Dear Ex-Girlfriend (Lesbian, Girlxg... - Chapter 22: Chapter 22

"I," was the word that separated "me" from "you," the "me" from "we."
I was confused.
There were so many things I needed to know about her, about the world, but I didn't. That was the funny and sad thing about being a teenager I guess. People expected more from us. They shouldn't.
We barely even knew ourselves, so hoorah for everyone who had it all figured out. Not me.
Everyone rushed out of the classroom when the bell rang. Lunchtime. One of the most anticipated moments of the day whether belonging to the crowd of dweebs, cools, or in my case, blind.
"Ouch!" a junior exclaimed. Her following glare was enough to set me on fire. Couldn't blame her. I did step on her big toe. She couldn't blame me either. I'd been saying excuse me for the past ten seconds, but she wasn't about to move. I had to do something about it.
"Sorry," I mumbled.
She might have said something awful under her breath, causing her friends to laugh, but I was too busy getting away. My usual m.o for the past few days.
Another clique was spotted ten meters ahead. Standing tall, self-assured, most of them had pocketbooks on their arms, probably discussing about the latest fictional boys they've read about. One of them happened to turn my way. "Destiny!"
I pretended not to hear her and took a look back. Not good. I couldn't go back. I was running away from there.
Having no other choice, I hunched my shoulders, dipped my head low, and stared at my feet while I brisk walked on the hallway. Crossing my fingers that she was too busy to pursue this. Fingers failed.
Ester grabbed me. "Destiny! I've been calling you." She sounded out of breath. Ester must have run away from her friends. The sane ones.
"Yes, well, I didn't hear you." I hastened my steps, but she also hastened hers. Not a problem at all.
Yesterday, we had the same situation going for us, but one of the teachers intervened by talking to her about something. Maybe that would happen today too. Ester was a busy girl.
"Why are you avoiding me?" she grumbled.
Yep. She was still in hot pursuit. But any second now. Any moment, a classmate or teacher would appear. Crossing my fingers again.
"Destiny Jones, what is the matter with you?!" She stepped in front of me so I couldn't slip away. My forehead bumped on her forehead.
"Nothing's the matter with me!" I griped. "What's the matter with you?!" My forehead was getting sore fast. I concentrated on that so I wouldn't have to look at Ester face. She'd be so disappointed. I had enough people being disappointed in me. "Can I just? Can you just?!" I flailed my arms to get the point across. Sometimes words could fail you.
"No," she said. "We have to talk this through. I'm tired of not knowing what's happening to my closest friends and my brother. You've all been keeping secrets from me!"
Mayday! Mayday! A missile hit its mark.
I almost crumpled dead in front of Ester, but I managed to keep a smooth face for the sake of it. Placing both hands on her shoulders, I said, "Things are going great, Es. You have nothing to worry about."
"Destiny!" Spencer called. His voice echoed on the half-filled hallway. He must have successfully completed my trap. The deliberate dumping of my things on the floor before escaping the classroom, knowing that he'd pick them up and place them on my desk before leaving.
"Shit!" I muttered, then looked at Ester. "Listen, it's nice that we had this talk, but I really need to go. The nurse is supposed to meet me."
"The nurse?" She cocked an eyebrow.
"Yup." I released her shoulders. "I'm having issues. Catch you later."
I sprinted before she could do anything. Spencer's yells followed my footsteps. On the end of the hallway where the intersection for the other corridors met, I caught someone else standing there, watching me. My heart bled as I avoided her eyes and turned left. Genesis' face was still embedded in my mind long after I've reached my destination.
Woody and I met on the third-floor fire exit. No one was allowed there, but sometimes the door was left open and students would sneak out to get some air. They shouldn't even lock it in the first place. What if there was a real fire?
"So?" Woody said, sitting on the stairs. "Why did you want to meet again?"
I leaned on the rail and stared ahead. The red-brown leaves scattered all over the school grounds were immaculate. They made me want to go to the Ruins. But I haven't been there in a while. Not when I had to pass the edge of the forest first, and that was giving me nightmares.
"I wanted to continue our conversation," I said. My voice sounded flat to my ears. How could Woody stand to talk to me? "Is. . . Is it okay though? Top and Shorty might suspect something."
Woody folded the sleeves of her flannel and nodded. "It's perfectly fine. But are you?" Her head tilted to me. "Fine, I mean?"
A woosh of air passed my lips as I glanced downwards to her. She was sitting on one of the lower steps, looking up to me. I was grateful and ashamed for having her here, but I had no one else to talk to.
"I'm fine," I lied.
"You don't look it."
"I'm fine!"
"Okay." She raised both hands in a conciliatory gesture. "I get it. So what brought us here?"
I took another deep breath before gazing at the school grounds again. The view out there was so much better.
"What do you think about girls liking girls?"
"It's cute."
"No, I mean. . ."
