Comfy Closets - Chapter 32: Chapter 32

I didn't know what I was feeling. The best I could describe it was like being suspended in air; floating yet pulled down by my own weight. Was this real? It felt like it, for sure. But it couldn't be.
I just wanted to continue floating, not wanting to pop this moment of sudden stillness in my mind.
But life didn't really care about what I wanted.
"Al..." the ebony-haired girl took a hesitant step forward. At her move, the stillness vanished, instead replaced by the bustle similar to our surroundings.
Taking an unconscious step back, I took a moment to look at her.
The silky hair that used to always fall down her figure was now tied up into a messy bun. That even looked nice on her. Those emerald green eyes were wide and pleading as she took another step forward, quickly closing the distance between us.
"Al, pleas-"
"Stop." That was all I could say in my shocked, frozen state. She did, her tense figure standing still a metre or two away. Her orbs were locked on me, unwilling to break contact, and unease started to creep up my spine. I could faintly register the busyness of the cafeteria around us, but my mind had pushed it so far away, we might as well have been in an empty building.
I took a shuddering breath in when I felt a hand clasp my elbow, bringing my attention to the blonde that was stood next to me. The warmth of her palm against my skin was reassuring, and it was what got me to do something.
"What are you doing here? Again?" I said slowly, my eyes blank and stony as my internal system tried to weave through the mess of my confused thoughts.
Isabelle bit her bottom lip and played with the ends of her jacket, which was surprising. I had never seen her so meek before; the confident and unperturbed girl I knew wasn't present. "You never called me."
I didn't know why, but that sentence triggered something. Maybe it was the fact that, at one point in our shared history, I was the one who had said that. Or perhaps it was the hurt I could see in her eyes, when she had no right to feel that, after everything she had done.
Suddenly, I felt a growing fire start to simmer, but as her words kept bouncing like an echo in my head, that fire started boiling with barely constrained rage.
My hands started to shake as I clenched them into fists, the control over my restraint rapidly slipping from me. This moment felt much like a slippery slope, where I knew I was going to lose my footing any moment to hit the ground. And once I did, it wasn't going to end well.
"Did you say I... didn't call?" I asked in disbelief, laughing without humour. I couldn't even make sense of this moment. The flame steadily grew.
Isabelle looked like she didn't know how to respond. "Yes...?"
Leah left my side to step in front of me, standing between us. "You should leave," she said authoritatively, no bullshit in her tone. The ebony-haired girl, however, didn't budge.
"No, I need to speak to Al."
"You're not welcome here, so get. Out." Leah was getting agitated; her voice almost growling the words out.
"You can't tell me what to do. I want to talk to Al-"
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"
I couldn't stand it anymore, the way she said my name with such familiarity. Like she knew everything about me.
"JUST STOP! YOU DON'T KNOW ME ANYMORE, SO DON'T ACT LIKE IT!" I snapped. The girl stood stock still, eyes wide at my outburst. "Why did you have to come? Huh?! You love ruining shit, right!"
By now, my heartbeat was erratic as my chest heaved up and down. I didn't know what I was actually saying. I just wanted to scream at her, the intense emotions that I had after that last encounter now crawled through the cracks and up to the surface.
"Lyssa." Leah turned around, looking at me with these eyes that were almost telling me to stop. But I didn't think I could.
As I looked around Leah's figure and at my ex, ready to yell some more, my eyes noticed something in its periphery just then. Eyes. Many eyes were staring. Darting my gaze around the vast room, I saw the whole cafeteria's patrons looking to us with curiosity and eagerness, waiting to see what juicy drama would happen next.
My mouth dried as I realised what was happening. I was going to be the gossip everyone talked about. They were going to pry and prod, dig for more.
And then they'd know my secret.
I felt my heart drop. My throat tightened as it tried to desperately hold down the oncoming tears I knew were coming. Someone stepped out from the side then, a blurred outline of a tall figure standing right in front of Isabelle. I couldn't hear what he was saying, just that his intimidating stance blocked the view of me from her.
