|: Cigarettes and Candy :| Carlisle... - Chapter 21: Chapter 21

Declan's POV.
I woke up to the feeling of a hand on my back lightly shaking me. I could feel the warmth of the hand through my blankets and I burrowed deeper into my blanket pile. I'm not ready to face the day. I'm not ready to move on.
"Declan?" Charlie's gruff morning voice broke the silence. "Are you awake?"
He carefully pulled the blanket off from over my head and I rolled over to look at him. My eyes were sore from crying and I could only imagine how bad I look. I watched as his eyebrows furrowed and concern filled his eyes.
"Hey, Bud. What's wrong?" His palm rested softly on my forehead, "are you sick?"
In the moment I realized how awful I feel, my binder is still on and my spine and ribs are throbbing. My whole face hurts and my eyes are burning and dry. I swallowed and felt the ache in my throat.
"I really don't feel good today, Charlie." I admitted, my voice sounding strained and weak.
Using my hands to support my weight, I sat up. I pushed most of my blankets off me and groaned as my back stretched.
"Physically or mentally?" He asked moving over to give me more space on my bed.
I shrugged, I really don't feel like telling him that I cried for hours last night. I'm sure he can tell just by looking at me that I had a rough night.
"That's okay," he shrugged in answering. "I'm keeping you and Bella home from school today."
With a nod I looked around my room, everything looks normal. What hurts is the fact that I can see small evidence of the Cullen's are still here. A book with a business card hanging out of it to mark the page Jasper left off on when he was here last. A few pictures of me with Alice and Rosalie pinned on the wall over my desk. Even the sweater and scarf I borrowed from Carlisle the other day are still here.
Charlie stood with a sigh, "get changed and come downstairs to get something to drink. I can make you some breakfast if you'd like."
Another answering nod, I pushed off all my blankets and stood up. I reached my hands above my head for a stretch and groaned again as my spine cracked.
"Make sure you take off that, uh, binding thing." He pointed at me, "I know your not supposed to wear it for that long."
I couldn't even bring myself to argue with him, he's right though. I have been binding for far too long, my ribs are screaming. The last thing I need right now is bruised ribs.
Charlie carefully climbed down the ladder out of my room and I pulled off my shirt. I strained to get off my binder and let out a loud sigh when it finally came off. Dropping it on the floor, I stepped to my desk chair.
The navy sweater and scarf were draped across the back of it carefully. I placed my hand on the soft material. Another thing I always appreciated about Carlisle is how soft his clothes always were. When ever I hugged him, my cheek rubbed against his soft sweater or t shirt.
Gritting my teeth, I grabbed the sweater and scarf and threw them into the corner of my room. They fell to the floor behind a lamp, and I decided to let them collect dust. I never want to see anything of his again. I don't want to be reminded of how good is was to have him around.
Tearing my eyes away from the clothing, I moved to my dresser and grabbed a hoodie. After pulling it on, I grabbed a pillow from my bed and hugged it to my chest to cover it. Leaving my attic, I decided against going to the bathroom to wash my face or even check the mirror.
I slowly walked down the stairs with my pillow held close. I heard Charlie shuffling around in the kitchen and I followed the noise. I turned into the room and sat roughly down on the nearest chair. Laying my head down on the table, I held my pillow tighter for comfort.
Carlisle's voice was echoing through my head. His finally goodbye and his attempt to get out the words 'I love you'.
We've never said that to each other before. I've told Esme that I love her, maybe an I love you slipped out for Alice or Rosalie, but never with Carlisle. It was always so different and serious. I feel differently towards him then I do for the others.
If I wanted to tell him that I love him it would be unlike any other I love you I've ever said. It's not right to call what Carlisle and I had a romance, cause it really wasn't. Not yet at least. It was just a very deep and profound bond.
Telling Esme I love her was like telling Adam I love him and I love Alice and Rosalie much like I love Bella. I've never felt the same about anyone as I feel about Carlisle.
Or I guess, felt about Carlisle. It'll be easier to tell myself that my admiration and respect are gone. I won't harbor feelings for a man who so easily left me.
I heard Charlie put something down on the table near my head so I sat up and looked at him. His eyes were still very filled with honest concern, I hate that I'm worrying him so much. Especially after what happened to Bella last night.
He gestured to a glass of water on the table, "drink that before you have any coffee."
I tried to smile weakly, "I'm not hungover Charlie."
He sat in the chair to my right, "you look worse then hungover."
I reached for the cold glass and brought it to my lips carefully sipping the water. The first swallow brought instant relief to my sore throat. I could feel Charlie watching me and the weight of his stare was making me uncomfortable.
Putting the glass back down I looked up at him. My mind raced to try and figure out what I needed to do to make him stop worrying. What could I do to convince him that I'm okay?
He cleared his throat, "so are you going to tell me what's wrong now?"
Shaking my head, I quickly took another sip of water. "I'm okay, I just had a rough night. It happens."
