All is Found - Chapter 40: Chapter 40

Once we had everything we left for the red carpet. Alyssa and Nikki were both going to be with me as I walked the carpet. As we got out of our car, Nikki and I handed over our guitars to one of the stage hands for the show. We only made it down a few feet of the carpet before I started to roll up the sleeves of my shirt because it was actually hot out.
Walking the carpet was just as bad as I remember. All the photographers yelling for your attention and them getting mad when you don't give it to them. Then the interviewers for all the different networks and news outlets wanting. Alyssa forced me into some carpet interviews with a few of the bigger named outlets as we slowly made our way down the carpet.
By the time we made our way inside all I wanted to do is sit in front of a a/c vent to cool off. Nikki took her jacket off as we walked to the bar backstage. After downing a lot of ice water, Alyssa walked us over to a dressing room so we could touch up our makeup and sit down and cool off for a few minutes. Once we were all put together again a stage hand brought us over to our seats for the show.
Somehow we ended up getting to sit in the front row. Nikki actually got to introduce me to Ariana Grande as she was sitting in the seat next to me. During a commercial break of the show Ariana actually introduce us all to Lady Gaga and I think it made my whole year. I don't often get star struck but this one definitely had me reeling.
Finally the show came to the first award I was nominated for, Best Alternative. I'm up against The 1975, Lana Del Ray, Machine Gun Kelly, Twenty One Pilots and All Time Low. To say I'm in good company amongst the group is an understatement. I held my breath as we watched the video announcing all the nominees. Nikki grabbed my hand as the announcer opened the envelope and read out the name of the winner. Ash Monroe.
I could barely believe it. Nikki shook me and pulled me up from my seat before pulling me into a hug. Alyssa hugged me as well and pushed me up towards the stage. I was careful not to fall going up the stairs and took the moon person from the announcer before turning around to look at the crowd.
"This has been a roller-coaster of a year for me. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I could have won this award. I know that I have won VMAs before but this one means the most. At the beginning of this year I was in a really bad place, so bad I didn't want to live anymore. Slowly things have gotten better for me and I'm in a much better place now then before.
"I wrote this song for the fans when I was still with my old label. I played it for my brother and he loved it so much he wanted to leak the song because we knew that it would never see the light of day any other way. He recorded the outro and I never knew. While on tour I was going through old recordings on my laptop and I found it.
"The day I found it I was really missing home and hearing his voice brought me so much comfort. Asher knew this song would be loved by the fans. The fact that this award is voted on by the fans makes this mean even more to me. So this award is as much mine as it is yours.
"Thank you for your continued support while I start the next chapter in my career. Thea, Alyssa, Nikki, Britt, Diego, Asher, Ashley, Lindsey, Jack, Pat thank you all for keeping me sane and supporting all of my crazy decision making. I love you all more then you know. Thank you!" I said and turned away.
We were led back stage and I handed the award back to the stage hand. I manage to find a bathroom on the way back to my seat and I locked myself inside. I gripped the edge of the sink and took a few breaths to calm down. When I looked up I saw Asher and Ashley standing behind me.
"This is the ladies room." I said looked down at the sink.
"That doesn't apply to ghosts Ash." Asher said.
"Did you think you were going to win?" Ashley asked.
"No, I didn't think I had a chance. I think that I should have known something was up when they put me in the front row." I said and stood up straight.
"How are you doing?" Asher asked concerned.
"Better, but I still have room to improve. You guys know that I love to see you but I'm trying to move on. You're gone and it has taken me this long to realize by seeing you all the time whenever I wanted, isn't helping me move on." I said.
I haven't seen Asher or Ashley in months, since before going away to Europe. Going to therapy has helped and I'm starting to realize that this isn't all that healthy. I want to move onto the next part of my life but having them pop up every once in a while is doing more harm than good. Just when I'm coming to terms with the fact that they are gone, they are standing in front of me again.
I didn't want to look at them right now. I know they are probably disappointed with me wanting them gone and it's going to hurt when I stop seeing them. Finally I looked up again and saw them both smiling at me.
"We are really happy for you Ashlyn. Don't ever forget that. If there is ever a time when you really need us we will be there for you, but for now we will go." Ashley said.
"Continue writing your music Ash. The world is listening now and they want to hear more from you. Don't be afraid to write about anything you feel." Asher said.
"I'm sorry for pushing you both away." I said still feeling conflicted about everything.
"Don't be Ash, we have been waiting for this moment for a while now, it's okay." Ashley said.
Asher didn't say anything but intertwined his fingers with Ashleys and they walked towards me. They stopped right in front of me for a moment before they walked through me. I gasped as I felt a rush of cold air blast through me. They will always be with me.
I took a few moments to collect myself before I left the bathroom and made my way back to my seat. Nikki and Alyssa both asked where I was and I just told them I needed a moment in the bathroom. Ariana congratulated me and we fell into light conversation as we waiting for the show to come back from commercial.
The award show started up again and at the next commercial break, a stage hand came over to Nikki, Alyssa and I and pulled us back stage so we could get ready for our song. We would be performing when we came back from commercial. Alyssa watched from the side of the stage as stage hands prepped the stage. Since we were doing a stripped version of the song the stage design was simple, two stools, two mics, a lot of candles and red rose petals. We are out on a small circular stage that's on the floor while on the video boards behind us on the main stage they are going to be playing different parts of the music video.
