Crack In The Ice - Chapter 31: Chapter 31

Chloe and I placed first at the US Figure Skating Championships.
It was our second gold and fifth consecutive US Championships medal.
I should be on cloud nine hundred.
And I am.
Truly.
We are national champions. On Team USA. Heading for the Winter Olympics. Our plans are underway. Dreams on the borderline of becoming reality.
It's amazing.
And all I want is to talk to him.
I want to tell him about how amazing it all is. I want him to tell me how amazing it is. That he's happy for me. I want to smile at my phone and be happy together.
My parents are currently in their living room, with my little sister and my grandma. And Chloe, and James, and Chloe's parents, and Chloe's brother, and our coach Helga, and even Gus and Nat. They're all here to celebrate us. Our victory.
Meanwhile, I'm sitting on the stairwell in the lobby, staring at the black screen of my phone, hoping for a notification that won't come.
Gus emerges from the door, halfway into his coat. It doesn't look like he sees me.
"Hey."
He jumps a little, turning his head to look at me with wide eyes. "Hey."
"Where are you going?"
"Oh." He looks back to where he came from. Where he probably slipped away from, without being noticed. Like I did.
"Are you leaving?"
"Yeah," he says almost sheepishly.
"Why?"
"Uhm." He shrugs. "Headache."
"Mh. Is it serious?"
"Probably not. Just need to lie down."
I frown.
Even before he didn't place on the podium on this year's nationals, Gus had already been acting strange. Withdrawn. Quiet. Almost hostile, when pushed to speak.
I look at him as he stands at the bottom of the stairs, halfway to the door, looking out of place.
"Sure. Call if you need anything," I say, because I figure it's better than asking him if he's okay and forcing him to say 'yes' without meaning it.
Gus nods, looking a little surprised. Then he leaves.
My phone buzzes almost on cue, and I nearly drop it in the rush to check my messages.
It's only Mack, though.
I set my phone next to me on the steps and lean my head against the wall.
I should be over the moon, being painfully obnoxious to my friends and family about my winning streak while they let me get away with it because I've earned it. Instead, I feel almost hollowed out.
I want to have the right to text Eli about just how fucking happy I am, and see him getting excited for me because we're together and people who are together get excited for each other's success.
You can have that, a little voice in the back of my head says. With Rachel.
With her, I could have someone by my side. Someone I can show off to friends and family. Not have to worry about hiding the way I look at her. Not having to measure my words even when we're alone so as to not scare her away.
Once, I came so close to believing I could have exactly that with her. Years ago. Right after Eli left and I was telling myself I had to get used to life without him.
But then Rachel left for college and Eli slipped right back into my life. Just as easily as the first time. Like that's where he had always been meant to stay.
My phone buzzes. I pick it up too fast and my heart constricts without asking for permission.
"Hey," I say.
"Hey," Eli speaks from the other side of the line.
"What's up." I cringe.
"Just wanted to say congratulations," Eli says.
I smile, because of fucking course I do. "Thanks."
"I know I could've probably texted, but."
"Right."
"I wanted to hear your voice."
If I wasn't so weak, my stomach would not be melting right here and now. But I am and it is.
"Right." I clear my throat. "Well. You are."
"Yeah."
"Is this what you wanted?"
Eli laughs, like he knows how ridiculous we sound too. The sound shouldn't feel so nice. "Honestly. I don't know."
"Yeah."
I can hear him breathe, so I know he's still there, but no one speaks. I don't know how long we go in this strangely not quite comfortable silence, but it feels like an eternity.
I clear my throat, torn between not wanting to end the moment and wanting desperately to hear his voice again. "How was your Christmas?"
"Good."
"Mh."
"Owen came over."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. It was nice. Didn't realize how much I missed being just the three of us."
"I think that's a lie." I smile. "I think you knew exactly how much you missed it."
"Maybe." He laughs almost timidly. "I, uh..."
"What?"
"Nothing, I just. When Owen was here..."
"Yes?"
"Uhm. He's going back home. Owen."
"Oh." I could almost swear by his hesitation that he was going to tell me something else. What exactly I expected, I don't know. "That's good."
"Yeah. He's going back next week. He's flying to Boston tomorrow to sort some shit out, then he's going straight home."
"I'm sure he'll get a warm welcome."
"Yeah. I was thinking... I don't want to sound like I'm taking advantage or anything."
"What is it?"
"You don't know if your dad would have any open spots?"
I smile. "For an overachieving academic prodigy like Owen Holmes? Always. Do you want me to mention anything?"
"I'm not asking for an advantage or anything. Just, like, an interview. Like you did for Connor?"
I frown. "How do you know I got Connor his interview?"
"I didn't. Not for sure," he says. "But he is Chloe's brother. And she's your friend."
"She didn't ask me."
"She wouldn't have to, though."
"Yeah. I guess not." I smile. In truth, Chloe didn't ask. But she did mention her brother was looking for a job. And that his major was Computer Engineering. She would never have dared straight up asking, not with how she was raised. But she also knew I wasn't raised with the same reservations about putting in favors.
