Choosing Mr. Destiny - Chapter 16: Chapter 16

Ashley's POV
It's kind of funny to think that it's been a week after that incident happened at school. Where I panicked when I thought it was Jacob who held my hand and not Connor. And then I dramatically ran inside the school and locked myself up in the boy's bathroom.
I still can't wrap my head around the whole scene I made back during that time. I kind of wasn't able to control my panic and my body just when into overdrive. It was embarassing to think about now that I'm completely able to comprehend what I had done. Plus, It really was a mortifying memory to visit because one, I made Connor break a school property, two, I made my friends and family even more worried than they already are, and three, I freaked out a poor school janitor.
Right now I feel disconcerted with my own actions, and there is also a big part that belonged to guilt. But what I had done back there was beyond my control when fear took over my system. So I guess they should atleast understand where I'm coming from. I know I made all of them worried as heck and that itself is eating my entire body with guilt at the moment. But like I have said, fear is not in my control right now. So chances of having another emotional turmoil is high.
However, there is this thought that never left my mind ever since that incident happened back at my school. Connor was there. He came back for me. He basically saved me that time. He saved me from myself.
He was able to calm my nerves down which was kind of odd for me. I didn't know what he did or said for me to be able to calm down, but all that was in my head that time was to try and build trust with him. I was even shocked myself when I clung to him that easily like I trust him with my life. Though clinging to Connor was a huge shocker, I admit that I was glad he was there for me. Which was very weird I don't even know why.
Speaking of Connor. He's been very gentle to me ever since and I think I'm starting to feel more comfortable with him. The feel of safety and assurance that made me comfortable around him was starting to grow day by day. I feel secure enough that I was able to slowly come out of my shell again, though not fully, but it was surely a huge progress. It was a slow process and it still is. But I guess the fact that I'm coming out of my safe haven one step at a time can be considered a good news, then I'm proud and happy that I was able to do it. But I feel like I still can't let my guard down fully. I do have this trust building up for Connor, but I'm still terrified. I'm still scared to be taken advantage. Too scared to trust and end up getting hurt again.
I guess I built another personality of mine that was closed off from people. I was no longer the Ashley Dale Valdez that I once was. Right now, I'm a person whose being driven by fear. I'm too afraid to let people in and be taken advantage again. I guess I'm no longer the person that was once a happy-go-lucky kind of type. No, I am far from being that person. However, I'm trying my best to move on and get over the things that happened to me. But knowing the scenes are still fresh in my mind like it was just yesterday, I know it will take time to be able to fully move forward. But I'm getting there though. Slowly but surely getting there.
I was also thankful that Connor wasn't trying to bug me about telling him the reasons why I'm so scared and terrified of Jacob. Instead, he was always there to take my mind off of the things that worries me, even if it's just temporary. But I'm still so grateful. Besides, I don't know if I can even answer him when he does question me about Jacob, and I don't know if I'm ready to be interogated about it yet.
For now, I want to take my mind off of the bad events, the traumatizing memories, and the frightful things that haunts me everynight and day. I want to feel alive again without feeling dirty of myself and without beating myself up about the fact that I was raped by the person who I easily trusted. I want to be free for once and just be happy again. Be the old Ashley Dale that I once was.
But like I said, I think I built a new personality of me so getting back to my old me will take time.
But I'll still try. I won't lose anything for trying, so might as well push myself to do it.
Anyways, I'm currently inside my room, plopped down lazily on my cozy bed with a book in hand. I've gained interest in reading books lately, since I don't really like talking or interacting to people that much, or at all. So I usually spend my time reading when I'm at home. Even when I'm at school, I'm in the library most of my free time. Also, I still don't like it when I'm being touched or being stared at. It always manage to give me goosebumps and made me feel sick. On the other hand, my Besty and three other friends have been overprotective of me ever since the bathroom incident. Though it's kind of irritating at times but I'm glad that they cared for me.
The four of them never lets me out of their sight most of the time, so I always tell them where I was going so I won't make them worried sick. To be honest, It's kind of amusing sometimes when they get so worked up when they noticed that I'm gone. Though that may sound mean but it really does amuse me. I'm a mean bunny, sorry.
