Can You Hear the Ocean? - Chapter 40: Chapter 40

True to her word, Mia returned to work at the café. Though she often spoke about how much she despised the job to everyone she knew, she welcomed her crappy minimum wage job as a distraction. At least when she was waiting tables, she wasn't alone. Even if the customers were sometimes rude, even if her manager chastised her, it was better than the confines of her apartment where silence echoed through the walls.
Still, work didn't prevent Mia from returning home in the evening to an empty apartment. She always unlocked the door, hopeful Leila would be in there cooking dinner as if nothing had happened, but when she opened the door after returning home one evening, her heart sunk to hear the silence radiating from the apartment. The blinds had been drawn shut; Mia had forgotten to open them in the morning. As Mia reached for a light switch, she listened to the heater run and glanced around the empty kitchen.
"Ramen it is," Mia murmured.
As she watched the water boil on the stove, Mia glanced around and shivered. Years prior, she had also lived alone in a darkened, quiet home like this. Her apartment with Leila in Maine, once cozy and full of life, now reminded her of the small home she and her father shared in Missouri. Her father would draw the blinds and drink in his bedroom, leaving Mia alone in a darkened house. Those were the days she felt the loneliest.
Mia slowly hugged herself with her arms. She hated to admit she was feeling close to that same level of loneliness with Leila gone.
Her phone suddenly rang on the counter. Mia quickly reached for it, desperately hoping it was Leila, but her heart sunk when she saw it was Julian's number.
"Hey," she answered.
"Hey. Want me to come over tonight?" he asked. Julian had been sure to keep her company often in the time she had been alone. She knew he was worried for her, and while Mia was tempted to decline, she relented, knowing he was only looking out for her.
"Okay," she said.
"Want me to bring any food?" Julian asked.
"No. That's okay," Mia said. "I'm eating right now."
"Okay. See you soon," he said.
After hanging up, Mia slurped on ramen alone in her apartment. As she finished washing the dishes, a knock echoed on the door. Once again, Mia's heart leapt, but she realized it was only Julian. He had come with his duffel bag, apparently intent on spending the night.
"Hey," Mia said, giving him a kiss.
"Hey," Julian responded. "What did you make for dinner?"
"Just some ramen," Mia murmured.
"I could've picked something up for you," Julian said.
"It's fine," Mia responded.
"Well, let's watch a movie or something, then," Julian suggested.
Mia cozied up next to him on the couch. She rested her head against his shoulder and felt him wrap an arm around her. As the movie played in the background, Mia remembered back to when she had accidentally fallen asleep on Leila's shoulder when watching a movie.
Did she love me back then? Mia wondered.
She glanced up. Julian seemed entranced by the movie. It was a superhero film, one that Mia didn't really care for but one that Julian had been wanting to watch for a while. She safely assumed he wasn't going to speak to her much during the movie, so she let her thoughts wander.
Sitting on this couch with Julian felt foreign to her, Mia realized. For so long, this had been her and Leila's spot, where they'd watch movies and exchange stories and share laughter. Mia glanced at the couch cushion, noticing bits of Fuji's fur still clinging to the fabric. He would often curl up and sleep there while Leila and Mia enjoyed an evening together.
Even with Julian cuddled up against her, Mia couldn't deny the loneliness she still felt. Here was a living, breathing human being right beside her, and yet, in the moment, she still felt utterly alone.
I miss Leila, Mia thought at last. I want her to come home.
Mia knew it was foolish to think. Even when Leila did return home, their relationship could never be the same, not after their fight. Because even as Mia admitted her loneliness, she knew she couldn't leave Julian, at least not right now. They'd been through too much together.
It's true I can't be her girlfriend, Mia thought. And maybe that means we won't have as strong as a relationship than before, but...I miss my friend. I want our friendship back.
Tears welled in her eyes. Thankfully, the movie had taken a break from its action-heavy plot to focus on the tragic backstory of one of the heroes.
"Aw, babe, don't cry," Julian said, noticing her tears. He wiped some tears away from her cheeks and gently kissed the bridge of her nose. "Don't worry. This sad part will be over soon."
She nodded, wishing it truly would end soon. When would Leila return? Would it be days from now? Weeks? Mia wasn't sure.
