|: Cigarettes and Candy :| Carlisle... - Chapter 20: Chapter 20

Declan's POV.
The Cullens didn't show up at school the next day, or the day after. Usually, I wouldn't be worried but when they started dodging my calls I grew concerned. They've never avoided me before, I don't want to admit that my feelings are hurt.
Whatever's going on, I fear for the worst. Bella's gone missing, did they take her? I haven't seen her since after school when she followed Edward to the woods. Did he take her? Did he change her or dump her? I don't know.
The police cars are outside our house along with many of Charlie's friends ready to help look for his daughter. Even some boys from the reservation came to help find Bella. Being surrounded by so many worried faces is making me feel terrified.
There's also been talk about large bears in the forest, Charlie has been keeping an eye on it. If Bella is lost in the forest like everyone's thinking, what if the bears get to her? She'd be completely defenseless, there's no way she would survive.
Charlie, Harry Clearwater, Jacob Black, and I are all stood around a map marking out where the search parties are going to go first. Many men are standing with their hunting rifles cocked and ready. Why? I don't know.
I brought my fingers to my mouth to start biting my nails, a dirty nervous habit I still have from when I was a child. My head whipped around as I looked at all the groups waiting to head off to search for Bella. I'm growing dizzy and panicked every passing moment.
Stepping away from the group of men by Charlie's police car, I pulled my phone out my pocket. I moved to the front porch and looked around to make sure no one was close enough to hear me.
I quickly dialed Carlisle brought my phone to my ear. I waited as it rang and rang, each second passing made me more pissed off. He's avoiding me, he always answers when I call.
The phone beeped for me to leave a message and I sighed heavily.
"Carlisle," I started. "Bella is missing, I have no idea what's going on. I don't even know where you guys are. Just let me know if you guys took her or changed her."
I huffed out a harsh breath and looked around me once more. "Carlisle, I swear to god if I don't hear from you soon I will find you and you won't be happy when I do."
I hung up and thought about the the messages I've left for him in the past two days. I practically went though the five stages of grief when I realized he was avoiding me. I've left him some of the most pathetic messages, begging and pleading for him not to do this to me.
Honestly, I should've known. I should've known that everything was about to fall apart. Edward is crushed by what had happened at Bella's birthday party, of course he would disappear. However why are all the other Cullen's vanishing too?
I guess from what I've learned about Carlisle in the past months, it's not a huge surprise that Edward could convince him that things would be better this way.
Carlisle definitely has some self esteem issues. He, just like Edward, angsts about his soul and things like heaven and hell. I know he feels like no matter what he does he is still a monster. It pains me to know that he worries about things like that.
Yet, I've never brought up my real opinions on the topic of an afterlife or heaven or hell. I guess since my opinion differs from Carlisle's I've figured it was a conversation we didn't need to have. I respect what others believe of course, but I really wish what Carlisle believes didn't cause him so much anxiety.
Shaking my head to bring myself back to reality, I stepped off the porch steps and moved swiftly back to Charlie. I slid my smaller frame between Charlie and Harry and looked back at the map.
Then I heard distant heavy footsteps in the direction I last saw Bella. My head snapped to my left to look at the tree line. I resisted every urge to sprint over that way. The footsteps grew closer and closer until the figure broke through the heavy trees.
"I've got her!" The tall man called, and in his arms was a limp Bella.
Suddenly all heads turned in the direction of the man's voice, a few of the men called out different things to the others in the groups.
"Is that Sam Uley?" Jacob questioned as the Charlie rushed over to the man.
I ran to catch up with Charlie and called out Bella's name in joy when I saw her face. Her eyes were open but they seemed to be out of focus. Her clothes and hair were wet and dirty and I winced as I noticed her shivering.
Charlie eagerly took Bella into his arms and I wanted to step towards him and support her weight as I saw him struggle. He quickly carried Bella into the warm house and placed her on the couch. Harry got a few thick blankets from the hall closet and tossed them to Charlie who wrapped them around Bella quickly.
I stayed in the kitchen doorway and watch as a local doctor examined Bella. I quickly pulled my cell phone out of my pocket to check my messages. My frown deepened as I discovered that Carlisle hasn't called me or texted me. He's never been so distant before, he knows that my mind goes to the worst places when I don't hear from him in a while.