Now, I have four overprotective body guards following me most of the time, add up to the list are my two older brothers Ali and A.J along with sister Alicia. Let me tell you, they are the annoying squad. Oh and add to the squad is my nervous wrecked of a mother as well as an overly paranoid Father. When Mama isn't that busy, she always calls me through skype or viber just to check on me. While Papa's strictness had tripled and it's beggining to annoy me to the roof. Well who wouldn't be when you have more or less 8 people watching your every move? Either it may be in school or in the confines of my own home they would still watch over me like I'm going to trip any second and break my leg.
Although it annoys me to the core, I just let them. I still don't like talking so it's pointless when I scold them not to be overly protective of me like I'm a 2 year older kid. If they want to be all nanny on me then so be it. It's not like I'm paying them hourly to do that.
Anyways, knowing I'm no longer reading the book, I placed a bookmark on the page I'm currently at and closed it. I put the book on my bedside table once I decided to have a shower. And since it's 9 am in a saturday morning, might as well get myself all clean.
So with that in mind, I got up and walked into my small closet to fetch some clean clothes before I headed to the bathroom. After closing and locking the door, I turned to the mirror to see my reflection. Upon seeing myself, I grimaced. I'm still skinny and the prominent dark bags under my eyes were still there, not planning to leave any time soon. My face looked pale, and my lips were chapped and no longer have it's natural pink glow. Overall, I still looked like crap.
Stepping inside the shower, I clean and scrubbed my body off of any dirt. Once I was done doing all the cleaning, I remained standing under the spray of warm water since it was surely making me feel relaxed. I stood there until the water turned cold, that's when I decided to finish up.
After I was finished in the shower, I took the towel on the rack and dried my body and then my hair. Once that's done, I wrapped the towel around my waist and grabbed my clean purple briefs. When I'm finally done getting dressed, I placed the towel into the dirty clothes basket and walked out of the bathroom.
When I was outside my bedroom, I looked around the silent hallway.
Looks like they forgot that it's my 17th birthday today. I thought to myself
With a deep breath, I shrugged and entered my bedroom. It's normal for me when they don't acknowledge my birthday so I'm not really that surprised. Though there is always that stinging feeling in my gut, I always remind myself to just forget about it. You may be wondering why they don't celebrate birthdays. It's because their religion said so. Though it's not really prohibiting them to celebrate, but the said religion doesn't really acknowledge it. Now don't go saying that it sucks and that it is just plain cruel. Yes it may sound cruel but I do respect their religion. I do believe there is a god and I do believe there is a creator of this world, though it's just my opinion and belief. We all have our own faith and opinions and I respect my family's choosen faith.
After dropping into my bed, my phone chirped on my bedside table telling me that there's a new message. I grabbed it and opened the message and saw that it was from Connor.
C: hey Ash, you wanna hang out with me today?
Me: uhm, I don't know, I'll go ask Papa.
I replied back a bit unsure.
C: oh okay, well if you don't mind, I'll come over and I'll personally ask your Papa.
My eyebrows rose up nearly to my forehead at his reply.
Me: oh, uhm if that's what you want then I don't mind.
C: great! I'll be there in 15 minutes :)
I smiled also upon seeing the smiley face in his reply.
Me: okay see ya :)
I messaged back with a smiley face as well.
After that, I placed the phone on my bed and headed to my window, waiting for Connor's arrival.
In the past week, I've grown comfortable around Connor and I kind of like it. Although my brain always reminds me to never ever trust anyone that easily again, I still try to build trust with him even if it's hard. He on the other hand, has been very sweet and gentle to me. He'd never done anything to hurt me. He never did things that might trigger the bad memories to come back. He never fails to make me feel safe and protected when I'm with him, which I am glad. Time will come that I will finally trust him. That I can be able to let my guard down a little bit and let myself be happy again, without the fears and dark memories of my past. But for now, I'll be very careful.
I should be careful. Specially now that I'm a broken piece of work and I doubt I'll ever be put back together again.
A honk snapped me out of my thoughts making me turn my attention outside my window. I saw the car that Connor was renting and I smiled subtly. The driver's side opened and I saw him hopped out and walked towards my front door. I headed out of my room and walked down the stairs to open the door for Connor.
So much for being careful, my inner conscience said.
I stopped on my tracks and thought about it for a little bit. Well I guess it's totally fine to be comfortable around him and all I have to do is to keep my guards up.
So with that in mind, I continued walking down the stairs and went straight to our front door. I opened it and saw Connor ready to knock. He looked surprised for a second then he smiled at me.
"That was quick." He mused with a wide smile.
