|: Cigarettes and Candy :| Carlisle... - Chapter 10: Chapter 10

Declan's POV
I paced anxiously in my bedroom, waiting for a text from Carlisle signaling he's here. I'm feeling excited but at the same time I am terrified. I'm just excited to see him and talk to him.
I wish we didn't have to talk about me though, at least once it's done we won't need to talk about it again. I don't want to tell him everything but I'll tell him why I'm here, why I don't have my own family.
Hopefully, Carlisle can just listen to what I need to say and then move on. I'd hate to dwell on every small detail, and I better not cry. If I cry in front of him I'll never be able to face him again.
I decided to busy myself by working on the painting I started this morning. It's a simple landscape, with lots of trees and a waterfall.
I got my paints on my palette and moved my stool out of my way so I could stand. I slowly painted the small details of the water and tried to relax. After each brushstroke I became more and more absorbed in my painting.
It didn't take long for the world around me to melt away as I put my attention solely into my work. My anxiety was still there, it always is, but my worries about Carlisle diminished away.
He's not going to lose his mind, if anything he'll just be really sad. Everyone had different reactions when they found out. Charlie was furious and Adam was in shock at how bad my mother truly was. Then there was Renee, she just cried for days.
I was so lost in my painting that a I almost didn't notice my phone vibrating at my side. I picked it up and saw the text from Carlisle. He's here, and my worries cam flooding back. My rationality flew out the window and all my fears came flooding back.
I put my paintbrush down and carefully set my palette down next to it. I wiped my hands on a nearby rag and went over to my small attic door.
When I reached the backdoor I took one last deep breath and pulled it open. I rushed outside and went down the few stairs to grab the man's wrist and pull him inside.
The coolness of his skin and the metal of his watch felt like the same temperature. I've learned that, their skin isn't cold it's room temperature. They don't produce cold, their skin just stays the temperature as the space around them. It just feels cold to us because we are so warm.
"Hello, Declan." He softly greeted as I pulled him through the kitchen. "I brought some painkillers for you, if your nose is sore."
"I think I'm okay." I told him as I dragged him up the stairs.
I let go of him once we reached the ladder and I climbed up and made my way back to my desk. I heard a small creek signaling the door closing.
I felt him move to my side and I looked at him. He reached up to inspect my nose again and I pulled away with a wince.
"Dude, stop that hurts." I scolded.
He narrowed his eyes, "you said you felt okay."
"I know but it still hurts when you touch it." I explained, reaching a hand up to rub the bridge of my nose.
"I'm sorry." He apologized as he moved to sit on my bed.
I sighed and turned back to my painting. I picked my brush up and swirled it in some teal paint.
"What do you want to know?" I asked, after a few brush strokes.
I heard him shift. "Everything. However, first, I'd like to know why you're here. How did you end up here? Where are your parents?"
"Okay," I huffed. "It's a long and heavy story, just, try not to freak out or anything."
I peaked at him and he nodded.
Turning back to my painting, I wondered if there was a way to go about this without telling him what my mom did. I decided that there wasn't, he needs to know. I need and want to explain myself.
"Well, I guess to start, you need to know that my mom has psychosis. Most of her delusions and hallucinations were religion related. She thought she was some sort of prophet, and she always had to do what they told her too." I explained.
I stayed silent for a moment and mixed a new shade of teal, a little bit lighter and more green. I thought about where to go next, there's years of shit that happened. I should just stick with the ending.
"We lived a very odd life together. All our water was holy water and each doorway had a small cross charm hung from it." I began. "She was obsessed with keeping me clean and pure. She would do whatever it takes to keep me pure, whatever they wanted her to do."
I paused and turned my head to look Carlisle. His face was one of pure worry and pity. His eyes were wide and his hands were wrung together.
"It's bad, isn't it?" He asked, his lips pouted slightly.
I gritted my teeth and nodded. "She did lots of different things but the worse was the whipping."
I heard him let out a heavy and swift breath. Closing his eyes tightly he nodded pitifully.
"One day she took it took it too far, the neighbors heard my screaming and called the police. They came and saw what they saw and arrested my mom and rushed me to the hospital." I continued. "When I woke up, Adam and Charlie we already there waiting for me."
I wiped my hands with a rag and moved to sit next to Carlisle as my eyes watered. I pulled my legs up to my chest and exhaled heavily.
I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry.
"Bella's mom let me move in with her, then when Bella decided to move here I wanted to go with her." I explained. "So that's it, that's why I'm here and why I can't live with my parents."
