|: Cigarettes and Candy :| Carlisle... - Chapter 31: Chapter 31

Declan's POV.
I woke up, not even remembering when I fell asleep. I was surrounded by a familiar scent but not my scent. I wasn't in my bed that I made into a makeshift nest, I believe I'm in Charlie's room. There's no way I could be carried up the ladder into my room, so I guess I was dropped off in Charlie's.
I tried to open my eyes but they burn and I'd rather just go back to sleep. I'd rather fall into a coma.
There's blankets covering me, I pulled them tighter around myself and tried to feel comfort in the warmth. I swallowed the lump in my throat and rolled onto my other side.
I sniffled and listened to hear if I was alone. I can't hear any other breathing in the room with me, I don't want to be alone.
"Charlie?" I tried to call but my voice refused to go higher than a whisper.
"Charlie!" I tried again.
It was a little bit louder, but not nearly enough based on the fact that I hear no movement from the floor below.
A small sob broke out of me, I buried my face into a pillow and let the trembling start again. My shoulders hurt from the tension that has refused to leave me for the past day or so. It's only gotten worse and my world continues to crumble around me.
After a few more quiet sobs, I reminded myself that I didn't want to be alone. Opening my eyes for a second, I saw the nightstand that was within arms reach. There was only an alarm clock and a framed picture that I choose to ignore.
I reached for the small piece of furniture and pushed. I used more strength than I should have, but who the fuck cares anymore. The nightstand fell causing a bang loud enough to alert Charlie who seems to be in the living room downstairs.
He rushed up the stairs and only paused to knock on the door before opening it.
A small bit of light from the hallway light made me realize how dark it is in the room. It's nighttime now, how long have I been asleep? How long was I breaking down?
How long has Adam been dead?
A wrecked sob hurt my throat as I pushed my face into the pillow again, trying to keep the light from the hall from reaching me. As if staying in the dark room will keep me safe from the rest of the world.
I heard Charlie step in the room and push the door closed behind him. His knee pops as he crouched by the side of the bed. I felt the weight of his hand rest on my side as he sighed.
"I-I'm sorry." I managed to force out between painful breaths.
I'm sorry for pushing over the nightstand. I'm sorry for screaming and kicking and crying. I'm sorry for causing a scene in front of his friends. I'm sorry for not being able to tell anyone what's wrong. I'm sorry for not being able to force myself to be okay. I'm sorry that I'm such a terrible person to be around. I'm sorry that death and loss and tragedy seems to follow me.
Charlie shushed me as I attempted to apologize again.
"It's okay, you're okay." He comforted.
I shook my head against the pillow.
It's really not okay. I'm really not okay.
"He's-," my mouth refused to say the words.
He shushed me again. "I know."
He moved his hand up and down soothingly, the movement gave me a pattern to focus my breathing on. Eventually my breaths became even and less pain inducing.
After I could breathe easier, I rolled onto my back and whined as I sat up. The room spun around me as I tried to keep the nausea from getting worse.
Charlie moves his hand to my back and carefully avoids my legs as he sits on the bed with me. I pulled my legs up and wrapped my arms around them, physically holding myself together. Who knows what would happen if I let myself go? I'd probably start screaming again.
Together we sat silently for a few minutes, Charlie continued to rub my back and I tried to keep my breathing steady.
I have to go to New York, right? I have to go to a church and look at him and his mourning family and have that burned into my memory forever. I can't, I can't do that. I can't go back there.
There will be a funeral, that what his family will do. A chance to say goodbye, people call it. I'm not going to say goodbye, I can't say goodbye to him.
Everyone is gone. My future is gone.
I was going to be with Adam until he-
My breathing stuttered, Charlie noticed and shushed me again.
"It's okay, keep breathing. You were doing good." He said softly.
"I have to go to New York." I stated, my voice slowly coming back.
He nodded with a hum, "I'll go with you."
I was shaking my head before I even understood why.
He can't come with me, then I have no choice but to come back. I'll have no choice but to keep moving forward, he won't let me do anything other than that. If I go alone, I can just disappear.
Go to New York and travel even further upstate to the dense forests and become a local urban legend. I'll be this sad winged creature that lives in a cave. All alone. Forever.
"No?" Charlie asked in response to my head shaking.
