|: Cigarettes and Candy :| Carlisle... - Chapter 33: Chapter 33

Declan's POV
It was clear that we needed to get off our asses when Esme returned from wherever she was in the woods. She climbed up the back deck stairs and I rushed to stand and pull her into a hug. When she pulled away, she pointed at Carlisle.
Pack your things we are going home.
I thought that she meant wherever they had been living since they left and I was prepared to follow. I went to find my duffle bag and when I got back to Carlisle and Esme's side they were booking plane tickets to Seattle.
Jasper is running, I was told. He can't sit on a plane with all the humans, it's too much of a risk. Rosalie and Emmett are apparently going to meet us at the airport and drive us home. Esme said we are going home.
I stood to the side as the few Cullens that are here said there goodbyes to the Denali family. Feeling as if I was intruding, I kept myself busy by sending a quick text to Charlie. Just letting him know that I'm fine, of course he doesn't know where I am but I am okay.
Simon texted me multiple times the past few days. I wasn't ignoring him to be mean, it's more so about the fact that I don't know him well enough to let him into this. He and I are casual friends, he doesn't even know that the Cullens were my friends. He doesn't even know that the Cullens were in Forks.
I texted a quick apology and told him that there was a death in my family and I was out of town. I chose to leave out the fact that I flew to Alaska to hunt down a group of vampires that I don't know. The last thing I want is a lecture.
I peaked over at Carlisle as he and Eleazar looked at me while mumbling to each other quietly. They patted each other's shoulders then Carlisle moved over to Esme where she was hugging the dark haired woman named Carmen.
My gaze was brought back to my phone as it vibrated from Simon's responding text.
I heard Eleazar walk over to me and he waited for me to stop typing before he spoke to me.
"It was nice to finally meet you, although I wish the circumstances were better." He said with sadness clear on his face.
I nodded and offered a small smile, "yeah, I guess I always used to hope that id be a little bit less of a mess when Carlisle introduced me to his friends."
He shook his hand as if to push my words away, "don't worry about it. It was a pleasure either way."
We shook hands and Carlisle joined my side and reached down to pick up my bag. He put it over his shoulder before placing his other hand on my shoulder.
"Are you ready to go?" He asked casually as if we all weren't in crisis.
I waited for Esme to come over to us before I nodded with a soft, "yeah."
The Denali woman said their own gentle goodbyes to me, even though I didn't really talk to them. I learned their names and introduced myself, but nothing more to be honest. I hope I can see them again soon, that's me being optimistic that I'm not going to be abandoned again.
Esme lead me to the car as Carlisle put my dufflebag in the trunk. She offered me a smile that didn't reach her eyes as I opened the back door and climbed in.
There was tension between the three of us that you could practically feel in the air. I understand why it's there, everything that's going on was bound to cause some awkward and tense energy.
If anything, it makes me miss the Cullens even more. I would do anything to make things the same as they used to be. There was always laughs and this overall happy loving energy that I never got sick of. I miss that so much my heart aches.
As we sat in the car then eventually at the airport I waited for there to be a moment where we could finally relax. Waiting for a call from Alice or even Edward saying that they were okay, it never came.
If anything, we all just got more tense and worried as time passed. The longer that we had to go not knowing that the three of them made it out alive seemed to add weight onto each one of us.
I can't believe Edward would do something so fucking stupid. He has this large loving family that would do anything to make him happy and comfortable, yet he would still decide to off himself as if he's nothing. How could he hurt his family like this?
He chose to leave Bella! He has no right to choose to end his life because he thinks Bella is dead. That makes no fucking sense! Bella is going to die at some point anyway and then what? What was the point of staying alive in the first god damn place?
Now poor Alice and Bella have to rush to Italy in attempt to stop that stupid guy from offing himself. The three of them might end up killed.
How am I supposed to go home to Charlie if Bella ends up being killed by some ancient vampires in Italy?
Stop, they'll be fine. They have to be fine.