"I heard your car honk so I figured it must be you who arrived." I answered shyly only above a whisper and he chuckled his deep, husky and masculine chuckle.
"Hmmm." He hummed in reply.
"Uhm, come in." I said while opening the door wider so he could get inside.
"Thank you." He smiled while peering down at me.
I led him to the living room and surprisingly, I saw Alicia sitting there watching a reality show on the TV. I thought she'd be in her room?
"Oh Hi bunso (A.N: Bunso means youngest brother in filipino)." She said after she saw me. "And Hi there Connor, I didn't know you were coming today." She waved with a smile at Connor after she stood up and sat on the love seat, giving me and Connor the couch.
"Yeah, I was wondering if I can take Ashley out today so I came here to ask Ben personally if he's allowed to." He said after sitting down on the couch beside me.
Oh boy, he made it sound like we're going out on a date.
The two of them started a conversation while I sat there silently with my eyes glued on the television.
A few minutes later, I sublty heard my name being included on their conversation so I decided to turn my attention to Alicia.
"Oh okay, so you and Ash are like going out on a date?" She asked with a teasing smirk directly to me.
What?
"W-What? No that's n-not what he meant Alicia. He said hang out." I said defensively with wide eyes while I heard Connor chuckle lowly beside me.
Oh great, now he sees this as amusing huh?
"Oh? But he said he'll take you out? So technically it also means go out 'on a date'. And why are you being so defensive all of a sudden?" She countered and I blushed brightly with my heart beat going faster than normal.
Just freaking great. Now both of them find this conversation amusing since they made me talk.
Such a cruel sister she is.
I huffed and scowled while averting my gaze from Alicia back to the TV. She giggled and I rolled my eyes.
Then I realized something but I can't pin point my finger on what it was.
"M'kay, I'll go look for Papa so he can give you permission to go on a date." She said teasingly making my eyes widen while I felt Connor tense beside me.
Then it hit me like a freaking train. Does this mean she knew? She's not serious right?
"A-Alicia don't you d-dare." I stammered in fright while I felt my blood run out of my body.
My breathing started going abnormal and I feel like a panic attack was coming to the surface. Scratching and waiting for me to break down and let it fully consume me.
Upon realizing that I'm starting to panic, Alicia immediately turned to me with alarmed expression on her face.
"Bunso I'm just kidding." She paused with a nervous chuckle. "I'm not going to tell Papa like what I said I would. I'm only joking okay?" She cooed as I felt Connor rubbing circles on my back to calm me down. But unfortunately, it's not giving me the effects that it should give me. Instead, my erratic breathing worsen and I started seeing black dots as it evades my sight.
Then the thoughts came flooding in my head with a vengeance.
Does it mean that Alicia knew that I'm gay? Is that the reason why she's doing this? Is she going to tell Papa? Are they going to hate me now? Are they going to disown me? Are they going to kick me out? Are they going to hurt me? Will they turn to be like Jacob too?
This freaking questions were running in my head in light speed and it's making me dizzy.
I'm not ready to come out yet. I'm so not ready for the things that I feared to happen. I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready. I'm not ready.
I'm not ready, my mind shouted.
Without knowing, I stood up from the couch and bolted towards my bedroom. They were calling and shouting my name but it was muffled with all the voices shouting in my head.
This is not happening.
This is all not happening to me.
Please make them stop. Make the voices go away. Make them stop shouting. Make them stop!
Alicia was just kidding. I know she mean it. But why am I still so scared? Why am I this terrified. Am I this messed up. Is my mind this messed up? Am I crazy?
Once I made it inside my room, I locked the door in a daze as I feel my head like it's going to burst. The voices are still there. It's not stopping and they keep on shouting at me. I clutched my hair using both of my hands and pulled it in hopes of getting rid of the voices, but it was no use. I ran to my bed and curled into a ball while covering my ears and closing my eyes shut.
Make them go away. Please make them stop.
Papa will disown me. He will hate me and then all of them will treat me like how Jacob did. They'll think I'm an abomination.
The voices in my head continued on as it assaulted my thoughts.
I kept my eyes shut as I kept both my hands covering my ears. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Jacob's face flashed in my mind making me jump and fall off the bed. I crashed down to the floor making me land on my arm. I cried out in pain when I felt it crack.
I screamed my lungs out as his face stayed in my mind. The menacing look he had as he stared at me. He was slowly advancing towards me as I backed away, but it seems like I was trapped into a wall as Jacob got even closer. He's going to do it again. And this time, no one will stop him. Not even Matthias.
