Bird of a Nest - Chapter 20: Chapter 20

"It wasn't that bad," Ryraso grumbled, sitting on the cushions lying not to give in to the urge to lay down and hide his face.
Pol'ar hummed not quite believing him. "You bit though your lip while having a nightmare and punched a wall enough times to break your wrist," Pol'ar said bluntly. "Even if you were qualified in mind healing, which you are not," he said sharply, as Ryraso looked at him, "You would not be allowed to heal yourself. The mind is tricky and while there are steps you can take on your own, you need someone to help you through."
"And you think getting the person in control of my professional life and my son's to make the assessment is the best way to fix this?" Ryraso asked darkly. As far as he was aware, he hadn't broken any rules. Pushed a few regarding apprentices but nothing that would result in him losing his pass. On the other hand, a mental break would be a reason to suspend him until he was on stable ground. Ryraso didn't want that. He couldn't do want Nel'os did. He needed a job and a reason to wake up in the morning. One of the few glimmers of hope Ryraso had at the moment was waiting to be given a clinic placement.
"I'm the Royal Physician," Pol'ar said firmly. "I am the one who will do it. I acknowledge it's not ideal but Ry, I'm one of the few people who know their secrets. Do you really want more people to learn."
"Great," Ryraso exhaled unhappily, finally giving in to the urge and flopping onto the cushions. "Their secrets or my sanity. Lovely," he muttered, grabbing a cushion and gripping it tightly. His entire body was tense and there was no denying he was unhappy at the moment. He wanted to punch something again. Or possibly cry. Neither was a viable option.
"Ry," Pol'ar said gently. Ryraso said nothing, just holding the cushion and looking blindly ahead. A hand rested on his knee and squeezed gently. "Ryraso," he repeated more firmly.
Slowly Ryraso sat up, still holding the cushion. "Who am I talking to right now?" he asked seriously. "The person I can trust or the person I can't?"
"You can trust me. But I can't let dangers to the healing circle's reputation go overlooked Ryraso. Your son was, possibly is, having doubts. I can't let him go forward. You let him learn too young," Pol'ar scolded, knowing exactly what Ryraso was referring to. "I understand were other factors. There must have been. It doesn't change the fact this path is one that can not be doubted or shifted."
"Eyeri said it after being uprooted from everything he knows and trusts," Ryraso defended angrily. "Immediately after he was terrified I was going to disown him or leave him alone. He was beyond scared at the brand. Even with that gone, he had barely had time to recover before you're threatening that everything that he had worked for could be for nothing.  I'm supposed to be protecting him and so far all I've managed to do is get him captured, kidnapped and possibly have the one thing he had found sanctuary in revoked."
Pol'ar smiled sadly. "Eyeri has had a bad hand," he acknowledged. "He is a good worker but I still worry he came to this far too early and with far few options. Eyeri is now safe, he even has his oldest brother with him. So ignoring the judgement I will be bestowing onto the boy, what are you worried about regarding them?"
Ryraso glared at Pol'ar but exhaled. "He still has three brothers who are in the war and who could die at any moment," Ryraso commented darkly, looking at his hands. "Fetmar ended up safe by chance and bad luck on his part. His brothers are not. Oira is only two years older than Eyeri. Makio and Kanan are in dangerous jobs. We have no way of finding out if something bad happens to them."
"Not only them," Pol'ar said idly. "You have your own brothers, if only by kin and not blood, do you not?"
"Isst, sure. Feels weird calling Wiljam that given I've had regular sex with him," Ryraso murmured tiredly. "They're big boys. Isst is Inai's bodyguard. He won't go down so easy. Wiljam is," Ryraso paused, blinking. "Wiljam is inventive," he smiled sadly. "He'll get himself kill by doing something stupid but normal dangers won't affect him."
"Wiljam who in your nightmare stabbed you," Pol'ar clarified.
"Cai'ress didn't have wings and Inai did?" Ryraso said, trying to distract the man from that little detail. Pol'ar just looked at him expectantly. Ryraso exhaled. "Yes. Wiljam stabbed him in the nightmare. I get it. I feel guilty that I lead him on. I feel guilty that Tai'ray was ready to accept anyone I had fallen in love with and he won't look at anyone Nel'os does. I feel ashamed at the fact that I regret pushing Wiljam away instead of telling him and letting him decide for himself."
