|: Cigarettes and Candy :| Carlisle... - Chapter 23: Chapter 23

Declan's POV.
Placing my mug of tea down on my desk next to my cell phone, I went back over to the attic door and locked it. Now would be a good time to stretch me wings again. I usually would worry about the fact that both Charlie and Bella are awake, but Bella knows I'm not human and Charlie rarely comes up to the attic.
I pulled off my hoodie and inspected the tape on my chest. Its losing its tightness and my chest isn't as flat as it was earlier but I'll need to take it off soon anyway. I'll just leave it on for now cause it's better than nothing. Plus, taking off the tape is a pain and leaves my skin with a sticky residue.
After stretching my spine first, I relaxed my body but flexed my wings to release them. A relieved sigh escaped my lips as I was able to relax with my wings. I miss when the nights were colder and I could sleep all cuddled up with my wings. The summer months have been to warm for me to enjoy that simple form of comfort.
I grabbed my mug of tea and brought it to my mouth as I pondered what Adam could've done. He's never really been one to plan things and not tell me about it, even if it was about me. He always keeps me updated on every little detail of his life, and I try to to the same. Of course, I have to keep somethings secret, no matter how much it hurts me.
Picking up my phone I moved to sit on the edge of my bed before setting my mug on my nightstand. I fiddled with my phone for a moment, checking for any text messages from a Cullen. As expected, there was nothing from any one of them. I only allowed myself a moment to let my heart feel crushed and empty before I selected Adam's contact.
It's only around 10pm in New York, I thought as I brought the phone up to my ear. Surely he'll be there to answer and maybe talk for a little bit. I always feel more hopeful after I get to talk to him, something about his cheerful but realistic attitude is very calming. His joy is infectious and everyone who meets him quickly grows to like him.
"Declan! Darling! My guy!" He answered excitedly.
Even after the rough past hours I've had, I couldn't help but smile at his voice. "Hey, I see you're still wide awake then."
"I told Charlie to tell you to call me," he explained. "So, I was waiting for you."
Good, so he's not going to act like he and Charlie haven't been conspiring behind my back. "Well, Charlie told me something about a surprise."
Adam chuckled, "always straight to the point, Declan. What? No small talk?"
"Dude, we've know each other for ten years. We're way past small talk." I argued.
"Good point", he hummed. "Fine, then. Are you sitting cause I'm about to spill the beans."
I cringed and snorted at his choice of words. "Yeah, I'm sitting."
"It's a long explanation and you'll have questions but try and listen all the way through before you start stomping on the good news, okay?" He said, "but I'll try to get right to the point."
I worriedly bit at my lips and sighed, "okay. Go off, what's the surprise."
"Drumroll!"
"Adam, please." I cut off his impression of a drumroll.
"You're getting top surgery." He revealed. "Like soon. If you want."
My mouth fell open as I attempted to get out one of many questions but no sound came out. We've talked about top surgery before, specifically all the things keeping me from getting it right away.
"Listen, I know you're worried about money and insurance. Plus I know you literally just started testosterone, but I really think it's about time you got what you really need."
I stuttered for a few moments before I managed to gain control over myself, "can you explain how the hell I'm going to get top surgery. Like, what about the money and the fact that I'm still a minor?"
"Well, technically," he began. "Charlie is your legal guardian. If he consents to you getting surgery then it doesn't matter that you're still seventeen."
"Would he ever agree to that though?" I muttered.
I heard him hum softly again. "I've been discussing it with him for a little while now, and I think, after you talk to him he would agree to it."
"But the- what about the money, Adam? That's the biggest issue." I pressed.
Before when I spoke about top surgery with Carlisle, he always seemed convinced that when I turned eighteen he would pay for the surgery. I didn't like that very much considering he would never let me pay him back.
"I've been saving up some money, as have Renee and Phil and Charlie. The three of us are going to pay for it. You don't need to worry about the money." His voice was smooth and calming but I feel anything but calm.
"I can't just," I huffed. "Adam, you know I want this more than anything but I can't let anyone else pay for it. It's too much."