I cried as I pushed further into the wall, trying to distance myself from Jacob who didn't stop from advancing towards me.
I opened my eyes as I was snapped out of it when I heard banging and shouting outside my bedroom door. Instantly thinking it was Jacob, I scurried into the wall and curled into a ball as small as humanly posible. I can't let this happen again. Not anymore.
Please just make them stop. Make the voices go away. Please!
Make Jacob go away. I want him to leave me alone.
I begged in no one in particular and I feel even more pathetic. I'm a freak, I just know it.
And then I heard my bedroom door burst open and footsteps heading towards me, making me whimper and tighten my grip around my knees as I hid my face in it. My body was shaking uncontrollably and I feel like the world suddenly run out of oxygen. My heart was no where near to being okay because it's beating in a fast, abnormal pace. And all I see is Jacob smiling deviously at me while taking off his belt.
No he can't do that to me again.
Please just make him go away.
But unfortunately, I know he's not going anywhere. I felt someone touch me and all I can think about was Jacob trying to hold me down forcefully to the ground. I flinched and my instincts told me to shout and I did just that.
I shouted in pure horror and I tried to back away from the person who had touched me, but I was already pressed on the wall so I can't move further.
"Ash it's me Connor. Calm down please. It's me." He said trying to sooth me from my fears.
His voice was smooth and gentle but I'm still freaking scared. What if it was only an illusion and it was Jacob instead of Connor when I turn my head to look at him. What if it's not really Connor? What if...
"Ash listen to me. No one is going to hurt you okay? Just look at me. Remember I promised you that I will never do such things that may hurt you." He cooed in hopes to calm my nerves down.
Then I decided to push my fears in the depth of my mind and listen to the voice that was coming from Connor.
I just hope it's not Jacob because I don't know if I can still take it.
Slowly and hesitantly, I lifted my head and came face to face with Connor who was kneeling infront of me with a worried face. Then my gaze turned to the people standing behind him and I saw Papa and Alicia with shock visible on their faces.
Then a dreadful realization hit me again full force.
Papa saw that. They saw that. They saw what happened and now they all think I'm a freak.
They will hate me even more now. They surely will. I just know and feel it deep in my guts.
With those thoughts in my mind, I hid my face back into my folded arms that are wrapped around my knees.
"Ash?" A deep voice called and I knew who it belonged to.
From Papa.
I stiffened and held my breath. This is it. He will kick me out and disown me. I just feel it.
"Ashley Dale are you okay?" Papa asked worriedly and I felt him walking nearer towards me. I was confused as to why he sounded so worried, but I decided to stay still.
"Son are you okay? Can you hear me?" He asked again and I nodded my head without looking up.
"Look at me son." He ordered gently but I didn't comply. I stayed still as possible because I didn't want to see their faces. I don't think I would be able to handle their disgusted faces thrown towards me.
I heard Papa sigh, then suddenly I felt a hand rest on my arm. Since I still hate being touched for obvious reasons, I immediately tensed back up. Feeling the area on my arm burns under their simple touch of skin.
"Ash look at me. Please." Connor begged while rubbing my arm soothingly.
It's only Connor's arm, it's only Connor's arm. No need to freak out about it. I told myself over and over to keep my panic in check.
I took a deep breath and once again slowly tilted my head up to meet gaze with him.
Right after my eyes landed on Connor's, I saw him give me a small smile.
"There you are." He whispered with a relieved smile.
"What was that about Ash? You scared us." Papa said as he stood towering behind Connor.
I instantly looked away, feeling ashamed.
"It w-was nothing Papa." I answered without making any eye contact.
"Ash te..." Papa pushed stubbornly, but I  didn't have the will power to answer anyone's question so I decided to cut him off.
"Please Papa," I begged in a mere whisper. "I-I don't want to t-talk about it." I stated in plea in hopes or him getting the idea that I'm not in the mood to discuss about what happened.
What's the point of talking anyway when they already have their needed answers. Besides, I know he hates me. I highly doubt that he doesn't know that I'm gay. Probably tomorrow he'll kick me out of his house for good.
Papa sighed and thankfully dropped the subject.
"Alright, but when you want someone to talk to, then I'm here okay?" He said as I keep my gaze down, staring at his feet instead of meeting his eyes.
Also, I feel confused.
