Crack In The Ice - Chapter 42: Chapter 42

I wake up to a sleeping Eli lying on his stomach, one arm around his pillow and the sheets pooling around his waist.
We didn't talk much after, last night. Didn't even shower. We just laid in silence until we eventually dosed off.
It's strange to think, after so many years of stealing moments together, how rare a sight this is for me. Eli asleep in bed next to me. A part of me still feels like any sudden movements will spook him away. We always did have a way to act like words spoken into the night never happened, once morning came.
He looks so peaceful. Worry-free. Muscled back rising softly as he breathes. I raise a hand to brush a short lock of light brown hair away from his face, then let my fingers slide up through his hair. I know he still wears the beanie, but not last night. Probably not a team-sanctioned accessory for addressing the press.
When Eli stirs, I still my hand. One of his eyes flutters halfway open.
"Don't stop," he mumbles raucously.
Smiling, I continue running my fingers through his hair. He closes his eyes again, re-adjusting his position slightly.
"My mom used to do that."
I hesitate for a moment. "What?"
"My mom used to touch my hair like that. To make me fall asleep," he speaks sleepily, eyes still closed. "Didn't like people touching my hair after she died. But feels nice when you do it."
I'm a little speechless.
Gingerly, I continue moving my fingers through his hair. I spent so much time learning how to navigate Eli's moods. The ways he'd shut down or pull out at the mention of different aspects of his traumatic past.
It's a little disarming now. To see him so relaxed. Sharing something so personal. His defenses completely down.
It makes a cozy, warm feeling nestle down in my stomach.
After a while, I realize he's fallen asleep again. Slowly, I remove my hand and get out of bed.
I take a quick shower, afraid the sound of the water running for too long might wake him up. The room is a double, and this is the kind of nice hotel that puts up clean towel sets every day, so I take one of them and wrap it around my waist before leaving the bathroom.
Eli is still asleep and I look at him for a while.
A knock on the door startles me.
I freeze, staring at it. Then comes a second knock, and I realize whoever is on the other side is knocking too softly. Cautiously almost.
So I walk over and look out the peephole to see Dean standing in the hallway, seemingly alone.
He looks surprised when I open, but then his shoulders seem to drop with relief.
"Liam. Is Eli in there?"
"Yeah," I whisper.
"Is he- Are you both okay?" He asks slowly.
"We're..." I shrug. "He's sleeping."
Dean nods. "Well," he whispers. "Eli wasn't answering his phone. We were worried. But if you're fine..."
I nod.
"There's, uh..." He scratches his neck. "We're supposed to be on a plane this afternoon. Back to Calgary. We have another game tomorrow. Is, uh... Do you think Eli is gonna be there?"
"I don't know," I say honestly.
"Okay," Dean says. "Could you maybe ask him to call Owen? When he's ready." Then hastily he adds, "Please. If you promise you can do that then I'll cover for him. As well as I can, I guess."
"I can do that."
He nods again. "Thanks."
I nod back.
"Bye then," he says.
"Bye."
When I check on him after closing the door, Eli is still asleep. It occurs to me I wouldn't know whether he's a light or heavy sleeper, when we don't really sleep together like that. But something hopeful stirs inside me at the thought that maybe now I get to find out things like that about him.
Climbing back on the bed, I lean over him and drop a single kiss on his shoulder. He takes in a slightly deeper breath that comes out like a small sigh, so I do it again. Softly, I kiss down his shoulder then up over the dent of his spine and up to the back of his neck.
Eli moves a little. "You're wet," he mumbles.
"Just my hair," I say.
He blinks sleepily, trying to look at me. "You showered?"
"Mhm." I lay down next to him on my side, upper body propped up on my arm. "I need clothes. You wouldn't have anything clean I can borrow?"
Eli rubs his face with one hand and rolls over to sit up. "In my bag. A pair of sweats, I think. And a t-shirt."