"You can pay us back after you become a famous artist. Really, Declan, we all want to do this. With the three of us it's really not that bad financially and we want you to get everything sorted out so that your life can begin. This is the next step." He soothed.
There's got to be a way to make this all work out, but I don't want to take advantage of the people I care about. It doesn't seem fair to ask them to do this for me, I don't deserve this kindness.
I clenched my eyes shut and tired to calm my racing heart, "what surgeon?"
"You can have a phone consultation with Dr. Wilson in a few days. She's about fifty minutes from my apartment, remember? You were going to go to her when you moved here after high school."
I nodded even though he couldn't see me. "But, I'm not there, I'm in Forks."
That earned me a chuckle, "you would fly here and stay with me for a few weeks, silly."
"I really want that, I really want to get top surgery." I admitted, my voice sounded defeated.
It almost sounded like I was begging, my voice being so thick with emotion. I wouldn't put it against me to beg for something like this, but it's probably not something I need to do.
"Then let us do this for you," he pushed. "You and Charlie need to contact Dr.Wilson and book a date for a phone consultation and then hopefully book a date for surgery."
"Wait, wait." I waved my hand frantically. "I never really talk to Charlie about top surgery, how am I supposed to convince him to let me go to New York to get it?"
"I told you, I've been talking to him about it a lot recently." Adam stressed. "I think after you two have a heart to heart conversation he'll be more than willing to send you my way for surgery."
He has a point, Charlie and I usually can get on the same page about things when we actually talk to each other. Plus I'm sure that Charlie already knows more than he lets on if he and Adam have been talking about top surgery already.
Standing from my spot on my bed, I reached for my empty mug. "I'll go talk to him now!" I said eagerly
"Whoa whoa, hold up!" Adam laughed. "I'm not done talking to you."
I felt my lips pout, "but I wanna get an appointment as soon as I can."
Adam continued to muffled a giggle, "I'll just take up a few more minutes of your time."
I hummed and waited for him to continue. I have a feeling that I already know what he's going to ask me about.
"Charlie told me you had a rough night." He stated simply. "You gonna tell me about what happened?"
I groaned as my thoughts rang true. It's not that I don't want to be honest with my best friend it's more so the fact that I can't tell him the whole story. I can't tell him about the fact that I planed on spending my entire immortal life with the Cullens and the abandoned me.
"Did Charlie tell you that my only friends in all of Forks moved away?" I questioned.
I talked to Adam about the Cullens often, mostly the Cullen 'kids'. I never told him about how close Carlisle and I were. Of course I didn't avoid the topic of Carlisle completely. Sometimes I'd mention that he helped me with homework or gave me a ride somewhere, but I'd never tell him the whole truth. Mostly to protect their secret as well as my own I guess.
"Yeah," he answered. "Did they give you any warning? Like, did you know they were leaving?"
Should I lie? I feel like if I tell him the truth he will grow to not like the Cullens. Well, why should it matter how Adam feels about them. It's not like they'll ever meet each other, but I don't want him thinking that Jasper should've told me. I don't want anyone thinking bad things about Jasper.
"Not really." I started. "But they didnt really know for very long that they were leaving. Apparently, Dr. Cullen got a job offer that he couldn't turn down and they had to leave."
If I remember the cover story correctly, that's what they decided to go with. It's believable, I guess, Carlisle is a popular surgeon and it wouldn't be a surprise for him to be offered a better job somewhere else. Knowing him personally, I know he would rather be in a bigger city. He used to tell me how he preferred bigger cities with bigger hospitals.
"I'm so sorry, Dec." Adam said softly. "I know how much you liked them and I know how much time you spent with them. But, you can find more friends. You're likable."
"I don't wanna make new friends." I whined.
"I know," he murmured. "You have their numbers right? You can still talk to them."
I clenched my eyes shut as I prepared another lie, it's so fucking dumb. I'm still protecting them and their image even though they chose to leave me behind like I was nothing to them. I could easily tell Adam how fucked the situation really is without revealing their immortal secret.