I blinked my tears away the best that I could and then looked at him. I didn't want him to know I was about to cry, I don't cry in front of other people. I haven't since that day I woke up in the hospital.
His jaw was tense but his eyes were soft. "Where is she? Where is your mother?"
My throat clenched as I thought of my mother all alone in prison. After everything she did to me I still care so much about her. I can't help it. She made me this way.
"Prison." I said, trying to ignore the hurt sound of my voice.
He nodded again and patted my knee, "good. That's where she should be, Declan. Don't feel guilty."
"How could I not feel guilty?" I choked. "She's my mother, and now she's in prison because of me!"
I let out a small sob and tried to bury my face into my knees to silence it. I felt Carlisle place a hand on my shoulder and squeeze slightly.
He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to his side. "You did nothing wrong, Declan. She's in prison because of her own actions, you did nothing wrong." He repeated in a comforting voice.
I just sobbed again and clutched my own chest. I can't believe I'm crying in front of him like this, I never should have let him inside.
"What's wrong with me," I sobbed. "I feel sympathy for a woman who nearly killed me."
He pulled me closer to him. "This is normal behavior for abused children, they blame themselves. It's not your fault, please understand that."
My sobs became more frequent and I hugged myself tighter and leaned into Carlisle.
"There you go, let it out, it's okay now. I won't let anyone hurt you again." Carlisle's words of comfort just made me cry even harder.
I haven't cried like this in so long, not since i woke up in the hospital. Now, I'm sobbing like a toddler in front of Carlisle. This is incredibly embarrassing, how am I supposed to face him after this.
I moved my feet to the floor and collapsed onto Carlisle's lap with a weak sob. I gripped his thigh with my paint covered hands and shook.
"It's okay," he soothed. "Just let it out."
I spent, who knows how long, sobbing on Carlisle's lap. With him rubbing my shoulders and petting my hair, I allowed myself to feel comforted.
A wave of drowsiness flowed over me and the next thin I knew, I was fast asleep with Carlisle still petting my hair.
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I tossed and turned before I woke. The discomfort in my spine and chest become to much to ignore. I don't want to move, my eyes burn and my throat is aching. I feel so worn out from crying and from being open and honest.
When I finally sat up, I realized I was alone in my room. Carlisle was long gone and I was tucked into my bed sheets. I noticed that I was still wearing my binder, that's where the pain is coming from.
I stood up and pulled off my hoodie and struggled out of my binder. Quickly, I released my wing and let out a sigh of relieve.
Sitting down on the floor, I stretched my spine and shoulders. Desperate for some relief in my muscles, I laid down flat on the cold wooden floor.
I looked back and saw the paper on the edge of my nightstand. I sat up and reached for the piece of folded paper.
It's a note from Carlisle explaining when he left and why. The elegant handwriting said to call him when I wake up, but I don't think he expected me to be awake at this hour. Plus, I need to talk to Adam.
I haven't had a good talk with Adam in a while, and I need his advice. I always need him, it doesn't matter how many friends I make. I'll always need Adam.
I stood from my spot on the floor and sat on the edge of my bed, the same place I was crying only a few hours ago. I reached for my cell phone on my nightstand and put the small note next to my bedside lamp.
I hoped that Adam would answer at this late hour and pressed his contact and listened to the dial tone.
He picked up and there was the sound of some rustling, "hello? Dec? You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just wanted to talk to you." I paused. "I miss you."
"Awe, Dude. I miss you too." He yawned. "That was so sweet, I think I can't forget how late it is."
"I'm sorry," I apologized. "I did warn you though, I told you I would start calling you late at night."
I heard his chuckle and I smiled, I knew he would make me feel better. I could always trust Adam to brighten my mood. All the years we've known each other, he's been my main source of joy. He's my support system.
"You did warn me, you're right." He admitted.
I cleared my throat a few times, "anyway, I wanted to talk to you about my other friends."
"What's up?" He said causally, "you know you can talk to me about anything."
Playing with a loose string on my pants, I thought about Carlisle again. Fuck, I hope I didn't scare him away.
"I, uh, I told my friend about my mom." I stuttered. My voice sounded scared and weak.
Adam was silent for a few seconds, "wow. I mean, I didn't think you would ever talk about that."
"Me too, honestly." I sighed, "I regret it though. I regret telling my friend about what she did."
"Why?" He questioned. "Why do you regret it? How did your friend react?"
Of course he would ask me why. Adam always needs to know the truth and he always knows how to get it out of me.
