Comfy Closets - Chapter 44: Chapter 44

I couldn't breathe.
For the life of me, I couldn't get air into my lungs. The iron grip of an invisible hand tightened around my throat as I desperately moved to get out of this cement prison with haste.
Every face I passed by became a blur in my mind's eye, now only obstacles in my way to my breath of fresh air. Slipping past the last group of people near the exit, I threw my weight against the door and blew past the threshold, into the open.
Heaving pants escaped my chest as I leaned against the railing just outside, hands clutching the metal with all my might. I shut my eyes tightly and focused on my ragged breaths. In. Out. In. Out. Three-second intervals, like those meditation exercises everyone preaches about.
Finally, the suffocating feeling slowly melted away as I focused only on the rise and fall of my chest, my heart no longer beating in loud thumps in my ear.
With my breathing no longer compromised, I slumped my previously rigid form against the structure, forearms draped over the railing as my hands clutched at my hair.
"Shit! Shit, shit, shit," I muttered under my breath with not a clue on what to do next. I wanted to berate myself, put my head through a wall and just cry.
But I did this to myself. Did I even have a right to cry?
Knowing I didn't, I shook my head and pushed back the unbearable urge to break down. Even so, a tear managed to leak out and run down the side of my face. I quickly brushed it away, sniffling loudly.
The bell rang out from the building behind me, but I didn't budge. I stayed standing there at the back entrance of the school with my head down as one thought after another flitted by in my head. From complete nonsense conjured up by my hysterical fear, to the desperate thoughts that tried to think up ways to fix my shitty situation - it overwhelmed my brain and made it impossible to have one clear thought.
As I became consciously aware of my current location, I glanced around and sighed in relief when I found no one in the vicinity. I didn't want anyone to see me like this - so foolishly and publicly vulnerable. It would've made this all the worse.
The sports fields stretched out before me, all empty and unoccupied - the sudden urge to hide out at the soccer field from everyone called to me temptingly. I looked back at the building looming behind me and immediately decided my classes weren't worth going to, as all the stares and whispers would be waiting for me. Especially now that I knew what it was all about, I figured avoiding it, for now, was my best option.
I wouldn't even know how to respond if anyone came up to me and asked about the rumours.
It was then when I registered the faint buzzing in the pocket of my jeans, something I barely noticed through all the things bombarding my mind. I picked up the call and answered unsteadily. "H-hello?"
"Lyssa! Finally! You answered," a relieved voice sounded out through the phone.
"Leah, hey..."
There was a pause on the other side before she let out a small sigh, concern evident in her tone. "I heard about the rumours going around..."
"Well, they're not exactly rumours, are they?" I said darkly. For a moment, my anger spiked up and I clenched my jaws tightly. However, it didn't last long as I was reminded again that I was the cause of this. "It's my fault anyway," I mumbled softly.
"Hey, no. Don't say that, Lys."
"But it is. I was the one who chose to be rash and kissed you in front of Charles at the party. I did this." A hand came up to rub at my eyes as guilt and helplessness weighed down my figure.
"Lyssa..." my girlfriend trailed off with no other words to say, her tone sombre.
"It's fine. This was going to happen sooner or later," I tried to say lightly, but failed in keeping the strain out of my voice. "I just didn't think it'd happen so soon, like now..."
No one said anything after that for a minute, the sounds of our breathing being the only thing passing between the line. With the thought of my dilemma now cropping up, it prompted me to say something.
"I'm gonna tell my parents. Today."
The thought of this rumour reaching my parents from someone else sent a dangerous chill down my back. It wasn't gonna happen like that. I wasn't gonna let it.
"Babe, what happened here at school doesn't have to be what forces you to tell them. Don't go doing anything rash just because other people are talking about you. To them, it's a rumour," Leah said reasonably. "Don't let them be the reason you force yourself to come out."
I bit my lower lip as I tried to hold back the incoming sob building up in my throat. "I just don't know what to do..."
"Where are you, Lyssa?" the girl asked suddenly, her voice filled with resolve.
"Outside."
"No, where exactly?" I heard her start to walk from her side of the phone
"I'm fine, Leah," I insisted, not wanting her to be here with me. I knew I'd just break down and cry.
