|: Cigarettes and Candy :| Carlisle... - Chapter 22: Chapter 22

Declan's POV.
I stared at him is disbelief as many emotions came racing through me. Briefly I wondered if I had snapped and was imaging him there. I watched his eyes look over my face and I hoped I look better then I looked this morning. I'd hate for him to see me all distressed and messy.
"Jasper." I sighed taking a few steps closer to him.
I debated pulling him in for a hug but I know Jasper feels the same way I do about hugs. Even though I wanted to throw myself onto him and not let him leave, I decided to be more graceful with my begging. I'd just make myself look pathetic if I started sobbing at his feet wouldn't I?
Maybe he'd find it amusing if I wrapped myself around his legs and begged him not to leave me. He could just flick me off like a bug, it's not like I can over power him. He might laugh at my desperation before pushing me off of him or I might make him feel worse about everything.
"Hey, Declan." He attempted to smile.
My heart ached at his weak voice, he seems to be barely holding himself together. I can't imagine how terrible he feels, and I can't even be with him to comfort him. I'll have to live with this as my last memory of him. The last time I'll see Jasper I'll always remember how hurt he must feel.
I couldn't think of anything clever to say so I just stepped closer and mumbled, "are you okay?"
He shrugged with one shoulder, looking away from me.
"You can talk to me, Jasper." I started. "I don't know why I asked if you are okay, I know you're not."
He sighed heavily as if the weight of the world is on his shoulders. Moving back to the nearest tree, he leaned against it.
Biting his lip he looked back at me finally, "I can't help but feel like this is all my fault."
My frown deepened as my shoulders suddenly felt heavier. The guilt weighing on him must feel overwhelming and I have no idea how to convince him that this isn't his fault.
"That's not true," I swallowed the emotions that were in my throat. "I may not know exactly what's going on, but it's not your fault."
Clenching his jaw, he shook his head and looked away shamefully. "This wouldn't be happening if I had better control. I should've known better, I should've stayed away."
Now it was my turn to shake my head in denial. "No. Edward was waiting for an excuse to leave I bet. This would've happened eventually, I just know it."
Jasper pressed his back against the tree and looked up at the leaves above us. I hoped to see a change in him caused by my words. All I need right now is to comfort my friend. They all can leave, I'll survive. However I don't know if I can live knowing how guilty Jasper feels.
"Alice," his voice grew more emotional, "there's nothing I can do to make her feel better."
I tightly shut my eyes as images of a devastated Alice filled my mind. I don't like thinking of her as anything but happy and cheerful. She deserves to be happy after everything she's been through. She deserves to have Bella and I as friends.
I gritted my teeth as I tried to figure out how to vocalize my racing thoughts. Who knows how much time I actually have with Jasper, he could leave at any second and I'm here struggling. I don't know what I should say, I'm not sure what I should ask.
"Yaknow, I can almost understand leaving. Bella's life is on the line, and I want her to stay alive. But, why does everyone have to leave me too? Why can't you guys let me call you or email you at least." My voice was whiny and annoying.
Jasper's emotional eyes looked back at me, "would that make you happy?"
I began to respond before I paused. Would it?
It wouldn't be fair and yeah I know life isn't fair blah blah blah, but I want it to be as fair as I can make it. I wouldn't feel right knowing that the Cullens cut Bella out but we're still talking to me. There would be no kind way for me to keep the Cullens in my life while they're avoiding Bella's.
"No." I started. "I'd feel too bad for Bella, it's only fair that we both get left behind. We'll have to get through this together, I guess."
I watched Jasper bite his lip as he thought, "do you think-, is Bella mad at me?"
"Bella's probably the last person who would be mad at you." I attempted to comfort him. "I haven't spoken to her yet today but I know she forgives you. There's no way she would think this was your fault."
He nodded weakly and rubbed his chin, I don't think he believes me. I wish I could just grab his face in between my hands and beg him not to feel bad. Unless abandoning Bella and I was his idea, then he shouldn't feel bad.
"Am I allowed to ask you where you all are going?" I pressed my luck.
"I don't think I should tell you," he murmured as I frowned. "Alice and I aren't staying with everyone though."
My frown turned into confused panic very fast, "wait what? They wouldn't-, I mean, they didn't tell you to leave did they?"
Jasper's words rang though my head again for the dozenth time since he said them. I'm scared that they're gonna ask me to leave. That's the worst thing they could do, forget leaving Bella and I. Kicking out Jasper for being tempted by blood would be nothing but evil.
"No. You were right with that one." He answered. "Alice and I want to travel, she wants to see what she can find out about her human life."