"Declan," he sighed. "I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."
My eyes burned with more tears. I hate how sensitive I'm being. I hate how I can't tell Charlie's what's happening. I hate that all of this had to happen. I wish I never let the Cullen's in.
"Everything's fine." My voice broke, showing that everything is in fact not fine.
He reached a hand out to pat my shoulder before standing. "Okay, I won't make you tell me. But you know I'm here when you need me."
I nodded, taking more sips of water in a last ditch attempt to keep myself from crying again. I decided to stand up and make my way back to the stairs so I could go back to my room. With my hand on the railing, Charlie calling my name stopped me.
"Uhm, maybe you should stay down here for a while. So I can keep an eye on you, if you don't mind." His rough voice explained.
With a defeated nod, I took the few steps over to the couch and laid down. Pulling the blanket that hung over the back of it over me, I rolled to face the back of the couch and closed my eyes.
I'm not surprised that Charlie doesn't want to leave me alone. After all I am the kid with scars on my thighs from years of poor thinking and bad ideas. I've never handled negative emotions well, I've never known what to do with myself when I'm this depressed.
I've struggle a lot with depression I the past, my mental health has never been that great. First I was diagnosed with anxiety, then bipolar disorder, and finally gender dysphoria. However things were going well for me, my meds help along with therapy.
Since I've been doing so well, I can't let this ruin me. I can't let the Cullen's leaving make me fall back into my old ways. I have other people to be better for. I have Adam, Charlie, and Bella. Hell I even have Renee and Phil. They want me to be happy too.
I only really opened up to Jasper about my mental health, mostly because he can feel my emotions. He noticed that something was wrong some days but he understood that it's just what my brain does.
Carlisle knew as well, I wanted to tell him because last summer I had a brief depression streak that worried him quite a bit. I just had to explain my mental health history and of course he was very understanding. He is a doctor after all he knows what bipolar disorder is like.
I heard Charlie moving around before I felt another blanket being gently draped over me. This one was heavier and the weight of it was very comforting. I didn't think I would fall back to sleep or even get close to that but as my eyes felt heavier I gladly welcomed the drowsiness.
Just as I was drifting off into a hopefully peaceful sleep, I heard Charlie sit down in his recliner with a sigh.
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After I woke up from my short nap, I stayed on the couch for a few more hours. I did feel better being in the same room as Charlie. It's easier to distract myself from the hurt when I'm not alone.
However, the longer I sat still the more I desperately wanted to do something. I want to try to call Jasper or Esme again. I want to go see Bella and see if she will even talk to me about what happened.
I've never been one who was good at sitting still and doing nothing. I always need to be working on something or practicing or working out. I can't just sit and wait as life passes me by, I guess I always feel like I'm running out of time.
It's odd, especially considering I'll never run out of time. I'll have to die someday I know but I also know it won't be of natural causes.
At that thought my breathe caught in my chest. Everyone I know will die, except me. I'll outlive them all. I won't age much longer and I won't grow old with my friends and family. Before I had the Cullen's though, I was going to live my immortal life with them. What am I supposed to do now?
Carlisle's story flooded my mind. He was alone for centuries, it that my destiny? To be alone forever? Is that what I deserve?
Huffing out a stressed breath I pushed the blankets off of me and stood gathering Charlie's attention. I was still hugging my pillow as I looked out the window.
"Charlie? Can I go for a walk? It seems nice out today." I asked his permission as if I was grounded.
His eyes left me to glance out the nearest window. The sun wasn't out directly but it was still bright outside and the fall colored leaves shook slightly in the gentle breeze.
Charlie hummed. "I guess that would be alright. As long as you stay out of the woods."
"Yes sir." I spoke quickly with a nod in his direction.
I jogged up the stairs and paused outside Bella's closed door. I stood still for a moment and listened to try and hear if she was awake or not. I heard absolutely no movement, just her gentle breathing. Deciding she was still sleeping, I went up to my room to get ready.
I taped my chest down as my plan blossomed. I didn't have it in me to change out of yesterday's jeans and I just put the same hoodie I napped in back on. I grabbed my keys and my wallet and shoved them into my pocket. Lastly I pulled on my boots, before climbing back out of my room only a few minutes later.
I chugged down another glass of water because Charlie asked me to before saying a quick see you later to him. I left out the front door and turned left at the end of the driveway. I just need to get away from the house before I can really do what I need to do.
Once I was a good block away from Charlie's house and I was sure no one was watching me, I jogged into the trees to my right. I continued jogging past trees and over roots until I believe I am far enough from the road to be seen.
I quickly pulled off my hoodie and tied it around my hips. Using all the strength I have today, I pulled myself up a tall tree and carefully sat on a thick and sturdy branch. With a heavy sign, I released my wings for the first time in over twenty four hours.
I groaned in instant relief, shaking and twitching my wings as I stretched them out. Running my fingers through the feathers I could easily reach, I tried to groom my messy wings. It's hard to keep them well groomed on my own, considering that I can't reach all my feathers.