The first few tears leaked from my eyes, and that's when I fled. The weight of their stares, the presence of my ex, and the growing fear that festered within; it was too much.
I banged open the doors to the cafeteria exit and sped down the hallway. Covering my hand over my face, I attempted to hide the tears streaming down. The few people in the area stopped their activities and looked on as I walked past, prompting me to dip my head further down, ashamed.
Heading towards the front of the school, I desperately pressed down on the sob trying to escape. My emotions were everywhere. How could it have gone so wrong, so quick?
I felt a hand grab my shoulder, abruptly pulling me to a halt. I didn't resist though, recognising Leah's gentle touch.
"Babe...," my girlfriend softly said as she turned me to face her, "you okay?"
I looked around us, itching to run. Everyone was now looking at me weirdly, whispering to each other. "Can we go somewhere else?" It felt like a ball was stuck in my throat as I spoke, straining my voice with the effort.
Leah nodded quickly and started walking with me, her hand resting comfortingly on my lower back as she gave a hard, unnerving look at everyone who stared as we passed.
We made our way to the front entrance and pushed through the doors to be greeted by the chilly winds outside. Thanks to the weather, no one else was hanging around here, which made it safe for us to talk. I made my way to the steps and sat down, giving myself time to process my emotions. Leah joined me silently on the steps, a hand on my knee as I let the tears continue to fall. I felt oddly okay with crying in front of her, reassured by the fact that she knew where all this pain was coming from.
I still felt so angry at Isabelle and the way she just showed up. It was just like when we were together, where she did whatever she wanted and didn't give a fuck about how it affected others.
And there was shame, because of the way I reacted to that. I hated how she was able to steal the restraint I had over my anger, every single time. It was like this power she had over me, and even the thought of that bothered me.
But then there was that small part in me, that little voice that I despised, who urged me to listen to what she had to say. Her presence here had uprooted all the pain that I thought had been pushed down enough never to be seen again. And now, I felt like the same girl from two years ago, who just wanted to know what she did wrong to push her girlfriend away.
At the thought of that, the first sob finally broke free. I cried into my hands as the thought finally registered, knowing now what I needed to do. Subconsciously, I had acknowledged that I needed this closure for myself, but now that the opportunity was right in front of me, I wasn't sure if I was prepared to take it.
I felt Leah wrap her arm around my waist, pulling me to her as she let me cry in her arms. This felt so wrong, me crying about my ex while in the arms of my girlfriend. I voiced out my thoughts.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" she whispered as she kissed the side of my head.
"For crying over my ex."
"Babe, your ex is an asshole for coming here and stirring up shit. You're not in the fault here."
"I just feel like I want to punch something, but at the same time, letting her explain herself doesn't seem completely wrong," I expressed as I wiped my tears away. My sobs slowed down to become sniffles and slight hiccups as I calmed down from the overwhelming emotions.
"Wait, you want to talk to her?" Leah asked, pulling away to look at me with furrowed brows.
I nodded my head and sighed. "I don't know. I'm just fed up with feeling like this, blaming myself for what happened, when I know I shouldn't." Laying my head on her shoulder, I rubbed my eyes and whispered. "I don't know what to do now."
The dirty blonde didn't make a move to say anything just yet. She bit her lip in thought, wondering on what to say, and I patiently waited for her to craft her response.
But before she said anything, the doors behind us opened with force. We whipped our heads around and saw Isabelle storm through, followed closely by Ashton and Riley as the former yelled something at her. We quickly stood up just as the trio noticed us there. Isabelle's eyes lighted up when she found me and went to say something.
"Al- Alyssa, please can we-"
"No, Isabelle, for the fifth time, she doesn't want to talk to you. Same as two years ago. Nothing's changed," Ashton stated as he came to stand beside me.
"But I need to explain!" she insisted, looking to me pleadingly.
"What explanation is there for cheating? Huh?"
