DELICATE ★ JENLISA - Chapter 30: Chapter 30

I'd had a countless number of lows in my lifetime, but I could only remember one instance where my mental state had been this bad. The time period after Chahee left my life had been unbearable, and I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't thought, at least once, how much easier it would have been to just give up. I had been depressed and I had no one in my life, not to mention I was dealing with Bianca since Chahee was no longer around to protect me.
This was a new low. I had three deaths constantly hanging over my shoulder, I couldn't find my sister, and all things Charles were looming over my head like a giant leech, sucking away any of the happiness that I still had left. The difference between now and then was that I wasn't depressed because of him. I knew the feeling and this wasn't it. I was just completely and utterly done and I really couldn't do it anymore.
A couple of days had passed since the preliminary hearing. I didn't want to talk to Lisa about what had happened in the bedroom, which resulted in me not talking to her at all. I could tell that she desperately wanted my attention but I just wasn't ready to face her.
Truthfully, I was embarrassed. I had opened up to her but I hadn't shown her the darkest parts of my mind, and for Charles to surface while we were in bed together was embarrassing, not to mention infuriating. He had taken everything from me, most importantly the mental stability that I had worked hard to regain, and now he had somehow managed to take away sex with the only woman that I had ever actually wanted. The women that I'd slept with before served one purpose only, and that was to release my pent up frustration. Now, because of Lisa, things were different, but I couldn't even embrace it because I saw and felt Charles when she touched me. I had a feeling I knew what Lisa had done differently to trigger my bad memories, but I didn't want to go into specifics with her about Charles, and I couldn't explain to her what had happened without doing so.
But I knew she had a desire to talk to me about it and I obviously couldn't ignore her forever.
That week was excruciatingly long, and I had the reporters covering my case to thank. It started with just one or two people looking at me for a little longer than usual and then going on their way. Soon enough, the entire school knew that I was involved in a child abuse case. I could feel pity radiating out of almost everyone that passed me, including my teachers, and when I got it from Jisoo and Cara too, I knew that I needed Lisa back. We had exchanged a few words on Thursday but it was nothing more than her asking me how I was doing. I needed more than that. She was now the only one who looked at me like I wasn't damaged, which was why I was so worried about what had happened in the bedroom because I had a good feeling that that was about to change.
Her class on Friday passed slowly but similarly, with her catching my eye every chance she got. I knew that she didn't want to push me to talk but at the same time, I knew that she wished she could without upsetting me. When the bell rang, Jisoo tossed me a sympathetic, sad smile and walked out the door towards the cafeteria, knowing I didn't want to join her. It had been that way since Monday.
When all of my classmates had left and Lisa realized that I was, in fact, staying, she stood up and hesitantly walked towards me. She slid into the seat next to me, catching my eyes and holding them. I spoke, "Hey."
She let out a breath of air and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, hey, it's been a week, how's life treating you?" she asked sarcastically.
"No complaints," I muttered. She had to know who she was talking to. I relied on sarcasm.
She sighed, her face falling. "What are we doing...?" She trailed off. "Jen, I wish you would just talk to me. You don't have to do this on your own."
I met her eyes. "That's the thing Lisa. I don't know if you get this, but I don't want to talk. It's.. h-hard," I whispered, my voice shaking. "What happened on Sunday embarrasses me and angers me and it's not something I want to talk about at all--"
She stopped me, leaning forward and placing her hand on my knee hesitantly. "Then we won't. 'You don't have to be alone' does not mean you have to tell me what's going on inside there," she said, nodding towards my head. "I would never, ever make you talk to me about something that makes you this uncomfortable." Lisa paused, grunting. "Okay well maybe I have in the past, but this is different. 'You don't have to be alone' just means that I'm here for you, and whether that's to talk, or to listen, or to just be silent and comfort you, it doesn't matter."
She took a breath, searching my eyes. "And you have nothing, absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. You hear me? Nothing."
