Aella (manxman) - ON HOLD - Chapter 35: Chapter 35

I was suddenly startled out of my slumber, gasping as cold water was spilled on my face. My sight was very blurry and my head pounded with a monstrous headache. I held my aching head with my hand and groaned. Then I forced my eyes to remain open and looked around me.
I was in an unfamiliar cave, it was narrower than the dens I came to know and it looked deep. My eyes wandered on the ceiling and then dropped to the center. There, close to the only passage available that I assumed was the entrance of the cave, there stood someone. I narrowed my eyes and my vision cleared enough for me to see Drita, walking away from where I was and sitting down to tend to a fire.
My head offered another spin and I squeezed my eyes shut. What happened...
Where am I?
I didn't know I had voiced that until she answered with a calm definitive voice.
"You're home."
I looked around me again, forcing my eyes to focus the best they could despite the whirling sensation. This isn't my home, I concluded again. I want to go home. Where are Ithel and Alev?
I turned to my right side and propped myself on my elbow. "I need to go to my father... He's waiting for me"
She didn't answer me. Just kept enticing the small flames to grow with a stick in her hand. She had one leg folded and the other one, half folded and supporting her right arm. She was sitting sideways, so I couldn't see all her face.
I sat up and as soon as the dizziness stopped, my mind cleared enough for me to remember what she did.
"Y-you strangled me?"
She remained completely silent once again. I wanted to ask how and why she dared to do such an evil thing, but the memory of the pain of her fingers wrapped around my throat made me swallow my confusion. My hand touched my neck and I winced as it hurt badly.
This was too awkward. I needed to go home... Ithel must be worried sick about me! It was quite dark so he must've already got back and found me gone. Was he looking for me? But where was I exactly??
I looked at the only visible way out and I plotted running towards it. Drita was too close, almost sitting between me and the exit. But I had to try. I want to return to Ithel!
"Do you remember the first time you started the red fire?"
The red fire? I was still young back then, living with the Aellas
"The Aellas found the smoke and the Leader was furious. Unlike Sosanbra, the Leader at the time didn't like your situation at all. You were almost ten. You were scolded heavily and punished with some chores. I was sent to the Aellos to apologize and relay that it was a child's mistake. I had to go all the way to their territory and wait for the Leader to show up, just so I could apologize. I came back tired and irritated. I was going to rest away from our main cave and away from the Aellas' commotion, and away from them you were... small and crying.
You were sitting on the edge of the southern cliff. Children should stay away from there, but you were sitting with your feet dangling and your fists rubbing your eyes. Do you remember?"
She peered at me and I thought hard. I remembered the way the flames grew dark and the fumes turned beautifully red, I remembered the scolding and the public humiliation that came with it, and then Halina and the way she defended and shielded me. But I couldn't remember every detail of what everyone said or did that day. I was too sad that my plan didn't work out after all the pain I went through to steal the powder.
I shook my head slightly and she looked into the fire again. "I approach you. I told you that you caused trouble and that I had to correct your mistake myself." She smiled wistfully and continued, "You looked at me, sniffling with tears all over your face and you breathed an apology. Your eyes, so expressive... I only took one look at your face and I knew you weren't regretting your mistake. So I asked if you were going to do it again, and what did you say?"
She turned to me and I mumbled, "Only until my father remembers me"
She nodded. "Only until my father remembers me... The next time you did it, I wasn't frustrated or bothered. I just put the fire out and went to the Aellos. When I got back, the Aellas were looking for you and Halina was busy calming them. I knew where you'd be. You hid in my den behind my things and none of them dared to go in there and search. I let you stay there until everyone got busy with dinner. I even gave you fruits that I had brought back with me from the forest."
"......... You helped me a lot"
"I did."
" I trusted you. Y-you were a good friend-"
"I was much more than that."
She tensed and her pensive features were replaced by anger. My eyes slipped past her towards the entrance, but when I looked back at her, she was glaring at me. She pulled herself up and walked closer. I went to stand but she towered over me, making me shrink back down. She dropped on one knee and I almost choke, remembering what happened the last time she did that.
