An Unheard Voice - Chapter 34: Chapter 34

"What is your relationship with that piece of crap?"
Did he.. see me kiss Akito..? Is that why he's asking? I mean.. he was going to find out eventually. But this is too soon! I figured he wouldn't be too thrilled about it.
Piece of crap..? He's anything but that. He can't.. say that about him. Even if he's my father.
"I.. uh, we.. w-we're dating." I look away, trying to calm down. I'm scared to death.
He looks even more angry now.
"To think that you would become like this. Unbelievable! You are more of a disgrace than I thought. There's no way in hell any son of mine will turn out this way."
How can he say that? Does he just.. really despise me this much? It's not like I didn't expect this kind of reaction.
"And him! How could you even be attracted to him when you know the kind of person he is!" He yells, rambling. He's never looked this angry before. Am I really the problem?
"Harumichi, that's enough!" My mother cries, and he grits his teeth.
"Shut it! Why keep this from him? I've put up with this for far too long. You must know what he's done, right? If not, let me inform you that he had been suspended from school in the past for attacking multiple students, yet you still stick around him. You shouldn't go befriending people like that! You need to do better, Toya."
Akito..? But he wouldn't. He.. he's not like that. If anyone knows, it's me. Right..?
"Answer me, are you insane? How has everything come to this? You're both men, that's absolutely.. repulsive!" He shouts, stepping closer to me. My eyes are watering.
"You.. h-have no right to judge our relationship!" I finally break my silence, shouting back at him as tears roll down my cheeks. My sobs won't stop me from getting my point across.
"Why.. do you treat me.. like this?! A-And not only because of that..! E-Everything I've done was so.. I could better myself t-to live up to your expectations..!"
"You don't raise you voice at me! That's ridiculous! Do hear yourself right now?! You've doing nothing but stray further and further away from them because you want to act on your own."
He's right.. why am I shouting at my own father? Why am I like this..?
"A-As you said, we're both men! I love him, and.. t-that's all that matters! A-And I don't want you talking bad about hi--"
Before I can even finish, he slaps me and shortly after cheek starts to sting. It hurts. And not only my face. I raise my shaky hand to touch it, staring at him in shock.
"You think that he actually loves you? He's just manipulating you. Everything he's done for you was an act out of pity. You're helpless. A lost cause, even. If you want me to be proud of you, you have to stop being so selfish." He quickly regains his composure, frowning.
"Listen, Toya. If you don't do something about this, I will. And it will start with the cafè those lowlives do nothing but waste their time at. It must be very dear to that ruffian." He scowls before turning around and then storming to his room.
What.. does that mean? He couldn't possibly do anything to the weekend garage. He wouldn't..!
"Toya! Toya, are you okay?" My mother puts her palms on my face, already bawling.
"I'm so sorry, Toya! I thought you weren't going to be home this soon.. No, please don't cry!" She sobs, wiping my tears. I really messed up. The tears won't stop.
"Why did I let him talk to you like that..?! I don't know what happened, I just.. got so scared..! Please forgive me!" She hiccups, kissing my forehead.
"Toya.. you don't have to do anything crazy. Don't listen to him! But.. I also don't want anything to happen to you. I never thought he would slap you..!"
But he did say my mother asked him to tolerate my behavior even though he didn't want to.
"Please.. whatever you do, don't blame yourself. Not even one bit. I love you." Continuing to hold me, she cries even harder than me.
If only I was able to live up to my father's expectations.
I hear people whispering as I walk by, but I pay no mind to it. I wonder what's up with that, though?
I really let down my father, didn't I? I'm not sure it can be helped at this point. Should I be grateful for him telling me all of that..? For finally telling me how he truly feels?
I wanted to get to school after Akito usually does. He sent me a text.. I made an excuse. I want to see him, but something's stopping me.
"Good morning everyone~!" An hums, opening the door shortly after I sit down and walks up to me.
"Huh? Why are you so gloomy, Toya?" She smiles, getting close to me. Gloomy..?
I shake my head, looking away. I don't want to tell her about it. But am I making it too obvious?