Maybe this is his way of letting me know that the worst is happening. Maybe he's dropping hints that every anxious thought I've had since that first missed call is true.
No. I need to talk to Bella. She talked to Edward earlier today, he must've told her something. She has to know what's going on.
I stayed close to Bella but there was never a chance to have her alone. We can't talk about what really happened with Charlie and his friends around. I need her alone but now is not a good time for that.
Soon after the doctor deemed Bella as fine, Charlie somehow carried Bella up the stairs to her room. I stayed downstairs on Charlie's recliner, watching as most of the people who came to help left. The only people who stayed behind are Harry Clearwater, Jacob Black, and I guess his name is Sam Uley.
Letting my eyes drift closed, I tried to let the voices of the men fade away. The past few days have been so stressful, I've been getting more and more worried every passing hour. Especially since I haven't heard from the Cullen's.
I could understand if Carlisle was suddenly in a mood and decided to ignore me, but every single one of them refuses to talk to me. Clearly they've had some sort of family meeting and decided that ignoring Declan was a good idea.
My mind suddenly went back to the conversation Jasper and I had. When he told me that he feared the Cullen's were going to ask him to leave. I swear to god if the kicked Jasper out of the family I will riot.
I kept my eyes closed as I heard Charlie shuffle down the stairs. I heard him stop at the bottom of the staircase before turning and walking towards me. I opened my eyes and looked over at him as he crouched down next to the arm of the recliner.
"Hey Declan," he murmured gently. "You should go to bed, you look exhausted."
I nodded, "yeah, you're right Charlie. I wanted to talk to Bella but I guess I can see her tomorrow."
With an answered nod, he stood up. I reached an arm out to Charlie and he grabbed my hand to help me stand.
With a tired wave to Harry Clearwater, I walked up the stairs with heavy feet. When I reached the attic ladder, I sighed before climbing up and closing the latch behind me. I locked the little door so that I knew no one would come up and disturb me.
I flopped on my bed and quickly kicked my boots off before curling up in a ball on my side. Not even nothing to take off my binder or my jeans I closed my eyes with the intention of sleeping.
Now that I'm alone with nothing but my overwhelming thoughts, I can feel myself getting worked up. I'm not typically so sensitive, but being ignored and avoided by the Cullen's the past few days has really hurt my feelings.
I know logically that I haven't done anything wrong. It's because of what happened at Bella's party but that doesn't make me feel any better. It hurts knowing that they've planned on cutting out Bella and I.
When my eyes started tearing up though, I decided fuck them. Fuck them for hurting my feelings and fuck them for ignoring me when Bella was missing. I need their help and their comfort and they abandoned me. I won't let myself cry over them.
I don't know if I fell asleep or if I just laid their but my phone vibrating caught my attention. Mostly because I knew Adam would be sleeping by now, it has to be a Cullen.
I rolled onto my back and hesitated on pulling my phone out of my pocket. Should I just ignore whichever Cullen it is? They've pushed me away, why would I let them back in so quickly?
Losing the battle, I shifted to get my phone out of my back pocket and I checked my messages. I stared at the name for a long second. A text from Carlisle, the one who I'm the most angry with.
May I come in? It read.
Sitting up quickly, I put it together that he is outside. I moved my feet over the edge of my bed and debated telling him no. I really wanna talk to him though, I want to tell him off. I need to tell him that he hurt me.
I stood and listened to the floor creak as I walked over to the attic door. I tried to climb down the ladder and down the stairs as quietly as possible. When I reached the back door, I paused. Do I really want to see him right now? I mean, I really needed him and he wasn't there for me.
I never thought Carlisle would do something so mean. He's always been so kind and reliable. Whenever I needed him or even just wanted to see him or talk to him, he was there. If he was busy or at work he would always text me to let me know that he wasn't ignoring me.
It was always so important to him that we communicated and we always told each other the truth. Everything is different now.
I bit my lip and reached for the doors handle. Hesitantly, I opened the door just to see a disheveled Carlisle.
His pale blue button up shirt was wrinkled, and his hair was messy. Usually I didn't mind when his hair got a bit ruffled, because I like messing it up. He always has it neatly combed back and I liked to take my hand and mush it all forwards just to annoy him.