My forearms rose protectively to my neck. This time, however, she didn't reach to strangle me, so I let my arms descend slowly, hesitantly, ready to move if she tried anything.
She narrowed her eyes at me, searching my face for a long moment.
"I did so much more for you. I was your protector. I fed you and took care of you when no one wanted you. I worked hard to train you, Ceri. I favored you and treated in a special way. I chose you! You were one of a kind... I've seen countless children and men, but none of them was as innocent and beautiful as you. You were so silent and obedient. The Aellas saw abomination and shame in you, but I saw far behind their veiled eyes. I saw you for who you really were." Her hand reached to push my hair back as she continued with a nostalgic tone, "A beautiful boy full of life, a boy who loved to play and feel useful. Your curiosity was delightful, but the most amazing thing about you was the way you accepted your punishments. I hated your pain, Ceri, but I loved your surrender. I taught you, and you learned. You're so... perfect"
Her hand slipped slowly from my hair to my chest. She pushed my clothes to reveal a part of my shoulder. Her thumb caressed the line of my collarbone and her eyes gazed at my skin. My fear rose steadily and in just a moment I was fully panicking inside. I couldn't think straight no matter how much I tried. But I remained frozen, unable to stop the few tears that escaped me.
"........ Drita... please... I-I need to go"
My voice wasn't higher than a whisper, a begging that she ignored as her other hand settled on my thigh.
"I hadn't known back then. I suspected nothing. But as you grew, I watched you become more delicate and alluring... Still, no one wanted you. Those idiots thought you were a threat, but the truth is, they were the threat to you. I even told you the truth about why the others treated you the way they did. I told you the truth about your mother and gave you the strength to deal with it. I chose to be honest with you, and you were honest by nature. They couldn't see your purity, only I saw it. I cherished it. And I shielded you, cared for you and told you many things about the world you were denied."
She leaned in slightly. She rested her other knee on the ground as well and joined her forehead to mine. "I waited so long for this day to come. It was on an Agape years ago that I foresaw this moment. I was with a strong, fearless Aello. Yet all I could think of even as we mated, was the lamb that was left alone on the mountain. You were around fourteen when I realized how much you meant to me. I yearned to be close to you in this manner. You were mine from the beginning. Sooner or later, I would fully have you. But you were so trusting and unmalicious... I decided to wait, because the last thing I'd ever want is to break you."
She started moving and I squeezed my eyes shut. She didn't hit me, though, she only kissed my forehead. Then she kissed it again, slower, and she whispered words in my ear that made shivers of fright creep up my spine.
"Now we can move forward. You are no longer a child-"
"No, I'm a child! I-I swear I'm still a child, everyone knows that"
She exhaled and grabbed my hair with her right hand. Her features relaxed, giving a hint to a tiny smile. So I took the chance to implore her.
"Please, Drita. I want to see my father... I really need him. Please?"
"Your father is gone."
I scowled in confusion, making her look me straight in the eye and repeat, calmly, as if it was the most common fact in the world.
"He's gone."
"... I don't understand, gone where?"
"What do you think he's been doing since you fought with him? You think he'd wait for you and cry himself to sleep hoping that you'd be back??"
I couldn't answer that. I knew he wouldn't cry, but certainly he'd think about me, right? Hopefully, worry a little?
I just gazed at her wide-eyed, unconvinced. Her hand tightened around my hair to assert her words as she spoke them.
"You were keeping him back. Now he's free to enjoy his life."
"......... H-...he went hunting. That must be it"
"He sailed to another island. Only the spirits know where he is and when he'll sail back, or if he ever will."
It actually took me a moment to begin to understand. I was denying her words so hard that my chest tightened and my breathing was getting difficult.
"No, that... that can't be true. Alev would never-"
"Alev is acting the way all Aellos do when they face an ungrateful child."
I gulped. Then I shook my head and my voice constricted, sounding weaker with the heavy doubt that now invaded me.
"He wouldn't... I......... I was about to ask for his forgiveness!"
