Crack In The Ice - Chapter 34: Chapter 34

I see him come in.
Helga is in the middle of some corrections, so I do my best to focus on practice. The Olympics are just around the corner, I can't afford the distraction.
Almost like he knows that, he sits to the back of the bleachers, like he's trying to make himself as small of an intrusion as possible. Except it's Eli. So of course every nerve on my body is still hyper-aware of his presence.
I can see Chloe glance at me. I guess she saw him too and wants to make sure I'm not going to mentally check out from our training session thirty minutes before the end.
When we move to start our short program again, I can feel his eyes on me. I can feel it through every lift, jump and throw. But this program is ingrained in the fibers of my body by now. Every move flows naturally. And not even Eli's presence can throw me off.
On the contrary.
One could even say I'm showing off a bit. Except there's no such thing as showing off when ice skating.
Helga calls us in after and has us repeat a couple of elements. There are no major corrections this far down the line, just the nit-picks that will definitely make the difference.
We repeat the short program for her in full once more, then go through the free skate one last time before Helga declares we need our rest.
"I'm going to stay a bit to cool down."
Chloe looks at me, glancing unceremoniously up at the bleachers, where Eli sits. "You gonna be okay?"
"Yeah."
She nods.
I turn back into the rink, enjoying a few slow laps around the ice while the arenas empty, as they always do at this hour. I try a few spins, but the goal is to cool down, so I let my movements get gradually slower, lazier.
When the Ice Arenas have cleared out and we're the only two people left, he comes down to stand by the edge of the rink. I glide over, glancing over to his sneaker-clad feet.
"Didn't bring your skates?"
Hands shoved in his sweater's front pocket, Eli shrugs.
"That's a shame," I muse. "We had some nice moments on this ice, after hours."
"Yeah. We really did."
His smile makes me smile.
"When did you get here?" I ask.
"Thought you saw me come in."
"I meant to town," I say.
"Yesterday."
I nod.
Eli shrugs again. "Dean's brother's in town. Spent the day with them. Then saw Owen's family and my brother today."
"Didn't see your brother at The Lodge. Or you."
"He took the days off."
I hum, noncommittal. Or at least I hope that's how I sound. "When are you leaving?"
"Tomorrow morning."
"All-Star game, right? In Seattle?"
"Yeah. You watching?"
I give him a half-smile. "Can't. Training. Olympics are less than a month away."
"Right. Of course." He nods. "You're gonna do great."
"Sure hope so."
"You will," he says. "You're amazing."
"Yeah, well." I smile. "We've been training pretty hard."
The smile Eli gives me is almost shy. It makes my dickhead of a heart squeeze in a way it has no right to. "I meant you specifically," he says quietly. Intimately.
I swallow, in an attempt to keep my voice in check. "Thanks," I murmur, failing miserably.
One of Eli's hands comes out of his pocket to twist the cord of his hoodie around his fingers.
"I told my brother last night."
I look up at his face, frowning.
"I, uh." He gulps, looking at the cord twisted around his index finger so tightly it turned the tip white. "I came out to my brother."
"You did?" My voice sounds too thin to be real.
Eli nods.
My heart does a little flip-flop and jolt thing I can't explain. "How, uh-" I clear my throat. "How did he react? Are you okay?"
"Yeah." He smiles. "I'm fine. He reacted pretty well, actually. The coming out wasn't even that big of a deal, to be honest. We had a lot of shit to talk about."
I don't know what to say. So I say nothing.
"I told my friends before that too," he says.
Something painfully sweet I can't name tightens ruthlessly around my stomach.
"Just Olie, Dean and Owen," Eli adds slowly. "For now."
"I, uh-," am completely stunned and lost for words. "Did they, uhm..."
"Owen already knew."
My eyes widen. "What?"
"He saw us. At the lake. On New Year's."