His face was tortured to say the least. He looked ashamed and saddened. I'm so used to seeing his eyes shine with happiness and seeing him unhappy is hard for me.
After looked him up and down with a frown, I crossed my arms over my chest. Turning around, I started my quiet walk back up to my room. I heard the back door clock closed behind me as Carlisle followed.
I didn't turn to look at Carlisle until I heard him close the attic door behind him. It was hard to keep my face firm and angry seeing him so upset. All I want to do is hug him and comfort him, but I refuse to offer my sympathy until I get an explanation.
We looked at each other silently for too long. His sad eyes staying on my face making me feel small and nervous.
"I sent you dozens of texts, and I left you voicemails." I began. "You're ignoring me."
He winced, "no, no. I-" he sighed heavily and ran his hands over his face. "Dec, I'm so sorry."
I blinked rapidly in shock. His voice is so broken, it sounds like he's crying or like he's been crying.
My hand went up to my chest over my heart as it hammered. "Carlisle, you're scaring me so fucking bad."
He sat on the foot of my bed, "I know, I'm sorry." He practically whimpered.
I watched him slouch and take shaky breaths into his hands. I went to move closer to him before I stopped myself, I need to know what's happening first. Before I forgive him, I need to make sure something like this won't happen again.
"It's been days Carlisle, you've ignored me for-" I shook my head. "No, forget that. Bella was missing, and you weren't here to help find her. You wouldn't even answer my messages then."
With his face still in his hands, he nodded.
I tightened my jaw and went to my bedside table to turn on the lamp. Next to my picture of Adam and I now sits a picture of me and Jasper when we went to a small music show a few months ago in June. Seeing his face made me wonder where he's been, is he still at the Cullen's house?
"So you have nothing to say?" I asked the man at the foot of my bed. "No excuses? Why are you even here, Carlisle?"
He straightened and his hands fisted. Turned his head to look at me with those pain filled eyes he said, "We're leaving."
My breathing stopped as my hands began trembling from the overwhelming emotions I feel. Out of all the outcomes I envisioned, that was the worst of them. I heavily sat down on the side of my bed and watched my shaking hands.
"My family and I talked about it, and we can't stay here any longer." Carlisle continued, his voice steadier then it has been all night.
My shoulder slouched at the chain around my neck seemed to burn. "I thought I was your family."
He was suddenly seated next to me and reaching for my hand, "Declan-"
"Don't touch me!" I hissed as I stood. "Don't you ever fucking touch me."
He stood and stepped closer to me causing me to take another step back. "Dec-"
"You're just gonna leave the first time things get hard?" I stressed. "Things have been going so well and you think you can just leave?!"
My eyes burned with tears I will never let fall. I will not cry for Carlisle Cullen anymore, he doesn't fucking deserve it. Reaching my hands up to my hair, I tugged on the strands out of stress.
My fingers found the rubberband on my wrist almost instinctively, I pulled it and snapped it against my skin to try and fend off the panic attack.
"No, no." Carlisle was in front of me in a flash, swiftly pulling the rubberband off my wrist. "Don't hurt yourself like that sweetheart."
I gasped at his cold touch as he held my left hand between his own, the rubberband still on his fingers. Yanking my hand away I rushed to my window and pushed it open, needing to feel the fresh air on my face.
After breathing in the cool night air for half a minute, my panic and devastation turned to anger. My face started to feel even hotter and my ears burned. My hands formed into shaking fists and I turned to look back at Carlisle.
"Why?" I snapped. "Whats the reason?"
He seemed taken aback by my sudden change in mood. Looking down at his sleeve he furrowed his brows.
"It's not safe for Bella or for my family for us to be involved with each other. Bella's not safe with us around, and if the Volturi find out about what we've done my whole family could be in danger." He explained, "Declan, we cannot be here any more."
I turned back towards the window, I couldn't stand looking at him anymore. I attempted to relax my jaw and tense my muscles. The last thing I want to do is get hysterical again. I need to handle this like an adult now.
"I- we- uhm", He stuttered.
I snapped my head in his direction at his struggle, he never has such a hard time getting his words out. Is this new revelation somehow worse then them all leaving Bella and I?
"What? What is it now?" I asked, my tone harsh and impatient.
"We are changing our contact information," he spoke almost too quickly to understand. "We are cutting off all contact from you and Bella."