I bet Alicia already told him about my sexuality when she had the chance. But then if she actually did tell Papa then why does he want to talk to me if he already knew? Why isn't he reacting or at least say anything?
When I realized I haven't responded to him yet, I slowly nodded my head.
I doubt that he wanted to talk to me. I thought.
"Okay, good." He said. "And uh, Connor here asked me if he take you somewhere to hang out." He said with a gentle and fatherly voice.
I nodded my head as a response without uttering a single word.
"Well If you want, you can, as long as you get home by 8 o'clock tonight then it's fine with me." He said.
"Papa it's his birthday today. At least give him some consideration." Alicia countered and I frowned a little.
She remembered.
"No Alicia, his safety is more important than anything else. So 8 o'clock is final." He said using his unwavering voice, and I knew right then, that once he had his mind set to something, it's hard to change it.
Alicia sighed and stayed quiet.
"Don't worry Ben, I'll take him home at 8 pm sharp. That is if he still wanted to hang out with me." Connor said while giving me a gaze, asking me the unspoken question.
He then helped me stand to my feet and guide me towards my bed.
"Okay good." Papa said with a nod before he turned to me. "Are you sure you're okay now Ash?" He asked with the worried expression back on his face.
I nodded while avoiding eye contact.
He sighed once again. "Alright then. I'll be downstairs if you needed me." He said before he leaned down and gave me a kiss on the head and gave my shoulder a small pat. Then he walked out of my room and went downstairs.
Did Papa just...
He never show me that much affection even before. The only time I remembered him giving me kisses and being affectionate towards me was when I was still at a very young age.
So why did he...
Does that mean he doesn't hate me?
I shook my head. Denying the idea.
I still doubt it.
He's just waiting for the right timing to tell me and kick me out.
Alicia came up to me and gave me a hug.
"I'm sorry for what I did Bunso. I didn't mean to scare you, I swear. I really am sorry." She whispered apologetically in my ear.
After she pulled away from the hug, I gave her a small smile, telling her I wasn't mad. She then gave my temple a kiss before following Papa out my bedroom door.
But before she left, she turned back to me and smiled.
"Happy Birthday Bunso. I love you." She said which almost triggered for me to ugly cry right then and there.
I returned a smile.
"Thank you." I whispered.
And with that, she left.
I stood there still staring at the door. Not utter a single word.
"Are you sure you still want to hang out with me? It's okay if you don't want to." He said gently.
I looked up at his towering figure and met his eyes.
"I want to." I murmured. "Besides, I-I want to g-get out of h-here for a while." I said in a whisper. "Be in a place where I could clear my mind for once."
He smiled with a nod.
"Okay." He simply said before he leaned towards me and gave my forehead a ghost of a kiss, but I still felt how his lips touched my skin and how the feeling lingers there.
Something's really wrong with me. Earlier, I almost feel like fear was going to fully consume as the panic attack continues, but now I feel like blushing after a simple act Connor did, and that is kissing my forehead. It wasn't a big deal but somehow, my body reacted differently.
Maybe I'm bipolar? Who knows? Maybe I am.
Hopefully not.
Connor's POV
It was disturbing to see Ash go through his panic attack again. It hurts to watch how he goes through that kind of anguish. He didn't deserve any of it. He deserves to be happy.
After Ash decided to go out with me even after what happened, I made it my mission to at least make his day a little better. Make it my duty to see that precious smile gaze his beautiful face again. And even if I don't have any solid idea on what's really bothering him, I want to make him forget all his demons even just temporarily.
So with that in mind, I decided to take him to the Zoo two towns away, and it will take an hour drive up there. I know he'll like the zoo knowing he'll get to see his favorite animal which is the rabbits. He'll get to see tons of those fluffy, adorable fur-balls at the zoo. And I mean, even if there's no rabbit in there, I'm sure he will enjoy just knowing the fact that it's a zoo. Like, who doesn't love the zoo? Heartless people, that is.
Anyway, I'm currently in the living room sitting on the couch waiting for Ash to finish getting dressed. He's still not being himself after the panic attack. He's constantly spacing out and he still looked terrified. He never uttered a word and never made a solid eye contact that last a couple seconds after I asked him if he still wanted to hang out. Also, He's very fidgety and he looked uneasy. He doesn't seem to stay still.
Over all he looked really stressed and I hope this little get away we're going will help him ease up some knots in his muscles and forget his worries for a while.
