DELICATE ★ JENLISA - Chapter 31: Chapter 31

Days began to pass, and those days turned to weeks. I would spend Monday through Friday waking up next to Aria and eating breakfast with eleven other girls who hated me. School provided me with a break from them, only it wasn't really a break because everyone there stared and whispered too. I spent my lunches with Lisa, who always tried to cheer me up and succeeded better than Jisoo, Cara or Taemin ever could, but never really managed to lift my spirits.
I appreciated every time she made an effort to make me smile. I appreciated her being there for me to talk to when I needed, but also being there to give me a hug and not talk when I didn't need to. I had tried to explain to her what I was feeling because I knew she had no idea, but I had trouble putting it into words. It was as if a dark cloud followed me everywhere, and while sometimes, very few times the sun broke through, most of the time it was pouring and the thunder never stopped.
Despite my efforts to explain it, I didn't think Lisa truly understood. It wasn't her fault and it didn't bother me, in fact, I was glad she didn't know what it felt like to never get a break. Still, sometimes I thought that it'd be easier if she did because she'd understand that telling me everything would be okay didn't always make me feel better. Granted, most of the time it did give me a little bit of reassurance because it was coming from her and strangely enough, I almost believed it when it came out of her mouth. But I'd been told that it would all be okay a countless number of times, each and every time I was dropped off at a new foster home.
And it was never okay.
Quickly, January Jenme a memory. February began to pass and nothing seemed to change in my favor. Finding my sister was still just a dream. Charles still existed in my head. I still dreaded weekdays but I had come to realize how important my weekends were. Weekends were the short period of time where I could be with the one person who made all of this bearable for longer than an hour.
The first weekend in February started like all of the rest. I woke up in half of an embrace, one of Lisa's arms wrapped around my waist and the other over her head. Somehow my nightmares were worse than they had been before Charles was arrested, but the plus side to waking up at four in the morning on weekends was that it gave me time to admire all of her beautiful features.
Ark came over for a little while, of course, and Saturday night I spent on Lisa's laptop while she scrolled through the channels on tv and tried to make conversation that would cheer me up. I hadn't gotten mad in a while, and I was hoping it would stay that way until at least Charles's trial, until she scrolled past a channel that caught my attention.
"Woah woah," I stopped her, pushing the laptop off of my thighs and trying to grab the remote. She had seen exactly what I had seen and she held it back. "Lisa, change it back."
"I don't know where the remote is."
"It's in your fucking hand," I said, climbing on top of her and prying it from her hands. "Stop trying to protect me, I'm a big girl, I can handle it."
I turned back to the news channel to see microphones being shoved into Cate's face.
I fell back into the couch, letting my legs rest on Lisa's thighs as I stared intently at the screen. "Is it true that you're not only Jennie's adoptive mother, but her step mother too?"
Cate covered her face, pushing her way to her car. "I... was before her parents passed away."
I narrowed my eyes, meeting Lisa's. "Tell me she didn't just announce that my parents are dead to the entire fucking world...." I swallowed, whispering, "Tell me she didn't..."
The reporter spoke, "How long has your husband been abusing your adoptive daughter?"
"We've only been her adoptive parents for two years."
"So you admit that Charles is abusive?"
"No! Look you've been outside my house for the past two weeks and I can't take it anymore! Have some human decency and for the love of god leave me the hell alone."
"With all due respect Mrs. Carter, I don't think I'm the one lacking human decency, that's sounds to me like your husband."
"This is all a big misunderstanding! Jesus Christ move out of the way and let me go to the damn store!"
"So you think your husband was wrongfully accused?"
"I... think all of this could have been avoided."
"How do you think it makes your daughter feel to know that you're taking his side over hers?"
"I'm not taking sides damnit! I love them both!"
With that, Cate decided she was officially fed up. She pushed past the reporter, pulling her car door open and setting off down the road. I knew the broadcast wasn't live because whenever it had been recorded, it was still light outside. Nevertheless, it had my blood boiling. I had to give a little bit of props to the reporter because she seemed to have bias in my favor, which I admittedly enjoyed, but I was beyond pissed off at Cate.
I let myself fall back, exhaling and staring at the ceiling. "Cate just told everyone in two minutes what it took me three months to tell you in confidence.." I scoffed, "Is she even allowed to do that?"
"Well," Lisa sighed, scooting over and rubbing her neck. "Yeah."
