|: Cigarettes and Candy :| Carlisle... - Chapter 27: Chapter 27

Declan's POV.
The first week after top surgery was odd. I mostly slept, I was asleep all day and up for a few hours at night before going back to sleep. I didn't leave Adams apartment either, only once him and I took a brief walk around the block to get some fresh air.
The worst part, worse than the pain or recovery or the fact that I have to sleep on my back, is that I couldn't release my wings.
I had on a post op binder and underneath I had a shit ton of ace bandages and other bandages. I couldn't disturb them therefore I couldn't take anything off to let my wings out. Each day it was getting more and more painful, but there was nothing I could do until after my first pre op appointment.
The ache became almost unbearable and the pain killers did nothing to help the pain in my wings. I couldn't communicate to anyone what was hurting obviously so I just kept quiet and took the pain.
Adam was very helpful and nurturing, like I knew he would be. He made sure I was fed and comfortable and watched all my favorite shows and movies with me. Having his company is something I always appreciated but especially after the last few months, it means so much more.
I don't think I would've been able to maintain my sanity if I wasn't away from Forks and with Adam. I love Charlie and Bella but right now they're hard to be around. Bella's depression and Charlie's worry is stressful, I'm glad I'm not there.
Adam is like a breath of fresh air, more so, it's like I was drowning and Adam is the air I breathe when I manage to pull my head above the water. His energy is so peaceful and familiar, it's comforting to be around him.
My love for him only grew after this time together, he's been taking care of me since I arrived but after surgery care is different. He gets light headed around blood but he still insisted on emptying my drains, yaknow the small plastic bottles of blood attached to my sides. I'm still surprised he never fainted while doing it.
When it was finally time to take the drains out at the doctors office a week after surgery, Adam held my hand when I started to get nervous. Dr. Wilson took the out quickly but it was still an extremely uncomfortable experience. The feeling of the tube moving deep under your flesh is sickening.
When Dr. Wilson took off all the bandages and I was finally able to see my results, nothing could prepare me for the sight. I was bruised and swollen and bloody, but flat. My chest looked mangled and painful, it was almost hard to look at knowing it was my body. However, I kept in mind what it would look like when I had healed and that's what made me happy.
Although, I should've mentally prepared myself to see my body and bruised and mangled. I don't know why I was shocked to see it so messy, I knew it would be but I was still too excited to think about that.
Overall my chest looks good for where it's at. My nipples are round and matching, my incisions are straight and even. Dr. Wilson says I'm healing very well and that she's proud of her work.
Adam cried, because of course he would, he always cries. He brought his favorite camera and was taking photos most of the visit and I couldn't even pretend to be annoyed with him. Even though I knew I looked disgusting I couldn't resist throwing up a peace sign for the camera.
We were lectured about my after surgery care again, specifically scar care and how to keep my chest clean. Thankfully, Dr. Wilson's office had pamphlets on what to do because I was too excited to really listen to what she was saying.
Basically, I have to keep the post op binder on for 23 hours a day for a few weeks. I have cream for my nipples and scars as well as bandages to put over them. Shower facing away from the water and no exercising or heavy lifting until Dr. Wilson says it's okay.
Adam and I said goodbye to the nurses that helped me while I was in the hospital, including Josh, and then we left. I felt a lot better as soon as the drains were taken out, but my wings were still throbbing in my back. I managed to convince Adam to take us back to his apartment then leave me there by myself while he went to get us food to make for dinner.
Literally as soon as I heard the lock click shut behind him, I rushed to my room and pulled the curtain closed. I only had a few minutes of time with my wings out but that few minutes was enough for me to stretch and groom them quickly. I managed to get my post op binder back on and zipped up right when Adam returned.
It wasn't until we were eating dinner that reality caught up with me and I realized how little time Adam and I had left together. I tried not to let it bum me out, I know we both have to return to our normal lives but I'm gonna miss this. I'm gonna miss Adam and I living in our own little world.
After my post op appointment, I only had one more week of being in New York with Adam. That's not enough.
I want to be here with him forever, it's upsetting to think that soon enough I'll be back to my 'normal' life. Watching Bella barely make it through the day and pretending not to notice Charlie's desperation for Bella to get better. Of course, the whole time I have to pretend to be more than okay at all times.