I sat in the window seat on the plane, Esme right next to me. Carlisle and her murmured to each other quietly until finally they seemed to quiet down. Though, they didn't seem to relax.
Carlisle was sitting motionless with his head leaned back against the headrest, his eyes closed faking sleep. Esme was trying to flip through a magazine but she stared down at the same page for far too long. She's clearly not doing well.
I placed my shaking hand on hers and she quickly grasped it and looked at me with her worried eyes. I had nothing I could say, nothing thats comforting at least. I settled with just offering my hand and letting her lean her head on my shoulder.
I leaned my head onto hers and squeezed her fingers and she squeezed mine back. Nothing needs to be said, she knows everything I wish I could say. Esme always understood me even when my words wouldn't come out.
The flight was long, it seemed longer than it was the first time. The weight of the situation got even heavier, before it was just me going to look for the Denali family. Now we are waiting for death.
Or maybe we will get lucky and they won't all die. Maybe Alice will call and announce that they are alive and things will just go back to how they were before the Cullens left.
Well, even if they survive and Cullens come back to forks I don't think things will ever be the same.
When the plane landed, I felt sick. I grew dizzy and almost felt like I could faint. The reality of the situation dawned on me even more now that I'm back in Washington. Emmett and Rosalie are taking all of us back to the Cullens house. How am I supposed to handle that?
I don't even know if Charlie knows where Bella went. I'm sure she didn't tell him the whole truth because she can't, but what did she tell him this time?
Esme noticed my dizziness as soon as I stood from my seat. She kept a strong and grounding arm around me as we walked from the plane to baggage claim.
Seeing Emmett and Rosalie didn't help my sickness. More so the expressions on their faces. The same fear and dread and nervousness. Emmett and Rose we always confident and kept up their strong faces no matter what. Seeing them in a nervous state makes my stomach turn.
Emmett placed a strong hand on my shoulder after hugging Esme. Rose gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek as she murmured that she missed me.
In the car, I sat in the back once again next to Esme. I could hear them all speaking to each other very quietly. It was hard to make out most of the words. I'd rather not hear what they're saying to each other anyway. The last thing I need is more things to stress about.
I rested my head on the car door for a minute before Esme pulled me to lean on her shoulder. The whisper soft voices seemed to quiet as I hid a yawn in my hand.
My eyes grew heavy as exhaustion overtook me.
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I shifted and quickly realized I'm no longer in the car. I was far to comfortable on the large bed and under the softest sheets I've ever felt. My back is aching to release my wings, I'd have to remove my shirt first. The only thing that stopped me was the footsteps I heard entering the room.
I buried my face into the pillow and groaned when the bed shifted as someone sat down. Rolling onto my side, I looked out the large window. The sun is rising and shining down onto Carlisle's once perfect garden. The familiar view of the garden tells me I'm in what used to be Carlisle's room.
Feeling a gentle nudge to my back, I groaned again.
"I brought you some tea," Carlisle's smooth and soft voice said.
I rubbed my face as I sat up, looking over sure enough Carlisle is holding a mug out to me in offering. I stretched my shoulders and reached for it before hesitantly taking a sip. I fidgeted with the tea bag string as I wondered who went to the store to get my favorite herbal tea.
"Thanks, Carlisle." I mumbled. "You've been really understanding since I found you. A large part of me wasn't expecting that."
He brought his legs up onto the bed and shook his head while keeping his eyes on his socked feet. "You shouldn't be thanking me. I hurt you."
I nodded with a shrug, "plenty of people have hurt me, your the first to seem like you regret it."
I could feel his emotional eyes on me, I chose to continue to gaze down at my tea.
It's true, how many people have hurt my feelings or even physically harm me just to act like it was my fault that it happened? At least I can tell that Carlisle is upset with himself.
"I- Declan, I'm so sorry." He started. "For everything."