"Yeah, I guess" I lied. "But it's not the same. It was nice to have friends I could actually see."
It was nice to have the opportunity to hang out with friends and go and do things with them. We went to music shows and we went shopping. Alice found a few vintage stores that were so entertaining that we went back once a month to see all the new stuff. Of course I couldn't forget all the time I spent with Carlisle. We didn't often go out alone but even the time we spent together at the house was enjoyable.
Just talking with him is interesting, he's lived for so long and has many stories. Often I would choose a year and he would tell me where he was and what he was doing during that time. I could listen to him talk for hours and I usually did. Wether it was about whatever books he was currently reading or about his lifetime of working as a doctor, I was never bored.
"I'm just gonna miss them," I continued. "Lots."
"I'm sorry, Declan, but- "
"I don't wanna talk about it, can we go back to the top surgery thing?" I interrupted.
"Alright." He seemed reluctant, "the next step is you talking to Charlie and then sending an email to Dr.Wilson's office. After that you'll talk with her on the phone and after the phone consultation you'll set up your surgery date. Then once it get closer to your surgery, we'll fly you out to stay with me and I'll take care of you."
It's like he thought of everything, he must've already contacted the doctor on his own. I'm sure after I talk to Charlie this will feel more real because right now it seems so out of reach.
"You're gonna coddle me to death aren't you?" I said, an amused tone lacing my voice.
He laughed, "of course, and I can't wait."
I groaned.
His laughs grew louder, "if you think I coddle you now, just you wait until after the surgery!"
I looked at my alarm clock and saw that it was close to 6pm meaning that it's nearly 11pm in New York. I'd hate to keep Adam up much later considering that I don't know what he's doing tomorrow, he might have an early class or a shift at his job.
"Should I talk to Charlie tonight?" I asked. "Like, do you think that we can get everything figured out before tomorrow so we can contact the surgeon then?"
"Maybe, I think it's a good idea to bring it up tonight if you have a free minute with him. Especially since he knows I'm telling you about it tonight." Adam answered.
"Okay, I'm gonna let you go so you can get to bed and I can talk to Charlie." I told him.
Hopefully, I can make sure Charlie and I are in agreement before tomorrow so we can contact the doctor as soon as possible. I know that pretty much all surgeons have a waitlist so you have to book your surgery date kinda far out, but I'd rather get everything figured out sooner rather than later. I think I'll feel so much better just to have a date booked for surgery.
"Call me or just send me a text tomorrow and update me on everything." He started. "I'd like to be aware of what's going on."
"Yeah, Yeah. I'll keep you in the loop, don't worry." I assured.
"Alright. Goodnight, Dec. Love you."
"Love you too." I mumbled back.
With that I hung up and placed my phone on the bed next to me. Shaking out my wings a few times, I pulled them in to hide in my back once again only letting out a sigh of discomfort.
I stood from my bed and walked to my dresser to get out a fresh shirt. Before pulling it on, I looked at my chest still taped down. It's odd because I can so easily see myself with a flat and masculine chest buts it's almost hard to imagine.
Much like starting hormone replacement therapy, I want the changes but it's hard to imagine what I'll be like with them. It's hard to envision myself with the deep voice I want desperately. Same goes with things like facial hair and broad shoulders. I want it but I wonder what things will be like when I finally get there.
A part of me began to ache once I realized that Carlisle will never get to see the changes. He will always remember me as this soft voiced guy with too feminine features. I don't want him to think of me looking the way I actually look. All of the Cullens are going to remember me in a way that I hate. Looking at myself now makes me feel so uncomfortable that I feel sick to my stomach. Too bad I can't control how others see me.
I was so excited to finally look like one of the guys, I still am but it's different now. I was so excited for them to see me grow into myself, I was so excited for them to see me become more comfortable and happy with myself and my body.
I pass as male more often than not at this point, even when I presented as female I always had more masculine features like a strong jaw and a relatively straight figure. I pass as a very small gay twink. Which isn't exactly wrong or a bad thing, but it's going to be nice to not be as feminine as I am now. It's going to be nice to be feminine by choice not by my own poor luck.