I cleared my throat and winced, "I can go alone."
Hell, maybe I'll sneak into Canada. Everyone says it's nice there. I don't have a passport, but who needs one when you can just fly yourself across the boarder.
I always wanted to see the northern lights, maybe I'll take myself to Alaska.
Wait.
"I don't think you should be doing something like this alone, Declan." Charlie protested. "I can take the time off work, I'll put someone else in charge for a week or so."
I barely registered his words as my mind raced, it's a crazy idea but at this point what do I have to lose?
If I'm planning on falling off the face of the earth, might as well make an effort to try and find the Cullens first. For no reason other than the fact that I genuinely don't think I can go on without them. It's selfish and I'm setting myself up for failure and even more heartbreak.
Knowing me and my life, I could find them. At the same time, I could be faced with the fact that they don't want me. I can show up where ever they are just to be shoved away and spat on.
They lived in Alaska in the past. I doubt they went back so soon, but I know who's still there.
The Denali coven.
"I'd rather go alone Charlie." I tried to explain but talking feels so difficult. "His family can take me in for a couple days. You don't need to be there."
Please don't let this turn into anything like that time Bella and I had to tell Charlie we were going to Jacksonville. I can't make him feel like I don't want him or need him.
I need to do this alone. I can't make this fucked up plan work with him with me.
The Denali's are practically family to my Cullens. At least that's what I was told. The word cousins was used to describe their relationship. They are always in Denali, Alaska.
Three sisters, and then a couple. Fuck! Why can't I remember their names?
I know somewhat where their property is located. I know theirs is the only home up in that specific mountain area. If I find them, would they be willing to help me?
"I don't know, Declan." Charlie started.
I cut him off with a hug, I smushed my face into his shirt and wrapped my arms around his torso.
"I can do this," I whispered. "I need to do this myself."
He sighed heavily, "okay."
The worst thing that could happen, is if the Denali family decides to kill me. I don't think that's likely, considering that Carlisle is friends with them. I'm sure they know of me, and if they don't I don't think Carlisle would be so close with people who would be so quick to murder.
The best thing that could happen, is they lead me in the right direction. If they help me find my Cullens I can beg them to take me back. I will literally get on my knees and beg each one of them to let me join their family again.
What do I have to lose?
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The bullshit plan I made somehow continued to piece itself together. Or I'm just crazy enough to make this seem like it's working.
Either way, it's keeping me from realizing what's really happened. I can't even think about why I'm even at this point without having a panic attack.
I know, logically, what happened is true. I know that he's gone, I can practically feel that he's gone. The world feels so much colder.
However, I can't seem to remember it. I have these moments where I relive the phone call, I can hear Madeline's crying voice and I can hear my own screams. Those moments pass, and I'm left with my mind busy with finding my Cullens.
It makes me worry, when I'm laid in bed and trying to sleep and I suddenly realize what happened and I break down all over again. Just to wake up the next morning and begin packing a duffle bag with whatever the fuck I grab first.
Charlie booked me a flight to New York. Told me to let Adam's family know when I'd be arriving at the airport so they could pick me up.
I emailed Adam's mom to tell her that I couldn't go. I couldn't stand the thought of watching them lower a casket with my best friend inside it into the earth. Her answering email was more than understanding, she asked me to keep in touch. She promised that she loves me just like he did.
All the money I had saved over the years was going towards my own secret plane ticket to Alaska. I had to pocket all my cash without Bella noticing as she folded the clothes I tossed in her direction. She's helping me pack and trying to keep from looking too worried as she does. The way she bites her lip gives her away though.
She's carefully placing my things into the duffle after she tried to convince me to take a real suitcase. I told her it doesn't matter, I don't need much clothes. I didn't even plan on packing a fake funeral outfit. I'm not gonna waste time trying to amuse her. It wouldn't be out of character for me to show up in jeans and a hoodie. I don't own much else.
I already had my toothbrush and toothpaste packed, along with my testosterone shot things. No other toiletries, I don't need anything else. It doesn't matter.
I sat on the edge of my bed and watched Bella as she organized my bag. I glanced at my bedside table and quickly took the picture of Adam and I and turned it around. I can't have his smiling face watching me.