"Defend Charles, lie to me about my dead sister, tell the entire world that I'm an orphan, is there anything she can't do?"
"Find her heart," she muttered. "Or her sensibility for that matter."
I blinked a few times, still trying to wrap my head around the fact that when I went back into school on Monday, not only would everyone know that I had been abused, but they'd also know that my parents had passed away. Lisa's face popped into my line of sight as she peered down at me, her eyes laced with concern. "Are you okay?"
"No," I sighed. "As if I needed more pity from every. single. soul. that walks past me in school."
"Would you be totally against me talking to the other teachers?"
I looked at her with curiosity. "What for?"
She shrugged. "I've... seen how they look at you and I know you get it enough from your peers, you don't need it from them too."
"I thought you hate talking to people."
"I'm not a huge fan," she answered, making a bit of an effort to replace the frown on her face. "But I think I can manage if it'll make your life a little easier."
I brushed the hair out of my face, nodding slightly. "Knock yourself out, but I don't know if there's anything you can possibly say to change the way they see me now. The most you can do is keep that damn look off your own face, please."
She shook her head, her brow creasing. "I don't look at you like that... do I?"
"No, thankfully. But let's keep it that way. You're the only break I get." I tried to smile a bit. "And Ark, but it's like, even Ashley and June pity me. I see it all the time."
"I know how it makes you feel Jen and I'll do what I can to eliminate some of it, but it is the most natural human response to something like this."
"I know, I just wish it wasn't. I almost look forward to leave school so I can go home to people who don't pity me."
The doubt was heavy in her voice. "Really?"
"Well yeah," I responded. "For a few minutes. And then I get home and realize how stupid I was to wish that upon myself."
She met my eyes, searching them and biting her cheek as if she was refraining herself from saying something. I sighed, "What?"
"I don't want to push you.. I just.. you know I'm here, right? If you... want to talk.. about.."
"I don't," I stopped her, and seeing her frown, I sat up and tried to erase it by pressing my lips to hers. She relaxed and kissed me back before pulling away and eyeing me. I spoke, "But thank you for being here anyway."
She smirked. "Here in my apartment? You're very welcome."
I rolled my eyes. "You know what I meant. You're here for me, regardless of location. I know I don't really show it and I'm sorry for brushing you off so often. I do appreciate you being there to talk."
"Well that's my job."
"Wow that's romantic. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside—"
She smiled, "There's also no where I'd rather be than here to talk."
"It's too late now."
"I figured, but I had to at least try to save myself," she said. I let my lips twitch upwards slightly, peering up at her through heavy eyelids. Not that she wasn't always, but her beauty was particularly striking tonight and I wanted desperately to take that next step, but my mind and body wouldn't let me. I knew that if we simply slowed the pace down, I probably wouldn't freak out like I had last time. But that wasn't my problem. My problem was that even if I wanted her, I knew I wouldn't be one hundred percent there. I was too glum to put my heart and soul into an amazing night with her.
And I hated that.
"Stop thinking whatever it is that you're thinking right now."
I stopped looking through her and searched her eyes before looking down. "I was thinking about you."
"Well that doesn't make me feel too great considering the very obvious frown on your face. I know what you were thinking."
"How—"
She lowered her face to mine, muffling my question as she pressed our lips together. She pulled back and spoke, "Because I'm pretty decent at reading you now. Stop thinking about what we can't do and start thinking about what we can do. We can sit here and enjoy our Saturday night together, can't we?"
I sighed, shifting slightly so that I was resting in between her arm and chest. "Yeah," I muttered. I tried to forget about Cate, about Charles and Bianca and about Chahee because thinking about them did me no good, especially not if I wanted to enjoy my night.
"I guess we can."
Going back to school on Monday had been absolutely dreadful. Maybe I should've been happy that people 'cared' enough to tell me they were sorry to hear about my parents' death, but I wasn't. It was all I heard all day long and by the time school was over, I was ready to pull my hair out. I had never been more grateful to have to go to work because if I didn't, I'd have to go home to Bianca, and I just didn't think I could do that after such a long day.
But that week, each and every day when I returned home from work, Bianca poked and prodded at me, just desperate for me to burst.
"Your mom was on the news the other day."
I had been getting ready to shower, and I continued to look through my things as I muttered, "That's funny, cause I'm pretty sure my mother's dead."
"Don't be so damn bitter, I was just making conversation with you. Let me ask you something, why are you dragging this thing out if Charles didn't even do anything? I mean come on, his wife that lives with him said that this is all a big misunderstanding. Doesn't that say something?"
