Crack In The Ice - Chapter 36: Chapter 36

My body was electricity from the tip of my toe nails to the tips of my hair.
For a moment, I thought I would never sleep again. I would just live, permanently awake, permanently electrified, for the rest of my life. The excitement was too much. It was this unwavering, overwhelming sense of purpose and achievement.
But I must have been more tired than I thought because, after a sleepless night in Milan, I crashed as soon as our plane took off. When Helga gently shakes me awake, I think maybe I dreamed it all. One look at the smile in her eyes, though, is enough for me to feel the weight of the bronze medal hanging on my chest.
It wasn't a dream.
Not the kind you dream while you're asleep at least.
Chloe's grin finds me, matching exactly how I feel. I grin back at her.
We did it.
We competed for Team USA at the Winter Olympics. And we won third place. Chloe and I are officially Olympic medalists.
I expected a welcoming party back at home. But apparently my parents thought that wasn't enough and they're there to greet us at the airport. My mom gushes all the way home in the car, speaking so fast she forgets to stick to one single language, switching back and forth between English and Spanish.
At home, Chloe's parents are waiting for us at my parents' house, with Leah and Grandma. Connor and Paige are there too. So is James, Gus and Nat. They greet us like heroes, and we let them because we have an Olympic medal around our necks and we feel kind of invincible right now.
We gather in my parents living room, and everyone wants to hear about what it was like. The athletes, the Olympic village, the city. My parents and Chloe's claim Helga's attention to shower her with compliments about her coaching. She soaks it in.
It's all great.
I can't stray too far from Chloe. Our eyes keep meeting and we can't help but grin at each other.
We actually made it.
When James puts an arm around her, I watch Chloe lean into his side completely and tilt her head up to kiss his cheek. It's the most publicly affectionate I've ever seen her be. James's cheeks go a light shade of pink but he smiles, completely smitten. Mr and Mrs Wong see the innocent kiss and barely blink an eye, which would have been unthinkable five years ago.
And I feel suddenly hollow again.
Because I want that. I want to put my arm around Eli and have him kiss my cheek. I want him here next to me, gushing about my achievement. I want him to be here looking at me with the same kind of pride with which James is looking at Chloe right now. I want Eli to casually put my hand on the small of my back like Connor does with Paige.
So instead of spiraling down those bitter thoughts, I step outside to get some air.
I'm not ready for everything you want from me yet. That's what he said to me before the All-Star game. Eli's not ready to be in a full, committed relationship.
Yet.
That's the fucking word that keeps tripping me up.
I'm working on it, he said. And he is. He actually came out to four different people. Two of them, he told them about us.
Granted, Owen already knew. And I'll never really know if he would have told them if Owen didn't know already. But two people know. And they didn't freak out. So Eli isn't freaking out. I am now living in a world where four people know Eli is gay because he told them, and that's a world where maybe we have a future.
The door opens behind me and I turn around to see Gus closing it.
"Hey."
He jumps, turning around to face me, wide-eyed.
"You're not sneaking away again, are you?"
He looks stunned for a minute, then he forces his shoulders into a more relaxed position. "Not unless you're out here hiding," he says.
"I'm not hiding," I say. "I'm getting some air."
Gus sniffs. "Well. Same."
I roll my eyes. We both know he was sneaking away. Again.
"Thought you'd be in there taking in all the glory," he says, joining me by the railing around the porch. "Loving every second of the attention."
"I am. Just needed some air."
He nods.
"And you?" I try.
"What?"
I bump my shoulder with his. "If you really don't want to talk about it, I won't push. But you can't honestly think we haven't noticed how weird you've been."
"Have I been weird?"
"Yeah."
He shrugs.
I think that's it. He doesn't want to talk about it.
Then he says, "I met someone."
I look at him, and find him already looking at me.
"When me and Nat went to Calgary," he says.
"A guy?"
"Yes."
"Oh."
"Not like that."
"Oh?"
"He, uh. It wasn't... I mean. We went skating the first night. He saw me and said he recognized me. From the 2022 Olympics."
"Okay."
"Apparently he lives in Florida."
I don't know if this is supposed to enlighten me.
"He puts on ice skating shows. Like, Frozen and Alice in Wonderland. That kind of thing," Gus explains.
"Ah."
"He said he was surprised to see I wasn't in Team USA this year."
"He wasn't the only one," I say.
Gus looks at me.
I shrug. "If you really wanted it you could have easily been there with me and Chloe."
"Yeah..."
"Why did you drop the competition?"
"I didn't drop out."
"Not officially."
"Maybe I'm not into it anymore. Maybe I never was," he says.
I frown. "But you love skating."
"But not competing."