I nodded, that seems like a good idea. I always felt bad that she didn't remember her human life, more so I am surprised she's so kind to humans despite not having any idea what it's like to be one. Plus it'd be good for them to keep themselves busy.
That's my plan, keep myself busy and distracted. If I'm always working and thinking about other things maybe I won't be so sad about my Cullens leaving. That's a sounds like a good idea to me, staying busy until I eventually die. Even though I won't grow old like Bella, I'll have to die at some point. I can wait it out if I have to.
"I'm assuming he will still be working in a hospital somewhere," I swallowed the lump in my throat, "Carlisle, I mean. Obviously."
"I'm sure that will be the case, yes." He smiled fondly for a brief second. "He gets quite annoying when he's out of work for too long."
I've heard the stories about Carlisle being too eager to help the others with their hobbies and projects. Mostly from Esme and Rosalie, he'd always try to join them and help them to make himself feel useful. Apparently he would even retell everyone stories about his past.
That's how it became a rule that Carlisle always needs a job. Most of the Cullen family rules that I know of aren't what I expected. Of course they have rules like don't drink human blood but then they have don't throw each other off cliffs around humans. I was told there was an incident in the eighties with Rosalie and Edward that caused the Cullens to have to move towns and make that rule.
Oh, and uno is a banned game in the Cullen house after the incident of 1974 as they called it.
"We'll make sure he doesn't let himself go, like I don't want him turning into hermit or shutting himself in. He needs to save lives and do his doctor shit yaknow." I awkwardly rubbed my thumb over the knuckles on my opposite hand.
I narrowed my eyes and glared at the dirt at my feet, why do I care about how he feels? After all the anger and depression he caused me I still can't stand the thought of him being anything but happy and satisfied.
Jasper took a few steps so he was standing in front of me, "I'm willing to bet that he will throw himself into his work, I sincerely doubt that he would stop working."
Something about knowing that he would still be out in the human world made me feel hope. I could find him. I know what fake names he's used in the past, I'd be able to look him up online. Maybe I'd be able to know where they went to, but would I want to know? Would I be able to resist running to them?
Either way, if I needed to find them, if I needed to find him, I could. Even if they decided to live off the grid in a random cave, I'd find them.
Biting my lip, I refused to meet his eyes and kept my head down. "Just keep him happy."
He chuckled, "do you want me to manipulate his emotions for the rest of forever?"
I shrugged and decided to look at his face, "if that's what it takes. Don't let him fall apart."
He nodded and his smile dropped slowly, I heard him inhale a deep breath and hold it. "I should probably get going. I don't know what else to say."
My eyes welled up with tears that I attempted to blink away so he wouldn't see. For a second I almost believed he wouldn't leave, I almost thought him and I would just stay here in the forest together forever.
"Just tell me you'll miss me," I mumbled, "and that you won't forget about me."
"I could never forget about you, and I will miss you, Declan." He said softly.
"I'll miss you," I barely managed to get the words out of my tight throat.
He slowly stepped back only stopping when he was nearly ten feet away from me. We stood there looking at each other for a moment and I am grateful that Jasper looks to be in a better state then Carlisle was last night. Still, thinking about never seeing Jasper truly happy again makes me feel sick to my stomach.
"Bye Declan."
I raised my hand to wave pathetically, "bye Jasper."
With that he turned and flashed deeper into the forest and I stood staring in the direction he went in until I could no longer hear him. When I was sure he was gone, I lowered myself to sit on the ground. I brought my knees to my chest and let a few silent tears fall.
Hugging myself as my breathing picked up, I decided a few weak moments would be okay. I'll let myself cry about this one last time and then never again. I can't allow myself to feel so defeated and alone when I'm really not alone. I have more people in my life now then I've had my entire life. I have Adam and I have Bella and Charlie now, and I also have Renee and Phil.
I wanted the Cullens though, I wanted the life they had to offer me. A long immortal life with friends and family. Even after everyone else I cared about was long gone, I wouldn't be alone. I barely got to experience what that would've been like. Yet, now I'm mourning the loss of my friends and the loss of the life I never really got to have.
I wiped the tears off my cheeks, I'll make new friends. I can find other vampires, perhaps even genetic ones. I can make new friends and we can fly together and help groom each other's wings. I can find people who are like me.
The Cullens never let me feel like I was different from them, but I am. I am so different, I'd never really be one of them. I would never have the golden eyes and icy cold skin. I could walk like them and talk like them but I'd always be something else. Maybe it's for the best that I'll have to find my own kind.