She sighed in frustration, but I could no longer hear her footsteps. "You're not, Lys. I can help you with this."
"It's okay, really. I'll be okay. I just need time to figure out what to do," I reassured in the most convincing voice I could manage, hoping it'd be enough to stop her from looking for me.
There was no response for several seconds. "I'm just worried, babe."
I let out a 'hm' sound in acknowledgement. "I know. But don't be. I'll be fine," I lied. To be honest, the saying has become rote to me. I couldn't tell if I really would be or not.
"Alright."
"I wanted to say sorry, though."
Confusion laced her tone. "Why? For what?"
"Well, since Charles told everyone about us kissing, he outed you too-"
"No, that's not what I heard. I overheard some people saying that someone saw you kissing a girl, but they never mentioned my name. The person didn't out me..." Leah pointed out, befuddled. "Wait, you think it was Charles who told everyone?"
Now I was confused. "They didn't mention you? I could've sworn I heard your name..." As I thought long on it, I realised my mistake. "Shit, I just assumed. But this is good, right? And yes, I think it was Charles. Yesterday, he was staring us weirdly and I just had this bad feeling about it. Besides, he found out this weekend, and now it comes out the very next week? I don't think there was any coincidence to it."
Leah sounded like she was pondering something on her side of the phone. "Hmm, but maybe-"
"Well, it doesn't matter now," I cut in. "It's out and we can't really do anything about it."
"I guess." But Leah didn't sound like she wanted to drop it.
I pushed off the railing and slowly walked, moving to go around the building. "I think I'm gonna go home."
"You're not going to actually tell your parents right away because of this, are you?" she asked concernedly.
"No. Maybe? I don't know." Air escaped my nose noisily as I breathed out heavily, settling with one answer. "Maybe."
"Do you want me to come with you? I can skip today, stay with you?"
"No, it's okay. You don't have to do that. There's no one at home right now, and I kinda wanna be alone for now, anyway."
"Okay. Just- call me if you need me, alright? If you decide to tell or not - call me either way."
A small smile curved my lips at her words. "Alright."
We ended the call and I continued my slow trudge to the school car park, encountering no one on my way there as everyone was occupied with class. I got to Logan and fell into the driver's seat, sighing heavily as I started him up. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately.
Arriving at home fifteen minutes later, I noticed no cars parked in the driveway, as I expected. My shoulders relaxed at the sight and I proceeded to park Logan and open the front door for myself.
The house was nice and quiet when I entered, and I immediately felt better now that I was home with no one else to truly see me. Letting the mask fall, one tear fell as I walked up the steps. Then another as I made it to the landing. By the time I got to my room, a steady stream of tears was flowing down my face and I couldn't do anything to stop it.
My bag fell to the ground and the door slammed shut behind me before I made it to my bed. I crawled on top and clutched a pillow to me.
Sobs wracked my chest as I laid on my side. The solitude gave me the safety from judgement, and I cried and cried despite the fact that I was the one that caused this, staining my blankets with bouts of tears.
I didn't know what I was crying about. It was hard to tell at the moment as the sadness and the pain in my chest overwhelmed me. Maybe I was crying because I lost my chance to choose when I wanted to come out. Maybe it was because I felt like I was being forced to tell my parents. I didn't know. I just knew that everything was hurting, and I had no power to stop it.
I stayed in my curled fetal position for a long time, so long that I lost track of time. The sobs have gone, and the tears have slowed down, but an empty feeling remained in my body. I stared out the window from my bed, gazing at the sky outside in a daze.
I can't stay like this, I thought, knowing that I looked pathetic in my current position. So, releasing the pillow from my grasp, I sat up groggily and propped myself against the headboard with effort.
My head fell back with a soft thud and I wiped at my face, sniffling, clearing my throat as I got myself together again. In the corner of my eye, the guitar resting on the far side of the room caught my attention. It was the one that my parents got me for Christmas, and after staring at it for a while, I stood up and grabbed it by its neck.