"That is.. false," I mumbled, looking away. She stood up and sat on my desk, bringing her hand to my cheek.
"Hey, look at me..." I did so hesitantly to see her shaking her head slightly. "Nothing about what happened is your fault, and therefore you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. It's just me, Jen. I don't see you in a different light because Charles hurt you."
I let myself soften, feeling the honesty in her voice. I knew she meant every word and she had said every right thing, which was nearly impossible to do with me. "Well now I feel bad."
Her brow creased. "What? Why?"
"Because I practically ignored you for an entire week. I was just... terrified, that.. you'd try to make me talk about what happened, and I just can't right now."
"What happened?"
I looked at her with confusion before I realized what she was doing and I smiled a little bit, staring up into her gorgeous green eyes. She spoke, "Jen, did you really think I would force you to talk about it? I'd like to think that you know me a little better than that."
"I do know you," I answered, a hint of innocence laced in my voice and at the same time, a hint of mischief. "You're good at forcing me to do things I don't want to do."
She rolled her eyes, looking away. "How long can you possibly hold a grudge on me for helping you out of Charles's house?"
"You mean for forcing me out of Charles's house."
She narrowed her eyes in my direction before sliding off the desk, but I reached for her wrist before she could leave. "Hey, I'm just kidding Lisa. I've barely said a word to anyone all week.. let me joke a little."
Her head turned and her lips curled upwards. "Please do."
"Can I stay here for lunch?"
"Do you really think you have to ask?"
I smiled a little bit, watching as she returned to her seat next to me. She spoke, "I don't mean to... bring up a difficult topic, and we don't have to talk about her if you don't want to, but.. I just wanted you to know that since you don't really have the opportunity to search for Lilianna during the week... I've been looking into it for you."
My eyes snapped up to meet hers. "You have?"
"Yes."
"Did you find anything?"
She bit her cheek. "Not yet."
I couldn't help but let myself be disappointed. Her voice almost immediately cut through the silence, "But I will, I promise."
"You can't possibly promise me that Lisa."
"Yes I can," she said, "Or at the very least, I can promise you that I will not stop looking until we know where your sister is. How's that?"
I smiled. "Better."
She moved her lips as if to speak, but she hesitated. "Has it.. occurred to you.. that maybe she might not be Lilianna Kim anymore?"
I sighed, looking down. "Yes, but I try not to think about the fact that she could be adopted because if she is, I will never find her. There are a million Lilianna's, Lisa, and I literally don't know anything about her. Even if by some miracle I stumble across her, how am I supposed to know that it's her?"
She shook her head, at a loss for words. Even she didn't have an answer to that one. I exhaled. "This is impossible."
"Difficult," she corrected. "But not impossible. And do you know something? When Charles's in prison and you graduate, you can put all of your attention on finding her if you haven't already. She'll be the only thing you have to worry about."
I shifted my eyes to meet hers. "That and keeping you around."
She pursed her lips, an emotion flickering through her eyes so fast I didn't have time to register what it was. "I'm not going anywhere."
"So you say."
"Jen," she said, narrowing her eyes. "You need to believe me."
"I do believe you," I responded half-heartedly, "But you know, I'm not sure if Lilianna being the only thing I have to worry about is a good thing. I've driven myself crazy before, and I have no doubt that I can do it again."
"That's where I come in," she offered, "I'm not going to let you drive yourself insane. We'll find her, but it's going to take some time, regardless of whether or not you spend all hours of the day looking for her. You know that, right?"
"Yes."
"Alright." She paused, looking at me to see the sadness and uncertainty in my eyes. She sighed, "You're going to be okay Jen. One of these days, things are going to fall into place."
I shook my head. "I know you're trying to make me feel better, but Lisa, you've have no idea."
"Yes I do--"
"No you don't," I said more forcefully. "I'm getting worse and worse. Every day I wake up to my parents' face, or my sister's face, or Chahee's face, or worst of all, Charles's face--"
"Chahee?"
