|: Cigarettes and Candy :| Carlisle... - Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Declan's POV.
It almost seems like my life will always be packed away. Physically and metaphorically.
For the past few years, I've lived out of backpacks, hid my belonging under floorboards, and packed away my things to take them somewhere else. It's exhausting, I never have a place to shed my skin. I'm always the guest, I'm never home.
Now, here I am, packing my things to move again. It's not too much work considering the fact that I was never really unpacked anyway.
A woman who was one of my mothers friends, took me in as soon as it happened. Or, at least, when she thought it happened. I have no doubts that Renee would have taken me in sooner if she knew.
I know she's a bit worried about me leaving with Bella to Forks, but Arizona is not where I want to be. It's too hot, it never rains. I got a fucking sunburn my first day here, and it's so dry.
Bella wants me to go to Forks with her, she wants to "know at least one person" and she "can't be left alone with Charlie". She helped me convince Renee that Forks could be good for me.
"It'll be good for Declan to get out of the city"
"He won't get in trouble in Forks"
"It's quiet and the kids are nice, everyone knows each other there"
They didn't even need me in the room, eventually I left in frustration at their words. I wish I was a bit faster or my hearing was a bit worse.
"Forks might help him get over his issues"
Issues. My throat constricts at the word. My hands shake, I scratch and pick at my skin, and of course my worst habit.
Rubber bands. The snap is satisfying, it stings just enough to distract me, and no one needs to know.
At the thought I snapped the band that was always around my wrist, pulling myself back to reality.
I'm packing my suitcase for Bella and I's flight tomorrow. Most of my belongings have already been mailed to Charlie's, in the same boxes they came to Renee's in. I just had to pack the last of my clothes, half of which are too warm for Arizona. The weather is different in New York, let's say I was not prepared for winter in Arizona.
I zipped the suitcase closed, thankful that everything fit in just one. My backpack and guitar case sat outside the door of the guest room I'm staying in. I haven't been here long enough to think of it as my own.
It's almost saddening, well at least it is to me. Renee, Phil, and Bella all welcomed me here with open arms and I shut them out. By the time I started to feel comfortable the bags are getting packed again and I'm leaving.
Sitting down on the guest room bed, my old bed, I sighed. I cannot get myself worked up right now, I cannot left myself feel guilty for things I can't help.
Another bad habit. Guilt. It's so easy to feel like I make everyone's life harder, because I do. People worry about me, they've cried, and they've stressed.
What do I do?
Push them away and give them reasons to worry.
I keep telling myself it will be better with Charlie. He's always understood me more, he doesn't pry or meddle. He trusts me and I appreciate that.
Standing, I decided a hot shower would help me relax. My shoulders are starting to ache from how tense I am. I won't disturb anyone, they're all used to me showering in the middle of the night.
Yet they don't know the truth, some nights it a shower to relax other it's to wash away the blood.
Some nights it's my own, but usually it's someone else's. It's hard to keep things clean sometimes. It's easy to clean though, a quick shower and change or clothes. No problem.
Overall, I'd rather not have to get blood on me at all. I wish blood didn't need to be a part of my life. Unfortunately, it's just another shitty thing I was born with. I've got fucky genes what can I say?
I slipped into the bathroom and turned on the light, it's bright and makes my skin look grey and sickly. I turn on the shower to the hottest setting and face away from the mirror to undress. Unable to resist, I look at the mirror anyway.
I'm going to be an eyesore in the conservative and quiet town of Forks.
Emerald green messy hair, tattoos, and piercings. I look like a punk, like some "bad boy" asshole. I guess I am a pretty rude person, I wish I was kinder to people.
Blinking at my face, I leaned closer to the mirror and placed my fingers on my eye bags. My face is so cold, so hard. Thick arched eyebrows and narrowed eyes. Tight jaw and frowned lips.
I look old, like some grumpy old man who lost his whole family so he yells at the neighborhood kids. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to make friends.
I'm only sixteen, I mean, I don't even drive yet. I'm a kid, but I look so worn out. I need a decade long nap.
Slowly my eyes travels down to my chest. My fucking disgusting, ugly chest. Instead of the smooth flat chest I yearned for, everyday I lived with these lumps of tissue.
Tearing my gaze away I climbed into the shower. Letting the hot water leave hot trails on my reddening skin. I need to stop thinking so much, all I have to do is make it through tonight then I'll see Charlie tomorrow. I haven't seen him since it happened.
Taking deep, calming breaths of the steamy air, I mentally prepared myself for the goodbyes I'd mutter in just a few hours.