"So you did love him," Pol'ar asked softly.
Ryraso said nothing just looking at his hands. That was the question, wasn't it? Had he loved Wiljam? Enough to pull him into this? "If Wiljam is killed, I will hunt the person who killed him down and tear them to pieces," Ryraso murmured, his voice oddly cold. "If anyone hurts that man, I will make them pay. But I won't inflict this on him," Ryraso started lifting his arm to show the now healed symbol of the goddess.  "I've already done it to Eyeri and Fetmar. Arguably Zaro too. No more."
"If you think that is best," Pol'ar allowed. "But you cannot allow yourself to feel guilty about Tai'ray's feelings and actions. Nor should you feel shame for wanting something selfish. Tai'ray is the one being selfish, after all. In both regards of making you his mate without your consent and the fact he rejected Cai'ress."
"Zaro says I can't worry about everyone. Yet. All I can think about at the moment is Aw'endo is struggling to make friends and one of the few he had was removed from the court. Eyeri is stressed and doesn't even have a chance to do so because he's under examination. Zaro is getting set up to be known as a homewrecker. Fetmar is feeling lost. Nel'os is missing Cai'ress and can't talk to anyone about it because Tai'ray gets angry at the mention of him. Not to mention he fixating on Ang'as and his problems. Dyn'ad is trying to look after us all and I'm only making things worse. Who knows about everyone else I've been friends with and responsible for over the past four years. And Cai'ress." Ryraso rambled before panting and closing his eyes, gripping the cushion so tightly he was vaguely surprised it hadn't burst. "I'm scared to ask someone to check on the man. I'm scared that the dream was more."
Pol'ar nodded and stood up. He walked to the side and poured some tea as Ryraso breathed deeply. He realised his eyes were wet and tears were rolling down his face. He hid his face in the cushion and shook. Ryraso had avoided acknowledging that fear. That the dream was a foretelling that he was going to get Inai cursed with wings and Cai'ress was going to lose his wings because of him.
"Here," Pol'ar murmured. Ryraso looked up and saw the man holding a cup of tea. Ryraso released the cushion and accepted it. The cup hot in his hands. Pol'ar rubbed his back and sat next to him. For a few moments, they sat there as Ryraso calmed down again. "So. You mentioned a lot of people there and young Zaro is right. You can't worry about everyone. So what are you worried about for yourself?" Pol'ar asked gently.
"I don't know. The Goddess seems to want something from me. The others have made it clear they aren't going to force anything sooner than what I am comfortable with. I am safe. As far as I'm aware, I have not done anything to endanger being a healer. I am fine," Ryraso said numbly.
"You feel guilty about that," Pol'ar guessed. Ryraso didn't look at him. "Ryraso, you are a fine healer and I have no intention of stopping you from healing. Even if your son does not pass, you trained him well. I have no doubt in your abilities. I do think you should have a break from it until you have the ground under your feet again, so to speak."
"I want to heal. I want to do something more than sit around and worry. And listen to Ton'eath preach," Ryraso added with a grimace.
"I imagine that's no fun. The brat has yet to learn half the skills of his predecessor," Pol'ar said dryly. "If you want, I can get you a consulting position for now. Something to do, if nothing else but not a job."
"Please," Ryraso almost begged.
"Ok. I'll do my best," Pol'ar promised gently. His hand rubbing Ryraso's shoulder. "As for the rest. Most of that will involve watching things unfold. Talk to Captain Par'nest. See if he will send someone to go check on Cai'ress for your own peace of mind. I'm sure he is fine. The man had a good head on his shoulders and a good heart. Nel'os and Dyn'ad were wrong to lead him on for so long. Dyn'ad was right to let Tai'ray say no."
"I agree," Ryraso nodded sadly.
"I want you to come back in a few days or if another big development unfolds. You need some support Ryraso. I'm reluctant to give you herbs at the moment but we will see. For now. Try to take five minutes of your day to not think about everyone else. You need to let yourself be a little selfish for once. I'll see if there is anything I can do about news from the war front. I have a few contacts," Pol'ar promised. "Not sure if they can help, but maybe."