Bird of a Nest - Chapter 44: Chapter 44

The surgery was successful. Nel'os sat at the window watching Cai'ress sleep, now completely wingless. Everything had been removed, the nub and the bones. It was all gone. Leaving two distinct scars, or rather wounds that would become scars, on his back. For the moment, Cai'ress' torso was bound in white bandages which seemed to almost glow in the low lighting of the room. The blanket had slid down to the small of his back making the lack of wings even more apparent somehow. The other marks littering Cai'ress stood out more now too. Nel'os curled tighter.
It was dark. The surgery had been a long one. Beyond just the wings themselves, there had been complications. The healing had healed the physical injuries but the drugs the bastards had been pumping into Cai'ress' system to make him compliant had caused some problems. They had also been the reason Cai'ress had never truly gone under despite the amount of anaesthetic the healers had used. None of them had thought it would be something like that.
Nel'os dearly wanted to storm down to where Oh'mat was being kept and tear him apart. It was only by threads that he was staying still. Oh'mat would remind him of his own faults in this. Nel'os curled slightly as the wind blew around him.
He couldn't avoid his mates forever. He also couldn't move right now. Ryraso deserved a night of peace with the others without someone to argue with him. Someone had to be the one to watch Cai'ress. Or at least that was the excuse to he was giving himself for hiding the man's room. It wasn't like he had told them after all. Honestly, he assumed they would think he was with Ang'as and leave him be. Ang'as would assume he was with his mates. Everyone was happy knowing he was with someone and he had a night of emotional turmoil as he was watched his former lover rest and heal.
"I wonder if you could even guess why I didn't come looking for you, Cai?" Nel'os mused, unfolding and shifting to the bed. "I should have. The reasons weren't good enough. Or were they?" he wondered, a hand resting on the small of Cai'ress back under where the bandages stopped.
There was no answer. Cai'ress didn't stir, too far gone at the moment to know anything at all. Nel'os's fingers roamed, hovering over the skin. "We all have our secrets. Those skeletons in the closet that mean we have to hold back sometimes. You paid a rather steep one for ours." He let his fingers run over Cai'ress' hair before pulling the blanket up and tucking it in better than whoever had done so before. "Still doesn't stop my desire to have you far away from here. That sight you gave me, covered in Ryraso's blood, holding a knife..." Nel'os exhaled sharply, the feeling surging faster than he could control. "I need to talk to you. I can't be like the others, not about you. They can assume all they want you are not a threat but I'm the one who brought you into this. I can't," Nel'os turned away again. "I can't risk you turning on us."
Nel'os used to think humans were strange for being able to both love and hate someone at the same time but this was something was else. Despite his instincts to send Cai'ress far away, the sight of him so brutalised and scarred had his heart demanding they keep him here. Luckily for him, his mates had already fought that battle. He couldn't be claimed to be protecting his lover from justice. His mates had taken that from him.
"Mind you, I've seen what these types of things do to people. The war has made it very clear that even the most kind-hearted person can be turned into a killing machine if the right buttons are pressed. For all I know, you'll wake up and hate us all. I find it hard to believe you'll love us. We left you there," Nel'os closed his eyes, and let out a broken chuckle. "I left you there."
There was a moment of silence again. Nel'os aware of the silence, his thoughts not thinking as he sat with his chest tight and heavy. "I keep reliving that moment. For the first few days, it was of Ryraso dying. Tonight, it was of you. Somehow it got twisted and I was holding you not Ryraso." Nel'os bowed his head down, resting his hands on the back of his neck. "I can't go back. I can't fight harder to get Tai'ray to check on you. I can't break past the fear that I'll damage my relationship with him again over falling in love with someone he does not want. I can't go back and bring you with Ryraso. I can't do anything to fix this."
Teardrops fell on the ground as Nel'os felt a wave wash over him. He pulled his mental blocks uptight. He didn't want the others to feel this. He barely was letting them in at all at the moment and he was going to have to face up to it soon. "I can't go back and stop myself from courting you. I can't go back and not fall for you. I can't stop feeling like I want to kill you myself and protect you at the same fucking time. I can't..."
A sob of laughter ripped from Nel'os chest and he tightened his wings around him. Cai'ress still sound asleep and blissfully unaware of his wings gone, of the person breaking down next to him. Who even was Nel'os to Cai'ress anymore? His former lover who had put him in the worse situation possible for the k'nairi, wingless? Did Nel'os even have the right to feel like this?
After a few moments, Nel'os managed to fight back his emotions and turned to look at Cai'ress' unconscious body again. "I can't fix what has happened. And until I know for certain that you weren't intending to kill Ryraso, I can't forgive you. I can't even work out how to feel about you. But I'll make you one promise, I'll defend you as fiercely as I do Ang'as from anyone who dares try to touch you without your permission after this. I'll rip their hearts out. Even if this," he gestured between the two of them, "It too broken to repair, I'll be your shield."