"It says that she's an asshole and clearly cares very little about me."
"She said she loves you."
"People say a lot of things. You like to say you're a good person." I flashed her a sarcastic smile. "Doesn't mean it's true."
"I'd just like to point out that I'm not the one making this conversation hostile." She appeared thoughtful. "I always thought Chahee was the bitter one of you two. Guess I was wrong."
I had been literally in the doorway of the bathroom at that point and I stopped dead in my tracks. I turned around slowly, narrowing my eyes at her. "What the fuck is your problem, Bianca? Chahee has no business being in this conversation and you know that. What the hell did I ever do to you?"
The smug, light-hearted look on her face was replaced with a snarl. She stepped forward, pushing me back against the wall. "You made me look weak, in front of everyone."
"That sounds like a you problem to me."
"Yeah well it sounds like a you problem to me because she's not here to protect you anymore."
My back was flattened against the wall and I took a few breaths. I knew that I could knock her down again, just like I had the last time she pushed my final button, but I needed to keep my calm. If I got in another fight, Aubrey would ground me and I wouldn't be able to see Lisa on the weekends.
"I don't need Chahee to protect me Bianca. I'm not the same defenseless little girl you knew three years ago."
"Maybe," she responded, "But you'll break."
She had walked away that Monday night, but proceeded to taunt me throughout the week. I had patience and I'd built up a tolerance for people like her. I knew I could handle it. It was only when Friday night came around and I got home from work that I felt my patience completely wearing thin.
I was downstairs looking through the fridge for any scraps of leftovers that I could find when I felt her presence behind me. I turned around, sighing. "Do we have to do this tonight?"
She held her hands up. "I'm just getting a glass of water."
I picked up the container of food in the fridge and turned around, headed for the stairs. "Hey you know you're not allowed to take food out of the kitchen."
I slowly turned around, narrowing my eyes. "Really?"
"Have a seat, stay a while, let's chat."
"Let's not," I responded, putting the container back in the fridge. She put a hand on my shoulder and stopped me from going anywhere. "I want to apologize."
I quirked an eyebrow, the doubt heavy in my voice. "Is that right?"
She nodded, moving her hair over to one side and rubbing her neck. "Yeah I've been a bit of a bitch this past week. I don't like that you're on the same level as me now, you know? It lowers my credibility in this fucked up place."
I eyed her, wondering what the hell was happening. I wasn't stupid enough to believe that she was owning up to her mistakes and being honest with me. Even so, I found myself desperately hoping that this would be the end of the taunting. I was convinced that if she brought up Chahee even once more, I'd break. "Sure Bianca."
"No come on I mean it. I'm sorry. I won't mention Chahee anymore, I know she's a touchy subject." She paused. "Eat, okay? We can have a civilized conversation without wringing each other's necks."
I hesitantly sat down. There was barely anything in my stomach and I knew I needed to eat. She spoke up, "When do you get out?"
"End of March...." I muttered, reluctantly adding, "You?"
"In about a week, actually."
I raised my eyebrows. "You got a plan?"
She waved her hand. "Oh you know, prostitution, join a gang, the usual."
I rolled my eyes. "Okay now how about a real answer?"
"I have a pretty shitty cousin up in Maine that I can stay with for a couple of weeks. Dunno how I'm going to get there or what I'm going to do after that, but it's a start."
"Have any siblings?"
She frowned slightly. "Yeah, a brother. He's fifteen. We got separated... I've been trying to keep tabs on him but I'm not entirely sure where he is now. It sucks because you know how bad some of those foster homes can be, but I mean... at least he's... alive."
My eyes slowly raised to hers and she was quick to make another comment. "That wasn't a jab at you, I'm sorry about your sister."
I sunk back into my chair, sighing. "Actually she's alive."
"Hey no way, that's awesome."
"Sure," I mumbled, "It would be if I knew anything about her. I don't know if she's adopted and I can't find her under her birth surname so, in other words, I'll probably never see her again."
"That... sucks. I'm sure you'll find her though. And hey, who knows, maybe she'll find you."
"I doubt she even knows I'm alive."
She walked over to where I was sitting at the kitchen table. "Don't think like that, with all the media coverage your case has been getting, I'm sure she knows you're alive." She paused, thinking. "I mean Charles's business is big. I'm sure everyone all over the country knows about it. That means that they probably know he was arrested, and they probably know who you are."