She glanced at her phone and reached for it. For a moment, she was tempted to text Leila. She was sure Julian wouldn't notice; his eyes were glued to the television screen anyway. However, Mia couldn't find the courage and gradually set her phone back down.
"Tomorrow, I'm going to go visit my mom," Mia said at last.
Julian let out a sigh. "Then I guess you expect me to be out of here early?"
"Sleep in all you want, but I'm going with or without you," Mia said. "I haven't been in a while. I want to get some flowers on the way."
"Fine. I'll be out before you go," Julian grumbled. He removed his hand from her side and sat with his arms crossed.
Leila would've come with me, Mia thought. Not in the mood to fight, she remained silent the rest of the movie. When they headed into her bedroom, Mia made it clear she was only in the mood to sleep. Julian seemed upset by this too, but he complied.
A few hours after going to bed though, Mia still couldn't sleep. She could hear Julian breathing softly beside her, clearly fast asleep. In the darkness, Mia reached for the seashell on her nightstand and felt it in her hands. Once again, tears stung her eyes. She quickly set it back down and rolled over to curl into Julian's side. Right now, she had to take things one day at a time in Leila's absence.
That morning, after a quick breakfast, Julian headed out, promising to be back the next day to keep her company again. Shortly after he left, Mia stopped at the florist to purchase some flowers then drove the familiar road down to the cemetery.
If I can't talk to Leila, then she's the second best, Mia thought.
When she arrived at the headstone, Mia replaced the withering flowers with the new ones. Some of the autumn storms that rolled in had dirtied the headstone. Mia brushed away the debris with her hand. Standing back up, she placed her cold hands in her pockets and stared at her mother's grave.
"What do I do?" she asked quietly. "I messed up. Bad. Leila...she was trying so hard to rekindle our friendship, and I tore it apart because I thought that was what was best." Mia felt her throat go chalky with tears. "But Mom...I realized I do love it here. I love living with Leila. I didn't want to admit it before. I didn't want to become attached, but I did anyway, and now I've screwed it all up."
She knew her mother would tell her differently. She knew her mother would say that there was still hope for their relationship, but in the moment, Mia felt hopeless and began to cry.
"I want Leila to come home," Mia said through tears. "I want to cook and watch movies together again. But I feel like if I asked for that now, I'd be taking advantage of her. She loves me, Mom. Did you know that? She just told me that recently. I don't think I'm deserving of her love. I'm afraid all those times I reached out for her comfort, I was just taking advantage of her kindness. She doesn't deserve someone like me. I'm probably better fit for someone like Julian."
Mia wiped tears from her eyes, not sure where her spiel was going. She knew her mother could not respond. She knew that, at this moment, whatever she did next was up for her to decide.
"I know what I want, Mom, but I'm too afraid," Mia said quietly.
A breeze picked up, and the fallen leaves colored red and orange by autumn swirled around her body. In that moment, just for a few seconds, Mia suddenly felt like her mother was there embracing her, disguised by the autumn breeze. It made Mia want to cry even harder.
As she stood there, Mia was reminded of a conversation she once had with her mother shortly before her death. Mia knew then that her mother was going to die and that she'd be left alone. As she sat in her mother's lap and her mother embraced her, Mia realized how skeletal and frail her mother had become.
"What will I do when you're gone?" Mia had asked through tears.
"You'll have to do what you can. Take things one day at a time. You can get through it. You're so strong, Mia. So much joy awaits you in the future, but some days will be harder than others, so do what you can."
As the wind dissipated, Mia was left standing and staring at her mother's headstone again.
"Thank you," Mia whispered.
Mia still wasn't brave enough to reach out to Leila. After all, it would be Leila's decision on when she wanted to return home, but she did have the courage to call Julian.
"Hey, babe. Everything okay?" he asked.
"Fine," Mia said. "Listen, when Leila does come back, we need to set more ground rules. I can't have you over as much."
"What? Didn't I tell you earlier? Your roommate is a—"
"I don't want to hear it," Mia said angrily back at him. "This is my decision, not Leila's. I've appreciated you keeping me company recently, I really do, but I'm not letting you drive apart my friendship with Leila."
"That's not—"
"We can talk about it later," Mia said, hanging up on him.
Sighing, she set her phone back in her pocket and stared up at the sky. It wasn't much, but it was a start.