I cut him off with another groan and glared down at my lap. Leaning over to put my mug of tea on the nightstand, I took a quick look at him.
He looks tired, as if he's in desperate need of some sleep. I almost laughed, I bet I look the same way despite the long nap I just took.
He swallowed and narrowed his eyes, a familiar expression that he only has when he's frustrated. I bit back a smile at that. As if he has the right to be frustrated with me.
"I guess I should start with this, Alice finally called. They're all going to be okay. They're heading home from Italy as we speak." Carlisle explained.
I could feel some of the weight on my shoulders leave, "oh thank god."
I flopped back against the pillows and stared up at the ceiling as tears brimmed my eyes. Bella will come home, the Cullens will stay. That's what they said. Esme even told me that they were staying in Forks with me when I asked.
Things are going back to how they should be, except my poor Adam.
"Everything's back to normal," I said bitterly. "Yay."
The way my voice broke and cracked caused Carlisle to shift closer. I sat up and hugged my knees and Carlisle placed a hesitant hand on my arm for comfort.
"Why did..." I let the words fade into nothing. It's best not to ask that question. "What am I supposed to do now?"
"Would you still like to go to New York? I can go with you to say goodbye. Even if you missed the funeral, I'm sure his family will forgive you." Carlisle offered.
I cringed, "I didn't  want to go to the funeral. Funerals are meaningless, he's still dead. I can't-I can't fucking look at him like that. I don't want to see him as a corpse-"
Burying my face into my knees, I bit back the urge to vomit at the thought of Adam's dead body.
I won't see him dead and I won't go to see his family. I can't fucking stand the thought of seeing his mother again. I dont want to see her mourning.
Carlisle moved so he was seated in front of me, "Declan, have you ever been to a funeral before?"
I shook my head against my knees then I wiped my face with my sleeve before picking my head up to look at him. "Never. Not that I can remember."
My grandfather died when I was very young, I was left home with a babysitter when my mother and older brothers went to the funeral services. I don't remember ever even visiting his grave at the cemetery before. I don't even know where it is.
"When my grandfather died, I stayed home. My brother, told me about the body. He said he looked so dead." I felt sick as I remembered what I used to imagine my grandfather looked like in the end. "I can't see Adam like that."
"You have a brother?" He asked in confusion, "why haven't I heard about him before."
"Two brothers," I answered. "They fucking suck, that's why."
Carlisle rubbed my arm, "we'll talk about them later."
"There's nothing to talk about," I snapped. "They're these awful sick humans and I want nothing to do with them!"
"Okay, okay." Carlisle said calmly. "we don't have to talk about your family if you don't want to."
There was a few moments of silence, it gave me a chance to collect myself.
Perhaps I should've gone to New York, I should've said goodbye. I could've seen his mother and sisters for the last time. I would've had a chance to say goodbye to my future with him.
Carlisle reaches forward to grip my hand, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. I watched our hands move as I ran my fingers over his smooth palm.
I desperately wanted to crawl over to him and let him hold me and comfort me. I've been craving that familiar feeling for months. Now to finally have Carlisle in front of me again, I wonder if he could comfort me at all.
After everything that's happened, I'm convince I'll never feel comfort again.
I growled and put my other hand over my eyes, "I fuck up everything. I should've just fucking- I shouldn't be allowed to make my own choices."
"You do not." Carlisle argued.
I pulled my hand away, "shut up. What do you know?"
Quickly standing from the bed I sighed, "I'm sorry, that was mean."
I looked at my socked feet on the floor as Carlisle stood from the bed. "Do you want to be alone?"
I shook my head. "No, I want to talk to you. Y'know, if you don't mind."
He laughed softly, "how could I say no? I've been wanting to talk to you for months."
I narrowed my eyes at the floor as I fought back the urge to be angry. It seems the only way I know how to handle this is to be bitter and defensive.
I would tell him that he should've talked to me, he knows my phone number and email address. I'm not the one who changed my contact information. At the same time, I did tell him to never talk to me again. I guess it makes sense that he wouldn't reach out.