While busying myself watching the show I'm barely paying much attention to, my phone beeped and vibrated in my pocket. I fetched it out and unlocked to see who messaged me. It was from Rose.
R: Hey Conny, What's up?
She asked and I quickly typed my reply.
Me: I'm here at Ash's house right now.
R: Oh okay that's great. Anyways, how is he doing? He's not replying to my messages earlier.
She questioned with worry and I know she won't relax if I didn't tell her.
Me: He had a panic attack again, Rose.
I replied straight to the point.
R: What? Why? Is he okay? What triggered his attacks this time? Oh god, my poor Besty.
She messaged back with so much worry that I could almost feel it coming out of her text.
Me: Rose relax. He's fine now. I'm not sure what triggered his panic attack but I'm guessing it has to do with his sister's joke.
R: Alicia? Wait, what was her joke about?
She questioned eagerly, and right then I knew she's starting to get annoyed as I could feel her Besty Protectiveness started to kick in. I sighed while typing my reply and then quickly sent it to her.
Me: Well, she joked about Ash and I going out on a date since I came here to ask his dad personally that I'm going to take Ash out. Though it's kinda my fault also because I didn't specify it as hang out so his sister got the wrong message and joked about telling their dad that Ash and I are going out on a date. Then Ash thought that Alicia will out him to their dad. And then his panic attack started.
After a few seconds of waiting, my phone beeped and vibrated again.
R: Oh hell to the No. That is definitely not a good joke. Hold on, I'll call Ash. Be right back.
She said and with that, I decided not to type and send her a reply.
I locked my phone up and fixed my gaze back on the television. After a few minutes, my phone's ringtone blared and I immediately picked it up and swiped the answer botton.
"Hey are you sure Ash is okay? He won't pick up any of my calls Connor and I'm starting to get worried here."
She said before I can even say hello.
"I'm sure he's fine, Rose. He's in his room getting dressed right now. But for you, I'll go check on him." I replied while standing up from the couch.
"That would be great, Thank you Conny. Oh, and tell me right away if he's okay." She said worriedly over the phone.
"Rose relax. Like I said, I'm sure he's fine. Don't get so worked up, it'll make you uglier." I replied to enlighten her mood, and my effort is quickly rewarded with the giggle I know.
"Shut up Conny." She said with a giggle and I smiled.
"Sure thing. So I'll end the call then I will check on Ash. Sounds good?"
"Tell me right away if he's fine, okay?" She asked.
"I will. Bye" After ending the call, I made my way towards the stairs. But before I can take the first step, Ash walked out of his room.
When he saw me on the bottom of the stairs he froze and his eyes slightly widens. Then he avoided my gaze while playing with his fingers.
"Are you ready?" I decided to break the silence and ask.
He nodded his head without meeting my eyes.
"Okay, so let's go?" I asked.
He nodded his head again before he decended the stairs. He suddenly stopped when he was on the last four steps. Realizing what he's referring to, I quickly moved out of the way and gave him room to walk through. I followed him to the living room with my phone in hand. Remembering what Rose told me, I quickly sent her a message that Ash was perfectly fine and that, she doesn't have to worry anymore. Then after a few seconds, she replied that she was relieved to know that her Besty is fine.
When I was done, I placed my phone in my pocket and turned my attention to Ash who is now sitting on the couch.
"I'll go tell your Dad we're heading out." I told him at the same time checking him out.
I know, Bad timing but I can't help it.
He's wearing a light purple V-neck shirt that fits his lean body perfectly. Then he paired it with a simple skinny jeans. He had a high cut shoes with a black and white checkered design on it. His hair was styled minimaly, causing for some hair strands to fall on his forehead making him more attractive and his brown eyes more vibrant. Over all, he looked so damn hot. Thankfully, my mini me is asleep. It would be awkward having a boner in front of Ash.
Ugh, why are these f*cking urges come in the worst of times?
"Please stop staring." Ash whispered while looking down on the floor.
I snapped out of my daydreaming and averted my gaze to the window.
Way to be smooth, Connor. I thought, as I tried to fight the urge to slap myself.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." I apologized
He only nodded his head as his response, and so I took it as my cue to go find his dad. I left the living room and went straight to the kitchen where I know Ash's dad would be. Luckily, I was right and I saw Ben leaning on the counter with what I guess is coffee in his hand. He looked up after taking a sip when he noticed me walking towards him.
Before I can even talk, he quickly beats me to it.