It's never my turn to have a bad day anymore, Charlie couldn't handle it if both of us kids were in the same depressed state.
Why hasn't Bella gone to therapy yet, why hasn't Charlie taken her? I know she can't talk about her vampire boyfriend and his family leaving her, but still she needs it. I've been in therapy for years now and still am even though I'm doing so much better than Bella at the moment. She needs to learn healthy coping mechanisms and how to function properly while being in a depression episode.
I could tell her, with my poor mental health I've experienced depression before but she doesn't listen to me. I guess she wouldn't listen to a doctor either most likely. It's like she thinks she's the first person to feel like this. She's always felt like she's alone and no one else is like her, but she's not alone and I know so many people who've been in the same place she is. Without the vampires though, but that's not even the important part.
She got dumped, we both did. It hurts but it's not the end of the world. Life goes on, the world keeps spinning and there's nothing being sad will do about it. At least fake it til you make it, that's always worked for me.
The next time I see her, I'm not gonna play nice. I'm tired of babying her, she needs to get back into the real world. If Charlie won't push her, I will. No more excuses and no more pity.
Later in the week, Adam tried to bring up the topic of Bella again. I brushed him off, explaining that I didn't want to talk about it. He can be really soft and forgiving sometimes and I don't want him trying to convince me to continue going easy on her.
As the week went on though, I could feel his energy changing. I know we are both counting down the hours until my flights back to Forks. It almost makes it harder to except that I have to leave, I don't want to leave him alone.
Well, he's not completely alone, his sisters come up state to visit him often. As does his mother, but for the most part he lives in this city alone. He doesn't have many other friends that he spends lots of time with. He has his work friends and his college friends but I know they're not as close as Adam and I are.
Which makes sense considering Adam and I have known each other for ten years but I still wish he had more people who love and appreciate him.
I actually called his sister, Madeline, and told her that after I leave her and Josephine should come see him. He loves his sisters in the way every big brother should, I know it'd mean the world to him to see them again so soon after the holidays.
My last full day in New York, I was feeling well enough to leave the apartment. So, Adam took me to his college and showed me around the campus. If I decide to co to school for art, this would be the place I would go. As of now, art school is my only plan. There's nothing else I'm really passionate about besides art, I want to make it into a career.
After we got home for the night after waking around the campus and eating at Adams favorite near by restaurant. The mood changed even though we both tried to convince the other we were still happy. We sat on the couch and continued our conversation as if nothing was the matter.
"I'm so glad I went back to school, I know I'm a little bit behind considering I'm older than the average college student but it's been so much for the better." He explained. "I know you'll like college a lot more than high school, then again, everyone says that."
"I know it'll be better, I'll be here with you." I started. "I'll actually get to see you everyday. Now it's hard being away from you all the time, it's hard to remember that I have a whole life waiting for me outside of Forks."
I watched his face turn into a frown, "I get what you mean, I can only imagine what it's like to be there right now. Especially knowing that you won't be there for much longer."
I played with the strings on my jeans, "this is home, yaknow."
The frown turned into a small smile, "I know." He said fondly.
I bit at my bottom lip and looked away, "I don't wanna go, Adam."
He placed his hand over mine, "I know, buddy."
I could hear the sadness in his voice but unlike my childish whining tone he still sounded okay. He's stronger than I am, I tend to get upset about things easily sometimes. He probably knows that if I see him start to tear up, I won't be able to hold back.
He cries easily, but not always about the things that really matter.
Taking a shaky deep breath I shook my head, "I'm fine, I'm fine."
His fingers rubbed the back of my hand softly, "it's okay to be sad, Dec."
"I'm not sad!" I quickly defended. "I'm just.... being a piss baby."
His sudden laughter made me jump slightly causing him to wrap me in his arms as he tried to quiet himself down.
I leaned my chin on his shoulder as he said, "what does that even mean?"
"Don't worry about it." I answered.
After that, Adam insisted that we have a happy night. He ignored the fact that I have suitcases to pack and decided that we are going to have another doctor who marathon.