He doesn't need to specify which New Year's night he's talking about. My lips part. I'm still speechless. I don't know what I expected from Eli when I saw him on the bleachers, but it was definitely not this.
"Yeah, so." Eli shrugs. "Owen already knew. Which means Dean knows too now. About us. You and me."
"That's..."
Apparently I'm still incapable of full, coherent sentences. Surprisingly, Eli doesn't seem to have a problem to continue carrying this interaction.
"I just wanted to let you know that, uhm..." He bites his lip. "I don't think I... I'm not ready for everything you want from me yet. But I'm working on it."
I nod. Which is definitely a too-tame reaction for the frenzy going on inside my chest.
"I wanted you to know that I'm trying," he continues. "And I see what you told me before I left about being honest and being happy. I don't think I can really live the way I used to anymore. I wanted my friends and my brother to know. I wanted to feel like I was being honest with them and myself."
I press my lips together hard, like I'm trying to trap any unfinished sentences inside.
Eli's hazel-gray eyes hold mine. "I also wanted you to know that you're part of the reason," he says, and I realize his voice has been getting quieter as he speaks. More private. Like it's just for me. "Meeting you changed the way I looked at my life and all the plans I made. Even if... Even if this isn't really going maybe the way we both want it."
I bite my lip around a smile, nodding.
Eli doesn't fill the silence this time.
I let out a slow, albeit shaky breath. "Think that's the most words you said to me in a row that weren't about hockey. Like, ever."
Eli laughs. It's a nervous kind of laugh. It makes me aware of that sweet pain constricting my throat, still there.
"I'm proud of you," is what comes out of my mouth, when I can finally get more words out.
Eli gulps, glancing down.
"But," I add.
He nods without lifting his eyes to meet mine.
"I don't think you have any idea how much I've been stuck on you for the past few years," I say in one breath. Like a really long sigh. "You've kind of completely hijacked my thoughts. I've been so hung up on you, it's starting to consume me a little. I thought about..." I see the look in his eyes, even as they're directed to his feet, and it hurts.
Still. I have to say it. If we're being honest, then we're being honest.
"I thought about moving on," I say. "Especially lately. I've been on the verge of making all of my career dreams come true and I still can't get you out of my mind. Every win, every medal, every bad day, every good day. You're always the first person I want to talk to. And then there's this whole part of my life I've built around you that I can't talk to anyone about. Even my friends can tell something's up."
Eli bites his lip, nodding. He looks up, but not at me.
"I'm proud of you," I repeat softly. "And I really hope this means you're heading for a better place."
His eyes finally meet mine. That does something to my insides.
"I've just been really doubting if I can wait until we're finally on similar places," I say through an unsteady pulse. I might actually have to check a heart doctor.
"I get it." He clears his throat. "I don't... I don't expect you to wait for me."
"I know."
There's a pause. Eli looks resigned when he holds my gaze again. Hurt, but like he expected it. That makes me want to climb over the separation between us to grab his face and kiss him.
"But," I say, instead of that more aggressive approach.
Something like hope breaks through in his eyes. Or maybe that's just what I want to see there.
"I would be lying if I told you moving on from you is easy," I say with a self-deprecating laugh. "There are days I wish I could just turn it off. But I can't. Even knowing this was kind of doomed from the start, I can't stop thinking about you. So." I smile. "Even though I can't promise I'll wait for you, I'm also not moving on from you that soon."
Eli looks like he's trying to hold back a smile.
"Am I a dick for being happy to hear that?" He asks.
I laugh.
He bites his lip. "Like, really happy."
I shake my head. If he's a dick for saying it, then I'm an idiot. Because hearing that shouldn't make my heart go loose in my chest.
"Maybe," I say to try to save face.
Eli smiles.
I bite my lip, looking at him. I really want to climb over to his side and kiss him. I don't know if that intention is clear in my eyes, but Eli's eyes seem a little darker.
"It would be really stupid to..." He licks his lips. "I mean, after everything we just said. To just..."
