|: Cigarettes and Candy :| Carlisle... - Chapter 30: Chapter 30

Declan's POV.
So causal.
"Jacob's kinda a werewolf?" I snapped. "What the fuck? What do you mean? I need more."
She rolled her eyes and huffed, moving to sit on my bed she slouched.
"He's been acting weird and avoiding me so I went to his house today and saw this other guy, Paul, transform into a giant wolf. Then Jake came running and turned into a wolf. There's a group of them, they're a pack." Bella explained.
I'm so tired and sick of this shit. Bella will always find a way into danger, I don't know why I am surprised.
"Did you know?" She asked, her tone going hard. "Did you know that there's werewolves in la push?"
I moved to sit next to her, "I honestly had no idea that werewolves even existed."
Is this area a hot spot for the supernatural? The Cullens, the werewolves in la push, and Simon and I. That's a lot of monsters for such a small piece of the planet.
"I didn't think you'd believe me so easily." Bella admitted.
I scoffed and laughed softly, "why would you make this up?"
We sat together quietly, both of us seemingly in disbelief.
I tried to picture Jacob somehow turning into a wolf. Was it like a horror movie? Did his body painfully contort and grow into some hairy beast? It's hard to imagine it, Jacob was always so smiley and happy. He shouldn't be some sort of movie monster.
"Who else is in their pack?" I asked.
I need to know who to avoid.
"Uhm, most of them you don't know but you've seen Sam Uley." She answered.
Sam Uley? The man that carried Bella out of the woods after Edward dumped her?
I guess that makes sense. How else would he have been able to find her? If he has special wolfy senses then he must've smelled her despair or something.
Thinking back to when Bella first found out about the Cullens, I came up with another question.
"Did Jacob spill all their secrets to you like Edward did?"
I saw her flinch at the name and a part of me felt bad for her. The rest of me wants to tell her to start to move on.
Edward told her everything about his family. Well, they all told us everything. They shared so much of themselves and their secrets for them just to leave after not even a year.
She frowned, "yes. Not just Jacob, they were all willing to share. I told them things that I know as well."
I stopped breathing, "you what?"
I felt her look at me but I continued to stare at the wall ahead of me. "I told them what I know about the supernatural."
I felt my heart racing in my chest, I heard it pounding in my ears as my anger started to grow.
"Bella," I whispered. "Did you tell them about me? Did you tell them about what I am?"
I didn't need to look at her to see her tense up, I felt the change in her in the air. I felt her heart rate speed up and I felt her body grow cold.
I stood up and started pacing the length of my room.
"Declan, I'm sorry." She rushed out. "I didn't think about how you-"
"You didn't think about me!" I sneered. "You never think about me!"
I looked at her to see her eyes filled with panic. At least she can see that she fucked up.
"They said they protect humans from vampires. I told them that you aren't dangerous just like the Cullens weren't." She explained.
I brought my hands up to my face and groaned into them. "Ugh! They didn't need to know about me at all. They kill vampires! I am a mother fucking vampire!"
Lowering my voice when I remembered that Bella and I don't live alone, I listened to make sure Charlie was still snoring. Thankfully he is still sleeping peacefully on the floor below.
"They won't hurt you." Bella defended.
I shook my head. "You don't know that."
"I do-"
Holding up a hand to stop her, I frown. "Go to bed. I don't want to talk about it. There's nothing to talk about."
She stood up and brushed her hair off of her face. "I'm sorry."
I turned away from her and let her let herself out of my room.
I sat back down on my bed and tried not to think about what I just learned. Of course, my mind would rather obsess over it instead.
I knew that many people over in la push didn't like the Cullens. I always wondered why but I never asked them about it. I figured it wasn't my problem, now it might be.
Actually, I remember the first time I met Esme, she tried to tell me about la push. Carlisle wouldn't let her. It was probably for the best, I had no reason to fear the wolves. They wouldn't have know about me, they'd have no way of finding out.