Settling back down in my original position, I propped the instrument on my lap and gave it a carefree strum. I tuned it back up and proceeded to play out some chords in no particular order. The chords turned into a pattern, and the pattern made up a song. Before I knew it, I was strumming out song after song, all of them sombre and depressing in one form or another. But it made me feel better because I didn't have to think when I played - my fingers did all the work without command, and with it, beautiful melodies floated around the room to perfectly match the emotions I held inside me.
But I had to come back to reality at some point.
After noticing it was past noon, I found myself eating a quick snack and wandering around the house minutes after I put down the guitar. It felt better than sitting in my room and crying again.
Walking through each room, I noticed the things I normally dismissed - the things that naturally faded into the background. Ornaments, knick-knacks, and photo frames filled the surfaces and walls of my home. The pictures were what stood out to me the most. Family photos, baby photos, wedding photos - each one brought back a specific memory that caused a fond smile to briefly stretch my lips every time.
Just outside the den and on the wall, was a picture of our family on the ski trip in Colorado from just last year. I stopped in my tracks to stare at it.
We were stood atop the snowy hill, grins on our faces as Dad had an arm around Mom and I held little Addison on my hip. We simply looked happy. Then I wondered whether we would look this happy on our next trip - after I've told them about me. It was a depressing thought, honestly, but I couldn't help but be scared of the change that would happen.
Because I know change will happen, and all I didn't know was how much.
As I went to move to the next picture, I heard the unlocking of the front door sound out from the foyer. Turning around in a panic, I waited frozen in my spot as the door swung open and the clicks of heels resounded against the hardwood floor. Dread filled my belly as I saw the woman coming to view, hoping against hope that if I stayed still enough, I'd become invisible.
The woman in the formal black pantsuit marched to the study in a rush, past the doorway of the living room without even a glance this way, and for a moment, I breathed out a sigh of relief. But it was sadly short-lived. She came back with some documents in hand, trying to fit it into her purse when she noticed my still presence in the room.
"Alyssa Woods! What are you doing here and not at school!" my mom yelled, shocked as she put her bag down on the couch. "I got a call from the school office saying you weren't even there for the first period! Did you leave then come back when everyone was gone?! Because if you did and think you can fool us, you might want to think again. You are in serious trouble, young lady!"
My body unconsciously caved into itself, but I frantically tried to put on a mask of indifference, nonetheless, not wanting to give away what had actually happened. Her shrill voice bounced off the walls around us, and I took her words head-on.
The intimidating woman continued her lecture, azure eyes blazing with intensity. "You think you can skive school whenever you want, huh? Well, sorry to say this but that's not how it works! Your father will hear about this and both of us will decide on your punishment later tonight."
As she spoke, the reason why I came home early kept cycling through my mind. I tried to think of something else, but the harder I tried, the more my mind pushed the memories forward. Flashes from this morning played out like a movie. The very reminder of what had happened brought tears to my eyes, despite how hard I was biting on my lower lip to stop myself. The yelling only made my resistance to it even weaker.
I felt a tear run down my face and quickly wiped it away. It was then that my mother noticed that something wasn't right, because I didn't normally cry when she scolded me.
"Alyssa, why did you come home early? Are you sick?" the woman asked more calmly. "Why didn't you just tell us?"
I looked to the side, so I didn't have to meet her eyes. "No, I'm fine," I said tightly, feeling as if a ball was stuck in my throat. It felt like a sob could escape my mouth at any moment.
"Why are you crying, then?" Mom looked more worried than angry now. I was desperately holding onto the last threads of my mask, but when she asked me that question, it was like I lost my hold on those strings and it all came crumbling apart.
I felt my face scrunch up as the broken dam released the tears I tried so hard to seal away. "It's just... I-I can't-"
She came forward cautiously and held my shoulders, her eyebrows furrowed. "What is it, honey? Did something happen?"
I shook my head, covering my mouth to keep in the sobs as I tried to turn away and escape, but her firm grip on my shoulders prevented me from doing so.
"Tell me what's wrong."
I stuttered out a sentence. "I-I c-can't."
"Yes, you can," she said adamantly.
Looking up at her unsurely, I debated whether now was the right time to tell her this. I knew it wasn't part of my plan but being outed wasn't a part of the plan either.
