escape.
My heart beats louder as they draw closer and closer to the drawer. They search the top drawer first, containing nothing more than some socks, then the middle, which contains parts of my maid uniform. Then, finally, they pause at the last drawer. I hold in my breath, watching as one of the guards wraps his hand around the drawer handle.
This is it. I must be prepared to flee at any moment.
Suddenly, I hear racing footsteps down the hall. Another guard runs in, out of breath, before the guard in my room has a chance to open the drawer.
"Come quick! We think we may have found something! One of the cooks keeps a knife in his bedroom," he says.
The guard quickly removes his hand from my drawer and stands. He glances at me, then back to the other guard.
"We are done here anyway," he says. "There is nothing suspicious in this room."
Then, they leave, and I let out the biggest exhale once the door to my bedroom shuts. Slowly, I slide down the hall and bury my face into my knees. It is certainly a miracle that they barely managed not to check the drawer where the actual murder weapon is hidden. Of course, I am sure they will figure out that the knife belonging to the cook was not the actual weapon. This buys me only a little bit of time. They will no doubt search again when they come up with nothing.
I keep to my room for the remainder of the afternoon and into the evening. Asteria does not ask to be accompanied to dinner, no doubt being kept busy by the investigation. I bring some food up from the kitchen and eat in the solitude of my bedroom.
As I eat, my thoughts linger. My time in Esterpool is quickly vanishing. I will inevitably be discovered as Zofia's murderer and be locked up before I get the chance to partake in my mother's plan. There is a slim chance of survival now. I will either be killed for Zofia's murder or for the assassination plan. Even if I choose not to kill Asteria, I can only assume the consequences from my mother will be severe. From any way I look at it, there will not be a life worth living if I do survive all of this.
With this in mind, I retrieve the knife from my drawer and study the blade. My hands shake holding it. I grip the handle tightly and lower my head in shame. I have made my decision, as cowardly as it is. I will kill Asteria, then flee. I do not expect to make it far, but if I am already to be framed for Zofia's murder, then I will be no less guilty for the murder of the princess as well.
A knock at the door startles me. I quickly shove the knife back into the drawer and rise to greet my visitor at the door. I open it, finding Asteria.
"May I come in?" she asks.
I nod, moving aside.
"How is the search going?" I ask.
"They are questioning one of the cooks right now, though more investigation will need to be done. From what the guards have told me, there is no real motive for him to kill Zofia. They are currently investigating his alibi. Still, the knife is suspicious," Asteria murmurs. She glances up at me. "Have they checked your room?"
"Yes. Earlier today," I say.
Asteria nods. "I am sorry that Alba—"
"No. Don't say it. It's okay," I say. "I did not have a good relationship with Zofia. It is only reasonable that they would suspect me. Are you doing okay? Zofia was your maid, after all."
Asteria glances down at her feet. "I have barely had time to process all of it. It is saddening for sure. Zofia has been here for quite a few years. I have appreciated her company. But at the same time, I do not like that she hurt you. I do not think she deserved to die for that, but I no longer hold her in the same kind regard. I am sure you feel similarly."
"Yes," I confirm. "We did not see eye-to-eye, but I would never have wished harm on her." I still do not think it was right for my mother to did what she did. I know that it would've severely harmed our plans, and yet, I wish there had been another way to silence her.
"Asteria," I say.
She turns to look at me.
"I think I will sleep alone tonight. I am exhausted, and I am sure you are, too."
Asteria nods. "Yes. I've been running around all day. Are you sure you will be okay, Fe? I know you have been worried lately. If my company would make you feel better—"
I shake my head. "Rest up," I say. I grab onto her forearm and push up with my toes to kiss her. The kiss is short and sweet, and yet, the feeling of her lips lingers in my mind. This will quite possibly be the last time that I kiss her.
"I love you," I say, and I mean it, truthfully.
"I love you, too," Asteria whispers. "Sleep well, Fe."
With that, she leaves me. I stay awake, holding the knife in my hands, as the lights slowly go out around the estate. Again and again I consider my options, but it is impossible to see a way through all of this. I trace the blade of the knife back and forth, almost soothingly, trying to will myself to imagine what it will be like to murder Asteria. I remember thinking how easy it would be during one of my first days attending to her. So why must it be so difficult now?
Eventually, a few hours after the estate has gone dark, I rise from my bed, knife in hand. I will myself to take one step at a time. To overthink now would damn me. I open the door to my bedroom slowly, glancing back and forth in the hall. The guards are stationed elsewhere, most likely outside the doors of the west wing, though I keep my eyes peeled, guessing security will be heightened with Zofia's body being found. I creep slowly down the hall, until eventually, I come to Asteria's door.
I unlock her door slowly and step in quietly. The door creaks slightly as I close it, and I pause, but I hear no sound coming from where Asteria slumbers. Knife in hand, I tiptoe across Asteria's chambers. From afar, I can see her asleep in her bed. She does not move, assuring me that she is sleeping soundly. I thank her suddenly for being a heavy sleeper. This will make the whole ordeal that much easier.
I creep slowly to the side of her bed where she sleeps. Her breaths are slow and steady. She must be dreaming soundly. I shake my head, trying not to think too deeply. Asteria must die here and now. I need to be with my mother and sister. It is what I was destined to do. From birth my mother has raised me to follow her plan. I will do whatever it takes to make sure of that.
I raise the knife with both hands, ready to bring it down on her neck, but as I move to bring it down, she lets out a small murmur and curls more deeply into her bed covers. She still appears to sleep, but it is enough to make me pause, and suddenly, rational thoughts suddenly flood my brain, replacing the cowardly, panicked thoughts that have consumed me all day. I glance at Asteria, her golden hair, still light in the moonlight, her peaceful face, her soft skin, and gentle breaths. Memories of our time together replay through my head, from our first meeting to when she held me in her arms as we slept, skin against skin, a few nights before.
I cannot end her life. I love her.
My knees collapse beneath me, and I sink to the ground, letting out a cry. I hear Asteria stir and quickly shove the knife under her rug before she wakes fully. Her body turns, and she stares at me, her eyes widened in surprise.
"Fe? Fe, what is it?" she asks. Her hand reaches out to wipe the tears from my eyes.
"A nightmare," I lie. "I dreamt that...that you—"
"Sh," Asteria says. She sits up and beckons me towards her with her arms. I fall into them with ease and sob into her gown. As she runs her fingers through my hair and kisses my temple and cheek, I feel guilty for ever thinking I could kill her.
"C-Can I stay here with you?" I hiccup between sobs.
"Of course. Always," Asteria says to me. She pulls the covers aside, allowing me to crawl in on the other side. I immediately reach for her and sigh in relief when her arms wrap around me once more. The tears still flow, but I am comforted by her warm arms.
She holds me until my tears cease, then rubs my back and whispers her love for me until her soothing words and actions lull me into a pleasant slumber.