I looked at her, realizing that name had slipped out. I shook my head, my voice hardening. "Not something I want to talk about. Add it to the god damn list, I guess. My point is that I'm in a bad place right now and it doesn't matter how many times you tell me things will be okay, it's just not true. Things might be okay, they might, but there's also a good chance that things won't go my way, and everything won't be okay. You have to be realistic."
"I can be hopeful and realistic at the same time."
"Maybe," I answered. "But it's pretty difficult to do."
She sighed. "How about you and I just wait and see how things turn out, okay? Things might not go your way, you're right, but until then, I think we should have hope that they will."
I gave up, not even sure what point I was trying to argue anymore. "Okay."
She raised an eyebrow, "Okay?"
I nodded. "Let's have hope."
She rolled her eyes and let the corners of her mouth pull upwards. "Let's."
****
"How the hell is this good news?"
June stood in front of me, pacing back and forth through the kitchen in his and Ashley's house. Lisa sat next to me, one arm lazily thrown over the back of my stool as she shifted her focus from June to me, offering me a half-hearted, sympathetic smile. I knew she didn't have to be around for hours of case talk but she stayed anyway because she wanted to support me, which I appreciated.
"Because this means that I have four whole months to prepare your case and make sure that we win this thing. It means that I have the time I need."
"What it means is that Charles's free to do whatever the hell he wants until June. He shouldn't get to just live his life normally while I'm sitting here driving myself insane because of him."
June shook his head. "Rest assured Jen, Charles can't just go back to his old life. He was arrested and charged with a felony, you better believe his business is going to suffer from this."
"So what?" I grumbled. "The only thing he cares about is his money, and he has enough of that to last him a long, long time. He doesn't have a moral conscience which means that I'm the only one actually suffering here. He needs to be put in prison."
"And he will," June responded, sighing. "Four months from now."
Lisa chimed in, tiredly mumbling, "Why's the trial date so far away, June?"
"Honestly," he said, "We should be happy it's only June. Sometimes these cases take six, or eight, or twelve months to go to trial. For starters, we have to wait for Charles to either accept or deny the plea bargain--"
"He won't accept it," I muttered, feeling the urge to bang my head against the table. I'd had enough of this conversation. I wanted Charles out of my mind, which required the conversation to not be about him.
June shook his head. "You don't know that Jen."
"No, I do," I answered stubbornly. "He's got a big head and I'm sure he's got it screwed into his brain that he's going to win. He's not going to voluntarily send himself to prison."
He just sighed, shifting his eyes to Lisa ever-so-subtly. They made a sort of silent exchange and I narrowed my eyes. "What the hell is that? I'm literally right here, I can see both of you."
Lisa stood up, placing her hands on my shoulders and speaking, "I think we should be done for the day."
"Actually," June piped up, "You can be done for a while." He smiled a little. "That's the good news."
Lisa let her hands fall, separating herself from me. I spoke, "What does that mean?"
"It means I've gotten everything that I need from you for a while. You're not the lawyer Jen, it's my job to worry about winning this case. The only other thing I might need you to do is tell me which of your friends you're closest with."
I lowered my eyes, "My friends?"
"Yes, besides Taemin. We already have his testimony, which is great, but it's not just about what Charles has done to you physically. A testimony from someone you see and talk to every day may go far in proving how Charles's affected you emotionally.. mentally, etcetera."
"You know, Lisa's got a recently widened knowledge of my mental instability," I mumbled, catching her eye. She frowned noticeably and I spoke again, "Although... this specific piece of evidence is not exactly admissible in court..."
June's eyebrows furrowed. "Something tells me I don't need to understand what you're mumbling about..." He sighed. "Jen, we need all the voices we can get. Yours and Lisa's testimonies are crucial, but if you have a friend--"
"I get it, I get it. Jisoo is the only one that I used to talk to on a daily basis--"
"Jisoo?"
"Oh, uh..." I trailed off, "Jisoo Kim."