"I told you before that this day would come. I told you to behave, do nothing and just wait for me. I even told you countless times that you shouldn't expect the others to be as forgiving as I am with you. But the truth is, you don't need him-"
"I-I'll t-talk to Cailyn! H-h-he kn-knows how to f-find everyo-one. Th-th-the Leader w-will f-find h-him" I couldn't talk properly anymore. The panic drove my breathing into a hectic pace and caused a familiar feeling of heaviness on my tongue. I could only stutter pathetically.
This can't be happening...
Why would Alev sail!! I am yet to apologize to him! Where did he go without me?
Am I fatherless again? NO!!!! I want a father! I want him in my life! I love him, I respect him, I NEED HIM!!
Please, Alev... Please, father, I'm so sorry...
"H-h-he'll remember me and c-come back. I can't... I-"
"It's over, Ceri. The sooner you accept this, the better. And once you do, you'll realize how safe and happy you are here" ... She went on talking, but I wasn't listening anymore. My mind was overwhelmed with my own thoughts that were twirling like a vicious storm.
This was a huge problem. I was becoming so desperate to see him! I needed to get out of here!!
With that resolution pressing more than ever, I regained some control over my breathing.
"I-I need to go back. I need to go! I'll talk to Cailyn, Cailyn would help! H-he'll help me find my father"
"Cailyn won't even bother. You won't see Alev again, Ceri. Just be obedient and-"
"ITHEL!! I'll ask Ithel! He'll help me, he'll tell me what to do! Ithel knows everyth-"
"LISTEN TO ME!!" she suddenly yelled in my face, her lips pulling back into a disgusted snarl. She grabbed my already aching neck and pushed me hard on the wall. I groaned in pain and tried to pry her hands away from me. She didn't appreciate my resistance. Her hand squeezed tighter on my throat and I dreaded the possibility of being choked again. And when I told her to let go, she pulled me so she could thrust me once more against the wall. This time I hit my head strong enough for a wave of dizziness to slow me down. That didn't even compel her to leave me alone because she bore her eyes into me furiously
"DO NOT SAY HIS NAME AGAIN! You think I'm not aware of your stupid little adventure with that pathetic Aello? You think I don't know about your damn plans?? If anything, you should blame him"
"D-Drita... my neck... h-hurts..."
"I was going to wait for the Agape, but he poisoned you with his sweet talk and you fell for it like an idiot!" It was getting difficult to draw a decent breath, but it was her next words that made me so scared that I instantly paled, "I heard you! Planning your Agape and life with him, like that was even possible. I saw you kissing him!!"
I suddenly hoped I was unconscious. Or better, dead.
How could she see us? When and how much did she know about Ithel and me?
Horrifying questions that I didn't want to know the answer to
"I thought you were just discovering a new world. Excited about your new life. I noticed he was way too close to you, but I thought once you were claimed by your father, you wouldn't need that wretched Aello. I even clearly ordered you to stay away from him!"
Her left hand grasped the curls on the top of my head tightly and shook me while she continued, "That day, I knew something was seriously wrong. You barely looked people in the eye before, and yet you glared straight into mine and you told me to stay away from you! You... didn't want to mate with me? you said it loud and clear! You didn't even look down, Ceri. I wasn't even troubled by your words that day. When your head gets lost I can fix that. I take the time to explain things to you or remind you of who you are. A few years ago when you said no to me just because I wanted to kiss you, I fixed you with a nice beating and you were back to your obedient self. But this time, your attitude stunned me. The way you... challenged me. You provoked so fury inside me that I didn't know what has gotten into you! For the first time, I didn't understand you. I knew a normal punishment wouldn't resolve the situation. I knew you were drifting away faster than I could ever imagine you would. So I left you alone. I watched you have fun with this new misplaced confidence of yours. I took my time to figure things out, but it was also a chance for you to come back. Sadly, you were too oblivious to realize that you were burning your last chance. And you know who pushed you to this? Who lured your innocence away and lead you to fight with your own father? It's the same damned Aello that you hugged while you slept."