A few hours of sarcastic comments about the show and me refusing to watch the episodes where Rose and the doctor get separated, it was time to go to bed. Well, pack my suitcases then go to bed.
Adam helped me lift the suitcases onto my bed since I'm not supposed to lift anything, and started gathering my things from around the apartment. He helped me pick out what to keep out for tomorrow as in an outfit and a few toiletries.
Together we folded my clothes and neatly fit them all into the suitcases. Adam found my backpack on the floor by the nightstand and put my gameboy and sketchbooks in it.
I need to be at the airport by at least 11am so that I have enough time to check my bags and get through security. Having an earlier flight is probably for the best, even though I wish I had another day with Adam.
After we zipped up my suitcases, Adam lifted them off my bed and placed them on the floor by the door. I put my backpack next to them so all my bags would be together.
We said our good nights and hugged for a moment, then Adam left me to go to bed.
I sat down on the bed and glared at my suitcases as if it's their fault that I'm leaving. I envy the people who get to see their family everyday. Why does everyone I care about have to go live away from everyone else.
It's like all the people I love decided to go their separate ways and then all call for me to see who I come to. Like I'm some fucking dog. I would do anything to be in multiple places at once.
I want to be here with Adam and I want to be with Charlie and Bella. Though I'd never admit it to Bella, I would've followed the Cullens as well. However when I have to choose one place to be, they can't compete with my family.
Within minutes, I was tucking myself into my bed. I still have to sleep on my back, it's not comfy but it's doctors orders. Plus I'm still wearing my post op binder so I can't sleep with my wings out. I can't wait until I'm all healed so I can be shirtless and comfortable for the first time in who knows how long.
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I sat at the kitchen table with a pout on my face as Adam prepared some breakfast. I don't want to go, I don't want to be apart from Adam anymore. It's not okay or fair or acceptable at all.
He was humming softly as he plated some eggs and set them in front of me. I tried not to look at him with sad puppy eyes but it seems like a failed based on the way he ruffled my hair with a frown. He got his own plate and set it across from me before sitting down.
I hesitated, I really am not hungry. I'm too on edge to have an appetite.
"Eat." He said as I watched him, "they don't serve meals on you flight. I don't want you going hungry. Charlie would think I wasn't taking care of you good enough if I let you go without eating first."
I picked up my fork and poked and the eggs for a moment, "you've been taking great care of me. I won't let anyone think otherwise."
Eating a few bites in silence, I wondered how Adam seems so okay. He's sitting across from me, innocently eating and flipping through a magazine.
He's acting nothing like he did last time I had to leave him. Last time he was emotional all day and spent most of it looking at me longingly like I was being shipped off to war.
Maybe he knows how hard it was for me to see him like that and then leave. It was nearly impossible for me to hold it together enough to leave without him. All I wanted to do was throw myself on the floor and scream and cry like a toddler. Of course I didn't though, I'm not a toddler.
"You're gonna have to let me know how Bella is doing when you get to see her again." Adam started. "All I've been hearing about is how not okay she is, I can't help that I'm feeling worried."
I nodded, "yeah. I'll keep you updated on everything."
I doubt Bella will be at the airport with Charlie when he's picking me up, I kinda wish she will be. I miss her but not the her she is right now. I miss the old Bella, the one who I could talk to and cook dinner with. We've never had much in common but we've always got along despite that.
I want to start hanging out with her again, but I can't well all she wants to do is sit in the corner and be sad. That's not a fun person to be around, it's depressing and I don't need the extra depression right now.
"I wish," I hesitated. "I wish she was okay. I miss her, I hate seeing her so down."
"She'll get through this, she just needs time to center herself again." Adam said.
I hope so.
After our late breakfast, it was time to head to the airport. I waited in the apartment as Adam carried my bags out to his car. I appreciate the few minutes of alone time, the few minutes to convince myself not to cry. I'm not a baby, I don't need to cry.
When we were sitting in the car, it was harder to breathe. I can't seem to calm myself down anymore, all I can think about is going back to lonely Forks with a worried father and a depressed friend. All I can think about is all the reminders of my old family. The things I refuse to touch or move because they were the last people to use them.
I still have an art textbook open on my desk because I couldn't manage to close it on the last page Carlisle was on.
