Ad Astra - Chapter 4: Chapter 4

For years I waited for the reveal of my mother's plan. Those long days spent traveling to the caves, listening to my mother's history lessons, and practicing combat with my sister trickled by slowly. I always assumed my final days in Landiani would benefit from that same slowness, but I find that they move far too quickly. As a result, I try to make every memory count. I wake early to watch the sunrise, visit my favorite booths in the market one last time, savor the scent of ocean air, and memorize the soft feeling of my bedsheets. However, to my dismay, the hours pass by too quickly, and soon enough, my final day in Landiani arrives. I think how in only twenty-four hours, I will be in Esterpool, where I will be putting the etiquette training Taika has drilled into my head over the past week to the test.
During my last evening in Landiani, we host a small gathering at our household. Taika prepares Kiana's and my favorite dishes, and Lagi and Palila join. We laugh, eat, and share memories of our time together in Tetoa. Life almost feels seemingly normal having everyone together again, but as I look out the window at the sun descending in the sky, I am reminded of just how limited our time is together.
Eventually, dinner winds down. My mother and Taika go to collect water from our well to wash dishes while Kiana, Lagi, Palila, and I eat the remnants of a fruit tart that my mother picked up from the market earlier in the day. I wonder briefly what the food will taste like in Magnuvia. I doubt it will taste as fresh or comforting as the food I've grown up eating in my home country. For that reason, I nibble slowly on the tart, savoring its sweetness.
"How are you traveling tomorrow?" Lagi asks.
"On foot," I answer. "Taika will go with me to Otakoro, and our mother will take Kiana to Satavau."
Tears reflect in Palila's eyes again. She has cried no less than ten times tonight alone, but I have not been courageous enough to reach out and comfort her. Even now, seeing her watery eyes, I say nothing. Nothing can be done to change the fact that Kiana and I leave tomorrow. To give her false hope would only be cruel. And yet, Kiana is the one who is brave enough to find her voice.
"Palila. It'll be okay," Kiana says.
My best friend sniffles and blows her nose loudly into a spare handkerchief that Lagi pulls from his shorts pocket.
"Will you both write?" Palila asks. Her voice shakes with sorrow.
This is something neither I nor Kiana can guarantee. Our letters are already at risk of being intercepted by Magnuvian forces. My mother will most likely disapprove of any correspondence besides letters to her and Taika. I open my mouth to share with Palila that it may be too difficult, that the soldiers may end up knowing our whereabouts through such correspondence, but Kiana beats me.
"We'll try our best," she lies.
This time I am glaring at Kiana, knowing that she has given Palila false hope. However, I see Palila's tears slowly begin to dry, and I wonder if perhaps Kiana was right in giving that answer, if only to save Palila from some pain.
"I truly would love to visit you if I move through Otakoro," Lagi explains. He has brought this idea forward often in the past few days, but I have always been able to successfully shift the conversation elsewhere before any logistics are discussed. Tonight though, I am cornered.
"I'll keep you updated," is all I manage to say. "I know there are less soldiers there, but Mama will want me to be kept safe. Besides, I'm not sure if you should be affiliating yourself with us now that you're joining the army."
"Listen to what she says, Lagi," Palila urges, which thankfully ends any hope of Lagi visiting me. Palila then turns to look at all of us. Her hands fold into each other, and she takes in a deep breath. "My biggest wish is that you will all return to Tetoa."
"Palila," I begin. It is not that I do not trust my mother's plan, but if the plan were to fail, I am absolutely certain Kiana and I would be hunted down and killed before even being able to cross back into Landiani's borders.
"No," Palila says. There is a fierceness in her voice I don't normally recognize. As long as I have known her, she has always been gentle and kind. Her voice never raises in anger, she always cries in solidarity with us during our hardships, and there is almost always a smile on her face when we are with each other. The Palila in front of me is foreign, possessed by a grief that I never even saw her share with us when Lagi was drafted into the Magnuvian army. "I don't care how long it takes. I want all of us to sit here together again and enjoy a meal. This isn't good-bye. I wish we would stop treating it as that."
"I hope it isn't good-bye either," I murmur.
Lagi looks out the window at the setting sun. "We should head out soon, Palila."
Palila begins to protest. "But—"
"No. He's right," Kiana insists. "The soldiers won't like you wandering around once it gets dark."
I rise uneasily from my seat, feeling my limbs shake beneath me. This is really it, I think. When and if I next see Lagi and Palila, the state of our world will be different. I can only hope that if we ever have a reunion, it will be for a joyous reason.
I embrace Palila first. I dig my fingers tightly into her back and press my head into her shoulder, savoring her warmth. I can still recall our first meeting all those years ago during my first day of school, when a young girl with pigtails sat beside me and told me all about going to collect clams on the weekends. I was frightened by her carefree and cheerful nature, as my mother had told me to always remain vigilant and attentive in the schoolroom, but our interactions together quickly morphed into a long-lasting friendship. My heart pangs thinking that we will soon all leave Palila alone, but I know she is stronger than she looks. She will survive the pain.