He nodded, "Okay, that's all I need then. Don't worry about the case for a while, okay? Take your mind off of things."
"Easier said than done," I sighed. I was about to speak again, but a familiar voice that I had gone a long time without hearing rang through the air.
"Is it a puppy? Come on! You know I don't like surprises!"
Ashley guided Ark down the stairs, holding her daughter's hands over her eyes. "Oh I think you'll like this one," Ashley responded, smiling.
They reached the bottom of the staircase and Ashley took her hands off of Ark's eyes, allowing her to see me. Her eyes lit up. "Jen!"
She ran forward and nearly tackled me to the ground. "Hey kid," I laughed, hugging her. "Long time no see."
"Aunt Lisa said I was never gunna see you again!"
I raised my eyebrows and looked behind me in Lisa's direction. She didn't say anything so I turned back to Ark. "Well I guess she was wrong then, wasn't she?"
"I missed you," she said, frowning. "Why didn't you tell me you were here?"
I smiled. "Because then you wouldn't have finished your homework."
"We have so much to do," Ark said, pulling me up from me chair. "First things first, I have to tell you about my dream! And then you can braid my hair and we can go up to my room and I can show you what Grandpa got me.. Oh! And then I can give you your Christmas present-"
Lisa chuckled, "Hey slow down Ark, I know you're excited but there's a storm coming and Jen and I have to get home before the weather gets too bad."
Ark looked at her aunt, practically horrified. "You guys can't leave! There's too much to do!"
June looked behind the curtains, interrupting Lisa before she could tell Ark no again. "The storm's already here," he said, nodding towards the window.
Ashley looked between Lisa, Ark and I and spoke. "Why don't you two just stay here for the night? It's supposed to be pretty bad and--"
"And Jen and I have too much to do!"
Lisa looked thoughtful for a moment before she looked at me. "Your call."
"Ark and I have way too much to do, Lisa," I smirked, rolling my eyes at her. "Duh. Of course we're staying."
Her lips curled upwards into a smile, one that I honestly could've stared at for forever but Ark denied me the chance to by whisking me away into her bedroom. I had missed her, truly missed her, so spending hours with an eight year old and her dollhouse was more enjoyable to me than it probably would've been to any other seventeen year old.
Still, my mind continued to wander off to the blonde downstairs.
What I felt for Lisa was difficult again. It didn't seem to be as difficult as it used to be for her; she had let me in and she seemed over the fact that whatever we had obviously wasn't traditional. But it was for me. I wasn't myself lately. I was irritable all the time and I felt empty ninety-five percent of the time, the other five percent of the time being when I was with her and we were both just.. being, instead of talking about my fucked up life. I knew that I wasn't in the right state of mind to be with her for real, and if she was any other person, I would have just told her that. But I wanted to be with her and I wanted to let her make me smile. I wanted her.
Which posed a problem because Charles was getting in the way of that and I wasn't sure what to do about it. She didn't mind not talking about it now, sure, but what would happen months from now when I still couldn't... give her what she wanted? This was new to me and I had never had problems in the bedroom, so I honestly didn't know if this would subside or if I wouldn't be able to fulfill all of her needs in the future.
It was something I couldn't help but to worry about.
Then again, who said we would even make it that far?
She said I needed to believe the fact that she wasn't going anywhere, and in some ways, I did. But there was always going to be that small part of me that couldn't seem to accept that someone alive actually cared about me. I knew that she did, so why was I still so doubtful?
I sighed internally, trying to tune back into my surroundings because Ark was talking to me and I had missed quite a bit of what she had said. It had already been late before the storm hit and after a little while, Ark had to go to bed. I was already in her room when Lisa came upstairs to put her to bed.
"Wait!" she said as the both of us were just beginning to head downstairs. "Aren't you going to sing to me?"
Lisa leaned against the doorframe. "Oh come on Ark, now?"
"Well I'm going to bed, aren't I?"
"Aren't you too old for that now?"