"Ash is ready and you guys are leaving?" He asked then took another sip of his coffee
I chuckled lowly and answered his question with a nod and a 'Yeah'.
"Very well. But remember to bring Ash home by 8, okay?" He asked, or more like demanded.
I nodded. "I will Ben, don't worry."
He gave me a small smile. "Good. Now the two of you, off you go." He ushered me out of the kitchen and I gladly did.
I walked back to the living room to find Ash still sitting on the couch watching a show on the television. I walked towards him and stood a good distance from him, knowing he doesn't like people getting too close to him after he had his panic attacks.
"Uhm, we'll leave whenever you're ready." I told him with a smile.
He looked up at me but didn't meet my eyes. He only looked into my chest and then he answered.
"Uhm, I'm r-ready Connor." He said lowly.
Ready to marry me?. My brain randomly spat and I was surprised myself with how my brain works sometimes. I shrugged and shook the silly thought out of my head.
"Okay then, let's go?" I asked after making sure my brain was working fine again then offered my hand to Ash to help him get up.
He looked down at it for a second before he reluctantly took it. I pulled him up to a standing position. I took the remote of the T.V and turned it off. Then we walked out of the living room with Ash's hand in mine, which made me smile because he didn't let go. Or maybe he just forgot to pull away. Either way, I'm not complaining.
When we're infront of the door, I opened it and let Ash walk out first before I swiftly followed behind him.  After getting into my car, we both hopped in and buckled up then I turned the car's ignition.
20 silent minutes into the drive, Ash decided to speak up.
"Uhm,w-where are y-y-you taking m-me Connor?" Ash stuttered a question without looking my way.
I glanced at him before quickly focusing my attention back on the road.
"I'm taking you to a place where you'll surely relax and at the same time enjoy. But I'm not going to spill the beans to you right now so it would be a surprise." I told him while still focused on driving and on the road.
Ash was quiet for a minute that's why I took a glance his way to check if he's okay. I saw that he's in deep thought again. Lost in his own world and staring out the window.
A small frown formed on my face. "Ash are you okay? If you want to know the place we're going then I'll tell you." I said nicely.
He snapped out of what ever was going through his head and looked at me.
"Uhm it's o-okay. It's kinda nice h-having it as uhm, as a s-surprise anyway, so it's f-fine." He simply said as he whisper the last part but I heard him clear. Then he avoided my gaze and looked down on his lap before he started playing with his fingers.
I nodded my head understandingly to what he said and focused back on driving. Then silence once again took over between us. And upon realizing that Ash is deep in his thoughts again, I decided to turn the music on. We're not really in an awkward silent type of thing but more like the comfortable one. Just enjoying each others company without uttering a single word.
Right after the music came on, a smile formed on my face. It was kinda cliché but I love it. In the background, the music "Passenger seat by Stephen Speak" was on. The Irony of the song and our current situation was highly on point which caused me to smile even wider after realizing that I can relate to the lyrics.
Chessy right? I'm a cheesy and corny f*cker, so yeah.
[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]
(You can play the music if you want. For ya know, better effects *wink*)
The intro of the music started and the smile on my face never faded or even planned to leave. It's one of those songs that I want to sing in front of the person I wanted to be with, and that is Ash. It's also the kind of song that made me fall in love even deeper to the person who's sitting silently beside me. To me he's perfect. Ash is perfectly imperfect, but still perfect in his own little ways. Ashley Dale is the kind of person I can picture my future life with. Though some might think that it's too early to say these sorts of things especially if you barely know the person. But my feelings for him never lie, didn't need for a second thought, and never wrong; love is never wrong. I know I'm falling for him so hard that I'm no longer able to control it. It's scary at the same time worth it. I may not know where this might take me but I'm ready for what ever fate has to throw towards our way.
Either this may give me doom or give me pure happiness and contentment that I long wanted and waited, I know everything will be worth it.
I can say that I can face it all as long as I'll have Ash in the end. Now I know my life will be empty, colorless, and miserable without Ash. I just know it. That's the reason why I'll do my best to make him mine. Now I fully made up my mind and I will confess to him my real intentions. If he'll allow me then I will start courting him as my first move, specially when Ash is an inexperienced person when it comes to relationships. I'll make sure everything will be worth his time.
Next, maybe ask him if we could hang out more so we can get to know each other better. Then if things are going smoothly as it should be then maybe I'll take him out on a date. And hopefully, I can finally ask him to be my boyfriend when the right time comes. But for now, all I have to worry about is if he'll let me.