"You mean lesbians?" she asked.
My fingers were numb as I nodded.
"Why are you asking this?"
"Just cause."
"And do you think I'm the right one to answer it?" she said.
My eyes met hers. "You're the closest thing I have to a friend right now. I'll take whatever you can give."
Woody sighed and hugged her knees. Of the trio in the wood club, she was the one I could tell these things to without being judged. Top would probably be a good listener as well, but Shorty was always around her. I didn't want Shorty involved.
"You're a strange kid, Destiny Jones."
"Why do people always say my complete name?" I asked.
"Because it's pretty. Like you." Her eyes twinkled when she smiled.
One of the things I liked about Woody was her sincerity. Shorty might have teased her for always holding back, but when she didn't, Woody was real. I needed real right now. That was why we were here.
"What I think about lesbians doesn't matter," Woody continued. "What you think is the one that counts."
"But I don't really understand th—"
"Are you lesbian, Destiny?"
My fingers tightened around the rail. "I. . ."
"You don't know," she said.
"I don't know a lot of things." My throat was sore as I swallowed. Suddenly, the reddish leaves didn't look immaculate anymore. They were like blood, pooling on the ground. I felt strangled. "Help me," I murmured. "I don't know what to do."
Woody shook her head sadly. "I can't help you. I'm sorry."
She was being real again. I wish she wasn't. Maybe this time I needed a lie.
"I can't tell you what you are," she went on. "None of us can. That's your job."
A folded piece of paper was slipped on my notebook by the end of lunch. The handwriting was cursive and looked elegant enough to be sent to the Queen of England. The message made me slump on my seat.
'Meet-up at the creek exactly an hour after school. I've made the necessary arrangements so all of us can go. The coach and our parents are informed. There's no excuse. Do not test me.' – Ester.
To my left, Spencer was holding a similar-looking piece of paper. Without scrutinizing it, I knew what message it brought. Both of our groans were drowned by the arrival of our classmates.
I've said from the very beginning that there were no falls in Bear Creek Falls, and there were definitely no bears. But I left something out. There was a creek. A big pool that was warm even in fall season. The last time we went was years ago.
I was glad that the creek was situated on the other side of the woods, or I wouldn't go at all. Ester also had to thank her lucky stars that she was too smart for her own good. The four of us wouldn't have met there otherwise.
"What's this for, sis?" Spencer asked. His gym bag was dumped on the grass beside him. They were already there when I arrived, including Genesis. None of us made eye contact.
Ester had also brought a bag of her own. In fact, all of us did. She smiled upon seeing our backpacks and duffels, and crossed her arms. "I'm glad you got my supplementary text about the clothes. If none of you are wearing bathing suits under your outfit, there's more than one bush where you can hide and change." She nudged her head on the trees. "Any takers?"
Since no one remarked on it, Ester clapped her hands. "Well done. Please follow me to the water."
Big boulders surrounded the pool of water itself, most of them slippery. I balanced myself while going down, but one of the rocks made me slide.
"I got you!" Spencer's grip was nice and firm on my arm. I jerked backward and collided with Genesis.
"What's going on?" she said.
"Nothing," Spencer explained. "She almost fell and. . ."
"You grabbed me!" I accused.
"Yes, because you were about to fall over!" His voice was higher than he must have wanted. His face was reddening. "I'm sorry," he blurted.
Genesis stepped forward. "Stay away from her."
Spencer was bewildered as he stared at me. "I didn't mean it. Destiny, I've been trying to talk to you."
I covered my ears. "I don't want to hear your explanations."
"She doesn't want that," Genesis added.
"How do you know what I want?!" I panicked.
"Because we—"
A shrill whistle blew, ending the chaos that was our group. Ester returned by our side, whistle in hand, lips pursed as she gazed at us one by one. "I said to follow me in the water, didn't I? That means you will follow me to the water right now, or I will call our parents and force you to tell them what's wrong. Do I make myself clear?"
"Who died and made you boss?!" Spencer complained.
Ester stared at him from head to foot. "I know what you made them do to Kyle, stupid. I have more where that came from, and I won't hesitate to tell them all to the coach to get you off the team." She went to Spencer and pinched his ear.
"Ow! Ow!"
"Come here!" she said. "And both of you!" Ester glared at me and Genesis. "Follow us."
What Ester wanted, Ester got. And so after a few minutes, all of us were submerged waist-deep in the creek, too warm for our own good. No one else was there but us. Ester seemed satisfied by this fact, but not at seeing me with a sweater on.
"Why didn't you wear your bathing suit?" she asked.
I shivered despite the warm water and hugged myself. "No thank you."
"Some of us don't want to expose ourselves," Genesis remarked.
"Some of us didn't mean it!" Spencer exclaimed.
Ester held up a hand and breathed in. "This is why we're here," she said. "To have a conflict resolution."