"I'm too old for you to sing to me?" Ark countered, as if that was the stupidest question she'd ever heard. Lisa sighed, sitting down on Ark's bed. She eyed me but I stayed right where I was. I loved her voice and I had a feeling that I would love it even more with a melodic tune to it.
Without warning, she started singing, keeping her eyes on Ark. I wasn't familiar with the song but I had a gut feeling that it meant something to the two of them because Lisa sang it with so much emotion that it almost overwhelmed me. Her voice was soft and low, so low that I had to focus hard to hear her, but it was absolutely beautiful. I had no idea what love itself was but as I listened to her, I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me think I could know what it was. One thing was for sure though, I couldn't take my eyes off of her no matter how hard I tried.
After a minute or two, she kissed Ark's forehead and ushered me out the door, closing it behind her. I stared at her, completely mesmerized. She pulled her eyebrows together. "What is it?"
I shook my head, deep in thought. "Nothing... you just.. you have a beautiful voice."
She eyed me and blushed, trying to look away before she did so but I caught it. She padded downstairs to the guest room, pulling a towel out of the dresser and nodding towards the door. "I'm going to get in the shower."
I nodded mindlessly, listening to the sound of running water. It was soothing, almost. I felt at peace but it was a much different feeling than happy. Lisa's voice had calmed me but I was still so emotionally drained. I still felt so incapable of smiling.
I didn't want to be teased by seeing her as she stepped out of the shower and not be able to do anything about it so I made my way to the living room, sitting on the floor by the fireplace. After a few minutes, I saw Ashley rummaging around in the kitchen and she met my eyes, walking towards me. "Are you okay?"
No. "Yeah."
"What're you doing out here?"
I shrugged. "Sitting. Thinking."
She sat down next to me, seeming like she was thinking of something to say. Or maybe she was just trying to find the right words for what she wanted to say. She spoke, "I just... wanted to say that I'm sorry."
I looked over at her, expecting her to mentioned the case. I readied myself for more pity. "For what?"
Ashley met my eyes. "I once told you to stay away from my sister because she couldn't handle it." She shook her head. "And that was wrong. I was wrong. You two deserve each other. You're able to make her smile and vise versa, and I know that's not an easy task for either of you."
"You don't have to apologize for doing what you thought was right."
"I know," she responded. "But I want to. So.. I'm sorry."
With that, she stood up and nodded to me. "Well, have a good night."
Then she was gone. I could tell she wanted to talk to me about Charles but she didn't for my sake, and that meant a lot. I walked back into the guest room to find Lisa on the edge of the bed, running her fingers through her damp hair. I took my jeans off and slid underneath the covers, watching her. I couldn't help but ask, "What does that song mean to you?"
Her head turned quickly. "Huh?"
"That song," I repeated. "There was so much raw emotion in your voice when you sang it. What does it mean to you?"
She eyed me, pressing her lips together. "It was my mom's favorite. She sang it to Ark all the time when she was a baby."
"It's a beautiful song."
She nodded and slid into bed next to me. "It is."
I was hesitant to mention her mom or Liam but we had been so focused on me for so long, I had no idea how she was doing. "Are you doing okay?"
"Surprisingly," she responded quickly, "Yes, I am."
"That makes me happy," I whispered honestly. It really did. She smiled slightly and I spoke. "Um... what's going on with you and Liam?"
She seemed more than surprised by my question. "Uh... nothing, I guess. I don't know. I haven't had time to worry about him, honestly."
"That's because you've been too busy worrying about my problems to worry about your own."
Her brow creased. "That's because yours are just a tad bit more important than mine, wouldn't you agree?"
I couldn't help but notice the hint of hostility in her voice. "I feel like this is turning into an argument with no point."
"Yeah I do too." She sighed. "I know what you're doing Jen. You can't tell me not to worry about you, because I'm going to anyway."
"I know. You're allowed to, I just don't want you to forget to take care of yourself."