I smirk. "...honor all the good moments we had on this ice after hours?"
Eli presses his lips together. "Yeah."
I nod. "Really stupid."
"Right."
"You probably have an early start tomorrow morning too," I say.
"Yeah."
"You should go home. Rest."
"Yeah."
"Unless..."
His whole body stands to attention. "Yeah?"
"I wouldn't want you to... Like, be distracted," I say.
"Right."
"If there was something you needed to get out of your system."
"Even something stupid?"
"Even something like that."
Eli's lips part and I hang on the moment of tension, waiting for his next words. Then he looks away, grimacing.
"This wasn't... This is not why I came here," he says.
"I know," I say. Maybe a little too urgently.
He looks at me. "I really just wanted to talk to you."
"We talked."
Eli puts his hands back into his pocket. The panicky disappointment brewing in my stomach is a little embarrassing.
"Can't really do anything to you while you're on that side, can I?" He says.
My eyes widen. I skate the short distance to the exit and step out of the ice. Eli watches me take off my skates, slowly stepping closer. I lean over to kiss him before both skates are off my feet.
Lips locking with mine, he grips the front of my shirt to pull me closer and I moan at the increased pressure. Fuck, I missed him.
When he pulls away, far too soon, my lips chase his. He breathes out a laugh, glancing at my right skate, still on my foot.
He steps away, while I take it off, then reach for my shoes. When I'm done I step forward to close the distance between us once more, but stop myself a few inches away. This is our game. I won't go any closer. He has to be the one to close the gap.
And he does.
Kissing Eli feels like coming home. His lips fit against mine like they're never meant to kiss any other lips. His tongue swipes out and my mouth opens for him without any resistance. I let him take the wheel over this. After everything we said to each other, there's a renewed certainty behind his movements.
"The locker room?" I whisper sloppily into the kiss.
"Shit," he hisses.
I smile, pulling back just a bit. "That a yes?"
"Maybe..." He pulls back. "Maybe not."
"What?"
He closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. "I just. Shit."
The smile falls off my lips. His eyes open again to look at me.
"This wasn't- It wasn't supposed to go like this. I'm not sure it's a good idea."
"Right."
I guess the feeling of rejection comes through in my voice, because his face contorts apologetically.
"I want to, Liam. Seriously. But. Is this smart?"
"I already said I don't care," I say.
"That's the problem."
I step back.
"This is what we do every time. We go straight to this part," he says. "I just. You might have decided you're okay with me hurting you, but I'm not sure I am."
Okay, wow.
"I think if anything's going to change... Then something needs to change."
Well. Fuck.
"So." I clear my throat. "You're leaving tomorrow morning?"
"Yeah."
"Right."
"I'll be back."
"Mhm."
He bites his lip. "Should I leave?"
Yes. But also no.
I take a slow, intentional breath in. "Do you have a ride?"
"I can walk."
I roll my eyes. "I'll drive you home," I say, picking up my stuff. "Come on."
He keeps glancing at me almost nervously as we walk to my car. We're silent during the ride into west Brunson. When I pull up to his house, he doesn't leave right away.
"Can I... Can I still call you?"
I look at him. "Yes. Please do."
He smiles. I can't help but smile a little too.
"I missed you," he whispers.
"Yeah. Me too."
He bites his lip. "This is... I mean..."
"Yeah. I know."
Eli doesn't move to leave my car. He stares at me, like his second guessing the last minutes.
"Can I kiss you?"
I raise my eyebrows. "Here?"
He looks around, which feels more true to his usual self. It's dark and there's no one around. His eyes find mine eventually.
"You can always kiss me," I say.
He leans over the center console to put our lips together. It's soft. And light. And sweet.
It feels like it could be a goodbye kiss if it needs to be. Which makes my stomach turn. And the way my chest constricts as I watch him walk away makes me happy he stopped me from making the same mistake I always do.