"Maybe I'm just.. tired." I sigh, putting my notebook down. Speaking of notebooks, I had to buy a few new ones since I kept using them all.. well, that's no surprise.
I can't believe I was ever delusional enough to think I finally got comfortable with speaking. My therapist must be very disappointed as well...
I still have the very first one Akito gave me. I didn't use it often, since I wanted to treasure it. I don't know why this is the one I'm using.
It's almost out of pages.
"Aw. That's alright, do you want to eat on the rooftop with everyone? It's a really nice day outside! It's sure to cheer you right up!" An giggles. I nod, still staring at the ground. She remains silent before sighing and fixing my hair. It's amazing how she can look forward to every day considering her past.
"It's okay. We're here for you."
"Thank you."
Running out of pages, huh..?
Why did it have to come to this? I'm tired. If.. only I wasn't the way I am. An is right, though. It is nice today.
I keep thinking about what he said before. The weekend garage..? Akito loves that place. Ken, An, Azusawa... everyone there does.
I can't be the reason for anything happening to the cafè. How would they all think of me if they find out..?
Especially since they seemed so happy now that I was dating Akito. Everyone did.. am I really letting them all down..? That's probably the one thing I'm good at.
I obviously don't want that. Everyone would definitely hate me. And the worst part is,, maybe even Akito... Why is that place involved..? Is it because I've been starting to go there with Akito?
"I told you to get away! You don't have to steal everyone's food all the time! Toya was being generous enough to give you some of his!" Akito hisses, moving away from An. They've been chasing eachother around for a few minutes.
Kusanagi taps my shoulder, and I turn to her.
"Toya, are you okay? Something about you seems.. off today." She frowns, mumbling. Did she really notice, too? I have to stop sulking.
"I'm not really hungry. I'm okay, however."
"Are you sure? If you need to talk about anything, we're here for y--"
"I-I said.. I'm okay." I accidentally snap, and then cover my mouth.
"I'm.. I'm sorry." I apologize, staring at the ground.
"Don't be. Maybe you're just having a bad day. Don't worry, tomorrow will be better." Kusanagi smiles. I nod, looking away. I.. I'm not sure.
Akiyama whistles, giving me some of their food. Seriously..?
"I know you're hungry! You gave An too much. She's like a stray cat. You feed her once and she's going to bother you for the rest of the school year. It's tasty, just try some!"
There's no use in arguing with Akiyama about these things.
"Toya! Tell your boyfriend to let me go!" An cries as Akito attempts to throw her down the stairs.
I stare at my food instead, picking at it. I don't usually skip meals, but.. for some reason I don't have an appetite.
Kusanagi and Akiyama share a glance for a moment before looking back at me. I heard Momoi caught a cold, so that's why she's not here.
It's not like she'd want to see me, anyway.
"You.. know you can talk to us when something is bothering you, right?" Akiyama nervously laughs, ruffling my hair. I nod, looking away.
Why do you keep worrying about me..? It's not like I deserve it. They're probably pitying me. Maybe I'm really just not worthy of being their friend...
"A-Anyway, did you guys know that Rui and Tsukasa-senpai are in the same class this year..? He told me and oh my gosh, they're exactly like those weird couples. I don't know if I was half asleep or not, but I swear I heard Rui call him 'my popeyes biscuit with no drink'." They cackle as Kusanagi cringes.
"Why is he like this..? It's so embarrassing to be seen with them." Kusanagi groans, covering her face with her hands.
I'm going to stop listening there. It's not polite to talk about someone behind their back. Especially Tsukasa... He gets really embarrassed whenever we bring up Kamishiro. They're really in love, aren't they?
Speaking about him, I'm sure.. if I asked Tsukasa about this he'd give me good advice. He always does. He'd say something like 'do what you feel is best'.
And I know what I have to do to prevent this. But I hate it so much.
My father won't do anything to Akito. I have to do what's right. If he continues to stay by my side.. it'll only get him into trouble. As much as I hate saying that, it's true. I really failed to be a good partner for him, didn't I?