"Trust me," she said, eliminating some of the distance between us. "I'm taking care of myself. Thinking about Liam is completely pointless and it only makes me upset. When he realizes that he can't blame me forever, we'll talk again and that'll be that. It's not something I need to worry about."
I eyed her. "If you say so." I paused. "You told me in the car after Tomas taught me how to fight that you were in a bad place. I just... I know what that's like and I want to get you out of it."
She smiled, her eyes flickering to my lips so briefly that I was sure I had imagined it. I realized that since Sunday, she was hesitant to kiss me, or even to touch me. "I'm not in a bad place anymore, okay? Just being around you has gotten me out of it. Don't worry about me."
"So I'm not allowed to worry about you but you can worry about me?"
She chuckled, lifting herself up with her elbow so that she was looking down at me and her hair was falling around her. "Exactly."
This time when her eyes flickered to my lips, I knew I hadn't imagined it. But she didn't move. I let out an exasperated breath, frowning. "You don't have to be afraid to touch me, Lisa."
She shook her head slightly. "I'm not afraid... I just, I don't want to trigger you..."
I sighed, realizing we were going to talk about this despite my efforts. "It wasn't you touching me that was the problem, I don't think. It was the force. You know... you had my wrist pinned down and your hand was on my thigh in a way that... that reminded me of Charles.." I exhaled and whispered, "You can kiss me..."
She didn't let herself falter. Her lips connected with mine and she kissed me slowly.. passionately.. longingly. She pulled back, her lips twitching upwards. "There, how was that?"
A grin spread across my face. "Perfect."
"Good," she said, smiling and letting herself fall into the sheets beside me.
She spoke again, "Then I'll keep doing that... and... well I guess we'll go from there."
****
I woke to multiple things being thrown on top of me: my jeans from last night, my beanie, my coat, and last but not least, Ark. I held my stomach and coughed, gently pushing her off of me and mumbling an incoherent string of words. I opened my eyes to see Lisa rummaging around in the dresser, and when she looked at me, she smiled. "Come on, get dressed."
I squinted, looking at Ark, who was grinning, and then back at her. "What.. time is it...."
"Doesn't matter," she grinned, "You're up now. Come on, I have something to show you."
I slowly sat up, mumbling, "And that required throwing an eighty pound weight on top of me because...?"
"I am not a weight!" Ark cried. "I am a person. A cool person." She added, "And I weigh fifty-three pounds, Jen."
"Oh well excuse me," I muttered, pulling on my jeans and my beanie and combing through my hair with my hands. I was exhausted and I did not appreciate this wake up call, but Lisa seemed excited, which was weird, so I followed her and Ark towards the back door. Ark scurried down the porch steps and started running, not waiting for either of us. As soon as I stepped outside, I sucked in air. It was snowing lightly, though there was none on the ground. "It's fucking freezing.."
Lisa picked up a bag off of the porch and slung it over her shoulder, guiding me down the steps. "Will you stop being such a grouch?"
"All things considered, I think this is as happy as I can be right now."
"Fair enough," she said, guiding me through Ashley's backyard. "Close your eyes."
"What?"
She placed her hands over my eyes without hesitation and ushered me forward. I was beyond confused but at the moment I was having trouble speaking, considering Lisa's front was currently molded against my back. "What the hell is going on?" I demanded, prying at her hands which wouldn't budge.
"It's a surprise," she whispered, gently pushing me forward. She walked me right into a tree and I stumbled back, holding my forehead.
"Ow."
"Oops," she chuckled, "My bad. Come on, it's this way." She tugged at my hand and made me close my eyes again. I didn't think I'd ever seen her so excited.
Finally she stopped me, allowing me to open my eyes. I saw Ark first, and then trees, and then I turned my head slightly.
I glanced at her. "It's a frozen lake."
"Yes it is."
The bluntness in my voice was obvious. "So.... you woke me up... painfully might I add... to drag me to a frozen lake."
She nodded, smirking. "Surprise."