It's pathetic, I'm pathetic.
Traffic started to slow down as we got closer and closer to the airport. The taxis and shuttle buses making the roads crowded. All it did was give me a few extra minutes to try and pull myself together.
When we pulled up to the drop off station, I reluctantly unbuckled my seatbelt. By the time I managed to get out of the car, Adam already had my bags out of the trunk. He balanced my backpack on top of my largest suite case and quickly wrapped me in his arms.
He pressed his cheek to my hair and rocked us slightly, "I'm gonna miss you, buddy. Lots."
"Shut up, I'm gonna cry." I mumbled against his chest.
His grip on me tightened for a moment as he hummed, "I promise I'll plan a trip out to Forks soon. I don't want to go a year without seeing you again."
He kept his hands on my shoulders as he pulled away. Its hard to look at his sad eyes and kept myself together.
"You better because I don't think I can manage another year without you." I told him.
He smiled sadly, "I will. You gonna be able to get your bags by yourself?"
I nodded.
The acknowledgment that I actually had to leave made my stomach turn. I'm back in that mood where all I want to do is cry and kick my feet. I want to whine about how it's not fair and that I shouldn't have to leave.
I didn't.
Adam helped me put my backpack on my back and pointed me to the correct door to go in. He pulled me in for one last quick hug and kissed my forehead.
"Don't miss me too much," he joked as he started walking back to his car.
"Oh please, I can't wait to get you off my back!" I called to him.
His answering laugh made me smile as I turned to walk into the building.
It wasn't until I was seated on the plane that I let a few stray tears fall. I quickly wiped them away to avoid looking to depressing, but crying in airports or on planes is acceptable. It's still sad though.
The whole day went by in a daze, I couldn't keep myself focused on reality. All I wanted was to get home to my room and take a minute to settle down. I need a minute to adjust back to my normal life.
When my last flight landed in Port Angeles, I waited until most of the people were off the plane. I'm in no rush to be back, I missed Charlie and Bella but things aren't the same right now. I'm not happy with where I'm going to be.
I watched my feet as I walked off the small plane, only looking up when I reached the bottom of the stairs. Charlie was watching me and I tried to smile when our eyes met.
He met me halfway and instantly took my bags from me. "Declan, let me carry those. How was your flights?"
We made small talk on the way to the car, I didn't have the energy to really start a conversation. Luckily, Charlie could see that I wasn't really in the best mood. He's always been really understanding so it's not surprising that he's aware that I'm kinda sad.
I felt relieved when we pulled up to the familiar house. I can't wait to just go to my room and have a few minutes to bring myself back to reality.
As I walked up the driveway, I saw Bella siting in front of her familiar window and shook my head. I can't stand this anymore, I'm done letting her be so empty.
I followed Charlie upstairs, and he put my bags up in my room. Then he went downstairs to order something for dinner. I'm going to take this time to talk some sense into Bella. Or at least, tell her how I feel.
I paused outside her door and tried to decide what I would say. Knocking on the door, I decided to just wing it.
"Come in." She mumbled so softly that if my hearing wasn't fairly good, I doubt I'd hear it.
I opened the door and shut it behind me before moving to stand next to her. She was seated in her chair, facing the window. Just like I left her weeks ago.
"Bella, you have to stop." I started. "It's time you fucking stop and start living again. I'm sick of this."
She blinked a few times in surprise before looking at me, "what?"
"You heard me. It's been months, you need to move on. They're not coming back, so start being your own person again. I miss you." I added the last statement to try and show her that I still care about her.
"I can't." She mumbled before looking back out of the window.
I sighed heavily and rubbed my face, I don't have the energy for this right now.
"Jesus fucking Christ, Bella. I'm so sick of this!" I started back towards the door. "You're just ruining everyone else's time because your boyfriend left. Get over yourself and realize that youre not the only one who got left behind."
I felt her eyes on me as I opened the door.
"The day after they left, I remember thinking that I was thankful that you were still here. I didn't think you'd leave me alone, but you did. You're making this so much worse." I left the room and closed the door behind me.
I'm not going to waste more time on her. After everything I've been though, I'm not going to let this break me.