An Aimless War - Chapter 27: Chapter 27

The next day I felt well enough to do a bit of exploring. The building Tannix and the knights had taken over was a little larger than I had assumed, with a few different rooms. An old staircase led to what looked like a very fragile second floor. On the main floor, only my room was mostly intact. The other three only had walls, and hardly any remnants of a ceiling. One was the room the knights all slept in, a second smaller room was the one Lady Mayah had been given, and the third room was used for training.
I found Tannix leaning in the doorway to the third room, watching Joen and Evrik fight. Mandell and Acen were there as well, calling out advice. Tannix was quiet, watching them but clearly not really paying attention. He didn't notice me until I gently nudged him with my good arm.
"You should be sleeping," he said, without looking at me.
"I'm not tired," I said. "And I'm too busy thinking about how I'm going to steal this ship for you. I'm worried about things going wrong. You said Joen can sort of speak the language?"
He looked at me. "You don't have to steal the ship if you don't think you can. We'll figure something else out. I trust your judgement, if you're that worried."
"I'm not that worried." I tried to shrug, but the stiffness in my shoulder and the tight binding made it difficult. "I'm a thief, right? The greatest in Zianna. For you I would steal the moon."
The slightest hint of a smile appeared on his lips. "The moon?"
"If you asked me to."
Tannix smiled in earnest, but was also immediately distracted by a noise from the sparring men. "Wait, wait," he called loudly, stepping into the room. "Joen, Evrik keeps pulling the same trick on you. You're fighting with swords, but he still moves like an axeman. You're trying to follow the patterns Acen taught you, which you're executing very well, but in war people aren't necessarily going to use the same patterns. You need to be more flexible when you move, to be prepared for men like Evrik who don't quite fight like trained swordsmen."
Evrik narrowed his eyes. "If I can't fight with a sword, what am I doing in your personal guard?"
Tannix was obviously taken aback. "That isn't what I—"
"It was the axe throwing trick," Mandell interrupted.
"Shut it, Mandell. If you weren't so big, you wouldn't be in the guard either," Evrik said.
Despite the bickering, Tannix had turned back to Joen. Acen walked around the room to stand beside me with his arms crossed.
"Tempers are running a little short," he commented idly, leaning against the wall. "But it's nothing to worry about unless they draw weapons on each other. You know, Finn, the first time I got Tannix to let himself fall asleep, he insisted on lying right beside your mattress. So I sat there and watched both of you. You started talking."
I tore my gaze away from the other men to meet Acen's apprehensively. "I did?"
He nodded. "Loud enough that you woke up Tannix. But you weren't speaking Teltish, it sounded like Deoran. So maybe Old Ziannan? I didn't think anybody could speak it."
"We can't." I had an uncomfortable feeling I knew what I had been saying. "We have some traditional prayers that we still say in Old Zianna, but that's because we memorized the sounds."
He nodded again, more slowly. "Well... I ended up asking Joen about what you said. I remembered some of the words. Malan, for example."
I definitely knew what I had been saying. "Yes... that's a word."
"I know what it means," Acen continued. "Joen told me. I think you should tell Tannix."
He was right, but Tannix was busy. I nodded towards the trio in the middle of the room. "He's working with Joen."
"He's doing something," Acen agreed. "But he's much better fighter than he is a trainer. Tannix?" He pushed himself off of the wall and joined the group. "I'll set them straight. You should go spend some time with Finn."
"Thank you," Tannix replied. As he walked over to me, I realized that Evrik and Mandell were still arguing, and Joen was standing in the middle, confused. Tannix steered me from the room gently, back to what I was considering my room. "Goddess damned knights," he muttered under his breath. "We need to get them out of here before they actually turn on one another."
"Acen said we didn't have to worry." Since both of our right arms were bound in slings, I had to catch his left hand with my left hand, and walk backwards to lead him over to my mattress.
"We don't, I suppose. Not really." Tannix followed, and sat down beside me. "For the most part they've been fine. But being stuck in this little building is starting to get to them, and they're all terrified for my safety."
There was no comfortable way to lean against him. So instead I lay down, and rested my head on his lap.
He cocked an eyebrow as he watched me get settled. "Are you going to take a nap?"
