Comfy Closets - Chapter 34: Chapter 34

My breaths came out uneven as my white-knuckled hands gripped the steering wheel. My teeth worried my lower lip as thoughts whirled to visualise what would happen in the next couple of minutes.
What should I say?
Instead of driving in the direction of the café, as I had planned yesterday, I was heading to Leah’s house. It was something I knew I needed to do, because if not, I don’t know what sort of mess will come.
So, the conversation I had with Isabelle on the phone yesterday was awkward, but necessary.
“Al?”
I took in a deep breath. “Yeah, it’s me”
“What’s this about?” I could hear the underlying panic in her voice.
My free hand rubbed my temple unconsciously. “I don’t think I’m gonna get there tomorrow.”
“What?!” Isabelle shouted through the phone. “No, please Al- Alyssa. You said we could talk, please don’t back out. I can’t –”
I interrupted her rambling. “Izzie, stop. I said that wrong. What I mean is I want to move it to another day. I have something to do,” I said with finality.
There was a pause on the other side before I heard her voice come through, quieter than before. “Oh, okay. Yeah. Sure.”
I waited for her to say more, but she didn’t. “Alright, I can meet you this weekend on Saturday. Davey's, same time?”
“Okay,” she said softly. “I’m glad you didn’t cancel, Al.”
I cut the call at that, the defences I built up now coming down. I couldn’t allow myself to be hurt by her again, but it so hard. I’m afraid she inevitably would.
I snapped out of my wondering thoughts when I finally arrived outside Leah's place.
The whole of today, she avoided me again. She managed to barely talk to me in Chemistry class, and we were lab partners. Her actions hurt, deeply, and from it, bad thoughts started to crop up.
She's done with me. I’m an embarrassment to be around. Probably for the best that she’s staying away, she can do better than me...
Self-deprecating thoughts bombarded my mind. I knew it was my insecurities talking, but they sounded so convincing, and so right.
But a little voice I could barely make out spoke through the mess. Pull yourself together, Woods. Get out of your pathetic hole and talk to your girl.
I rested my forehead on the steering wheel for a few seconds before sighing and getting out of the car. Walking up the walkway with sweaty hands, they clenched into fists as the fear of her turning me away started to creep up.
Ringing the doorbell with a shaky finger, I looked down and cleared my throat. The door was opened ten seconds later, my head snapping up to see Leah's sister standing there.
“Hey Alyssa, Leah's just upstairs,” Lena said with a smile, opening the door wider to let me in.
“Thanks,” I said, giving her a sullen smile of my own. Her brows furrowed then in concern as she watched me head up the stairs, tilting her head inquisitively. I ignored it and continued on my journey through the large house.
Making my way to her closed white door, I gave it two soft raps and waited for a response. “Come in.”
Twisting the knob, I pushed it and found her by her desk. She was writing something intently into a folder, head down and not paying the any attention to me.
“Leah.” At the sound of my voice, she stopped her writing and dropped her pen, spinning around with surprise.
“Hi...  I didn’t know you were coming.” Reluctance coated her voice, and I felt my determination slowly deteriorate around the edges.
“Yeah, sorry.” I shuffled awkwardly on my feet by the door. “Um, I wanted to talk.”
“Oh.” I saw my girlfriend fidget with her fingers as she stood up from her desk chair. “I thought you were going to talk to Isabelle?” she said, and I picked up the strain in her voice at the last word.
“I’m meeting her another day.” I decided to close the door behind me and went to sit at the end of her bed. She slowly followed my lead, sitting a foot away. I let the silence envelope us for a moment before speaking up. “Why have you been dodging me?”
Startled, she looked at me for a couple of seconds before responding. “What do you mean, babe? I haven’t been.”
My hand went up to rub my eyes as I tried to decipher what to do. “I know you have, and it’s obvious it’s because of Isabelle.”
“Lyssa,” she sighed, “there is no problem.”
“Babe,” I took her hands in mine, squeezing them in comfort, “it’s okay. Just tell me if you have a problem with me meeting up with her.”