I tried so hard to understand, but I failed miserably. All I got was that she didn't like me being close to Ithel. But my mistake with my father had nothing to do with Ithel. On the contrary, he always helped me understand my father's silence and his reactions. Ithel had always been nothing but kind and helpful.
And all that aside, I love him... I want to be with him... why is that so wrong?
"I-Ithel is a kind Aello-"
"DON'T say his name!! He's the reason why you won't see your father anymore!"
"H-h-h-he'll be back... h-he's just upset... but he'll m-miss me and..."
She shook her head slightly in disappointment, her voice settling down again to that dreadful calmness. "You still don't get it, Ceri."
My eyes watered. I didn't know if it was from the frustration of all the things I didn't get right now, or my hurting scalp from the tugging on my hair. My chest trembled with emotions that I tried to keep hidden.
My sorrow seemed to have softened her, even a little, because her left hand started caressing my hair again. Her voice dropped some of its threatening edge, but none of its resolution.
"You won't be seeing Aello Alev again even if he sailed back. That will be your punishment."
"Wh... what?...... that's..." impossible
"The most important thing you lost because of that vermin was my trust. I know you better than anyone, Ceri. I was going to let you get here at your own pace. But you lost your way. And you were drifting further away each day. I didn't trust you to do as promised in the Agape. He could easily make you refuse my claim to you. With both Leaders there, there might not be much that I could do. As soon as I realized that, I decided this was it. You had to come back to me sooner than later. This is your home, Ceri. You were going to realize that by choice, but you pushed me to take control of the situation, and now you'll stay here by force."
I felt like my mind was breaking. She was waiting for some kind of an answer from me, but I didn't even know what I could say.
"I... I need to find my father"
"You're not listening."
"I can't stay here!"
"You will."
I shook my head, still trying to make some sense out of this so I'd know what to do. Her right hand that was holding my neck retreated, just enough so she could tilt her head and look down at it. Her thumb touched me again and I winced from the immediate pain. I was certain she was touching a bruise because it was one of the places that hurt me the most.
She sighed, her eyes lingering on my neck as she breathed out, "Do you know how important you are to me, Ceri?"
Ithel...... help me...
"Do you?" she repeated, stronger this time, with an underlying threat in her voice. I nodded and successfully hid a whimper of fear. I was so tired and fed up with all of this. I offended Alev and I wanted to see him so much, I needed to apologize and have him tell me that I was still his son...
So I'll agree with Drita for now if it would help me get out of here.
I breathed and controlled my tears and emotions. Then I addressed her in a respectful way.
"Wh-when could I go see my father"
She glared at me, and I tacked on a hesitant "please?"
"Not before I can trust you again. It's your fault that things are moving faster than you can follow. But despite your mistakes, I'll take care of you and keep you safe. You're not allowed to step outside this den until I give you permission. If you defy me again, there will be serious consequences. I was too lenient with you so far, and I believe that was my fault, but no more."
She was talking like I was going to stay here with her. I didn't care about all her rules or what she was going to offer me. I only cared about leaving here so I could find the way to reach out to my dear father.
I bit my lower lip and forced a nod. "So... tomorrow? I-I just need to talk to Ith-" she immediately narrowed her eyes at me and I swallowed his name. Drita hated Ithel, that much I was sure of. That was so unreasonable for someone as amazing as him. But the last thing I wanted, was to argue about it. I decided to be more careful and wise. I'll do the safest thing and stop mentioning him, then I'll leave here and go straight to his den. I'll tell him my troubles and ask him what I should do. Ithel would definitely know what needs to be done
I swallowed and dropped my gaze, "I just need to talk to the Leader"
"It will take years before I can trust you again"
"YEARS!!!"
I'd never know where I got the mental and physical strength, but I pushed her hard enough to make her stumble back and almost lose her balance. She bored her eyes into me furiously with a look that promised death. But I didn't care about what she thought anymore.
"I'm not staying here, Drita! I'm going home!"
That seemed to bring her out of her short state of shock and she pointed to the ground with gritted teeth, "This is your home!"
"Repeating that won't make it mean anything to me!!! My father-"
"I will only let you step outside of here when I'm certain you're back to your old self. Even then, I'll need to make sure you wouldn't waver"
"I don't understand when you talk like that!"