I wonder if Billy and Harry are aware of the wolves. I'm sure that they are. Especially if Jacob is one of them. How will they feel knowing that I live with their best friend Charlie and his accident prone daughter.
How much do they even know about genetic vampires? If they only know whatever Bella told them then there might be a lot of misunderstandings because I haven't told Bella a lot about me. Hell, I'm still learning about what I am and what I am capable of.
My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out quickly. Who would be texting me at this time?
Simon.
I'm sorry for freaking you out, that wasn't my intention. I hope you made it home safe.
I was never mad at him and I don't blame him for my sudden panic. I'd rather be aware of upcoming doom then continue to live my life unaware of what this odd feeling is.
That's old news now, I have to ask about what I learned from Bella.
Do you know about werewolves? Are they dangerous?
I hesitated on hitting send, what if he doesn't even know werewolves exist?
Only having waited for a moment, my phone buzzed a couple times as he responded.
La Push? They aren't a problem.
Just don't let them know what we are.
God dammit.
I debated telling him that they already know, but how would I even begin to explain how they found out. I'd rather not involve Bella. She shouldn't be a part of this, she's human.
I wouldn't be able to explain that Bella only knows because we were friends with a family of other vampires. She dated one of them for a little while then this other feral fucking guy decided he wanted to eat her then I had to tell her about me. That's too complicated of a story.
Finally I came to the decision that I'd only tell Simon that they know if it becomes a problem. It's not like he's in danger, they don't know about him. They won't because I won't tell them. No matter what they do to me.
I tried to relax my shoulders as I felt a migraine coming on. Each day I seem to be put in a new and stressful situation. Most people would agree, life is stressful.
However, I'm dealing with god damn werewolves now. What's next? What else is real? The Loch Ness monster and Mothman?
Deep down, I have to admit, I feel a bit of joy. Not because of the werewolves or Bella's knowledge of them, but because Bella told me. We hardly talk now, especially about anything supernatural.
She came to me and told me about what's going on in her life, even though she thought I wouldn't believe her.
After waiting for a few minutes, I decided that my migraine was not going away. If anything it's getting worse, as is that feeling of oncoming doom.
I stood up and carefully made my way to the bathroom, trying to be quiet to not disturb Charlie or Bella. I closed the door behind me and flicked on the lights before wincing at how bright they are.
I pulled my shirt off before opening the medicine cabinet to grab some migraine relief pills and my silicone scar gel. I dumped three pills into my palm before tossing them in my mouth. I used the water from the tap to wash them down.
I sighed as I took the cap off my scar gel. I carefully squeezed some of the gel onto the back of my hand before taking some on my fingertips. I yawned as I started to massage the gel into the scars on my chest.
I caught my eyes in the mirror and my frown deepened. I tried to remember a time when I didn't look so empty. I see myself in photos and I look so different. I smile and glow in the pictures of Adam and I, I used to pose and laugh with Emmett and Jasper. Was it all just for show?
Looking at myself now and seeing this empty human shaped shell isn't new to me. It's as if I've been this way ever since I could remember. As a child, with my mother, I wasn't really allowed to be different from her. I was raised to be a carbon copy of what she was. I never got to make choices for myself, I never got to grow.
Being taken away from her was my turn to be myself, but how can you be yourself when you never really developed as a person. I started to develop. I found inspiration and love and happiness, eventually it all seems to disappear though. There's nothing left for me to be now, it's all gone.
As each person goes more and more of me goes with them.
People always said I was loyal to a fault. I follow those I was told to without question, but I got better at making choices. Instead of following those I feared, I choose to follow those who I grew to love. Loyal to a fault didn't seem that bad.
Then they left. Each one of them left and a piece of me followed them all.
I carefully and quietly put the scar gel away when I was finished. I brushed my teeth and washed my face while avoiding looking at myself again.
It amazes me how my mind quickly turns things like "I hate my anxiety" and "I hate my trauma" into "I hate myself."