I get up to go over to his bag while he showers. I end up taking his last clear pair of underwear and his clean t-shirt. When he comes out of the bathroom, Eli puts on the pair of sweatpants from his bag. And nothing else.
He comes to sit next to me on his bed.
"Dean knocked," I say.
"Yeah?"
"He wanted to see if you were okay," I tell him. "Because you weren't answering your phone."
Eli's eyes stay trained on me. "What did you say?"
"That you were sleeping."
He looks down at his hand splayed over the sheets.
"He asked me to tell you to call Owen. When you're ready."
Eli nods. "I will."
"He also mentioned a plane."
Eli presses his lips together.
"He said you're supposed to go back to Calgary today."
He looks up now. "You promised me twenty-four hours."
"I did," I say. "But you have a contract, Eli. Won't you get in trouble if you're not there?"
"I don't know." He shrugs. "Maybe. I might already be in trouble for kissing you in a room full of sports reporters."
I frown.
"What?" He asks, a little jerkily.
"Why did you do that?" I ask. "Like, what the actual fuck possessed you to kiss me in front of all those people?"
"I panicked." He shrugs. "The plan was to ask you to wait for me. Then go somewhere private where we could talk. Tell you how I felt and hope you still wanted me. Then we could figure the rest out. Privately and strategically."
I nod slowly, biting down on the inside of my cheek.
He swallows, looking at me. "But you told me you couldn't stay. And I panicked. When I saw you turn to leave I thought if I let you do that I might never see you again."
I sigh. "You know that's not true."
We both know I would always keep coming back. Right?
"Yeah, maybe," he says. "But. I didn't want you to leave without hearing what I had to say."
"And what was that exactly?"
"I don't even know anymore. But I already told you the main parts."
Despite the situation, I feel myself bite down on a smile. "That you love me."
He bites his lip. "I love you."
"And you want to be with me."
He smiles. "I want to be with you."
I give into my own smile, which stretches into a grin before I can prevent it.
"Can I-" I sigh, letting the grin fade. "Is it okay if I ask how you went from 'I can't give you what you want' to 'let's be together'?"
He sniffs, glancing down again. "It wasn't overnight. I just... I needed time." He looks at an indistinct point over my shoulder. "But also I could tell I was running out of time. And Owen wasn't at all subtle about how much he thought I was fucking up my life. And he said some shit that made me realize that lately I've been as scared of losing you as I've been of hurting my career."
He looks at me. "Before you and I started... you know, this." He gestures vaguely between us. "I knew exactly what my life was going to be. And then you kind of fucked that up."
I bite back a smile. "Sorry."
He snorts. "You're forgiven."
He looks down, running his hand over the sheet like he's smoothing over an invisible crease. "Last time we talked," he says, looking at me, "you said I'm always the first person you want to talk to." He gives me a one-shouldered shrug. "You're always the first person I want to talk to too. I can't get you out of my head either. I feel like shit when we're not talking. Or when I think I fucked it up and you won't ever want to see me again.
"I was stuck in all this shit I taught myself to believe. And it took me a while to realize that..." His throat moves. My eyes follow the movement. Then he speaks evenly, "The thought of losing you made me as miserable and scared as I used to be when I thought I might never get out of Brunson."
My chest constricts. I know this is a lot for Eli to say. I know trusting and being vulnerable doesn't come easy to him, especially since his parents died. Sometimes I wish I had met the more carefree, younger version of Eli.
But my version is the one I met, and the one I fell in love with. Reservations and hurts too. And seeing him make the effort to open up to me makes me realize that I'm scared too.
Eli must see that in my face. Or at least he must see something. Because he says, "You're thinking."
It's not a question.
I nod.
"Is it something I said?" He asks.
I shake my head, and smile feebly. "I just..." I clear my throat. "I kinda wish I hadn't tried to leave now. The kiss..."
"I don't regret it," he says it when I leave that thought unfinished.