"I'll mention Owen," I tell Eli.
"Thanks," he says. "How was your Christmas?"
"Good."
"Did your sister go home? Logan?"
"No. She was preparing for her promotion in New York."
"Right." There's a pause. "Am I keeping you?"
"No," I say maybe a little too fast. For the first time, I take note of the background noise of muffled voices on Eli's side. "Am I keeping you?"
"No. That's just the TV," he says. "Dean's watching Master Chef."
I smile. "My mom watches that with my grandma. It's funny because my mom doesn't like cooking and my grandma doesn't understand English."
"I don't cook either and I watch it with Dean."
My brain provides me with an unauthorized image of a future where I can sit on the couch watching hockey on TV with Eli. Not because I like it, but for the mundane happiness of sitting next to someone you love. A future I know isn't in our plans.
"I should go."
"So I was keeping you," he speaks slowly.
I bite my lip. "Maybe a little. But I don't mind."
"Take care."
"You too."
I feel weirdly exposed after hanging up. Like if someone walked out they would see not only right through my clothes, but past the skin and muscle too, right to the bone.
Luckily, when someone does come out of the living room looking for me, it's just my mom.
"What are you doing here, cariño?"
"Taking a break."
"Breaks are good." She walks over to sit next to me on the steps. "Anything wrong?"
I shake my head.
My mom smiles fondly. "When you were little I never had to ask you that, you know. If you were ever hurt, or just the tinniest bit uncomfortable, you would make sure to give everyone around you an earful."
I don't think my smile is very convincing when I try it.
My mom gives me a knowing look. "I preferred that, you know. You could be a little annoying. But it was better than seeing you like this."
I look at her. Near-black eyes stare back at me. The eyes that somehow she didn't pass down to me, even though I look more like her than my dad in everything else.
Logan, my older sister, gets everything from my dad. The blonde hair, the pale white skin, the curve of her nose, the squareness of her jaw. This expression on my mom's face right now, though, I think I've seen it on Logan too. Blue eyes instead of brown, but with the same you couldn't fool me even if you tried better than this look.
"Mom?"
"Yes?"
"Did you really date dad in secret for six years?"
Dark eyebrows draw up in an arch. Maybe my dad didn't tell her about the conversation. That makes me feel an unfamiliar kind of warmth.
Eventually, she shrugs. "I did."
"Why?"
"I don't know. It's been so long, it feels really silly now," she says. "But I was scared."
"Why?"
"Because people can be really mean. And they can say very cruel things. I was afraid of what those things would do to me. To my life. To the way I saw myself."
I can tell that it feels strange for her to talk about this. My mom can listen for hours about our pains and our hurts, if we're the ones doing the talking. She can joke and tease about her own history with my dad. But when it's her own feelings and her honest emotions, I don't think I've ever really heard her opening up much. I don't know if it makes her uncomfortable to be vulnerable in front of her children, or if she's the same with everyone else.
"If you were so scared of what people might say, why did you agree to be with him in the end?"
She takes a moment to think about it. "I think people only make real change in their lives when the threat of staying the same is bigger than the threat of changing," she starts slowly. "When your dad told me he couldn't keep hiding, I realized the alternative was to lose him forever. I realized I loved him more than I thought. And suddenly losing him seemed worse than anything anyone might say."
That was it.
I knew it was. I always have.
This is why I'm so afraid to really walk away from Eli. I don't want to find out that he cares more about what other people might think than he does about me.
Because the truth is I don't know what I would do if the roles were reversed. If it was between Eli and my career, would I really risk my dream for these feelings?
"And how-" I clear my throat. "How do you let go of someone when you don't want to? Even if you think you're hurting each other?"
My mom frowns.
"When I was trying to ignore my feelings for your dad, I tried seeing other men," she says.
I raise my eyebrows.
She laughs. "I know this isn't the type of thing a son wants to hear from his mother, so I won't go into detail. But if there's one thing I learned it's that it's useless trying to trick your own feelings. And dragging others into it can get messy."
"What if..."
She tilts her head, waiting for me to continue.
"What if you weren't the one fighting it? What if the roles were reversed and you were in dad's shoes? What if you loved him and he wasn't ready to be with you the way you wanted him to, and he wasn't going to change his mind?"
She frowns. "I don't know," she says. "But loving someone is hard. It can hurt a lot when it doesn't work out. Some things are worth making an effort, but knowing when to let go is important."
"How?"
"Time, I think. You need to give yourself permission to feel the way you feel for a while."
"What if the way I'm feeling is like absolute shit?"
She smiles. "Yeah, that's the tricky part. But you should also give yourself permission to feel like absolute shit. We don't always need to be happy. Feeling sorry for ourselves is allowed."
I lean my head against the wall. That was really not what I wanted to hear.
What I wanted was a magic potion to wipe all the memories of Eli. But also a little bag to keep those memories so they're not truly lost. Only put away. Just in case.
"Are you sure there's nothing wrong, cariño?"
"No."
"Wanna talk about it?"
"No."
"Will you come to me if you do?"
I nod.
"Then I'll leave you alone"
I don't really know what to do with myself when she does.