Even if Nel'os could let go of the need to punish Cai'ress for almost killing Ryraso, the fact was, there was a lot on the other side too. Nel'os had put Cai'ress in a dangerous situation and allowed it to get worse, and worse until there was nothing worse that could have reasonably happened. If Cai'ress never wanted to see Nel'os again, Nel'os would understand it. If Cai'ress wanted nothing to do with the Royals again, Nel'os would do everything he could to get Ryraso to let go of the idea of looking after him. If Cai'ress wanted to stay, wanted to fix things... Nel'os would try to deal with the poisonous goo of dark feelings bubbling in his chest.
Nel'os rubbed his neck, unable to make the ache there disappear. He closed his eyes and let out a silent prayer to the Goddess. The bed shifted next to him as Dyn'ad sat down next to him, a wing surrounding him and pulling him close. His scent surrounded Nel'os and he let himself lean on his mate. A kiss was pressed to his head as hands cupped his face and wiped away tears.
"You're ok," Dyn'ad promised, his voice low to match the mood of the room. "Everything is going to be ok."
The words soothed something inside of Nel'os. A sore, bleeding mess of his heart that believed honestly that if Dyn'ad said it would be ok, it would be. A fresh set of tears rolled down his face and he let out a sob. He turned and hugged Dyn'ad whole heartened, every inch of his body pressed against his strong mate as he wept. Dyn'ad held him and stroked his back as he shook. Eventually, he calmed down, a gentle song floating through the room.
Dyn'ad turned Nel'os to look at him. Reassuring eyes looked deep into his. The wave of emotions almost made him cry again. "Come on, my love. Time to go to the rooms," Dyn'ad pressed a gentle but loving kiss to his lips.
"But Ryraso..."
"Is there. Like he is supposed to be, like you are supposed to be," Dyn'ad nuzzled him, kissing his forehead and he held Nel'os closer. "Come on. We are sleeping with the boys tonight."
Nel'os tensed up. He wouldn't admit it but Fetmar's words had affected him. It was clear Fetmar wanted nothing to do with them. Dyn'ad and Tai'ray were better at barging past people who disagreed with them. Nel'os could but only by upsetting the person he was going against. He was already the one who had the worst relationship with Fetmar as it was. "I'm not sure that's any better."
"Nel," Dyn'ad jostled him slightly. "You need to talk to Aw'endo. He is our son. You need to see the boys before they worry you don't care about them."
The flinch was involuntary but Nel'os knew Dyn'ad wasn't wrong. He hadn't seen the boys since before all this had happened. Well, the first night he had held on to them tight as Ryraso slept next to them. "I doubt Aw'en wants to deal with me right now."
"He spent the day playing cards and doing his homework. He's not fixed or better but he's coping. You're the adult here Nel. You need to put him first. He loves you. Ryraso loves you. Tai and I love you. So no more hiding away. Not tonight," Dyn'ad offered his hand.
Nel'os looked over his shoulder at Cai'ress and slumped, he took Dyn'ad hand and transported them to the communal room. The area was already set up for sleep, the blankets spread wide with most of the people lounging on the pillows in various states of undressed chatting softly.  Ryraso was dozing on Tai'ray's chest with Aw'endo's wings resting on him as he laying legs swinging as he chatted to Fetmar. Eyeri was missing from the room, but the door to his room was open. He was likely getting ready himself.
Eyes all turned to him and Nel'os attempted to make a getaway, losing the nerve to do this almost instantaneously. Dyn'ad grabbed his wrist and kissed his cheek.  There was a look in the man's eyes that had Nel'os wings lowering in submission. "Still need to go change into sleeping clothes," Nel'os muttered. Dyn'ad pecked his nose and lifted an eyebrow. His mate knew him far too well to fall for that excuse.
"Nel'os," Eyeri's voice came, the boy appearing at his elbow with a smile on his face. "You're staying with us tonight?"
"Yes," Dyn'ad intoned, eyes not leaving Nel'os'.
Nel'os reached and pulled Eyeri between them, hugging the youngling close. He blinked, and looked down at Eyeri again. Eyeri looked up at him, with a slightly confused look in his eyes. "You've grown," Nel'os noted. Maybe it was just because he had a few days apart but he was starting to feel a difference. The first hug he had given Eyeri, barely a month prior, Eyeri had been below his chest but now he could almost place his chin on Eyeri's head without hunching over.
Eyeri flushed and nodded, cuddling closer. "Iss'vine is very glad you asked Ril'shy to put the extra material in my clothes. She's already altered a few," he admitted.
Chuckling softly, Nel'os hugged Eyeri tight. "I'm staying tonight, I promise," he murmured, rocking them. "But I do need to change my own clothes,"
"Use mine," Ryraso called, not getting up from his spot. Nel'os vaguely remembered Ryraso was supposed to be in the healing rooms still. Most likely, Pol'ar had allowed it only if Ryraso was very careful. Nel'os looked over and Ryraso was glaring at him. The human pointed over to his room. "We're close enough in size. Go," he ordered curtly.
Nel'os went to argue but found himself confused as to why. Dyn'ad pushed him gently and Eyeri fluttered over to his brothers, falling next to Aw'endo and whispering something in his ear. Aw'endo nudged him with his shoulder and Eyeri beamed, pleased with himself. Nel'os just followed the finger and went to Ryraso's room. He wasn't escaping so easy now he was there with them.