I felt sick even as I looked at the photo of Jasper and I that also sits on my bedside table. I wanted to think that I'd see him soon and that he'd be happy to see me. All my thought went to a sick fantasy where they were all happy to see me, I doubt that it would happen that way.
They wanted to get away, but I need them back. After everything I need them to take me back. I'll go wherever I have to, I'll do whatever I have to. I just need them back.
Bella carried my bag downstairs where Charlie met us in the living room. She hugged me tightly and whispered that she loves me before letting go. I couldn't bring myself to say it back.
Charlie grabbed my bag before I could, and started heading towards the door. He told Bella he'd be back soon and that they'll figure out dinner later. I stayed silent as I climbed into the car, I stay silent as Charlie drove us in the direction of the airport.
The usual long drive felt even longer, there was so conversation between us. I stared out the window blankly to let my mind keep replaying the same twisted fantasies. Esme sending me away with disgust in her eyes. Carlisle telling me he never really cared about me like he said he did. All of them agreeing that they never really loved me.
When Charlie pulled up the the airport and got out of the car, I could feel the dread from him. He doesn't want me to go, not alone at least. I hate myself for putting him through this.
I was hugged tightly for a long time, longer than the usual hug. Charlie told me to at least text him when I was with Adam's family. I lied, I told him I would.
Reluctantly, he let me go. I took my duffle bag and headed into the airport, heading straight for the front service desk.
The man at the desk seemed alarmed when I payed for a ticket on the soonest flight to Alaska in cash. Most likely thinking I'm some teenage runaway, which I guess in a way I am. He handed my ticket over with a sad smile, and I nodded in thanks as I walked away.
I kept a careful eye on the people around me. Mostly the airport employees. If they really think I'm a kid on the run they might try to prevent me from getting on the plane and leaving. That's the last thing I need right now. Getting arrested at the airport and having to be picked up and taken home isn't part of the plan.
I was filled with disbelief as I boarded the plane, even more so when the plane actually took off.
I'm really doing it. I'm saying fuck it and going to Alaska to find my god damn dumb bitch Cullens. Except for Esme, she's not a dumb bitch.
The flight was long, I seemed to go back and fourth between trying not to cry and trying not to vomit. Reality finally began to catch up with me the longer I sat on the plane.
What in the hell was I thinking?
That thought repeated in my mind as the plane descended, when we landed I had to keep my hands over my face to hide my panicked tears.
What the fuck was I thinking?
People started rushing off the plane as I sat still and tense.
Did I really think that I was going to be able to fly to Alaska and just find Carlisle's friends? Even if I do, what the fuck does that mean for me? They could easily send me away and I'll have no way to get home and no money for food or a hotel.
I was one of the last people off the plane, the flight attendants were watching me carefully. I did my best to stay cool and calm as I took my duffle from the overhead thing and walked off.
Luckily I only had one bag and I carried it on with me, so I didn't have to wait at baggage claim.
However, that means I have no idea what to do now. I already have a map that I ripped from a book, so I could start heading towards the mountains in Denali. Or I could just call Charlie and cry until he finds a way to save me and get me home.
I paced in front of the doors of the airport for a while before I made my decision. I can't just go back to Forks. I have no future there, I have no reason to wimp out and go back to Charlie and Bella. I have to do this.
With a completely fake amount of determination, I grabbed my bag from the floor and heading in the direction of nearby trees. I need to get myself in the air.
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I don't know how long I flew or how many times I needed to stop to rest. I kept myself focused on the end goal.
At this point I can just ask the Denali family to help me get home. If I chicken out of my original plan to demand them to tell me where the Cullens are then that's my backup plan.
I followed the roads but stayed in the tree line, eventually I found a single dirt road that lead farther up the mountain. After following that road for a while I began to feel certain that I was heading in the right direction.
I could see lights in the distance, not enough to be a town but enough to be a large house. I found a glimmer of hope deep inside of me as I started to fly faster.
It's probably a better idea to fly over the house to see if it's even the right place before I just march up to the door and cry. Maybe I'll be able to land in a nearby tree and spot vampires in the area.
The lights in the distance grew closer, but I needed a break. I flew to a tree that looked sturdy and landed on a large branch. I panted and stretched for a few minutes before I heard voices.
"Don't you hear that?" A unfamiliar voice stressed.