"No, Carlisle was fine. He was perfectly okay. It's just," I chewed my lip. "It's just, how am I supposed to face him after this?"
"What do you mean? You told me about Carlisle, you said he was the kindest person you've ever met." I could hear the confusion in his voice.
His genuine confusion reminds me how much he cares. I woke him up and it's not his problem but he still is ready to help. He takes care of me like I'm his own, I could never repay him.
"Yeah, Carlisle is great but I'm embarrassed. Plus, what if he treats me differently? I don't want him to treat me like I'm fragile or like I'm already broken." My words became harsher as I grew more and more upset.
I stood and started pacing, my wings pulling close around me for warmth and comfort. The hand that wasn't holding my phone stayed in a fist at my side.
I thought it was a good idea to tell Carlisle but now nearly every part of me regrets it. Will he tell the other Cullens? I can't see him doing that but it's basically impossible to for him to keep secrets with Edwards power.
"Don't be embarrassed," Adam scolded. "Now, why would he treat you like you are fragile? If anything, he should know how tough you are. You put up with so much and you tried to take care of your mother all by yourself. You are not fragile, Declan."
My pacing stopped, "I just don't want to be treated like a damsel in distress."
Adams voice was just a whisper, "you're a man, Declan, and you won't let him treat you as anything else. Remember that."
I thought about his words, ultimately he's right. I wouldn't put up with Carlisle or anyone if they treated me a way I didn't like. They'd be cut out of my life if they keep treating me poorly.
What if I am broken? All this time I've been convincing myself that I'm not but what if I am. Everything I've been through has worn me out, what if I'm unable to take care of myself? What if I'm am just a damsel, a fucking damsel, in distress.
No.
I know my worth and I refuse to be treated as less than it. I am not broken, I am simply a hurt child who needs to heal.
"Thank you, Adam." I ran a hand through my messy hair. "You always know exactly what I need to hear."
"I do," I could hear his smile and I wish I could see it in person. "I'm always here for you, Declan, don't you forget that."
My eyes felt wet and the familiar burning sensation came back. "I won't, I know you're there. That's why I always come running when I need you."
"Can I go back to bed now?" He laughed, the sound comforting and predicable.
"Yeah, go away, I'm tired." I moved back to my bed, taking a seat. I stretched my wings as wide as I could and took a deep breath.
I heard some shifting, "Fine, I'll go, you better get some good sleep."
I looked down at my socked feet shyly, "I love you."
"I love you too, Dec." He sighed sleepily, "get some rest."
"Goodnight, Adam, I'll talk to you later." I hung up and put my phone back on my nightstand.
I laid back against my sheets and thought about how sensitive I can be. Especially about Carlisle. I can't help it, I feel things for him. Things I've never felt before. Does he feel the same way?
Of course not! He shouldn't. I'm just a kid, he's a grown man. I shouldn't feel the way I feel either but I can't seem to stop. I can't stop thinking about him and I keep wishing to see him. It's wrong, but I can't help it. It won't stop.
Every time I see him I just want to tell him him how wonderful he is. How I adore the way he scratches the side of the books he's reading. How proud of him I am for remaining so kind after everything he's been through. I want him to know that I am infatuated with him. I want him to know I care deeply about him.
But I can't. I can't say that to him, not now at least. Does he even feel the same? I know he cares but does he care about me the same way he cares for his family? Or does he care for me like I care for him?
Here I am asking myself the same question, would he wait for me?
Slowly, my tiredness caught up to me. I stayed right where I was, my wings spread out to my sides and let the darkness take me in.
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The trees blurred as Charlie drove down the road on our way to the hospital to pick up my prescriptions. The doctor Carlisle recommended had no problem with filling them. Charlie parked the cruiser and then his phone ran and his radio went off at the same time.
He looked at me sympathetically. "I need to take this."
"I'll to the pharmacy by myself." I unbuckled my seatbelt. "I can handle that, Charlie."
"Alright, I'll be in as soon as this call is taken care of." He promised.
I nodded and got out of the car, closing the door softly behind me. Being the chief is a job worth your pride but it's hard. Every small problem the police force have, they call Charlie to let him know. He's constantly on the clock.
Walking to the hospital, I zigzagged around the large puddles in the parking lot. I entered through the large doors and followed the signs until I found the pharmacy.
I feel as if someone is watching me, my mind raced as I realized that it's not sunny so Carlisle is definitely here. Even if it is sunny, he usually finds a way to get in without people seeing him. His job isn't like school, you can't just not show up.