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Renee drove Bella and I to the airport, the ride was peaceful for me but Bella was get in the same speech for the seemingly thousandth time. I could put in headphones and listen to music, but Bella had to repeat the same lies to her mother.
As the three of us stood in the terminal, Renee took a deep breathe before her speech started again.
"You don't have to do this," her voice lacked her usual cheerful tone. It's quite unsettling hearing her voice sound so serious.
Bella took a soft, shaky breathe at my side. "I want to go."
Liar, I thought but I kept my face composed even though the whole situation makes me want to roll my eyes so hard they fall into my skull.
Renee turned to me with a sad smile, "is a hug okay, Declan?"
"Of course." I nodded and tried not to tense up when her arms wrapped around my shoulders.
Hugs are among my least favorite things in the world. Usually I avoided physical contact like the plague, but after all this time the least I could do is hug the woman who took me into her home.
Renee stepped away from me after a few moments, "tell Charlie I said hi."
"I will", Bella answered for the both of us.
Renee said the familiar line explaining how we could come home whenever we wanted before she hugged Bella for a minute. Then together Bella and I boarded the place.
Looking back at Renee before stepping on I wondered, is her house really my home?
Bella let me have the window seat, which I am grateful for. I kept my eyes on her furrowed brows and tight lips. If she's so unhappy and worried about Forks and Charlie, why is she insisting on moving?
"It seems like you're dreading this more than you dreaded getting braces." I joked, intending to lighten her black mood.
She looked at me with fierce eyes, or well as fierce as Bella could look. "I'm trying to convince myself that this will be good."
"It will be," I huffed as I roughly sat down in my seat. "He's just Charlie, you two are more alike then you seem to remember. Stop acting like we're moving in with the Addams family."
She didn't laugh at my poor excuse for a joke. I finally allowed myself to roll my eyes as dramatically as I could manage. I put my headphones back in and listened to music for the entire flight.
I kept watching Bella out the corner of my eye, she's still making the worry filled grumpy face. Hasn't anyone ever told her that if she keeps making the face, it'll freeze like that? It won't, obviously, but she's going to have worry lines before she graduates high school.
After we boarded the second plane in Seattle, my excitement started growing larger than it has in years. In only one hour we'll be in Port Angeles and Charlie will be waiting to pick us up. I truly cannot wait to see him again.
I never knew my father, never met him, never heard him. Just seen photos. As a child I latched onto Charlie whenever I saw him. Since I never knew what it was like to have a father, I considered Charlie to be the closest I'd ever get. I guess he fit my child like standards of what a father is supposed to be.
Y'know, cool job, piggyback rides, ice cream. That's all I wanted and he never failed me. I have memories of pulling on his hand and saying "uppies" until he'd pick me up and carry me around.
After everything he's still the most supportive of me, specifically the gender thing. He didn't even know what transgender meant, but all I had to do was tell him. He never had to read the pamphlets and see the doctors to support me.
"You've just always been a boy." He explained after I told him. Even though he struggled to find the words, I knew what he meant.
With his support, and the help of my best friend Adam, I told Renee and later Bella and Phil. It's odd being in a hospital room, in pain with my life falling apart around me, telling everyone I'm trans.
Luckily, Charlie explained to me on the phone that he told everyone in Forks what to call me. So I didn't have to worry about having to come out to Billy or anyone.
At the thought of phones and Adam I quickly took a pen from my backpack and wrote a reminder on my arm to call Adam tonight. It's been a few days since we've talked and I miss him.
The pilot announced that we were descending down to Port Angeles and within minutes we landed and started gathering our stuff. I held onto my backpack and watched as Bella chewed her lip anxiously.
"It's just Charlie," I reminded her softly. "I'll be there the whole time, you won't be alone with him. If it gets to quiet I'll start talking about school or something." I tried to calm my nervous friend.
Although I think she's being irrational, I understand. Sometimes people can't help what they fear or what they desire. Everyones feelings are valid because most of the time people don't want to feel that way in the first place.
I followed a stumbling Bella out of the plane ready to grab her arm if she tripped. I stood on my toes to look past her hear, trying to spot Charlie in the nonexistent crowd.
Damn, I've never seen an airport so empty. It wasn't hard to find Charlie because he's basically the only person that's standing still.
Bella reached Charlie first and he pulled her into a quick hug, "It's good to see you, Bells." His eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled.
"Declan!" He hugged me next and felt myself smiling as I hugged back with one arm. "You've gotten taller since I last seen you."
I laughed and adjusted my grip on my backpack, "I'm still short, Charlie. Let's not get ahead of ourselves."
"How's Renee?" He asked as he led us to the cruiser, Bella's bags fit in the trunk just fine. Mine sat in the back seat with me, I could almost laugh at the fact that it's not my first time in the back of a police car. It probably won't be my last either.