"There's someone out there!" The same voice said.
My panicked reaction was immediate, I didn't even understand what the answering comment was. I could barely hear it as my heart started hammering.
I quickly soared over to a different tree with fuller branches before deciding that I wanted to be on the ground. Maybe I can pretend to be a lost human, with my wings put away no one can tell the difference.
I made it to the ground in record time and pulled my shirt on as I hid behind a large tree trunk. I heard footsteps and I couldn't tell how many people where there. More than one obviously cause that voice was obviously talking to someone.
Hiding from a vampire like this is useless, they can hear my heart and my breathing and my blood flowing through me veins.
"Someone's hiding." The voice said.
It wasn't playful or teasing, it was just a guy pointing out the truth. I began to calm down even more as I realized that I don't seem to be the prey.
The footsteps stopped, "do you think someone's lost?"
No.
That's not him. Things don't work out this way.
I stumbled over numb feet as I made my way out from around the tree.
Three sets of gold eyes were looking at me all filled with confusion. I didn't recognize the dark haired man, and I didn't have it in my to look him over again to try and place who he might be. Two blondes stared at me in disbelief.
I looked between the two of them rapidly, looking for any sign that I needed to flee. Their perfect faces are full of alarm, but they continued to watch me as if they understood that there's no threat here.
"Declan?" Carlisle's flawless and familiar voice asked.
Hearing him speak was enough to knock me out of my trace. Everything flooded back to me, every hurt and ache, every moment where I wished to be around them again.
My knees buckled as I covered the sob that escaped my lips with my hands. I rushed forward on shaking legs and crashed into the hard chest of the vampire, wrapped my arms tightly around his torso.
"Jasper!" I cried as I clung to my friend and buried my face into his chest. "Jasper."
His arms wrapped around me hesitantly and I heard a few broken words from home but I cut him off with me own hysteric cries.
"He's dead!" I sobbed into him. "Adam's dead!"
More half said words of confusion we my only response.
When breathing became impossible I had to settle with pressing my cheek to his chest instead. I could hear his breathing, it doesn't sound relaxed. Hearing his breathing made me realize the way that my own breathing seemed to be stuttering. My breaths were as shaky as the rest of me.
I felt Carlisle's hand on my shoulder. "Dec, please calm down-,"
"Don't touch me!" I yelled as I pulled myself and Jasper away from him.
Jasper made me pull away so he could remove his coat before he wrapped the material around me. He started pulling me towards the direction they came.
"Cmon, lets get you back to the house where we can talk." Jasper said with confusion still in his voice.
He kept a steadying hand on my back as he lead me through the forest. The other man and Carlisle stayed behind, or at least I didn't hear them following us.
When it was just the two of us, I managed to stutter out a brief explanation about why I was here and what has been happening. I couldn't even begin to ask him why he was here, I never expected to see any of the Cullens on this crazy as fuck trip I decided to take.
I kept my eyes on his face instead of where I was walking, I just can't believe that he's here. I can't believe I get to see him again, and he's walking so close to me. He doesn't hate me, he's not mad at me.
The house came into view right when I heard Carlisle and the other man behind us for the first time. I didn't even pay attention to what the house looked like when I noticed a few women standing on the large porch. I recognized one of those women instantly.
"Esme!" I called and ran up the steps before crashing into her.
Her vampire strength must've been what kept her standing after I slammed into her. Her arms wrapped around my shoulders and guided my head to lean against her. Her cold fingers carded through my hair as I began to cry again.
"Come on inside, dear. Let's get you warmed up." Her tone caring and her hands gentle as she pulled me through the front door.
I pulled away from her hug to look at her face. It's the same as it always was, perfect and kind and loving. She went from looking at me to pointedly looked past my shoulder.
I followed her gaze to Carlisle, he was standing with the man from the forest. His hands were wound together like he always would do when he was nervous. I could only look at his face for a second.
I know I'm hurting him, but I can't fucking do it right now. I can't go over there and hug him and tell him how much I missed him. Not after everything that happened.
Instead I turned back to Esme, "I'm so sorry."
At this point I don't even know what I'm apologizing for.
Her cold hands found my face, her thumbs running under my eyes. "You look exhausted. Let's get you washed up and into bed."