I could keep moping on the stairs, while everyone is happy in the other room. I could also pull a Gus and just leave. Chloe would never let that go unnoticed, but that's a problem for another day.
It sucks that I can't talk to her. Or my mom. Or anyone.
I can't talk about this with anyone because, as much as I want to yell in everyone's face that I'm very much in love with Eli Blake and I don't know how to deal with that, please send help... I just can't do that to him.
I can't talk about it as some anonymous person either, because Chloe would know. Because if I were ever to open my mouth about my story with Eli, anyone with eyes that has been living in this town would just know.
Because Chloe is right.
As much as I would do it all exactly the same way if we were to go back, keeping Eli's secret to preserve his trust has made me build this whole private world no one else knows about. I went from open book to having one of the most important parts of myself happen in complete secrecy. And that means, now that I need to talk to someone about it, I can't. Not without betraying Eli.
Well.
Unless.
I scroll through the contacts and press dial before I can think twice about it.
She picks up on the third ring.
"Hey."
"Hey," Rachel says. "Congratulations, Mr Gold Medal."
"Thanks."
"I did text."
"I know."
"Anything wrong?"
"Not really. I just... I needed to tell you something."
"Okay."
"When you were here, a few weeks ago," I start. "We talked about us. Kind of. You said you were coming home in the summer."
"I am."
"And we said we would talk."
"Yeah."
"I also told you there was someone."
Why is my heart beating so fast?
Maybe it's the short pause, while I wait for her to say something.
"The someone you don't talk about me to?"
"Yes."
"Mh."
"The truth is..." I bite my lip. "The truth is that's not quite over yet. I mean, it might be, just not... not for me. What I mean is... I'm still in love with them."
"Okay." Her voice is strangely level.
I close my eyes, suddenly unsure if this call was the right move but unable to stop myself now that I opened my mouth.
"Seeing you was so easy. Kind of like before you went away for college. I thought maybe that's what I needed. To get over them, I mean."
"But?"
"But now my mom said something to me and I think that would be kind of like using you."
"I see."
"I'm sorry. I just really wanted to forget this person. I wanted to not be constantly thinking about someone who doesn't feel the same way back. And I thought... Yeah, just. Sorry."
"Okay. Well. Thank you for your honesty."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah." She laughs. "I appreciate you telling me. It also sounds like maybe you had that pent up for a while?"
My turn to laugh. "You have no idea."
"The truth is I like you, Liam," she says. "Not writing-your-name-inside-hearts like you, but we did have something good before I left. Even if it wasn't serious. But if you're in love with someone else, I don't think I want to try to get serious."
"Yeah. I figured."
"Is this what you wanted to tell me?"
"Yeah. Sorry." I look down. "It's been a strange day."
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Would it be awkward if I said I do? What with the context of... well, us."
"I mean... it could be," she muses. "But it doesn't have to be. If you need to talk to someone, that is."
"I just... I'm kind of at an impasse."
"Because you have different views about your relationship?" She asks. "That's what you said. About the mysterious someone."
"Yeah. Well." I snort. "That was a bit of an oversimplification."
"What would be a more accurate description?"
I bite my lip. "I want to be with them openly. They feel like they can't do that."
"Right. Like, a closet case? Or more like forbidden love kind of thing? Does your family have mortal enemies? I know it can't be class, because your parents liked me and the whole of my family's riches is limited to my mom's collection of can pull tabs."
I snort. "It was a very fine collection."
She laughs. "Either way," she says, getting a little more serious. "I don't think what you're talking about is a small thing. Even without knowing the exact context - which you don't have to tell me - that sounds like a pretty big deal. You should be allowed to be open about your relationship. But no one should be pushed to open up about a relationship before they're ready, whatever the reason. And you can't really force each other to be trapped with a choice you're not comfortable making."
I sigh. "I know that. But what if..."
"Yes?"
"What if I'm more in love with them now than I know how to process? What if I kind of got myself into a ten mile-deep hole of feelings I wasn't prepared to deal with? What if I already said 'I love you' and I'm not ready to take it back, but I also can't stand that there was no reply?"
"Honestly?" She lets out a long breath. "I'm not sure I can tell you. I don't think I've ever felt that strongly about anyone. No offense."
I smile. "None taken."
"But."
"Yes?"
"My instinct is to tell you to find a way. To let go. Somehow. Because if neither of you is going to change your position, this relationship is a dead end. And it'll probably continue to hurt you both until one of you finds the nerve to cut the chord."
Well. Ouch.
"But, like I said. I've never had these feelings you're talking about. I might be wrong. I might be a bitter skeptic with no faith in love. Maybe The Beatles were right, and love really is all you need, in which case you should ignore my advice."
"Right." I gulp. "Maybe."
"I wish there was more I could say to help."
"Actually. I think you did help." I make an effort to smile through the weight in my stomach, even though she can't see me. "Thank you for not hanging up on me after I started rambling about being head over heels about someone else."
She laughs. "Of course. Feel free me anytime you need to get some more rambling out of your system."
I snort. "Thanks. I think I will."