"Remember. It's not good-bye forever," Palila tells me as we break away. I nod, watching as she moves toward Kiana.
Next, I turn to Lagi. He was smaller than both Palila and myself when he entered the schoolroom the year after us. As I embrace him, I realize how tall he is grown. No longer is he the timid child that would ask Palila and me for help with schoolwork when we were younger. Soon enough, he will be off to the Magnuvian army, experiencing a hell I will never be able to understand.
"Be safe," I tell him. "Palila needs you," I whisper into his ear. Though I may not be around to ever see them married, I truly hope he one day also receives the happiness he deserves.
"I will. And please, let me know about when you've settled in Otakoro," he says, bringing the conversation back around again.
"Okay," I say sadly, knowing my correspondence will never reach him.
I turn away to wipe a few spare tears from my eyes while Kiana wraps up her goodbyes. We all part sorrowfully, and I watch out the window as my friends disappear down the street into the distance. The sun is descending rapidly now, casting an orange glow over our village. Though it is foolish, I ask Kiana one last request.
"Would you like to watch the sunset together?"
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Kiana and I sit together on the shore of Tetoa Bay, watching the waves trickle in slowly on the beach. I sift sand through my fingers, trying to memorize its softness as best I can. I think sadly of the ocean sunrises and sunsets I'll miss during my time in Esterpool. No longer will I hear the cry of seabirds or the rhythmic sound of waves crashing on the shore from my bedroom window. Instead, I'll be spending day and night doting over the spoiled princess of a nation that I already despise with all my being despite us being strangers.
"You're quiet," Kiana notes.
"I'm sad," I say. "Are you not?"
Though Kiana and I have kept mostly separate this past week with our respective trainings, in the moments we were together, she simply carried on with life as she always has. Even at dinner, I expected her to feel some sense of sorrow, but she remained quite calm and composed, just like my mother. Once again, they are no doubt copies of each other. She has always followed my mother's instructions perfectly, unlike me.
"Of course I'm sad," Kiana murmurs. "But, truthfully, Fetia, even if we weren't leaving tomorrow, the day would come when we weren't all together anymore. Lagi is already going off to war. You and I would have both left the house when we wed. We're not children anymore. Do you think we would've stayed in Tetoa forever?
"I—"
"I can't be sad, not when I think of how much better this country will be if everything goes accordingly," Kiana says.
I nod and say nothing in response. Sighing, I cross my arms and rest my head on my knees, watching the remaining bits of daylight reflect on the water's surface.
"Fetia," Kiana says, "will you..." Her voice drawls off. Her eyes lock on mine, and her next words leave her mouth slowly. "Will you actually be able to follow through?"
I stare at her in bewilderment. "Of course, I will! I didn't go through all that etiquette training with Taika for no reason! Why would you think any different?"
I am angered by her question. Perhaps I have not always followed my mother's instructions perfectly or performed to the standard Mama wanted, but that has never made me less of a player in this game than Kiana.
"I'm sorry," Kiana responds. "Forget I suggested it."
"I want the same thing for this country as you," I argue. "And I'll do what I need to in order to make that happen."
Kiana nods. As the sun's rays finally sink beneath the waves, I begin to stretch, knowing we cannot stay out much longer. Kiana, however, remains in place.
"We'll be apart for longer than we ever have been," she realizes, keeping her gaze fixated on the ocean.
I think of what Mama said the day after she announced her plan. Since she brought up the reality of Kiana and I being separated, it is a thought that has crossed my mind often this past week. Growing up, my entire identity has always revolved around my family. Everything Kiana and I have encountered over the years has been together. For the first time since before her birth, we will no longer be by each other's side. The thought terrifies me, but, as Kiana said before, I realize our separation would have always been inevitable.
"You'll stay safe, won't you?" I ask. While I am worried for my own safety, I know Kiana will be in a much more dangerous position than me, potentially facing actual combat. I am sure the worst I will face is the princess having a bad attitude over a hang nail.
"I'll be okay," Kiana promises. "What about you? I'm nervous for you, to be honest. You'll be forming much more personal relationships than me."
"Don't worry. Taika's been training me well," I assure her. I glance up at the darkening sky and turn to Kiana. "We should head back."
Kiana nods and rises.
As we leave our spot in the sand and ascend back up toward our house, I tell Kiana that I hope we can watch the sunset in Tetoa Bay together again one day.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
That night, I toss and turn wildly, practically begging sleep to come to me. In the darkness, I peer over at Kiana's still form, jealous of her ability to rest, but I realize that her breathing is too shallow for her to truly be asleep. Her wakefulness comforts me; at least we are both nervous for whatever tomorrow brings. Exhaustion does finally take hold of me then, but I am haunted all night by nightmarish dreams of being discovered in Esterpool, of failing to fulfill my mission, and watching Landiani burn in flames. I wake in a pool of my sweat in the early morning, just as the sky begins to lighten.
A rampant knock echoes on the door.