"Shit, what-- Toya, are you okay?!" Kusanagi shrieks, wiping my eyes with her sleeve.
I'm.. still crying?
"I knew something was wrong!" An says, pushing Akito closer to me. He looks at me for a second and then hugs me.
"Do you think you're going to be okay today..?" He whispers with worried expression. I shake my head. To think that they would see me in this vulnerable state...
"Come on, let's get you to the--" He attempts to lift me up, but I stay with him on the floor.
I want him to hold me longer. I don't want to go anywhere. Not yet... He sighs, squeezing me.
"Uh.. let's go to my classroom, okay? Bye, you guys. Come back to us once you feel better, Toya!" Akiyama pats my head, opening the door. The other two follow, so it's just me and Akito now.
"It's okay. You have some time to let it out.. I'm sure you'll feel better after this." Akito reassures me.
I won't feel better. In fact, I feel even more crappy now that you're holding me. Why do you do this to me..?
I pull away from him a bit, planting a kiss on his lips for a second despite crying uncontrollably.
I hate this.
I'm doing this for my father. I can't disobey him anymore. Even if he wants me to suffer.. I have to forgive him. He only wants the best for me, right..?
"I'll be back, okay? Just.. wait for me." Akito puts his bag down, ruffling my hair before running off. I'm not sure why he's rushing.
"I'll see you next week, Toya." Kusanagi hugs me, waving. Akiyama and An do the same, but they all look really worried.
I want to apologize for everything.
I wasn't the person they expected me to be.
As I see Akito approach, my heart starts to race. But it's not in the way it usually does around him.. it's different this time. It makes me feel like crying.
"I'm back. Are you ready to go?" He asks, but I continue to stand there without replying. He stares at me for a moment, tilting his head.
"Toya?-"
"Akito." I clench my fists, looking straight into his eyes, ignoring that my voice is shaking.
"Akito, I-I'm sorry. I.. I want to.. break up with you. P-Please.. don't ask why. I'm.. able to walk home by myself today." I say, speaking loud enough for him to hear me.
I don't want this. I'm not ready for this. But it's not like I have a choice, do I..?
".. What?" He asks, surprised. Was I not clear enough? Please don't make me say it again.
"T-That's all I wanted to say. Have a.. good afternoon."
I avoid looking at him, picking up my bag and walking away. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't care. In fact, I'd prefer it that way.
"Toya!" He calls out, grabbing my hand. What..? Don't make this more difficult than it already is.
"Toya. What's wrong? Why are you saying this.. so suddenly? I know something's going on. And you're not.. one to joke around." His voice cracks, trying to get me to face him. I move my head away before he touches me.
"P-Please.. let go of my hand."
"Did I do something wrong..? Please tell me if I did. It won't happen again."
You didn't do anything. I don't want you to blame yourself for this. I shake my head, trying to stop my lip from quivering.
I don't mind if he hates me. Even if he doesn't love me as much as I love him.. there's not a single thing I wouldn't do to protect him.
"Is this because of what happened yesterday..? You don't actually mean what you're saying, do you? Look, I.. I don't know what's going on, but let me be there for you. At least as friends again." His voice trembles, clearly holding back tears. I want to hug him and tell him everything will be alright.
"I didn't have a problem with that before. When I held back my feelings for you. Just because we're breaking up doesn't necessarily mean this whole relationship has to fall apart..! Even if my feelings for you don't go away.. So please, Toya.. Don't leave me..." He whispers, squeezing my hand.
I'm doing this for you. I don't want you involved with me anymore. Why won't you accept this? It's not like this would've worked out. Maybe we were doomed from the start...
"I-I'm sure we both saw this coming. I'm.. acting o-on my own accord. Actually I.. I just need to s-space. Goodbye, Akito." I take my hand away, leaving without looking back.
Why did I tell him that? What a load of crap! Of course I don't mean what I'm saying! Why can't I do anything right?! I'm probably just getting his hopes up for nothing...
Please accept this. I just don't want you to care about me anymore. I have to keep you away from me. I have to.. isolate myself. But I really hope you know that whatever happens..
I'll always.. love you.