I look at him, searching his face. Trying to spot the lie. But I always struggled to read him. When us is concerned, at least.
"You say that now," I say. "And I believe you. But what about when you turn your phone back on?"
He shrugs.
"I just... Maybe it's unfair. But I'm afraid you'll resent me. If there are consequences. And then you'll... You'll start to hate me," I say.
He frowns. "I won't."
"You said that before. And the next morning when I woke up you were gone." I swallow around a tight throat. "And you didn't talk to me for weeks. And that felt like shit."
I can see hurt in his eyes, but also something like shame.
"I was scared," he says. "I was trying to... run away, I guess. I know I... I know I have a lot to learn about, like, talking about my feelings. And trusting more. That's why I tried to plan this. But I don't regret the way it happened. Because you were leaving. And I couldn't let you do that before you heard me say it."
He takes deep breath through his nose, before letting it out through his mouth. "I get that I haven't handled this well at all. I've been a dick to you. Again. But I promise I'm trying. And if it's not enough yet I can keep trying. And I promise I'll always to try to talk. To you. If you're willing to give it a shot."
I bite down on my cheek until it hurts so much my eyes start to water.
"I don't think it's fair to put all the blame on you," I say. "We've both handled this really badly over the years. The truth is I haven't been fully honest with you either. Maybe if I'd been clear about my feelings earlier we wouldn't have gotten so deep in this shit. Because I've been in love with you since that first year, Eli"
His eyebrows draw together.
My smile is rueful. "I just didn't think there was any point telling you because you were leaving and I thought I needed to move on." I shrug. "And I tried. Honestly. But then you were back in my life and the feelings were all still there. So I wanted to keep you in my life. And I was scared that if I told you how I felt you'd get scared and leave me again. So I made myself keep seeing you without saying it. And I don't think that was smart. Or fair. To either of us."
Eli bites back on his lip. "I think I've been in love with you for a while too," he says. "I just. I was too scared to, like, acknowledge it. Definitely too scared to say it. Like, if I kept telling myself it was mostly physical it was okay that we were keeping it a secret. But it hasn't been just physical for me in a really long time, Liam."
My eyes sting a little and there's no mistaking the flutter in my chest. But I can't lose track of the conversation.
"What will you do," I clear my throat, "if you get in trouble with the team?"
Eli sighs. Then shrugs. "Go be a hockey coach to some junior league? Or maybe college if they don't want the gay guy near kids. Or go back to Brunson to do the jobs I never wanted. I don't know. I didn't actually make a plan B. Too fucking scared."
I nod.
Eli looks at me. "Honestly I think if it goes to shit I might need a break first. Make sure I don't... go into an episode."
I nod again.
"But that's why I wanted twenty-four hours," he says. "I don't to think about it now. If it's meant to be fine, then a day won't matter. And it it goes to shit, I need some calm before the storm."
"Cooped up in a hotel room with me?"
Eli tries a smile. "It's a five-star hotel."
"I noticed." I hum. "They're treating you well."
He shrugs. "Playoffs."
"And what do you think we should do for the rest of the day?" I muse. "If there's no phones allowed."
He bites his lip through a smile and reaches an arm out to wrap around me. I don't move as he leans over to kiss me.
And that's all the talking we do for now.
We spend the next few hours kissing languidly on the bed, after ordering something to eat from room service. We dose off briefly a few times. But we don't have sex again. There's some indulgent touching, and once we get each other half-ready, but it all stays innocent until the sky goes darker outside the still-closed curtains.
"So," I say as the evening closes in on us. "Are our twenty-four hours up?"
Eli groans, and I feel his naked chest vibrate under my skin.
"You should call Owen," I tell him. "I think your friends were worried."
He sighs. "Yeah."
I move off him so he can reach into the nightstand drawer for his phone. When he turns it on, there's a few seconds of anxious quiet before the stream of notification comes in.
"Is it bad?" I ask.