I swallowed the lump in my throat as my mind wandered to Carlisle again. I hate that he's still so present in my thoughts, but I can't help it obviously. He just ditched me less then twenty four hours ago.
I always figured that he'd help me groom my wings someday. One day I'd have top surgery an wouldn't need to bind my chest or tape it down, and I'd be able to be shirtless around him. I wouldn't have to send him away so I could take off my tight binder.
He never even got to see my wings before he left me. I never got to release them and watch his face as he witnessed genetic vampire wings for the first time. I never got to teach him how to properly groom my wings or to teach him about the difference in wing shapes and feather placement.
The only Cullen that saw my wings was Jasper. Only once of course but once was enough for him to never forget what they look like.
It was back when we were all in Phoenix escaping the nomadic vampires. James was killed in the ballet studio but Victoria was waiting nearby. I tried my best to fight her off but Jasper scared her away.
He saw my wings before I was able to hide them away but he never made me feel awkward about it. He never really asked me about them either, I guess he knew that I didn't intend to have that conversation with him.
My heart aches for Jasper. He must feel like this is his fault. I thought the worst possible thing that could happen is that the Cullen's would send him away. Now he's going to have to life with knowing that Bella and I are out here after basically being abandoned.
Blinking the tears in my eyes away, I focused back on my mission. I carefully stood on the thick branch and leaped off to get some air beneath my wings. I pumped and flexed my wings until I was just above the treetops and headed east.
I'm going to the Cullen's house. Mostly to see if there's anyone still there. I would like to say goodbye to Esme myself, cause Carlisle doesn't get to take that away from me. Plus I would also like to see Jasper, just to make sure he's okay.
I want to hug Esme one last time, which is hard for me to believe. I always hated hugs, I didn't like the closeness and the constriction. With Esme it's nice though. It's like a mothering thing that I've never got to experience.
As I flew in the general direction of the Cullen's house, I wondered how everything went down. How did they decide leaving us behind would be a good idea? Did they vote? Carlisle is the leader of their family, was it ultimately his decision to make?
I can imagine that it was Edward who brought it up. Maybe he convinced Carlisle that leaving was a good idea and then Carlisle convinced the other as well. Did anyone fight for us? How easy was it for all of them to leave?
As I grew closer and closer to the Cullen's house, the pit in my stomach ached. What if they aren't even there? They all might've already left in fear that Bella or I would show up.
When I saw the house in the distance, my frown deepened as I saw that their was no cars parked out front. There was no lights on or any life left from what I could see.
I landed roughly on the Cullen's porch and quickly put my wings away. I pulled my hoodie back on to protect me from the crisp fall air. Slipping my hand into my pocket, I grabbed my keys.
Carlisle and Esme gave me a key to the house after my third time visiting there. They told me they wanted me to always know that I could come to the Cullen's. Look where we are now, I can't count on them it seems.
I stepped up to the closed front door and took a deep breath hoping that they didn't change the locks. When the key fit in the slot I wanted to cry again, maybe someone is here. Fuck I hope Esme is here.
Opening the door and stepping inside, my heart broke at the site of the empty room. Carlisle's cross used to sit against the wall, I used to see it every time I came over. Now everything is gone.
I walked room to room, my heart growing heavier each passing minute. The more emptiness I saw the harder it was to keep myself together. I think there's a part of me that didn't think they'd really be gone.
My feet dragged up the stairs, my eyes staying focused on the bare walls that were once covered with tons of art. My shoulders are slouched and I feel like a heavy cloud is weighing me down. I just can't believe they're really gone. I walked down the hallway past a few doors, I need to see one last thing.
My hand lingered on the doorknob, hesitating on opening the door to Carlisle's bedroom. I pressed my forehead against the cool wood door and tried to tell myself that there's nothing there. I don't need to look to know that he's gone.
Tightening my jaw, I pushed the door open and bit my lip at the empty room. The deep blue walls were bare and the furniture was gone. I even peaked my head in the closet just to see it as empty as the rest off the house.
However, the faint smell of flowers still lingering in the air is making my whole body ache.
I already miss him so fucking much. How am I going to do this?
My eyes burned with tears as I looked out the huge window. I looked down at Carlisle's garden and let myself wallow in my sadness. I wonder if he'll start a new garden wherever they're going.
I saw movement in the trees out of the corner of my eye and gasped. When my eyes barely focused on a human figure, I turned and ran out of the room and down the stairs. I rushed out the front door and slammed it behind me.
Running around the yard to get to where I saw the person, I called out for them to wait for me. I hated the desperate tone of my voice. I don't even know if this figure was one of my friends yet I'm begging them not to run from me. Reaching the trees, I slowed down.
"Hello?" I called hoping that the person didn't leave.
I heard the sound of twigs and leaves being stepped on as Jasper stepped out from behind a tree.