As I stood waiting at the desk I heard the footsteps approaching. The sound was familiar and I knew who was coming.
"Hello, Declan." His always gentle voice spoke from my side.
I looked at him, he's wearing a dark grey shirt today, it looks good. "Hey, Dude."
He rolled his eyes and scoffed. "Don't call me 'dude', I don't like that."
I chuckled at that statement. "Well, okay, I respect that."
He looked around us quickly, "Edward and I found those men from last night. They're in jail, well, except for the one you stabbed."
I froze up, "you know about that?"
"Edward and I were determined to find those men, I found one bleeding and Edward told me what you did." He explained.
"Fuck, I'm- Im sorry. I know I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry." I stuttered.
"You did what you needed to do, don't be sorry." He spoke sincerely.
I nodded and reached out to poke his stomach, "thanks for finding those guys, now I don't have too."
He smiled and turned to lean his back against the wall next to the counter. Putting both hands into his pockets, his facial expression changed to one of concern.
"Are you okay? After last night, I became worried." He questioned.
There it is, that's what I was worried about.
"I'm fine," I hissed. "Everything's fine, don't worry about me."
My tone attracted his gaze, his eyes slightly narrowed in confusion. "Of course, I'm going to worry. I care about you."
I sighed heavily, and leaned my elbows on the tall counter. There's no one close enough to hear our conversation but surely people can see us. I have to keep looking causal.
"I don't want you to worry. I hate that, I don't want you upset." I explained.
He turned to the side, resting his broad shoulder against the pale hospital wall. "I am upset, I will not lie to you." He admitted.
"I just don't want you to think about it anymore, I don't want you to treat me any differently. I'm not fragile, you don't need to worry. If you can't do that then just forget about what I told you." I am aware I'm being moody and irrational but I spent most of the night crying, so I'm excusing my behavior.
"I will not treat you any differently, I know I can't do that." Carlisle began, his voice lowering. "I wish I could protect you from the whole world but I know I can't, and you can't stand there and tell me not to care."
I know my face had to look pouty, I could feel the heaviness. Why does he have to say such kind things, it just makes me feel for him more. Can't he tell I'm struggling?
He stepped the smallest bit closer and his voice became a whisper. "I care about you, Declan. I care deeply. I'm going to worry about you."
I looked away from him, trying to contain all the feelings I have. He needs to stop talking so sweetly before I cry again.
"Why are we arguing? You worry about everything." I rested my chin on the heel of my hand, my knuckles digging into my cheek.
He laughed and patted my shoulder, a familiar gesture that I've grown to enjoy. "I do, you're right." He paused, taking his hand away from me. "Charlie is coming."
I straighten up and looked around Carlisle's shoulder and waved Charlie over. He looks worried, I wonder why.
"Hello, Charlie." Carlisle reached out a hand to his shoulder and my chest might've clenched a little bit.
Y'know when someone is really kind to you and you think they like you, but then you realize they're that kind to everyone. Yeah, that's what's I'm feeling.
"Carlisle," Charlie greeted, "I needed to see you actually."
"What was the call for?" I asked before Carlisle could.
Charlie hesitated, "another suspected animal attack."
I grew more concerned when I remembered, that this isn't a animal attack. It's something more. I don't know what, but I know it's not just an animal.
Carlisle nodded sullenly. "I'll go gather my things, I'll meet you at the police station."
He turned to me and patted my shoulder again, "it was nice to see you again, Declan."
Carlisle nodded to Charlie and then turned and walked down the hallway. I turned back to the pharmacy as the pharmacist handed me my bags.
"Perfect timing," I muttered. "Okay," I turned to Charlie, "let's go."
"I'm taking you home, you shouldn't go to the station right now." Charlie led me out of the hospital.
I nodded as I got into the car, I understand why Charlie doesn't want me to know to much about the attacks. I'm curious and not to be trusted.
"Promise me one thing?" He began, "stay out of the woods."
"Of course, Charlie." I said, "I'm not stupid, the woods are dangerous."
He nodded and started the car, once again the trees began to blur. All the green melting together into one beautiful scene.
Charlie is so desperate to keep me away from all the danger and the attacks. I wonder if he would think differently after he learned what I am. If he learned that I'm the danger in the woods, I'm the voices you hear in the forest.
I suddenly remembered that I need to feed soon, the thirst and desire becoming more of a problem as each day passes. My yearning for blood was making it hard to concentrate or eat regular food. It could be why I've been so emotional and irritable.
I promised myself I'd feed soon and then pushed the thought of blood out of my mind the best I could.