"How am I supposed to move on? What are we supposed to do?" I asked the question that's been on my mind since I saw Carlisle again.
He stepped closer to me and I resisted moving back as he stood close to me. "What do you want? I'll give you whatever you wish for. If you want nothing to do with me I understand. However, if you will allow me to be your friend again I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you."
I stayed quiet, as he started speaking again. "I'm so sorry. If I could go back, I would put my foot down and not leave. I know that most of my family would've stayed with me. All I needed to do was- I should have been a leader, instead I let Edward push and pull my family around by his own wishes."
"I've always tried to do whatever my family wants, I let Edward take that away from me. You're not the only one who I need to ask forgiveness from. Esme wouldn't talk to me for weeks after we left. I believe there's still some anger there as well." He continued.
Hesitantly, Carlisle placed a large hand on my shoulder. "I don't expect things to go back to the way they were and I don't expect you to forgive me right away. All I ask is for you to allow me to prove to you again that I can be trusted."
I uncrossed my arms so I could place my hand overtop of his. I ran my fingers over his as I thought, I felt his large Cullen crest ring and my heart ached. I miss being one of them, I miss feeling like I had people who cared about me despite my vampirism.
The way they welcomed me with open arms even though I'm not at all like them, I knew it was too good to be true. Now they're back, and Carlisle wants me back.
"I used to think I was one of you." I started. "I used to think I'd be with you guys forever."
"You can be." Carlisle stressed. "Let me show you."
His hands came up to my face, directing my eyes to his. Cool and gentle fingers caressed my temples.
"Why should I believe that? Who's to say that you won't leave me behind again?" I questioned.
"I will not let anyone take me away from you again." He stated, his eyes bright and intense.
Bringing my hands up to place them over his, I pulled his hands from my face. I brought his left hand to my lips to place a quick kiss on his knuckles, my own way of showing that I still care about him. I don't have the words he does, not anymore.
"I'll give you time, you said you'd make it up to me. That means you can't complain when I want to watch those reality shows you hate." I joke and looked up at him with happier eyes.
He smiled and looked down at where I was still holding his hands. "Deal. You can watch all the trashy television you want."
I chuckled and brought his hand up to kiss his knuckles again. He watched me with a joyous expression before pulling my hand towards him to give me a kiss of his own on the back of my hand.
His eyes studied me, I watched as he looked me over for the seemingly millionth time since I found him.
"You look so different." Carlisle offered. "Your shoulders got so big."
I laughed, "I'm still a twink, don't try and flatter me."
Rolling his eyes, he placed a finger under my chin before tipping my head back. "I think I see an Adam's apple too, Declan. You might even be a little bit taller."
"You missed a lot," I tried not to sound sad.
He nodded, "I'll never forgive myself for not being here."
It's almost odd, hearing my voice during these conversations with Carlisle. My voice used to be higher and lighter, hearing my now deeper tone following after Carlisle's own voice is exactly what I wanted from the beginning. I've always wanted to be able to blend in with the men in my life. You can't even tell that I started out differently than they did.
"Alice kept me updated on what was going on with you." Carlisle pointed out, "she told me that you were getting surgery. It took everything in me not to wait outside the hospital to make sure you made it out okay."
"Yeah, honestly I'm kinda glad you weren't there for that. I can only handle so much coddling." I kept my mind away from my time in New York.
He rolled his eyes again, "it's not coddling."
A gentle knock at the door made me remember that Carlisle and I aren't the only two people in the world.
Esme's head peaked in the room, "we should start heading to the airport soon."
I haven't decided how I'm going to react when I see Edward and Bella. It's not my responsibility to discipline them so I hope someone else does. Charlie has no idea what's going on, so that leaves Esme and Carlisle.
I really hope the two of them step up and be parental and scold them so I don't have to, but let's be honest. I have a few things to say to the two of them anyway.