"I don't know if I should tell you this right now," I said, sniffling as I wiped away the tears on my cheeks with my sleeves as much as I could.
"If it's important, you should," Mom said gently, watching me expectantly.
I knew this was important.
And with that thought, my heart started hammering in my chest as I knew that this was it. This had to be the moment. Every wall I built up to hide this secret now crumbled, one by one. Taking in a deep breath, I gathered up the courage from every corner of my being and desperately hoped I wouldn't back down. Be brave, Alyssa.
"Mom, I've known this about myself for a long time. It's just a part of who I am and something I can't change." I looked at her nervously, chewing on the insides of my cheeks as her gaze focused on me intently. "But I'm still the same person. I'm still Alyssa."
"What do you mean?" my mom asked slowly.
My palms grew sweaty as I stared at her, and I had to swallow a gulp just to clear the dryness from my throat. As I met her gaze with a pounding heart that beat against my ribs, I spoke with certainty.
"I mean... I am gay, Mom."
There was nothing for a couple of seconds. No reaction. Despite feeling like I was suspended in mid-air, a large wave of pure, utter relief washed over my being as well. It was like I was breathing in the freshest air I've ever breathed. I felt light - heart fluttering as fast as a hummingbird's wings. This feeling was insane, yet the most alive I can ever remember feeling.
But something in her gaze paused it all.
Her eyes slowly widened, both hands falling from my shoulders to cover her mouth, leaving the spot cold. I looked at her with apprehension, clasping the hem of my shirt with shaking hands as I waited for something to come out of her mouth.
"Mom?"
Then she said the one thing I dreaded so badly to hear.
"You can't be."
My once fluttering heart now dropped to a stop. It slumped down to my stomach as I gazed at her with a gaped mouth, not fully registering the words to its complete extent.
"W-what?"
"I said, you can't be." The woman's shocked stare shifted into one of determination, denial coating her grave tone. "My daughter is not gay."
As tears started seeping out of my eyes, desperation slowly built up in me. "Yes, I am gay. I've known for a long time," I repeated, but the words seemed to go right through her.
"You like boys. I know you do. We talk about them all the time!" Mom explained, shaking her head from side to side.
"No, that's you who keeps talking about them! I've never said anything..." I said softly, my voice breaking towards the end as I didn't want to believe what was happening.
But the older woman seemed firm in her opinion, unwavering of her answer. "You. Like. Boys. You always have. You don't suddenly change and switch to the opposite! That doesn't happen, Alyssa," she said condescendingly.
"But I haven't..." I whispered weakly.
Mom stepped away from me and grabbed her purse from the couch. "Enough about this nonsense. I'm done talking about this. And I need to get back to work."
"But Mom-"
"I said enough!" she snapped loudly, spinning around and giving me a hard, authoritative glare.
"Mom, please, just listen," I pleaded, but she ignored it and walked to the front door. I followed her. She paused for a second as she opened the door in front of her.
"When I get back, I don't want to hear any more of this."
With that, she left with the slam of the door and I stood standing by the entrance, stunned. Tears leaked down my face, but this time, it didn't seem like it would ever stop.
I leant against the wall closest to me and slid down to the floor. Sobs escape my throat when I started to realise what had happened, cupping my mouth with both hands as I tried to hold myself together. But it wasn't enough.
Heavy, heaving sobs echoed around the space as I cried out loud. The rejection of my own mother cut a wound so deep that I couldn't imagine there being anything to relieve the pain.
Hours passed by like this until there weren't any more tears left to cry. I sat on the floor in the same place, staring at the opposite wall with a blank gaze. My eyes felt puffy and my throat, scratchy. But I didn't pay it any mind because there was nothing left in me that seemed to care about anything anymore.
The sky grew dark, and when I heard the door open, I didn't even have it in me to look.
A masculine voice spoke up. "I'm home- Alyssa?" When I didn't respond, the man approached me. "Alyssa, what's wrong? What happened?"
Finally, I turned to look at my Dad with empty, vacant eyes and answered him in a monotonous tone.
"I told Mom that I was gay."