Nikki and I got settled as Halsey came on stage to announce our performance. I watched as the last of the stage hands light some more candles and disappear as Halsey started speaking. I turned around and watched as Halsey spoke.
"Our next performer has spent the last couple of months opening for me on tour and I had the pleasure of watching her perform this song live. It is a favorite of mine and I'm so happy you guys get to hear this special version. Ladies and gentleman, Ash Monroe." Halsey said and flashed a smile to the camera.
I let a few seconds pass and watched as the camera focused back on me. Nikki counted us in and I started to strum my guitar. I kept my eyes closed during the opening of the song but opened them when I started to sing. The only thing that would make this moment better was if Thea was here with me.
As the chorus came around I looked over to Nikki and saw her sing the first line with me. She gave me a smile and returned the gesture. It helped me relax a bit and I looked out to the audience for the rest of the song. I put my heart into the song and started to think that maybe I should release some stripped versions of my songs.
When we finished the song the crowd was on their feet cheering us on. I stood from my stool and bowed a little and gave a wave. Just as I was about to hop off the stage Halsey appeared holding a moon person in her hand.
"Before we let you go Ash, this is for you. You won Best Video for Good for this song." Halsey said before handing me the award.
The crowd cheered a bit harder as I slipped my guitar around my back and stood from the stool. I looked back at Nikki and she was smiling like the joker and pulled me into a hug. When she let me go she took my guitar from me and pushed my back a little to stand in front of the microphone.
"Is this real?" I asked and looked around in shook. Somehow I found Alyssa in my eyeline and she nodded at me.
"I, wow. Never in a million years did I think I would ever win an award for a song for being openly gay. I also never thought that this would be possible. I thought I would be forever stuck in the closet. Finally getting to be out and open with my love feels like such a relief that I don't have to hide myself anymore."
I took a break in my speech for the crowd as they roared with applause. I wiped away a tear that managed to escape and a bead of sweat that started to slide down my forehead.
"My manager Alyssa, my guitarist Nikita and I shot this video ourselves while we were in Spain during the Madrid pride parade. We got to meet amazing people who just wanted to show that there love is valid. Along with them I also included some pictures and video of my own relationship.
"My girlfriend is back home working today and I just wanted to take a second to thank her for the inspiration to write this song. Themis, I love you more than I ever thought was possible. I thank god every day that we met that night on the bridge. I'm so incredibly lucky to get to call you mine.
"To everyone who is still in the closet, either by choice or you're just not ready to come to terms with your sexuality or can't come out because you are scared for your safety, just know that we see you and you aren't alone. Thank you." I said and took another little bow before turning to Halsey and giving her a hug as well. Before we left the stage I bent down and collected some rose petals and grabbed two candles. I wanted them to remind me of this night.
We were all led backstage and thankfully a dressing room. I needed a few moments to collect myself. Ashley talked with Nikki and Alyssa as I took my tie off, pulled my vest off along with unbuttoning a lot of buttons of my shirt. I'm still really hot and this definitely helped me cool off.
It took a few minutes but I finally calmed down enough to pick up the conversation between the other three women in the room. I joined in for a few minutes before I asked Alyssa if we needed to be here at the venue for anything else. When she said no I asked if we could head back to the hotel. She made the arrangements as Nikki helped me collect our stuff.
As we were leaving the dressing room one of the stage hands gave us back our guitars and another case that I found out contained my awards. I was surprised that we got them tonight. Usually in the past they were mailed home to me a few weeks later. Worh awards in hand, Alyssa led us to the waiting SUV that will take us back to the hotel. We loaded everything up and hopped inside.
"Can we make a stop first?" I asked as we pulled away from the Barclays Center.
"Where too?" The driver asked.
"Can we go to Jane's Carousel?" I asked thinking back to the day off I had in New York City with Thea.
"Sure thing." The driver said with a smile.
It only took us about a half an hour to get to there. The traffic right now is light and the driver knew the best spot to park on the street. I slipped my vest back on got out of the car. Nikki and Alyssa followed me lead and I opened the truck to grab the case the awards are in.
"We won't be too long, only about a half an hour." I said and shut the trunk.
"Where are we going?" Alyssa asked as I started to walk towards the waterfront.
"To take some pictures, come on." I said and continued walking.
Nikki was in step next to me while Alyssa lagged behind in her heals. It didn't take us long to get to the waterfront and I turned them around to check out the view. The sun was gone and the last bit of sunlight was disappearing as well. I walked around for a moment trying to get the best angle for the shot I wanted and then unlocked the case. I picked up both awards and placed them on top of the case.
Nikki and Alyssa both got some good pictures of me with both awards and the view of the Brooklyn Bridge and lower Manhattan behind me. I also wanted a few with Nikki and Alyssa in them. When I felt like we got what I was looking for, I packed the moon people back up and returned to the parked car.
On the car ride back to the hotel I picked out a few of the best pictures and posted them on instagram. Coming full circle. I almost jumped off a bridge to end my life at the beginning of the year. Now I'm here standing under the Brooklyn Bridge with two VMA awards. Starting the next chapter of my life and I hope you all jump on the train before I barrel through.