Comfy Closets - Chapter 27: Chapter 27

I wish I could say my mind was blank. That in my safe haven, I was free from thought, from distractions - from pain.
This time, my safe haven didn't offer me such comforts.
As the sharp winds blew past my body and the rough waves crashed with fervour, my mind mimicked its intensity with delight. Like sad people would listen to sad music, I found this scene quite fitting to my current internal state.
My thoughts continued to run, tumble and weave about as the chill of the weather slowly froze my fingers until I could barely feel them. I couldn't remember how long I've been here, just that I left with my car soon after I arrived home and have been sitting here with this chaotic but beautiful view in front of me since. If the shivering of my body was any indication, I'd say my visit here has extended its limit.
But I stayed.
The images in my head kept me rooted here as memory after memory played. Scenes from the day before weren't the only thing circling about. The reminders from a past that I once thought had disappeared, now plagued me with a vengeance. I shouldn't have come.
*Two Years Ago
"Come on! Let's take a picture before we run out of sunlight."
"No... my hair's a mess today..."
"It looks fine, Al. Come on, just one photo?"
"...Alright," I relented, giving into her puppy dog eyes.
Her emerald eyes brightened with delight. Taking my hand, she dragged me up from where we were sitting on the bench and closer to the railings, taking out her phone and getting the front camera to point at us. "Okay. Baby, smile!"
I purposely stuck my tongue out, giving the camera a cheeky wink. Isabelle laughed when she saw the product. "Al!"
I chuckled. "It looks good to me."
"Another one. Serious this time," she turned her head to eye me, feigning seriousness as she narrowed her eyes. I kissed her cheek humorously, breaking her façade as laughs escaped her lips.
"Fine, very serious." I relented, making a straight face and looking at the camera, not even a curve of my lip in sight.
"Not like that!" she jokingly exclaimed. I couldn't hold the expression anymore, laughing with amusement.
"Okay, okay. For real this time."
She looked back to the camera again, shaking her head with humour. "Alright. Three, two, one-"
I moved my head quickly to the side at the last second, planting a kiss onto the side of her temple. The camera captured the moment perfectly as a wide, content grin rested upon her lips.
*
For once, I let the memories of her play out, not having the energy within me to block them from my thoughts. I let myself have this moment of weakness, to relive a past that contained nothing but simplistic joy.
But as if my mind was punishing me for indulging too much, the poison from another time seeped through and ate it away, leaving only the bad taste of betrayal and pain in its wake.
I knew the aches within my heart wasn't only caused by the events of this morning. I foolishly thought that I could push her out as fast as she appeared yesterday. How wrong I was.
When I finally surfaced from my dive within the past, the sun was already sinking past the horizon. The temperature had dropped drastically in the past hour, which explained my frozen digits. Tucking my hands into my pockets, I allowed myself to continue my wander down the chasm that was my mind, having no desire to return home. To reality.
My phone had been blowing up when I first got here. Now, it sat next to me in silence, its current inactive nature allowing me to stay in this pocket of the world in peace.
It wasn't until I heard the thumps of footsteps gradually drawing closer, did I finally look away from the view I'd been dazedly staring at. My eyes focused on the lone figure walking towards me, resignation filling me at the knowledge that my lonesome peace would soon be broken.
"Hey."
I focused my gaze back ahead, unable to bring myself to meet her crystal blue eyes. "Hey."
She silently sat down next to me on my right, letting out a heavy sigh as she joined me in battling the cold. "Thought you would be here."
"That obvious, huh?"
Gia only hummed back in response.
I had expected her to ask me about this morning, maybe question why I acted the way I did, or even drag me back home. But she said nothing. She didn't rush me to do anything, just sat next to me in silent company, and I appreciated that.
After a couple of minutes went by, I finally gathered my thoughts to say something. I brought my hands out in front of me and clasped them tight, letting a shaky breath pass my chapped lips.
"Did you know that I used to come here with Isabelle?" I saw her shake her head in my periphery. "She was the first person I brought here after I discovered it. But even after what happened with her, I still love this place. I didn't let the memory of her stop me from coming, and soon, she faded from it. I thought... I thought I've moved past it after all this time, but after seeing her yesterday... I realised I haven't moved a fucking step. I'm the same person as I was then. Still scared. Still hiding."
I felt the tears build up, wanting to seep out. But I took a deep, shuddering breath to push the urge down. "Have I not moved on because I haven't gotten closure? I mean, she fucking cheated on me. What else is there to it? I don't need to talk to her to move on. And besides, she doesn't deserve the chance to explain," I huffed, my hands clenching harder as my rant subsided. I didn't know what to think anymore, or what to do.