We made basic small talk during the hour drive to the town of Forks. I could practically see the weight lifted off Bella's shoulders when Charlie told her that he got her a car. I know she was intending on finding a car, she already explained her dislike to me about being driven around in the cruiser.
I just want her to be happy for once. She's always so serious, and now she chose to come here even though she's just making herself miserable. I wouldn't say she puts others before herself, but I think she's tries to. Renee is not benefiting from Bella being here, and as much as I hate to say it, I don't think Bella cares about Charlie's feelings that much. At least not yet, maybe living here will change that.
I let Bella and Charlie run through their awkward conversation about the car. I know I told Bella is step in if it got too awkward, but it's their first real conversation in years. Of course things will be awkward at first, things will go a lot better after a few days. I hope.
Growing up in the dirty streets of New York City, I can really appreciate the beauty of northwestern Washington. The tall green trees and the smell of the rain is something I only got to experience here. Its so mystical just being here makes me feel something. A pulling and tingling in my chest. My back ached when my nature compelled me to let myself go, to release and let the part of me that's always hidden out. I can't wait to go into the dense forests to explore.
When I was seven, my dream was to live in a treehouse with a pet raccoon. Nine years later, that still sounds pretty cool. Forks would be the best place for a tree house, the rain could be a struggle though.
We pulled up to Charlie's, well now our, house and I could see the old red truck in his driveway. I'm guessing that's Bella new car, it looks sturdy so that's promising. If i'm gonna ride with Bella to school I'd rather not die in a crash of some sort.
Charlie's house was always the same, the furniture always in the same spot, the same photos in the same frames. Since it's only a two bedroom house, my bedroom is the attic. I don't mind, it's the attic or sharing a room with Bella and neither of us want that.
It's been renovated so it's habitable, you still have to climb the ladder to get up their but that's kind of like a treehouse right? The peaked ceiling would be perfect for my posters and the support beams I'm going to wrap strings of lights around. There's a window on each side of the house so I can see the front yard and the back.
My boxes, that have been waiting here for weeks, were scattered across the room. I think Charlie attempted to separate and organize them. The boxes labeled clothes were next to the dresser and the boxes labeled art supplies were by the large desk. All my boxes filled with records have already been opened because Charlie was worried about them getting damaged through shipping.
I spent the rest of the evening unpacking my clothes and art supplies. I've been selling my paintings online for a few years, it's my only source of income since my anxiety is too bad for me to get a normal retail job. The idea of talking to people in some department store makes my palms feel sweaty.
School is another thing that makes me so anxious that it makes me feel nauseous. The school here is much smaller, there's only a few hundred students and I can't decide if that comforts me or terrifies me. Rumors will spread quicker and there's probably less of them so that means they last longer.
Bella and I are sure to be a spark of interest. The police chief's daughter coming home from the big city, and that trans kid that looks half dead. We are quite the duo.
Bella only wanted you to come with her so you'd be the bigger freak.
The intrusive thought was gone as soon as it came. Bella would never do something like that. For one, I could have eight eyes and whiskers and Bella would still think she's a bigger freak then me. She has this weird complex about herself, she thinks she's strange but I think she's entirely normal.
Secondly, Bella would never drag someone down with her. If Bella honestly thought I'd hate it here, she wouldn't have let me come. I can tell that she's been worrying about me a lot lately, more than usual.
She doesn't know why I had to move in with Renee, or why I was in the hospital. She doesn't know where my mother is, or what she did. It's just better that way.
I didn't want anyone to know, they only know what the police had to tell them. There's still a lot that I kept to myself. Sometimes people ask questions, but in the end, they don't want to know the answer. Either because they don't care or they care too much.
I watched as the sky grew darker and the house grew quiet. All I need to do was wait until everyone was in bed to get some relief. The ache in my back was nearly unbearable at this point. I could feel the internal masses pushing at the skin begging to be released and stretched.
It didn't take long to hear Charlie's snoring and, sadly, Bella's crying. Sometimes having great hearing is nothing but trouble, you always hear the things you wish you didn't.
Stepping over to the attic door, I crouched door and slid the small metal bars over to secure it closed. After making sure no one could open it, I moved back to the center of my room.
Impatiently, I tugged my shirt off and fought my way out of my tight binder taking a much needed deep breath. I closed my eyes and started relaxing my muscles.
Starting at my shoulders and slowly working my way down, soon my whole back was tingling. My heart speed up, I couldn't keep myself calm knowing the feeling of relief was finally coming.
With clenching fists and a tight jaw, I let my secret unfurl from the place it was so securely hidden.