"Stop disrespecting me!"
When I didn't answer, she continued, "For years I've had you under my wing and I molded you just the way I wanted you. Yet all it took was one month for you to betray me. Now I know better than to trust your innocence. I won't make the same mistake twice."
I lifted my hands in surrender, trying another strategy. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry if I hurt you Drita, I didn't know! All I wanted was to be free, like everyone else, and-and to LIVE!"
"You don't want freedom, you want safety. I will give you that, just like I did all those years. Now quit affronting me because the more you do, the more difficult your training will get."
My shoulders slumped at the way she wasn't backing down at all. "......... I w-will visit you, and I won't tell the Leader that you're outside your territory. I'll come visit you", and I attempted to be a little smart and get her to reveal something to me, so I added hesitantly with the hint of a question, "no matter where this place is?"
"It's a safe place away from all eyes. No one will bother us here. You don't need to know more. Now keep your mouth shut because the more you talk, the more you disappoint me. And if you don't obey and beg for my forgiveness, you'll regret it deeply."
I felt backed into a corner, and for the first time, tucking tail and submitting in hopes for her fury to pass on, was not an option. I was tired of the way she treated me. I was in so much trouble with my own father leaving me without a goodbye. I didn't even have time to be sad about it, I HAD to find him and convince him not to abandon me!
We kept glaring at each other. I realized I had never been in a situation like this one ever before, facing someone head on without fear wasn't like me at all. My instincts cried for me to back down and apologize, do everything to get into her good graces so she wouldn't punish me. But I knew that wouldn't help me out of here.
'You have the kindness of Aellas and the bravery of Aellos. That is why I love you'
Ithel's soothing words almost brought tears to my eyes. He always called me his Aella. He genuinely accepted my pride of having been part of the Aella clan. Never once had he used the reference to insult me or belittle me. Whenever I revealed the weakness inside me of being neither a real woman nor fully a man in the standards of our tribe, he'd rectify me, saying I was both and therefore stronger.
I closed my eyes. In my chest swirled so many emotions, most of them were fear and desperation. But I thought about my mate and what he would've said to me. What would Ithel do?
Exactly. I needed to act like Ithel. Brave, strong and dominant.
A part of me doubted I could do it, or if it would make any difference at all. But with the situation at hand, I felt reckless. I wanted to try feeling strong. I wanted to do what I've yearned for more than anything for a year now, be Ithel
I opened my eyes and glared wildly at Drita. I discarded all feelings and silenced my thoughts. Don't think, just do
My intention didn't get lost on her as she realized how far I was challenging her. She sneered and strode towards me, eyes foreseeing an upcoming punishment. For a split second, I wondered what had gotten into me to actually face an Aella hunter. Then I remember Ithel and Alev, the memory alone made me discard my fears again. Her sneer grew and she reached to grab my throat, but just before she clutched her hand around me, I ducked and pushed my left shoulder against her abdomen.
She grunted and stumbled back, regaining her balance instantly. She looked up at me in bewilderment, which I totally understood because I couldn't believe it myself. But this was what Ithel would do.
Before she could even retaliate, I sprinted at full speed towards the exit. I jumped over the weakening fire. But as soon as my feet touched the ground again, my clothes were pulled back so hard, I found myself thrown on my side right where I was.
I ignored my shoulder that ached from the fall and I stood up again, desperation starting to take control over my resolve. "I-I'm leaving! Let me go!!" I said as I started towards the exit once more
"The hell you are!"
She lunged at me, this time successfully gripping my left arm. "You've gone insane!!"
She sounded more sad than angry and that confused me. However, when she started talking again, saying "You will stay here! And you'll learn your place as my-"
I couldn't help but punch her.
...
I've given it all. All the strength of my mind and body. If luck was my friend, she would've crumbled to the ground unconscious, or at least fallen back giving me enough time to run and hide in the darkness of the forest, where Ithel would find me and guide me home...
But luck was a stranger to my fate, after all.
...... Always was, always will be