Looking to my friend, I saw she was gazing ahead with a contemplative expression that gave nothing away. I needed to know what she was thinking. "What is it?"
Her head dipped down, her lips forming a thin line as she thought of what to say. "I think you deserve to move on. And if you don't think you have in these past two years, then maybe talking to her might help."
I've thoughts about that, but couldn't seem to make myself accept that that was my only option. Gia continued to speak. "And I don't think you are the same person you were two years ago. You might not be able to see it, but I can," she expressed, her soft blue eyes meeting mine. "You're more confident, sure and comfortable with yourself than you've ever been, and I'm proud of you for that. You just don't feel ready yet, that's all."
"When will I be ready?" I knew it wasn't a question she would be able to easily answer, but I needed to say it out loud. I've been avoiding it for too long.
"Whenever you stop caring about what others think about your sexuality."
Her blunt answer caught me off guard. "I can't just not care. My mom and dad's opinion matter to me. My friends matter to me. My teammates matter to me. It's not that easy to not care."
"If they love you for you, Aly, then they'll accept you. Just like me and Ash, and now Zach and Riley," she reasoned, gesturing to herself. "We love you, and they do too. If they don't accept you, fine then, but the people who love you will eventually come around. Those that stick around are the ones you know who care."
Gia's tone was filled with certainty and passion, trying to get me to see. At her words, I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. They leaked down my face as my throat constricted with strain, trying to keep any sound from escaping. But the pressure was too much to keep in the sob that broke free. "I'm sorry," I softly cried. "I'm sorry for how I reacted. You didn't deserve it, Ashton just made a mistake and Leah-." At the mention of her name, I cried even harder, the guilt filling me to the brim.
"Hey, hey..." Gia said soothingly, scooting over to wrap an arm around me, pulling me close. "It was just a lot happening all at once. We don't blame you for reacting like that. And Ash was an idiot for posting the video," she rolled her eyes at that, "but I know he feels terrible about it. Just talk to him. Talk to both of them."
I continued to cry into her coat as she held me tight. But eventually, as my sobs dwindled and my tears stopped, I considered her words of advice. Finally pulling away, I noticed that the sun had gone completely down and what was left was the fading colours of purple and pink highlighting the clouds above.
Gia looked to me with a soft smile. "Let's go back, yeah?"
I gave her a small nod. "You go first. I want to make a call." She hummed in understanding, getting up from the cold bench and squeezing my shoulder once before making her way back.
I turned on my inactive phone and went to speed-dial a number. Waiting patiently, I gave myself these few seconds to gather myself and strengthen my voice. It connected on the third ring, a soft melodic voice responding. "Hi..."
"Hey Leah," my voice ended up croaking out.
Silence blanketed the line as both of us didn't speak. I was the first to break it. "I'm sorry," I whispered, not even sure if she heard.
"You don't need to be sorry."
"But I do." I rubbed my face as exhaustion suddenly hit me. It has been a long day, especially with the tornado of emotions my mind had had to endure. "I shouldn't have snapped at you. You did nothing wrong."
She didn't respond for a while after that, the only thing I could hear was her breathing through the phone. The turmoil started to enter my system. Did I say something wrong?
Before I could ask, her voice spoke up with a slight strain. "I'm sorry too, for assuming."
"I didn't mean what I said-"
"I know you didn't," she sighed. "It was just me always assuming, like always," she said bitterly, the venom directed at herself.
I didn't realise until now that this was why she reacted the way she did, with so much hurt, having been absorbed with my own emotions and problems to even see. "You don't have to say sorry for it. I understand."
"How about let's both agree that we don't have to say sorry about this anymore," she tried to joke and succeeding when she got a slight chuckle out of me.
"Alright, alright."
__________________
It was now Monday and I still haven't spoken to Ashton yet. I was mad at myself for it, but at the same time, I knew I would be lost on what to say.
Walking down in the hallways with my head down, I just wanted the holidays to start already. I was on my way to third period when I spotted a tuft of black hair and a pair of ocean-green eyes walking my way with the crowd. I was torn with whether I should try to catch his eye or just let him pass, but I wasn't given enough time to choose when he lifted his bowed head and spotted me, almost as if he had felt my stare on his face.
I bit my bottom lip unsurely as we entered an unintentional staring contest, his familiar eyes that I knew so well showing such guilt and sadness. It felt like it went on forever, but he soon broke our moment when he started making his way to me, pushing through the crowd. Some of the other students looked at him with annoyance, but he paid them no attention.
I stood rooted to my spot by the lockers, clutching the straps of my bag as the conversation I had been avoiding was soon going to happen.