Maybe years and years from now, I'll have my own small group of genetic vampires and I'll meet up with the Cullens again. We can all be friends but I can know that even if they want nothing to do with me, I won't be alone.
When my breathing finally evened out, I rubbed my last few tears away and stood up. Dusting the dirt off my pants, I turned and started walking back to the Cullens house. I'll use the balcony as my way of getting some height to fly away.
I went to the front door and pushed it open, locking it behind me I looked around the room one last time. My eyes lingered along the walls that used to be covered in art that Carlisle collected and some of Esme's own paintings.
Focusing my eyes on the floor, I walked up the staircases until I reached the second living room. I dragged my feet along the clean cream colored carpet and stepped onto the large balcony.
I pulled off my hoodie and checked to make sure my chest was still securely taped down and flat as it would go. The amount of discomfort I feel having to do this alto myself is overwhelming. Someday it'll be fixed, I refuse to believe otherwise.
Climbing up on the railing, I balanced myself carefully and released my wings. I shook out the tightness of the muscles and spread them as wide as they would go. I always wonder if my wings common in size and in color. I've never seen another genetic vampires wings.
I wonder if I'll ever meet someone who has some answers for me. I mean sure, I have the letters and books my grandfather left me, but I've never actually been able to ask the questions I have to someone with more knowledge than me.
Attempting to concentrate on the matter at hand, I leaped off the balcony and flapped my wings to gain more height. I let myself circle the Cullens house a few times to embed the image in my memory and then I started in the directions of Charlie's house.
I hope Charlie won't be upset with me for being gone for so long. I never told him how long I'd be gone, but maybe he just assumed I was only going to walk around the block. Hopefully I'll get lucky and Bella woke up to keep him busy, although who knows what kind of mood Bella will be in.
When I carefully landed in the trees down the street from Charlie's house, I realized that I dreaded going back. I didn't want to see Charlie or Bella which is odd for me. Yet, I didn't want to be alone either. Now more than ever I want to be around my kind, or at least other immortals who are aware of the supernatural world.
It must be because I can't really explain what's happened to anyone else. Well, I guess Bella does know about the supernatural world. It's not the same though. She won't understand the absolute fear I feel at the moment. I just don't know what I'm going to do with myself now. I have no idea how my immortal life will play out.
I pulled my hoodie back on and pulled the hood over my dirty messy hair. A few strands of the faded green fell in front of my eyes and I reminded myself to either redye it again soon or just completely change the color. I stuck my hands in my pockets and walked out of the trees.
I crossed the street and quickened my pace when Charlie's house came into view. I stepped up the porch steps loudly to warn the people inside of my arrival. I opened the door and slipped off my wet boots before stepping inside.
I carried my boots through the hallway and stoped when I found Charlie in the living room. Placing my boots down in the doorway, I moved to the couch and sat down.
"Bella's not awake?" I said before Charlie could greet me.
He frowned and shook his head, "I thought I heard some moving around up there but she never came down."
Looking down at my socked toes I debated going up there and dragging her downstairs to make her eat something. It's not healthy to skip meals, just like it's not healthy to stay in bed all day. That behavior is so easily turned into a habit and I don't want Bella's life to fall apart.
"Have you gone up to talk to her?" I asked.
"She doesn't want to talk to me." Charlie grunted, "I think I'm the last person she would talk to about anything that's upsetting her."
My frown matched his, I hate that he feels that way but I know that it's probably true. Bella never talks about her feelings with anyone really but she definitely always keeps on a brave face for Charlie. She doesn't understand that she doesn't have hide her feelings. Especially with me and Charlie.
"Maybe you should go talk to her," Charlie stretches his arms over his head. "You two get along, she'll listen to you."
I chewed my bottom lip, "you think that's a good plan?"
"It's worth a shot," he shrugged and stood from his chair. Shuffling towards the kitchen he called over his shoulder, "I'll order pizza for dinner."
I sighed when Charlie was out of earshot and stood. I headed towards the stairs and picked up my shoes along the way. I walked up the stairs with heavily shoulders and stopped by my room to put my boots away and finally changed out of my two day old jeans.
Deciding it'd be best to get Bella to at least drink something, I ran back downstairs and got a glass of water for her. I don't know why I felt so nervous when I was once again standing outside her door. I guess, I don't want to see her destroyed.
Knocking softly on the door I called her name. I heard nothing in response but with my vampiric hearing I could easily hear her breathing.
I put my hand on the door knob, "Bella? I'm coming in."
I slowly opened the door, giving her time to protest or at least tell me to leave her alone. I saw her sitting on her bed with her sheets thrown everywhere and her knees pulled up to her chest. Her hair was a rats nest and her eyes had deep purple bags underneath them.