It's odd. As I grow more comfortable with my body and my gender identity, it seems I start to struggle with other parts of myself. I guess after taking away the constant thoughts about hormone replacement therapy and top surgery I'm left to face who I really am. I'm left with reality.
I grabbed my shirt from the floor and went back to my room, closing the hatch behind me I sat on the edge of my bed and looked out the small window.
The moon at its waning crescent phase and there's many bright stars surrounding it. That's another good thing about Forks, the stars are almost always visible. There's no bright city lights to outshine them.
I miss the nights where I would sit here with Carlisle, or the nights where I'd insist we sneak out to climb trees and point out constellations. Whenever he and I had quiet time to ourselves and it was like we were the only two people in the world and there wasn't anything we couldn't share with each other.
I always thought that falling it love was something that happened before you realized it. At least, I figured that's how it would happen to me. I thought I would look at someone who I cared about just to suddenly realize I was in love.
It didn't happen that way, not in the slightest. I didn't accidentally fall in love, I choose to.
I laid down as I thought, staring up at the ceiling because staring out into the night sky was too much.
I choose to fall in love just like I choose trust and like I choose to share and grow. Not just with Carlisle, but with all of them. I made the choice to love them all, even when Edward was pissing me off or Alice was over stepping peoples boundaries or Rosalie was being rude to Bella. I chose to love them just like they chose to love me.
I'm hard to love, I think pretty much everyone is at times.
Even though I would tell anyone and everyone that Carlisle was perfect in all ways, he had his moments as well. His refusal to let me be there for him when he needed comfort frustrated me, just like my need to act like everything is fine frustrated him.
I choose to love Carlisle differently, I shared more and trusted more.
He let me down.
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I woke up in a panic, my chest felt tight and my eyes were filled with tears. Even when I woke up, the feeling of being chased wouldn't leave. I had to resist looking over my shoulder every five minutes as if there would be someone or something there.
I laid on my side with my arms wrapped around me, I tightened my grip around myself until it was painful. I listened to my own racing heartbeat in my ears, it seemed to echo in my empty vessel of a body. My hands are freezing against my skin as if my blood has actually gone cold.
I growled softly at myself as I felt tears rising to the surface again. It's one of those rare moments where I desperately want to be held, but at the same time the thought of being touched makes me feel nauseous. My body feels too tight but I don't feel like I can make myself small enough.
That feeling, that nagging itchy feeling, it's getting worse. It's louder and larger than ever. I feel as if my fight or flight response has been triggered but all I can do is sit and shake in a pathetic little ball on my bed.
I shook until the sun rose, then I laid quietly until I heard Charlie moving downstairs. My body aches as I sit up, my tense muscles refusing to cooperate. I placed my socked feet on the floor and shivered.
Frantically looking around for my warmest hoodie, I made my room a bigger mess than it already was. I dressed myself quickly and paced a few laps around my room to try and calm myself.
When pacing didn't work, I decided fuck it and made my way downstairs. I hyped myself up in my mind as I prepared myself to see Charlie in the kitchen.
He must've heard me coming down the stairs because when I turned the corner he was pouring coffee into two mugs. He offered one to me when I entered the room. I took it with a quiet thank you and sat at the kitchen table.
Charlie and I sat in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the early morning quietness. The sound of his loud dad breathing gave me something to listen to and focus on other than my hammering heart. I tried to match my breathing to his.
Long inhale, long exhale. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
"We're going fishing today, since the weather is better." Charlie told me.
I know he meant he and Billy Black and most likely Harry Clearwater. I worried about the werewolf thing, but now I'm worrying about the fact that Bella told these werewolves about me. Does Billy Black know about me now? Will he tell Charlie?
Charlie left before Bella woke up, leaving me alone with that sickening anxiety again. After finishing my second mug of coffee, I went into the living room and curled up on Charlie's chair.