Eli shrugs. I catch a glimpse of the contact ID with the most missed calls just before he presses the trash can icon, to get rid of all the notifications.
"Who's Zoey?" The name is familiar, but I can't place it.
"My agent," he says. "She must be pissed."
Eli calls Owen, but instead of bringing the phone to his ear he puts it on speaker. I don't question it.
"Nice of you to finally call," Owen's deep voice comes through after only a couple of rings. He doesn't sound angry, though.
"Hey," Eli says. "Sorry. Had my phone off."
"I figured. Is Liam with you?"
"He is. You're on speaker."
There's a pause.
"Hey, Liam."
"Hey," I say.
"We drove your car back home after Dean left with the rest of the team. Nat still had the keys," he says. "I also spent half my first salary on a room for me and Olie."
"Sorry," Eli mumbles.
"It's fine. Are you two okay?"
"Yeah," Eli says.
"Have you heard from the team or your agency?"
"You're the first one I called."
"Okay. You should start calling the people who have money on you, though."
Eli sighs. "I know."
"You're supposed to play the Kraken in Calgary in less than twenty-four hours. Do you have a plan to get there?"
"Don't even know if they want me there," Eli admits. "But I'll check flights after I hang up and then call Zoey."
"That's good," Owen says. "You'll need to give her a game plan to appease her."
I watch Eli gulp. He's starting to look tense again. I have a momentary urge to take the phone off his hands, hang up, and kiss the tension off his shoulders.
"Have you been on social media?"
"No." Eli bites his lip. "Is it bad?"
"Look. What happened was a little insane and not at all what we talked about. But I'm not going to question you." He's quiet for a second. "I just need to know that you're definitely okay."
Eli looks at me. "I am."
"And you'll call if that changes?"
"I will."
"Okay. Then you should go do some damage control now."
"Yeah."
When the call ends, Eli uses his phone to google flights. After turning off all notifications.
"Shit," he hisses after a while. "There are no flights that'll get me there in time."
"I have a jet," I offer. "Back home."
Eli looks at me.
"Well. Technically. My dad has a jet," I ammend. "But we could fly you to Calgary."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Eli looks at me for a moment. I let myself sit there under his gaze.
"Come with me," he blurts.
"What?"
"I get it if you can't. I'm not expecting you to drop your life. I just thought. Maybe PR will want to talk to you or something. And we haven't really discussed everything we'll probably need to figure out. And also. It would be nice to have you there."
I smile. "Okay."
"Yeah?" He smiles, a little surprised.
"Yeah." I scramble ungraciously to get to him and kiss him. "We can talk some more on the flight. Before you see anyone."
We smile at each other like idiots for a while. I'm the one who eventually breaks the moment.
"We just need to get home first."
My mom would totally kill me if I asked her to drive five hours to pick us up in Seattle and five hours back again. Right?
Lord knows Helga's bug wouldn't survive the journey.
"I can call Elliott," Eli says.
I nod, and he stands to call his brother. When he hangs up, he says Elliott will come to get us. I don't raise questions, but I'm a little surprised. If Elliott leaves now, he'll spend the night on the road with us.
I call my dad to ask him for the small, no-biggie favor of taking his jet to Calgary, Canada. He says yes. Then Eli calls his agent to tell her he'll be in Calgary by tomorrow morning, in a surprisingly short call, in which I can faintly hear a female voice utter single-syllable words in reply to Eli's slightly awkward descriptions of our plans.
When he hangs up, Eli's no longer the relaxed, care-free specimen I had the privilege to enjoy during the past twenty-four hours. But he doesn't pull away from my touch, and melts into me when I kiss him. He accepts my help to pack his stuff. I put on my jeans from last night over the clothes I borrowed from Eli, and he puts his dress shirt back on over the sweatpants.
In the hotel lobby, after Eli sorts the extra expenses with the staff, I try to hold his hand without thinking. But this time he actually lets me.