I turned around immediately. "Okay. I'm done."
"Where do you think you're going?!"
"I don't want this," I mumbled. "I'm going home."
Conflict resolution wasn't what I needed. What I needed was my bed, a hot shower, and earsplitting music to crack my skull. Because conflict resolution made you go back in the past. I wasn't looking forward to it, pun intended. I didn't want to remember anything that happened within the last seven days. Case closed.
"Do you hate me that much?"
It was nothing but a whisper, a mumble, yet it made me stop.
"Are you so disgusted with what I am?"
Genesis' voice had cracked at the end of the question, and like the stupid oaf I was, I twisted to look at her for the first time in days. Her contacts were gone.
Before I could mumble something incoherent, Ester had regained composure and was beckoning me with a hand. "Come back, Des. We need to sort this out. Now."
"What's there to fix, Es?"
"Everything." Her smile was sad, and I could imagine that everyone was doing the same. "Everything, or we'll lose each other."
After a few moments of collecting ourselves, the four of us had made it to the deeper area of the creek, right in the middle. Ester showed us a coin. It was an ordinary everyday coin, but the way she was holding it, you'd think that it was magic. Maybe it was.
"We're playing a game," she said. "The game is called, I."
"Never heard of it," Spencer said. A part of his chest glistened above the water. I did everything not to look at it, but my eyes would often flit back.
I dipped my head in the water for a few seconds, trying not to think of his arms around me. Of his chest pressing on mine. Of the other parts of him. My lungs were burning as I resurfaced above water.
"Are you alright?" Ester said.
"Yes," I mumbled. "Go on with the game."
Concern crossed her face, but she continued. "As I was saying, the game is called I. Basically, I'll toss the coin in the water when you're not looking, the three of you will scramble to get it, and whoever wins the round gets to make an I-statement."
"Why go through all the trouble?" Spencer asked.
"Because you need to explain yourselves without shouting at each other," Ester replied. "Because if you don't then our friendship is over, and I'm not going to stand by while my best friends wreck their lives for something I don't understand myself." Her smile was wide. "I'm frustrated right now."
"You don't look like it," I said.
"You don't look like you're dying either, but your dad told me you've been crying at night." Her smile was gone. "Do it for yourself, Des. Some problems don't fix itself. You have to move."
Genesis, Spencer, and I were silent as Ester swam farther away. The only time she looked back was when she was more than a few feet from us. She circled her hand to make us turn around.
"On my count," she yelled. "One, two, dive!"
At first, I didn't want to do it. The whole thing felt pointless. But looking at Spencer's determined face, and seeing Genesis plunge her head, I kicked my legs into gear.
"Got it!" Spencer said after a minute. The coin was held in his fist, a triumphant smile on his face. I panted as I swam closer to them. He had a lucky break.
"What's your I-statement?" Ester said. "You have three sentences to complete your turn."
Spencer answered immediately. "I am not the person you think I am. I made the mistake of being friends with the wrong person. I ate something that I wasn't supposed to eat."
"I don't believe this," Genesis muttered.
"It's not your turn yet," Ester reminded. Her eyes were firm as she glanced at me and Gene. "We've all done some mistakes. We've all been friends with the wrong people."
"Correct!" Spencer said.
"Shut up." Ester took the coin from Spencer and circled her hand like the first time. The three of us turned around. "On my mark. One. . . Two. . . Dive!"
I did everything to get the coin, even if I had to push Spencer out of the way. I knew it was cheating, and Ester wouldn't agree, but I had to say my piece.
"I got it!" I gasped. "I got the coin!" Even before Ester asked what my statement was, I was already babbling like an idiot. "I'm so confused. I don't know what's happening to us anymore. I don't even know myself. I feel like it's been one big mess. But I—"
"That's enough," Ester cut off.
"I'm not finished!"
"You've said four statements."
"I'm not finished yet. I have so much to say."
There was the issue about Spencer. There was the issue about drugs. But more than that, there was the issue about Genesis. I wasn't disgusted with her. Maybe I lied. Maybe I needed time and she had to give me that. Maybe I had to figure myself before figuring her out. Maybe "I" needed to happen before I could focus on "us." Maybe "I" before "her." Maybe "me" before "we." But Ester was having none of it, so I had to press my lips and wait for another turn.
The third round was won by Genesis. It was her chance to say things.
"Your I-statement please," Ester said.
Gene gave me a long, thoughtful look before opening her mouth. I was shivering, hugging myself, wondering what she had to say, but at the same time wanting her to get it over with so I could explain again.
"I thought I was never coming back to Bear Creek," she started. "It was so hard because I fell in love with someone I couldn't have."
"Gene. . ."
"Let her finish," Ester warned.
Genesis took a deep breath and smiled. A smile that was only for me. "And so. . . I decided to drop my feelings for that person, and after all these years, I'm finally moving on."