Eventually I heard Bella moving around, by the time she came downstairs I had closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. I don't feel like talking to her, part of me feels like I can't talk to anyone.
I'm barely holding myself together, one more bad conversation may be all it takes to make me snap.
I didn't move from Charlie's chair, even when I heard a car pull up to the house. I heard the three of them talking outside and they made their way to the house. I shifted to a sitting position as Charlie opened the front door and he and his friends flooded inside.
Charlie headed to the kitchen with an announcement of nothing was biting. Harry followed Charlie with a nod in my direction, leaving me exactly where I didn't want to be. Alone with Billy Black.
I stood up before I looked at him, I was going to smile until I saw the stern look on his face. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion but crossed my arms over my chest.
"Declan," he greeted. "Staying out of trouble, right?"
I nodded and smiled, "always."
He hummed and seemed to look me up and down as if my vampirism is visible when my wings aren't out.
"Well, I've heard some things." His voice grew quieter. "I think you should know, we're watching you."
I blinked as an amused smile grew on my face. "Good luck with that."
He stayed silent and part of me wanted to thank him for making me smile. I've been feeling so shitty it seems odd to smile when everything feels so wrong.
"Declan? Your phone is ringing." Charlie called from the kitchen.
He and Harry we're leaving as I was walking in, beers in their hands. I guess they'll be taking up the living room now.
My phone stopped ringing right as I got to it. One missed call from Madeline, Adam's oldest sister. I quickly picked it up and dialed her back, wondering why she would call me so suddenly without warning. She's always been known for texting before she calls anyone.
A part of me told me to stop as I hit the call button. I didn't even notice that I was nervously chewing on my nail until I brought the phone to my ear.
"Declan!" She answered on the first ring.
Her tone made me sway on my feet, she's been crying. Suddenly I was being chased again, the tightness was back.
"Maddy? What's wrong?" My voice sounded as weak as hers.
The phone shook against my ear as she managed to get out the words. "There was an accident. He-"
A sob cut her off.
My hand loudly landed on the kitchen table in front of me as I held myself steady.
"An accident? Was Adam in an accident?!" I rushed out.
"A truck h-hit his car." Madeline cried.
I started looking around the kitchen in a panic as if that would help me form my plan. "I'll be on the first flight to New York, I'll be there as soon as I can. Tell him I'm on my way!"
The feeling changed. I wasn't being chased anymore, I was caught.
Her crying grew more hysterical, "Declan, h-he didn't make it."
I felt myself hit the floor before I knew I was falling, I felt my throat aching before I realized the screaming was coming from me. I felt my cold hands on my face as I tried to cover my eyes to make the world go away.
I knew I was screaming and kicking at everything I could reach, but I couldn't stop. Not even when I felt warm hands on me and when I barely managed to hear Charlie's voice though my screams.
He was frantically trying to talk over me, trying to calm me while also begging me to tell him what was wrong. I could hear everything he was saying, but I had no control over myself.
I realized I was being held against Charlie's chest when the screaming turned into sobbing. I heard lots of voices talking over each other but Charlie's was the loudest, he's the closest.
My head was on his shoulder, I heard him repeatedly say I don't know.
I don't know either.
Warm hands were rubbing up and down my back, but the cold wouldn't leave me. I trembled with it. Even though my hands were gripping what must be Charlie's shirt they continued to shake. The icy feeling coats my entire body, I wonder if it'll soak into Charlie next. I'm not big enough to hold it all.
Charlie held me against him tightly and I don't know if I'm pushing him always from me of pulling myself closer to the only source of comfort I have.
I couldn't make myself speak as Charlie continuously asked what was wrong. I wanted to start screaming again but I couldn't even make myself do that. I don't even know if I'm sobbing or just silently shaking. I can't feel myself moving anymore, I can't even feel the trembling.
My vision wouldn't focus, my voice wouldn't work, my hands wouldn't move. I was left on the floor with Charlie pleading for me to calm down.
I wasn't being chased anymore, I was caught.