I just stared at her, wondering what the hell was running through her mind right now. She laughed at my expression, letting her bag fall and pulling out three pairs of ice skates.
"Okay," I said, "I'm a little less confused... though slightly annoyed.." I trailed off. "Ice skating really excites you, huh?"
She rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "No, the fact that I'm able to cross something else off your bucket list excites me." She grinned, "And we don't have to hide because this is Ashley's property."
My eyes flickered up to hers and my annoyance completely melted away. "You..." I laughed in disbelief, smiling a bit. "You remember me saying that? I barely even remember saying that."
She smiled. "I remember everything you tell me, Jen."
I felt the heat rising to my cheeks. "Ark!" she called out. "Come get your skates!"
"Is this safe?" I asked, lightly stepping on the edge of the ice.
"Course it's safe, why wouldn't it be?"
"Uh, well," I laughed, "The ice could break and we could plunge into zero degree water.. but other than that... yeah no, nothing could go wrong."
"Loosen up," she chuckled, tying Ark's skates. "We've been skating on this lake since June and Ashley moved here nine years ago." She tilted her head. "Well, besides two winters ago. Wasn't cold enough."
I nodded, sitting down and pulling on the skates she offered me. "Whose are these?"
She caught my eye. "Uh, they were my mom's."
I raised my eyebrows in surprise and she smiled a bit, "It's not a big deal. Don't be weirded out."
"I'm not."
She nodded and slipped hers on, lacing them up and standing, testing the ice before she let Ark on it. "Good to go Ark."
Ark stepped onto the ice, giggling and skating away, sticking out her tongue to catch the snow. I tried to stand up but I lost my balance and fell, groaning when I made contact with the ground. Lisa skated towards me, holding my hands and helping me stand up. "Don't get frustrated. It's not that difficult once you get the hang of it. Keep yourself steady and start slow... bend your knees and lead forward a little bit."
I did as she said and made it a few feet before I slipped and fell again, landing on my ass. "The only disadvantage of our natural ice skating rink is that there's no walls to hold onto." She smiled and helped me up. "But you can hold onto me if you want to."
That I had no arguments against. I stayed by her side, gradually getting the hang of it. I got to the point where I could freely skate around and enjoy myself, really enjoy myself. It was when I tried to spin that I landed hard. She skated over and offered me a hand , but I pulled her down on top of me instead of letting her help me up. She laughed, the sunlight catching her emeralds and allowing them to twinkle. "What was that for?"
"I had enough of you showing off."
"I'm just skating."
"You mean showing off. I know. Stop it already, I get it. You're talented."
She chuckled, hovering over me. My eyes flickered between her eyes and her lips until she cupped my cheek and kissed me, the warmth of her breath sending chills through my body. I pulled away slightly, staring into her eyes as she looked down at me. I could feel that same feeling that I had felt when she was singing to Ark, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to acknowledge it just yet. I wasn't even sure if what I was feeling was... that thing. That dreaded, three worded thing that I myself couldn't remember ever saying to anyone. I had undoubtedly told my parents I loved them, but I barely remembered doing so, so if I ever decided that that was what I felt for Lisa and I decided to actually tell her, it would essentially be the first meaningful time I uttered those words.
But that time wasn't now. I spoke, "We might not have fallen through the lake but I'm wearing jeans and I can't feel my body."
"Do you want me to test that theory?"
My mouth fell open slightly and I raised my eyebrows in shock. She laughed, and I couldn't tell if her cheeks were red because of the cold or because she was blushing. "Don't answer that. Come on, let's go back. You're shivering." She called out to Ark. "Ark! Let's go!"
I grinned to myself on the walk back to Ashley's house. Today was the first day since Halloween that I felt genuinely happy, and I was surprised. Despite everything that was going on, Lisa had yet again succeeded in putting a real smile on my face.
I might not have known what I was feeling, but at the very least, the fact that she could make me smile in a time like this had to mean something.
It had to.