Her beautiful hazel eyes looked into mine and held my gaze for a few seconds. I could see the hesitation as her plump lips opened and closed. But then she broke our stare and turned her head the other way. “No, it’s fine.”
I sighed loudly, my hand going up to hold her chin, turning it back to me. “Leah,” I said softly, trying to show her it’s okay.
For a moment, I was distracted by her lips and couldn’t help but brush my thumb against it. She made a sound at the back of her throat, before shaking her head quickly and pulling away. “There is no problem.”
I clenched my jaw in frustration as she slipped her hands out of mine. She just wouldn’t open up.
Standing up, I went off. “Why can’t you just say it?! You always pull back and shut me off. It’s not like I’m going to judge you!”
My girlfriend stood up to be eye-level with me. “There’s nothing to talk about! Go meet her, I don’t care!” She waved her hand dismissively at me, and I felt my eyebrow tick.
“I won’t if it makes you feel uncomfortable! But at least tell me if it bothers you!”
“It doesn’t. How many times do I have to say it?! Just drop it!” she yelled, her voice strained with effort.
But at the sight those eyes filling with barely restrained tears, my whole body deflated.
Slowly, I reached out to my girl with her crossed arms and gently wiped away the tear that leaked out. “Baby… please tell me how you feel about this. I just want to know what you’re thinking because something is clearly bothering you.”
Leah bit her lower lip and sniffed. Then, a choked sob flew out. “I’m sorry.”
Burying her face into the crook of my neck, her tears started staining my shirt. Soft sobs filled the now quiet room. My arms went to wrap around her torso, pulling her tightly to me. “It’s okay, baby. What are you sorry about?”
“For being a selfish bitch,” she muffled out.
I chuckled sadly as I buried my nose into her soft, lavender-scented hair. “You’re not, baby. You’re not that type of person. Why would you think that?”
“I don’t want you to see her because you’ll leave me like everybody else in my life tends to fucking do.”
I kissed her neck in reassurance as she hiccupped, running my hands soothingly through her hair “No, of course not. I’m not leaving you. You’re literally perfect, Leah. I’m not letting go of this.”
“But you guys have so much history. I’m just an insecure little bitch with issues. Why wouldn’t you leave me?”
I hated how this was the way she saw herself. She was vulnerable and always hiding behind a wall, but now, as she showed me the real insecurities beneath, all I wanted to do was heal them away.
“No amount of history is going to fix what she did. Yes, there were a lot of good moments, but it doesn’t count for anything. You are who I’m with now and I can’t be happier.” I kissed her jaw and leaned back to look into her teary eyes. “But I want to move on from the past. I want to have closure so that when I look at us, I know I’ll be able to mend myself and move forward with you.”
The blonde-haired girl leaned her forehead against mine and wrapped her arms around my neck. We stayed like that for a minute, just the two of us matching our breaths and holding this moment for ourselves. After her pondering, she finally spoke. “Alright.”
I smiled at her. “Alright.”
An hour later, I found myself on her bed and under the covers with her snuggled to my side. I’d kiss her forehead every now and then, and those kisses would travel down to her lips to end up in a make-out session. Now, we were just laying there with her head on my shoulder as she played with my fingers. My other hand drew invisible patterns into her hip.
“Babe?”
“Hmm?” I mumbled out, my eyelids drooping as the minutes ticked by.
“What if…” she paused with hesitation but shook her head lightly and continued. “What if her explanation is valid? Will you think of getting back with her?
I could tell her insecurities were talking to her at the moment, and I wanted to do my best to erase them from existence. “No, I won’t. She went past a line, and no amount of history will be able to put what we had back together. She lost my trust, and I don’t think she’ll ever get it back.”
She hummed softly at my answer, then turned so that her body was flushed against me as she lied on top. Her slender fingers cupped my jaws as she brought her lips to mine. I moaned when our mouths met, immediately sucking her lower lip into mine.
She broke our kiss when I was about to slip my tongue into her mouth. “I’m lucky to have you.”