"Okay." That's news to me.
"Competing feels like..." He rubs his arm. "Like I'm just playing into what my parents want."
"Okay," I repeat, slowly. "So what? You're going to move to Florida and be on Alice in Wodnerland On Ice?"
He looks at me. My lips part. "Wait, you are."
"No," he says. "I mean, I don't know. I didn't give an answer yet."
"But he offered. This man you met. He offered you a job?"
"Yeah. Said he was a fan," Gus says. "Apparently male ice dancers are way scarcer and his main guy had surgery because of an injury. He'd want me to move before the end of summer. And it'd be Peter Pan, not Alice in Wonderland. But, yeah. He offered me the job. Like. The job. Peter Pan."
"Damn."
"Yeah."
"And you didn't say anything yet?"
"Not yet."
"And he's still waiting for an answer?"
"Yup."
"He must really be a fan then."
Gus shrugs. "I guess."
"Do you want to go?" I ask him.
"I don't know."
I frown. "You don't know?"
"I know I don't want to stay here. I know I don't want to be like you and Chloe. I know I have no other talents or things I like to do. But does that mean I want to go to Florida?"
He looks at me, wide-eyed, looking a little frenzied. Like he genuinely expects me to drop the right answer at his feet.
"Yeah. I guess it is a pretty big change," I say.
He deflates a bit. "Yeah."
"It would be a nice vacation, though."
He frowns. "What?"
"When we go to visit you," I say. "In Florida."
A slow smile takes over his face. "You guys would visit?"
"Are you serious?" I scoff. "Of course. We're all obviously expecting VIP tickets to see you on your opening show as the star."
Gus's smile holds for a second before it falters. "I can't do laundry, though," he says.
"What?"
"I never did my own laundry," he says. "I can't cook. Never cleaned a dish in my life. No idea how to unclog a toilet, or change a light bulb, or plan meals before going grocery shopping."
I finally catch his thread. "You know what else you had no idea how to do?" I ask. "A triple axel. Or a single axel. Or how to stand upright on skates. My point is. You can learn, Gus."
"So you think I should go then?"
"I think you want to go." I look at him. "I think you've looked miserable for a while. It's made you grumpy and irritable and really no fun to be around. And it sucks because we can't do anything to help you."
He bites his lip. "Remember our senior year?"
I arch my eyebrows at him.
"When you and I snuck out to that nightclub," he says.
"Hard to forget."
"I felt so fucking grown up that night. Like sneaking out without our parents knowing to get drunk and dance with strangers was peak adulthood. And then that creepy guy hit on me and I was flattered as fuck. After a summer of watching you and Mack take your pick of Malibu's male population I thought it was finally my turn. And then it all came crashing down so fast in that parking lot."
I don't say anything. I'm sure he has a point if I just let him get to it.
"I was fucking terrified when I watched him hit you," Gus says. "When I saw you curled up on the ground. I felt like a stupid kid again. I thought about running if that guy came for me next. Like, actually leaving you there."
"You didn't, though."
"Because he left."
I don't say anything to that.
"I did leave you, though. With Eli Blake. As soon as he told me to go I did," he says.
"I get why you were scared," I tell him.
Gus looks at me.
"Your parents are not my parents," I murmur.
He looks down. "Still."
"Does it help if I say I forgive you?"
"I didn't actually apologize."
"Okay."
Gus looks up at me again. "I am sorry."
I smile. "I forgive you."
"Really?"
"It's been years, Gus. We were kids. We were both stupid. I just got stupid face first."
"I felt so fucking clever and grown up at first, though. And that feeling in the parking lot, when it all came crashing down. What if that's Florida? What if I move to get this amazing career in ice dancing, think I'm so fucking grown up to be living on my own, and then something happens to put me in my place? And this time I'm alone in the parking lot." He bites his lip. "Or, well. Florida."
"That could happen, Gus."
He looks at me like that's not the answer he wanted.
"It could. You can't predict the future. No one can," I say. "And change is scary as fuck. But what's your alternative if you stay home?"
"I keep skating competitively. I become someone's coach and train them to maybe go to the Olympics one day. I'm lonely all my life wondering if I could have had a better one."
"Doesn't sound like you still think it's a very enticing option."
"What if I go to Florida, I suck, everything sucks, and I still have to come home for this shitty version of my life knowing I did try and failed?"
I roll my eyes. "You're talking like Florida is the only alternative life you can have. Look at Mack. She's doing fucking real estate."
"I don't like real estate."
"Your parents are rich. There are a ton of other jobs you could do without qualifications."
He frowns. "But I want to do something I'm good at. Something I like."
I smile at him. He catches on and rolls his eyes.