She faltered but continued pushing. "I didn't mean to-"
"What, didn't mean to hurt her? Well, you did, and she deserves way better than how you treated her," my best friend spat out. Riley stood by him, a piercing glare burning into the girl she barely knew. I guess she pieced it together for herself, as the look she gave was unforgiving.
Isabelle now seemed fed up, trying to get past my protective best friend to talk to me. "I know I was wrong. It's why I want to explain."
She made a move to step closer to me, but this time someone else stopped her.
"Stop. Right there. My girlfriend doesn't want to hear your dumb explanation where you justify cheating. So back the fuck off." Leah's protectiveness was apparent in her harsh tone. I admired her even more as she wrapped her arm around my waist, giving a clear signal to Isabelle that she wasn't wanted here.
The ebony-haired girl looked shocked as her gaze darted between us. It was like the thought of me being in another relationship hadn't even crossed her mind. "O-oh, I didn't know..." she cleared her throat, trying to gather herself before continuing, "but that doesn't change anything. I still want to explain what happened those years ago," Isabelle said adamantly.
"Look, Isabelle, I'll say it again. She doesn't want-" I placed a hand on Leah's abdomen, stopping her from continuing. She looked to me with confusion, and I subtly shook my head, telling her to stop.
Taking a deep breath, I stepped away from my girlfriend's arms, forcing myself to step up and stand in front of my ex, alone.
Now that I've had the time to process and think, I realised that this was what I needed to do, for my benefit. I didn't want to keep on carrying this baggage, lugging this extra weight around that did nothing but affect my relationships as I went on. It wasn't fair to me or the others around me.
"We can talk," I said, clipped. I still felt this unexplainable rage towards her, despite my words, but this was what I needed to do.
"Aly, you sure?" Ashton asked from behind me. I turned my head and managed a small smile, trying to reassure both myself and him that this was the right decision.
"But not today," I followed up, looking back at my ex. Her jaw hung in surprise, probably not having expected this reaction after what had happened in the cafeteria.
"O-okay," she agreed, cautiously nodding her head. "When do you want to?"
Looking to the ground, I thought for a second before answering. "Thursday. Afterschool at the coffee shop that's a block away from where I work."
She sucked her lower lip into her mouth and nodded. Now, with no reason for her to be here, she gave me a curt nod, eyeing Leah and me for a few seconds more before slipping past us to head towards the parking lot. And I didn't know if it was a trick of the eyes, but she almost had an envious look to her features...
Once she was gone, I turned to my friends and let out a huge breath, suddenly tired from the rollercoaster of emotions that I had experienced in this short period. My girlfriend was the first to step up to me; her forehead creased as she looked to me, confused.
"Do you think talking to her would really help?" she asked doubtfully.
"Maybe," I shrugged. "All I know is that I need this. I had decided that I was gonna have this talk since the break."
The dirty blonde crossed her arms. "Why'd you never mention it?"
"I wasn't one hundred percent sure if I was going to go through with it," I reasoned. Canting my head to the side, a new thought came to my mind, and I narrowed my eyes at her. "Do you not want me to talk to her?"
The blonde turned defensive. "No! That's not what I meant. I mean... never mind," she resorted to saying, dropping the subject. Ashton and Riley didn't say anything, only giving me tight smiles before they slipped back inside. I was left with my girlfriend in the cold.
"What is it?" I finally asked when she didn't say anything.
"Nothing."
"It's clearly something," I quirked a brow.
After a moment of silence, she decided to say. "I don't want you to get hurt by her again."
"I think either way if I talk to her or not, I'm going to get hurt. It's just a matter of if I suffer longer or decide to cut it short."
She pursed her lips and paused before giving an almost imperceptible nod. "Okay," she said simply, although I could see the tenseness in her frame. She wasn't done with this yet. With that, she gestured to the door and went in, with me following behind as I sighed.
The wall of warmth that hit me was welcomed after being in the chilly air. But I was also greeted by something that wasn't as pleasant. Stares.
For a moment, I had forgotten about the heated display from earlier. Now, I had to deal with the consequences; gossip, rumours and all.
What a way to start the semester.