The corners of my lips tugged up at her cuteness. “I’m the lucky one here.”
She grinned at that, showing me her beautiful smile that radiated so much warmth. “No, I am.”
“Can’t. I am.”
As we went back and forth, I stared into her eyes with its olive green and honey brown mix, the little flecks of gold shining and dancing about. This amazing human chose to be with me, and there’s no doubt in me that I was the luckiest girl in the world.
___________________
The weekend came too fast for my liking, and soon, the inevitable meeting was only a half-hour away.
I looked at myself through my full-body mirror, checking if anything was out of place. I knew I shouldn’t be trying so hard, but for some reason, there was something in me that just wanted to prove to her that her actions from before didn’t affect me anymore. That I came out on top and better than ever.
I straightened my light-blue Sherpa-lined corduroy jacket for the last time, took a deep nervous breath in, then left the house.
The drive to Davey’s wasn’t long and by the time I reached the place, there was still ten minutes before the designated meeting time.
I parked Logan and slowly got out, making my way to the coffee shop that was only a block away from the one I worked at. I specifically chose this one because I knew the place wasn’t too bad or crowded, and I didn’t want a scene to happen at my workplace if this went south.
The bell over the door rang out when I entered. I ordered a latte at the counter then immediately headed to the table at the back, secluded from most of the other tables around. Sitting down in the cushioned chair, I glanced at my phone and saw it was almost time.
She wasn’t the early type, so her lack of appearance was to be expected, but after five minutes of waiting and no Isabelle, I started to wonder if I was just wasting my time on her. I mean, she was the one who wanted to talk, but maybe something changed.
I decided to wait only a little bit longer. Seven minutes later, I saw her figure enter the café as she looked a little flushed. It didn’t take long for her to spot me in the not-so-crowded shop and made her way over with an apologetic expression.
She sat down quickly. “Sorry for being late. Something came up at home and I had to deal with it.”
I nodded in acknowledgement. “Is Thomas doing okay?”
The ebony-haired girl looked surprised at the mention of her brother that was two years our junior but replied, nonetheless. “Yeah, he’s doing okay. Still annoying, but can’t do anything about that,” she tried to joke, but all it received was a small curl of the lip.
The silence that ensued was awkward. There were the sounds of the coffee shop that played in the background, with the clinking sound of my metal spoon as it stirred around the cup, but it did nothing to help the tense atmosphere.
I could see the girl in front of me turn uncomfortable too as she shuffled in her seat, so I decided to be the one to say something first, and I wasn’t beating around the bush. “So, why did you do it?”
She looked startled at my bold question, but she shouldn’t be. I came here for answers and not a catch-up, so one way or another, I was going to have my closure – or I’d have to move on without it.
“Um, u-uh, what do you- I mean, wh-” was all she could stutter out, and I started to become annoyed with this conversation that’s barely even begun.
“Just say it,” I huffed, my eyes narrowed.
“I don’t know how- where do I begin? It’s complica-”
Growling under my breath, I decided this was officially a waste of my time. “If you can’t speak properly, I’m just gonna leave.”
I started to get up, but she stopped me with a desperate look. “Wait! Just let me talk! Please, Alyssa. I’m just a little frazzled. There’s so much I’ve wanted to say.”
Her pleading words got me to pause. I sighed and slowly sat back down, hearing her sigh in relief.
Finally, she seemed to have gathered herself and cleared her throat. “I didn’t mean to do it.” I wanted to roll my eyes at that. “I was feeling so depressed then, and I didn’t know what to do. I felt so out of control and needed-”
At the word ‘control’, I started laughing humourlessly. It was almost hysterical-sounding, and Isabelle stared at me, confused. When I calmed down, my eyes focused on her with a piercing glare. “You felt so out of control? Do you even remember that time where you outed me without my consent? To people, I barely knew. And those same people came for me, beat me up and threatened me. Do you know how out of control that feels? Huh?”
A look I didn’t expect appeared in her stark green eyes. Remorse. Isabelle Howard was remorseful.