"Right. And that's in Florida," he huffs. "I know, okay? I'm just not like you. I'm not a powerhouse of ambition. I don't decide what I want when I walk in the room and have it."
I sigh. "You'd be surprised, Gus."
When he gives me a quizzical look, I say, "You're not the scared, jittery kid you were in high school. And I'm not so cocky anymore either."
"You sure hide it well."
"Yeah, I do."
Gus narrows his eyes at me. "What could possibly have shaken Liam Astor's self-confidence?"
I bit my lip. "Rejection."
Gus snorts. "You've never been rejected a day in your life."
"If you say so."
"Who would reject you?" He sounds a little affronted.
"The only person I wanted not to," I say.
Gus looks skeptic for a moment. "So you've been rejected once. I've seen you work magic with a single smile. You could find someone else."
"I don't really want anyone else, Gus. Not at the moment."
He frowns, eyes pinned on me. I look away.
"You're serious," he muses.
I'm not sure if his tone is because this breaks some kind of illusion he had about who I am or because he can't believe he hadn't noticed.
"It's complicated," I say. "It wasn't open rejection. More like the silent kind."
He looks confused. "You were ghosted?"
"Not really. More like... My feelings aren't matched. Not completely."
"But you're still hung up on whoever this is."
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"Because I'm much more pathetic than you probably thought."
Gus looks thoughtful for a while. "Sounds like you're maybe living in a comfortable miserable pattern of your own," he eventually says.
"What?"
"That's something Eli said to me when we were in Calgary," he says. "That people people don't leave patterns that make them miserable because it's scarier to change than to live unhappy forever. Because that's familiar, so it feels safer."
"Eli said that?"
"Yeah. I was a little surprised too. Apparently he's in therapy. And talking to him about this actually helped. I thought... Well, I thought maybe I could check it out too. Therapy."
I force myself to stay focused on this conversation after Gus's revelation. "Mh. Right. Yeah." I smile. "That's actually, uh. It sounds like a great idea, Gus."
"You think?"
"I know it seems to be helping Eli."
"Yeah. Maybe I will." He looks between me and the door to the house. "I was actually trying to sneak out when you stopped me. And, uh. If you don't mind..."
I smile. "Go."
He smiles back. "Thanks. And, uh... Also, thanks for the talk."
"Of course."
When he leaves, his words stay with me.
It's scarier to change than to live unhappy forever. It reminds of what my mom told me about the threat of staying the same being bigger than the threat of changing.
Eli is scared. He's scared of what being with me means. For him. For his career. For his life. And he's been telling himself for so many years that he can't be himself out in the open. He's taught himself to hide for so long.
This, mostly, is what keeps me hopeful. Because I know he is miserable. And I know when he's with me he's the most carefree and uninhibited I ever see him. And I wish he could feel safe to be like that all the time. And I hate that I can't do it for him. Tell him I know everything will be fine and mean it.
When my phone vibrates, I try no to be too hopeful.
A smile splits my face open when I see Eli's name on the screen, though.
"Hey."
"Hey. Saw you on TV," he says. "Wasn't sure if you'd already be home."
"I am." Fuck, it feels good to hear his voice.
"You were amazing. Seriously. Incredible." His voice is quiet, but there's a smile there.
My heart swells. "Thanks."
"I wish I could be with you right now."
"Really?"
"Yeah." Then, more lightly, he adds, "I'm guessing I'd probably have to wait my turn though. Bet everyone wants a piece of the new Olympic medalist."
"Yeah." I laugh weakly. "You'd have to get in line." There's no point telling him that I would always let him have all the pieces of me he wants.
I hear a far-away voice from his side of the line, and then his voice replies, sounding muffled like he put the speaker against his chest. I expect him to tell me he needs to go and brace for the goodbye.
"Okay, okay, geez," I hear him. "Hey. Dean's here so I'm putting you on speaker."
"Oh."
"Hey, Liam," Dean yells into the phone. "Congratulations. You two were awesome."
"Hey, Dean. Thanks," I say. "Are you two home?"
"Yup. We watched the Olympics together," Dean says. "Eli rewinded your appearances like seven times. He kept trying to tell me the name of the moves and stuff."
I can't stop grinning. The mental image of Eli rewinding to see me again and again makes my heart do a dangerous series of unsupervised tricks. But fuck, I don't care.
"Yeah, well. Anyway," Eli says.
"He's going red," Dean says.
I laugh.
"Okay, that's enough," I hear Eli say before there's the sound of moving and then a door shutting.
"Is he gone?" I ask.
"Yeah. I'm in my bedroom now."
"So."
"So."
I laugh.
"You really were awesome."
I smile.
"I miss you."
"I miss you too." And I love you.