"The knights are terrified for your safety," I repeated instead of answering him. "But how are you feeling?"
Tannix sighed. "I haven't really let myself think about that. I was worried about you at first. Now that you're awake, and it seems like you'll stay awake, my mind has started to..." he paused as I took his hand and intertwined our fingers. "... to wander."
"Wander where?" I prompted carefully.
His hand squeezed mine, and he stared across the room without really looking at anything. "I've killed thirty-seven people. The first was the assassin in Zianna. Then there were eight men when we were attacked in East Draulin. When we confronted Kalvahi in the prison, I killed eleven. And then, after you were shot, seventeen."
I didn't know what to do with that information. I didn't know what he needed to hear, or what I even thought about it. "You... did it to protect yourself, and your men. You didn't have a choice."
"But I had more of a choice than they did. I make the choices. I chose to drag my men, and you, into East Draulin. Those men I killed were just soldiers for the most part, doing what Kalvahi told them. They might have had families, wives or children... This war, it's between me and Kalvahi, Tandrin and King Deorun—it isn't between our men."
"You didn't ask for this war. And it isn't between you and Kalvahi, or Tandrin and the king. Because they started it, you didn't. You didn't do anything to provoke it. You can't blame yourself."
"Finn... that's a very simplistic way of looking at it."
"Maybe the way you're looking at it is too complicated." I held his hand to my lips so I could kiss his fingers.
He watched me. "Whichever way we look at it, it's still true that the people who are going to get hurt the most are the people who don't have a choice. I'd die to protect my knights, but they shouldn't have to die to protect me."
"They're all willing to die for you. They made that choice when they joined your guard." I thought back to everything Acen had said to me in our cell. "And it isn't only because you're their lord and it's their duty to protect you. It's because you're their brother."
"I know... I know, but I still don't want them to get hurt," Tannix said quietly. "Thank the Goddess Ender survived, but what if he hadn't? I would blame myself for his death forever, and Kor... I wouldn't be able to face him."
"I don't think he would blame you."
"That isn't the point."
"I know." I sat up as something occurred to me. Something we hadn't talked about yet. "Tannix, what Kassia said, about—"
"If I ever see her again, I'll kill her," Tannix said. "Without hesitation. Not just because of father. Also because she's the reason you were in jail all year. And because of the way she was touching you while they threatened to crush your hand."
There was no doubt in my mind that he meant every word of it, but there was something else he needed to know. "I hate her, too. But I think she saved Mayah's life."
He stared at me.
"I know. It doesn't make sense. But she definitely drew my attention to that archer on purpose. I don't know what that means. I just think it's something we should keep in mind." That was all I had to say, and we really didn't need to be thinking about her. So I deliberately changed the subject to what I should have been talking about in the first place. "Acen told me that I talked in my sleep. I said malan, didn't I?"
"Something like that," he replied distractedly, looking down at our clasped hands.
"It's Old Ziannan," I said. The truth of what I had said made me nervous, although I wasn't quite sure why. It wasn't as if the feelings weren't real. I altered the truth a bit. "The word I said... the sentence I said is an old phrase. I'm sure it's more poetic in Old Zianna, but roughly translated I guess it would mean something like 'I pledge myself to you, my unwavering obedience and undying love are yours forevermore'. The word Acen picked out, malan, means love. I know I was asleep, but... I meant it, Tannix. Every word."
He looked up. His eyes were still beautiful, even surrounded by ugly bruising. "Is that really what it meant?"
"Would I ever lie to you?"
He huffed a laugh. "No. Never."
"I sense a little sarcasm."
He laughed for real, then leaned closer and kissed me. "My unwavering obedience and undying love are yours forevermore, as well. Now, you really should try to get some rest. Tomorrow we need to start planning our ship theft."
"Will you stay with me?" He looked at tired as I felt, but I knew he would never admit it.
"I... yes. All right," he agreed, with an almost shy smile. "I guess the knights have all figured it out by now. And Mayah... well, that's a conversation I'll have to deal with later."
Slowly and carefully, he lay down. I pressed against his side as snugly as I could without hurting either of us. It was hard to get comfortable, but I felt safe, and it wasn't long before sleep took over.