“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you when you told me what happened before. Those three; Fergus, Laura and Jamie, I thought they were okay with me being this way. But I missed the signs.” Her eyes showed regret as she held my gaze. “I’m sorry I ever put you in danger. I just wanted to be out, not hiding anymore. I wanted to be me and accepted.”
“And in turn, you stole my decision from me. Everyone could’ve known and found out about me. My parents, my classmates, and all before I was ready. You would’ve stolen that moment that belonged to me alone, but you didn’t think about that, did you?” I asked rhetorically, feeling a blank mask settle over my features.
I saw her take a big gulp and look down at the table. “I’m sorry. I really am,” she whispered, lips barely moving.
I pursed my lips, trying to keep my emotions at bay. I couldn’t show her weakness, never again. “Why did you cheat?”
My ex winced as I spoke the last word. “That was a mistake.” I waited for her to explain further. “When I talked to the three about what you told me, they admitted on the things they did, but vaguely, and I finally saw what they thought of me.” Her brows furrowed in pain at the thought. “I lost my three closest friends that day, and all of a sudden, I had no foundation. I started going wild, partying and drinking, because I didn’t know what to do with myself.”
I realised that was when I also lost contact with her, but I remembered that by then, I was ignoring her calls because of what she did.
Isabelle continued her explanation. “I was at a random party that day, and all I could remember was feeling alone and abandoned. I had no one, and for a moment, I wanted to forget that. Pretend I wasn’t alone. But by the time I realised what I did, you were there. That’s when I realised what happened.” She grimaced. Focusing her gaze back on me, she gave me this pleading look. “I regret what I did. It wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“But it did. And it was your choice.” I said solemnly, and I saw my words hit her like a bullet.
“If I could take it back, I would do it in an instant. Please, believe me,” she pleaded.
As I listened, I realised that no matter how she explained the events of the past, I would never believe her like I once did. That part of us will forever be broken. I nodded anyway, not because I actually believed her, but because I’ve realised, I’ve already moved past it.
But one question still lingered. “Why did you come to find me now? After all this time? Why bother?”
Her expression had shown relief but turned solemn at that. “I’m moving away.” My jaw slackened in surprise. “My mom got a better job, but it’s a few thousand miles away from here. So, they’ve decided to move.” She shrugged her shoulders, but I noticed her resentment to the idea. “After I transferred to Maryland High, to get away from all that shit, I’ve found better friends. They’re an accepting bunch, and I’ve grown to love them.” Her once bright green eyes glittered with a deep sadness. “I’m gonna miss them.”
For the first time since we broke up, I felt sympathy for her. This wasn’t her trying to get back together with me, but her trying to make amends before she would have to leave. And although it took her moving away to act, she still did. And now, even if I haven’t fully mended from what she has done to me, and hurting even more now, at least this step to closure will help. This was going to bring me closer to Leah, more than ever.
“I could see that blonde girl of yours is good to you,” Isabelle suddenly spoke up, and I realised seconds later she was talking about Leah. It was weird to hear her mention my current girlfriend, but this might just be her way of offering an olive branch.
“She is,” I said reluctantly. But truth was, I wanted to rub it in her face and talk about how well my girlfriend was treating me and helping me come into my own. But I refrained because not only was it not any of her business, but what I have with Leah felt too special for her to taint.
I finished off my cup of coffee then stood up. I got what I came for, answers, and there was no reason for me to stick around for small talk. I may have accepted her explanation, but I doubted we could ever be friends. Merely acquaintances, or strangers.
Before I could leave, my ex stopped me. “I will miss you, Al.”
The girl who was my first love, who had brought me so much pain and heartbreak, wasn’t the person who sat in the chair in front of me. This was someone different, and for a moment, I allowed myself to miss the good times we shared.
But the moment was quickly over. What resided in my mind was the thought of one other person, and just the thought of her allowed me to let go of this past behind for good.
“Bye Isabelle.”
Now, I could finally be the person I know I could be for the person that mattered.