"Hey," I greeted and walked over to her bedside table to put down the glass of water.
Keeping my eyes on her unchanging expression, I moved to sit on her rocking chair after pulling it closer to the bed. I brought my fingers to my mouth and chewed my nails for a few seconds until she finally looked at me.
She swallowed, "they're gone, Declan."
I winced at her rough and empty voice, "I know. I talked to Carlisle last night."
I'm not going to tell her about Jasper, I'm not going to tell anyone about talking to Jasper in the woods. She doesn't need to know that he was still here, I don't want her to think they're still there.
She sniffled, "what did he say to you."
I clenched my jaw as everything he said came flooding back to me. His failed attempt to tell me he loved me, the sad goodbye he murmured before leaving. I didn't want to think about it again.
"He said that they're leaving and changing their contact information. Also that he would never see me again." I told her.
"What did you say?"
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, why does it matter what I said? It doesn't matter, they're not coming back.
"I told him I never wanted to see him again and to leave us alone in the future." I answered honestly.
Finally showing some emotion, she looked surprised and maybe even a bit angry. Her eyebrows rose and her mouth opened in shock.
"Why would- how could you say that to him?" She snapped.
I shrugged and shook my head, too tired to defend myself. "I don't know, I was angry and just wanted to hurt his feelings like he was crushing mine."
She looked more sympathetic after hearing my answer. Her eyes finally left me and she looked down while biting her lips.
I don't think it would be a good idea to ask her about what happened with Edward yesterday. I don't really need to know what he said to her, but I'd like to just so I can make sure she's not blaming herself for this. I'm not going to ask her though, I don't want to make her relive that.
"Come downstairs for a while, Charlie ordered pizza." I tried to tempt her with food even though that's never worked in the past.
She looked back at me hesitantly, and shrugged.
"Come down and eat, if not for you do it for Charlie. He's worried about you." That should do it.
She sighed and nodded before standing up. She looked at her messy bed and ran a hand through her messy hair.
"I'll meet you down there," I told her before standing and patting her shoulder. "Drink the water I brought up for you." I said as I closed her door behind me.
I bounced down the stairs feeling accomplished and turned into the living room and flopped onto the couch. I crossed arms and leaned back finally feeling a bit relaxed.
"She'll be down soon," I told Charlie who was back in his chair.
He hummed, "that's good. I wouldn't want her missing dinner too."
I looked at the tv as some commercials played, I could feel Charlie glancing at me every few seconds and I tried not to grow annoyed. I would ask what's wrong but at this point I feel like I know what's wrong. He knows the Cullens are gone and he knows that Bella and I really cared about them. Everything's wrong really.
Turning to him as he looked back at me, I raised my eyebrows at him. "Something you wanna tell me, Charlie?"
He rubbed the stubble on his cheek, "I, uh, I called Adam."
I was confused but not really surprised. I'm sure when Charlie saw me wrecked this morning his first thought was to get Adam to talk to me. However, I don't think he'd need to call Adam to get the two of us to talk to each other.
"Okay, why?"
"Well, him and I have been talking more anyway but after you left earlier I wanted to tell him how", he paused to think of the right word, "devastated you were this morning. So I thought we would give you your surprise early."
That threw me for a loop. First, Charlie and Adam have been talking without telling me. Next, there's a surprise for me? I'm not scared to admit that I hate surprises, I always have.
Furrowing my eyebrows out of stress, I asked, "what surprise?"
Charlie shook his head, "he made me promise that I wouldn't tell you, he wants to be the one to tell you. You should call him after dinner."
With a confused nod, I planned on asking more questions but I heard Bella slowly making her way down the stairs. She silently, as if she was a ghost, walked into the living room and joined me on the couch.
I decided to shut up about me and not drag Bella into a confusing conversation about Adam and surprises. She stared at the tv and her and Charlie didn't say a word to each other. I would bet that Charlie is too worried about saying the wrong thing that he thinks it would be best to not say anything at all.
When the pizza came, we decided to eat dinner in the living room with the comforting sounds of the tv. I'm glad we didn't eat at the kitchen table like we usually do, the silence would've been unbearable.
I was bouncing my leg as I ate my slice, trying to think about what trouble Adam could've gotten himself into. He involved Charlie too which is a first. He usually sniffs out trouble on his own.
I waited patiently for everyone to finish their food before I excused myself, putting my plate in the sink and making a quick cup of tea to take with me to my room. I told Bella and Charlie that I would be back down soon and then rushed up the stairs to my attic.