I gaped at him, crossing my arms over my aching chest. "So we can't even be fucking pen pals?"
"I'm so -" I cut him off.
"Yeah, you're sorry." I stepped closer to him, looking up at his torn face. "How could you just leave and cut me out like this? I though we were- Carlisle, I thought you cared about me?"
His eyes became so much softer and filled with hurt. Looking at his face became too much and I had to step back. I took the few steps towards my desk and looked at my messy paintbrushes and pencils.
"I care for you so deeply, Declan. You know that." He moved to my side and placed his hand on my shoulder to make me look at him.
Shaking my head, I looked down at the floor. I can't stand listening to him or looking at him right now.
A finger under my chin lifted my eyes back to his, "Declan, I love y-"
I pulled away from him so fast you'd think he was on fire, "don't you dare say that! Get out!"
Pain shot through my whole body and I briefly wondered if this is what it feels like to die.
His eyes widened at my hissed whispers, I don't think I've ever spoken with so much venom in my voice in my whole life. I took a few steps away from him, needing distance between our bodies.
In a moment of nothing but pure rage, I reached around my neck and pulled off my Cullen crest necklace. I looked at the crest in my palm for a second before throwing it at Carlisle's chest. He caught it easily, his face still portraying nothing but shock.
"Get. Out." I spat. "Now!"
He nodded seemingly in understanding. "I'm sorry for everything. I just want you to know that this is the last time you'll see me, and I won't try to contact you in any way."
I shook my head again, "no. See this is what's going to happen."
I stepped around him and back to my window. "In maybe a few years at most, you guys are going to wonder about how we're doing. Edward will want to check on Bella, you'll be curious as to what happened to me. Overall you all will want to know if we're safe."
"And when you think of sending me an email or calling me, hell, even if you just want to look at me from a distance without ever telling me. Don't!" I spoke with the stinging venom again.
I heard his footsteps as he slowly walked towards the attic door. I turned to look him, wanting to make sure he leaves. He was looking at the little door and biting his bottom lip.
At my silence, he looked back up at me. I could see him studying me, it felt like he wanted to say more. However nothing he could say would change this.
"I think," I started, my voice much softer and filled with sadness. "I never want to see you again. Any of you."
It was then I realized I wouldn't even get to say goodbye. Not to Jasper, not even to Esme. My heart ached for Esme, there's no way that she wanted this. There's no way that she didn't fight this.
My hands came up to my throat as it burned from holding back a sob. I need to be alone, right now. I need him to leave. For good.
"Just go," I whimpered. "Tell Jasper I'm sorry, tell Esme that I love her."
When he nodded, I turned away from him. I want him to leave but I can't stand watching him go. Knowing this is the last time I'll ever see him, I can't stand it.
The last memory I'll have of him will be this. It will be me seeing him hurting and messy, it will be me telling him to go away. I'll never forget this night, and I'll always remember how good it was with Carlisle.
I heard the attic door creak as it opened, "goodbye, Declan."
Quickly covering my mouth to silence a sob, I stayed with my eyes focused out my window. I don't want him to hear me cry, he shouldn't know that I'm hurting.
However, when the attic door gently clicked closed a sob escaped from my lips. My hand on the windowsill was the only thing that kept me standing as my legs buckled.
Once again, without removing my binder or my jeans I crawled onto my bed. I shook as I climbed under my handful of blankets. Carlisle always used to make fun of me for how many blankets and pillows I sleep with. He thought my nesting was amusing.
Shaking and sobbing into on of my pillows, I pulled the blankets over my head. The thought of tomorrow seemed overwhelming, like that's when reality will really set in. When I wake up and he's really gone. When I wake up and my Cullen crest necklace is really gone, and when I have to face a destroyed Bella.
After a lot of crying, I debated going downstairs to wake up Charlie. I could tell him that I had a bad dream and didn't want to be alone. I've done that before, then I wouldn't be stuck here alone listening to my own crying.
My room started getting brighter when I finally started drifting off to sleep. I sniffled and rolled around under my blankets in an attempt to feel more comfortable, but my binder hurts and my chest is aching. Yet I have no will to take it off.
The birds outside were singing as if my whole world didn't just fall apart. It's nothing but a reminder that no matter what life keeps going.