Let's just hope for the best.
When the chorus of the song came, I glanced at him once again. He's lost in his own thoughts and in his own little world. His facial features looked peaceful but his eyes zoned out to nothingness. His lush pinkish lips formed a small pout that made him looked more Innocent. He was fiddling his fingers unconsciously as he placed both his hands on his lap. I didn't want to disturb whatever he's thinking but I just have this urge to hold his small warm hands. I want to entertwine our fingers together to know if it's a perfect fit, to just feel him.
So I decided to ask him if he's okay with it.
Hopefully he is.
Glancing back to the road and to my rear view mirror to see if there's an oncoming traffic. After making sure it's safe, I slowed down a bit then glanced back up to Ash at the same time paying attention on driving.
Then I cleared my throat loud enough for him to hear me. Ash blinked multiple times after he snapped out of his reverie then turned to look at me with curious eyes.
Those f*cking mesmerizing eyes. It made me want to melt on my seat right then and there.
Ash then furrowed his brows expectantly at me and I immediately snapped out of my daydreaming.
"If you keep s-staring at m-me Connor, you'll g-get the b-both of u-us in an accident." He warned shyly with pink tint on his cheeks.
"Sh*t sorry Ash. I didn't mean to stare. It's just.... I, uh." I said as I tried to let out the words I was suppose to say, but my mind suddenly felt like jelly and was unable to form any words to make a single sentence.
"W-What?" He asked. "And uhm, If it's not too much to a-ask. Is it o-okay if you, uhm, tone d-down the c-cussing a little?" He whispered.
"Right, sorry about that again." I apologized.
He responded with subtle smile and a nod. "It's f-fine, I just h-hope you won't...uhm you know, cuss too much. I'm not saying t-that it makes someone bad or a-anything, but it's just....I don't know, It makes me feel uncomfortable when someone cusses." He admitted and I understandingly nodded my head.
For him I'll teach myself not to cuss. For him I'll do anything if it makes him comfortable and happy.
"I'll try. But for you Ash, I will." I replied with all honesty present in my voice.
He looked at me in the eye for a brief moment  before he quickly averted his gaze to the windshield. But the blush that tinted his cheeks never left, and seemingly even grew brighter. He bit his lip in hopes to cool his heating face down.
"Can I ask you something Ash?" I questioned hesitantly, unsure of how he'll react about it.
"Uhm, o-okay sure, b-but you should pull over first." He said and I complied without complaints.
After I pulled over the side of the road, I turned back to Ash and prepared myself for whatever his reaction will be. He remained seated there while waiting for me to finally spill the beans.
I took a deep breath to calm my nerves down.
"Ashley Dale, will you go out on a date with me?" I blurted out in one fast breath.
Ash sat there looking confused before his features slowly changes like he just managed to sink in all the words that I blurted out. Then my nerves started to spike up tenfold again.
Is he going to say no? Is he going to avoid me now? Is he going to hate me? Am I going to lose him? Ugh, these f*cking questions are making me crazy.
He was silent for a while which only caused for my nervousness to go even worse. He's not uttering a single word and it's making me go nuts. Is he giving me the silent treatment now? Oh please God no.
Then he blinked. "Uhm, I-I don't k-k-know what t-to....say." He stuttered looking flustered and lost.
"It's totally fine if you want more time to think about it Ash. I have no problem with that." I told him. "For you I'll wait. I can always wait."
He looked up and made eye contact with me. His face looked like his going to say no, which made me want to just f*cking die. I know he's going to say no. I'm a hundred percent sure he will.
Ash opened his mouth to gave his answer.
"W-Well, I uhm,..." He trailed off and looked down to his hands that are still placed on top of his lap.
Then the moment of truth came. Ash took a deep breath and looked back up into my eyes with a serious expression on his beautiful face.
Even if he'll say No today, I'm still not going to give up on pursuing him. He may not want me now but he can never get rid of me. If it means that I have to stay longer in this country then I will gladly do it without a second thought. It's not in my nature to give up on someone I'm honestly serious about.
If he needs more time, then I'll give him all the time in the world.
Ash cleared his throat, gaining my attention
I looked at him straight in the eyes while trying my best to look composed and collected as possible. Though I know deep inside I'm a complete bundle of mess.
"Connor I uh....." He paused as he bit his lip.
He looked up at me.
"Connor I.....