When Ashton finally reached me, he stopped a metre away, a look of uncertainty now crossing his eyes. He opened his mouth to apologize. "Aly, I'm sor-"
The boy was interrupted with the hug I suddenly gave him. Squeezing him tight, I closed my eyes and buried my head into his shoulder, comforted by the familiarity of him. He seemed shocked because his arms stayed by his side, but they came up to hug me back seconds later and matched my ferocity.
"I'm so sorry, Al. It was my own stupid fault," he softly mumbled into my hair.
"It was a mistake, I get it," I said, feeling choked up with how much our friendship had strained for the past few days.
Pulling away from him, I saw the regret in his eyes as he gazed at me. "Can you forgive me?"
"Of course, Ash." I managed a small smile. "Besides, who would buy me food? Only you do."
He laughed, giving me another hug as relief flooded out of him. "I missed you, Al, even if it was only a few days."
"Missed you too, bub," I softly sighed, glad we were okay again.
Soon after, we made our own way to class, my mood being much lighter compared to the start of the day. The class quickly passed by, as the company of my teammate, Camilla, kept me occupied and up to date with the latest gossip.
"-so Conner wanted to get with Megan, but George stepped in and was like, 'no man, she's too good for you. Come with me, girl', and then Conner got pissed, and so they both ended up drunk fighting for Megan, but I don't think she was even interested because she left the party with her friends, so meaning, their testosterone asses fought for nothing."
"Sounds like a lot happened at the party after the game," I muttered as I focused on my History assignment.
"Yeah, so much you wouldn't even believe!" Camilla exclaimed, having completely forgotten about the classwork. "You should've seen Olivia, she was drunk as hell that night, the dancing on tables and running around crazy type of drunk. I should've recorded it," she sighed in disappointment.
At the mention of the last sentence, the memories from my night came to mind. Curious now, and a little bit scared, I dared myself to ask my question. "Did you... happen to see the post on Ashton's account?"
"Yeah, I did actually," she replied. I held my breath as she continued. "The one with the making out couple, right? Wasn't it Zach or something who was in it?"
The tension in my shoulders released as I realised that what Leah had said before was true; that no one could really tell that it was us. I mean, even my friend got the genders wrong, so we were definitely in the clear.
"I don't know. Maybe? I couldn't remember," I feigned ignorance, thankfully being able to drop the topic as the teacher walked by.
We were released for lunch in no time, and I made my way to the cafeteria with the thought of bringing the recent topic up with them, curious to know their thoughts. I got to the table with my tray in hand, greeting Zach, Gia and Ash that were there.
"Hey guys," I said, smiling at them.
"Phew! I thought this was going to be awkward. Glad you guys made up," Gia voiced out before taking a bite out of her burger.
I raised an eyebrow at her whilst Ashton grinned cheerfully. "I am very happy, indeed."
"Anyway, I wanted to ask what you guys thought of the video. I was just talking to Camilla, and she thought the people in it were Zach and some other person."
"Me? Doesn't look anything like me," Zach muttered, mock offended.
"Yeah, so... what did you guys think when you saw it, if you didn't already know who was in it?"
"In what?" Leah appeared unexpectedly, joining our table with Riley as she sat next to me.
"The video. If you didn't already know who they were, who would've you guessed?" Gia filled them in.
"Oh, I would've guessed Gia or Zach," Riley stated.
"Me again?! Do I really look like a girl to you guys?"
"Why are we talking about this?" Leah asked, confused. Her hazel eyes focused on me with concern. "Babe, no one will know the truth. Don't worry about it anymore," she muttered, squeezing my thigh reassuringly under the table.
"I know, I just-" she gave me a pointed look, "okay, I'll stop."
"Whipped," I heard someone say on the other side of the table, followed by a mimicked whip sound from someone else. Narrowing my eyes, I sent all of them a mock glare, causing them to erupt with laughter.
"Oh! By the way, what are the plans for the winter holidays? We gotta all get together at some point," Gia brought up. Everyone proceeded to pitch in ideas.
"Ice skating!"
"Not again! It's so cold!"
"What about bowling?"
"Meh."
"Paintball?"
As they all continued brainstorming activities, Leah tapped me on the thigh, drawing my attention to her. "Lys, I was meaning to ask you if you wanted to come to eat dinner with my family." A look of surprise must have crossed my face because she quickly rushed on. "We usually have this sort of big dinner a couple of days before Christmas, when my brother and sister come back to visit and some of my extended family join us to eat. My mom asked me to ask you," she said nervously. "Of course, you don't have to if you don't want to! It's totally fine if-"
"Leah," I called, effectively stopping her rambling, "I think that sounds good." She smiled so brightly at that, leaning forward slightly as if to kiss me, but she stopped herself mid-action. Instead, she took my hand under the table, squeezing it softly in excitement. "Guess I'm meeting the family, huh?"