Shaking my head and pulling on my shirt, I decided it was time to talk to Charlie.
Usually I try not to talk about my trans identity with Charlie or Bella, I prefer to just pretend I was born male. I do that with most people most of the time. The only people I sometimes open up with about trans things are Adam, Jasper, and sometimes Carlisle.
However, this is worth the discomfort I might feel. I might be drawing attention to a part of myself I'd prefer to keep private but I need to do this so I can move forward with my medical transition.
Gathering my empty mug and slipping my cell phone into my pocket, I carefully headed out of the attic. I noticed that Bella's bedroom door is closed again and I frowned. She must've gone back to crying or sleeping already, I guess I'm not really surprised.
I wanted to be positive and hope that she'd handle this loss better, but I don't blame her for the way she's taking it. I bet she feels as hopeless as I do.
Heading down the stairs, I turned the corner to the kitchen to put my mug in the sink before walking into the living room. I paused in the doorway and Charlie looked over to me from his recliner.
"Adam told me the surprise." I stated simply.
He raised his eyebrows with a smile, "Yeah?"
"You gonna let me do this?" I swiftly moved to the couch and flopped down. "Are you going to let me get surgery?"
He rubbed a stubbled cheek, "it seems like the right thing to do. I mean, it's the next step in your life. I'd like to help you do it."
"It's a lot of money, Charlie. I'd understand if you all didn't want to spend it on my surgery." I explained.
He shook his head and sat up straighter, "I've been saving money for you anyway, I figured it would be for a car like I did with Bella. But, you don't want a car, this is what you want."
I nodded in understanding, "it's just hard to accept everyone doing so much for me."
"I know," he answered. "But you're a kid, you have to let us take care of you. You can't do everything yourself."
I wanted to deny him calling my a kid. I don't really feel like a kid, but at the same time I don't feel like an adult either. I understand what he means but being called a kid feels wrong after everything I've been through.
"Tomorrow, you and I will contact the doctor and then we'll see from there. Okay?" Charlie offered.
"That sounds perfect. It's exactly what I wanted." I smiled.
Even if I can't get surgery until next year I'd be happy, it's only September so I feel like the odds of getting it done this year are low. Just to have a date booked though would mean the world to me.
"All I need to know is," Charlie began, interrupting my thoughts. "I just need to know that you've thought this through. That you won't regret this decision."
"I've wanted this surgery since the very second I learned it was an option. I knew I wanted this surgery before I even knew for sure that I was a boy." I assured and hoped I sounded sure enough for him to believe me.
"Then alright, lets do it. We'll start the process tomorrow."
The room grew silent then and I considered asking about Bella. I wanted to know how she was and see if she said anything before going back into her room but I figured I already know the answers. She wouldn't have talked to Charlie about anything, she never does.
The two get along fine, they're just distant from each other and they don't really talk about anything serious. They mostly make small talk and that's really it. Maybe now that Edward is gone they'll have no choice but to get closer.
I decided to stay in the living room with Charlie for the rest of the night, we mostly just watched the TV and occasionally had a short conversation about whatever we were watching.
It wasn't until it got later that I started to grow tired. Physically, Im exhausted from all the flying. Mentally, I'm exhausted from all the crying.
This past week has been fucking insane to say the least. I started testosterone, then Bella's disaster of a party happened, next the Cullens abandoned us, and finally I learned that I'm going to be getting top surgery. I think it makes sense for me to be tired.
After I yawned for the third time, I stood up and stretched my arms over my head. "I'm going to go to bed."
Charlie hummed in response.
I started towards the doorway but paused and turned back to Charlie. I took the few steps to his recliner and bent down to hug around his shoulders for a moment. He placed a warm hand on my back and patted after his surprise went away.
"Thanks, for yaknow, everything." I mumbled before pulling away and straightening out.
"Don't mention it," he mumbled back, "I'm not giving you anything you don't already deserve."
With a final nod, I rushed out of the room and up the stairs.