"Fetia! Kiana! It's time to get up!" my mother calls from the other side.
I rise lazily, not attempting to hide my drowsiness. If Kiana truly was as restless as me last night, she hides her sleep deprivation well. She neatly makes her bed and delicately gathers her belongings without a moment of hesitation, though when I make eye contact with her, I can see the tiredness reflecting in her eyes.
I make my bed slowly and haphazardly. Though there is not much sense in tidying up my room before my departure, I do so anyway, trying to memorize every nook and cranny of the bedroom I've grown up in before I am forced to leave it behind for possibly an eternity. Though Kiana exits and joins the others for breakfast, I linger for a moment, breathing in the scent of my home, before I grab my bag of belongings and join the others in the kitchen.
Everyone appears in good spirits as I take a seat at the kitchen table, but in my drowsy state, it's hard to fake a smile for my last meal in Tetoa. Taika slowly pushes a plate toward me – the last breakfast he will make for me. I thank him, but as he and my mother and sister dig into their meals, the sight of food makes me nauseous.
"You should try to eat something," Taika murmurs when he notices I am only one not eating. "We'll be traveling half the day in the jungle. You'll need energy."
I force myself to take small bites, and when that doesn't upset my stomach, I do my best to finish the rest of the meal, though it threatens to come back up once or twice. My mother has already finished her breakfast and is quickly taking inventory of Kiana's and my things. We won't be bringing much with us; just some clothes and jewelry, a keepsake or two, and of course, the forged paperwork that will allow us to begin our new roles in Magnuvia. I help Taika collect plates, but he tells me not to worry about washing them outside with him this morning. It'll be best for us to take off as quickly as possible.
"We leave in a few minutes. Take one last look around to make sure you haven't forgotten anything," my mother tells Kiana and me.
I begin to feel nauseous again as the reality sets in. This is really happening. I am leaving my house in Tetoa, possibly for a little while, or possibly forever, as I undertake my mother's mission. By this evening, I'll be in Esterpool, living in a completely different country than the one I grew up in. Tears fill my eyes as I think of leaving home, but Kiana is putting on a brave face, and she is taking on a much more intense role than me, so I must maintain my composure for her sake as well.
I don't linger too long like I did in my bedroom earlier in the morning. I glance around, enough to capture a visual image of the house, and then, I step outside to join the others. With not a moment to waste, we turn away from the house and head into the jungle. In a single moment, I've left my past, my memories, and my identity in Tetoa behind.
My mother's morning agenda consists of making a stop at our hut in the depths of the Landiani Jungle before separating permanently into two different directions. Taika and I will head directly north to Esterpool, while my mother and Kiana will take a separate path to Okchester where they will meet the ally accompanying Kiana the rest of the way. I feel comforted knowing we are not splitting up just yet, but I am all too aware that each footstep brings me one step closer to when I will have to say good-bye to my family unit.
Surprisingly, the journey into the jungle feels shorter today.We come to the caves all to quickly, and a few minutes after that, we arrive to the hut that I've called my second home for a number of years now.
"Don't get too comfortable," my mother says. Her back is turned towards us, unlocking the front door. "We'll part in a few minutes."
Kiana grabs something to eat once inside, but my stomach is still far too upset to be thinking about food. I pace around the inside of the hut as my mother talks with Taika, no doubt finalizing the remaining travel details. Kiana eyes me as I pace, but I don't expect her to comfort me. We already said our good-byes last evening. Since this morning, we've both been acting independently.
Finally, the sound of my mother clearing her throat quiets the room. "Well, ladies. Gather around," she instructs.
This is it. My mother's final words to me before I take off with Taika. I stand beside Kiana, wondering just what her departing words will be.
"You've both trained long and hard for this moment. By nightfall, you'll both be in Magnuvia. You've all memorized your backstories and the plan, I trust?"
Kiana and I both nod fervently. Memorizing logistics was a gruesome task, and it resulted in a number of fights between my mother and myself, but at last, all the details have been confirmed.
My mother appears satisfied with our response. Her lips curl into a smile. "Good, good. Fetia," she says. "I'll correspond with you through letters. Respond timely, or I will assume something has gone wrong. Expect the occasional visit as well. You'll do a good job, won't you?"
"Of course," I say. "Leave the princess to me."
"That's a good girl," my mother says, gently patting my shoulder. She turns to look at Kiana and me. "I assume you girls would like to say good-bye to each other."
I face Kiana and extend my arms to embrace her. When her arms wrap around my backside, I squeeze tightly, quietly asking her to stay safe. She reiterates the same to me. When I finally let go, I know that the mission has begun. I turn to look at Taika.
"Shall we?" he asks, looking toward the door.
I nod and briefly wave to my mother and sister. They agreed to stay behind a few more minutes to throw off any suspicion from soldiers that may be in the area, and I have no doubt that they'll need to go over the logistics of the plan one last time considering how complex Kiana's role will be.
"Good-bye," I say somberly.
As I exit the hut and step with Taika into the jungle, I am separated from my mother and sister for the first time in my life.