I had no idea if she was doing it intentionally, but she had gotten inside my head. I knew that what she was saying was probably true. If it was, why hadn't Lia reached out me? The news had given so much of my personal information to the public, she had to know who I was.
Why hadn't she tried to contact me by now?
I started shaking my head, "That might not be the case..."
She closed more of the distance between us. "No, but think about it. If she knows who you are, why hasn't she tried to contact you?" She met my eyes. "Maybe she just doesn't want to."
"Bianca—"
"I'm just saying, maybe she doesn't care enough to, you know, reunite with you." She was behind me now, practically whispering in my ear. "I mean... Chahee certainly didn't care enough about you to stick around—"
My seat flew back and my fist and her jaw had connected before I even knew what was happening. She said she wasn't going to bring up Chahee again. I had known there was no way she was telling the truth, but it didn't help. I was crushed by the thought that my sister could know where I was and still not want to meet me, but adding Chahee's death on top of that was the final straw.
She cried out, stumbling back and dramatically slamming into the wall. The house practically shook, and before I knew it, feet were pounding down the stairs and Aubrey was between the two of us, a furious expression on her face. "What the hell is going on?"
"She... she punched me!" Bianca cried, feigning hurt. I knew I could probably do some real damage but she was being over dramatic on purpose, and unfortunately, Aubrey didn't pick up on it.
The other girls were pounding down the steps and filling the room, looking from me to Bianca. Aubrey payed no attention to them and turned to me. "Jen," she snapped, "I thought you knew better than that after last time. Violence is not tolerated in my house."
"S-She's been taunting me all week! Come on Aubrey!"
"No, I don't want to hear it. There's nothing that Bianca could have said that meant you needed to punch her in the face. Words are just words, Jen. You know what this means."
"But Aubrey—"
"I said I don't want to hear it." She shook her head, sighing. "I expected more than this from you."
I tightened my fists, glancing at the door. It was late but I knew I couldn't really get in more trouble than I was already in, and I needed to stay with Lisa for one more night before I was grounded for good. I glanced at Bianca, then the girls, and then Aubrey, before darting out the door and down the street. I could hear her calling after me but I didn't listen. I kept running and I didn't stop until I made it to Lisa's building an hour later.
I knocked relentlessly until she swung the door open and seeing her face, I suddenly didn't want to be at her door anymore. It wasn't that I didn't want to be with her, but I didn't want to tell her that I had gotten into a fight and I couldn't handle her being disappointed in me. I tried to turn away and start down the stairs but she reached out to me, pulling me into her apartment. "Woah, not so fast." She tilted my chin up, looking at me worriedly. "What's going on?"
"I fucked up..." I whispered, refusing to meet her eyes.
"What did you do?" she asked softly.
"I don't want to talk about it right this second...." I shook my head. "Please just... just hold me for a little while."
She said nothing, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around me. I let my chin rest on her shoulder as I closed my eyes, exhaling. I had screwed up by letting Bianca get to me. On the bright side, she apparently wouldn't be around to taunt me anymore, but the home was still a bad place for me and I wouldn't have the weekends as an escape anymore.
Eventually Lisa pulled back, sitting me down on the couch and raising her eyebrows. I sighed, "I... I don't want your opinion of me to change."
She shook her head. "When are you going to realize that there's nothing you could ever do to make that happen?" She paused. "You left me in the middle of the night after I told you about my mom and even then, my opinion of you still didn't change. I was mad, sure, but nothing changed."
I looked down. "Make me feel worse about it, why don't you..."
Her hand landed on my knee, brushing over the fabric of my leggings. "You left for good reason and you had it in your mind that it was the right thing to do. You don't need to feel bad. What did you do, Jen?"
"I.. might've... broken someone's jaw.. or something.."
I risked peaking up at her. I could see that the look in her eyes had shifted and I stood up, pushing her hand off of my knee. "No, you see? That's exactly what I didn't need right now."
She stopped me. "Hey, come on, I didn't even say anything."
"You didn't need to, I saw it in your eyes."
"What you saw was a mixture of worry and confusion, because I know you wouldn't have done that without a pretty damn good reason. I know you don't have to talk to me... but... is there something going on in your life that you're not telling me?"
"I don't know..." I responded, "Because I'm required to tell you every little thing that happens to me?"
She squinted slightly. "Why... are you doing that? That's not what I meant. Of course you don't... it's just... if we were...." she trailed off, sighing. "I don't know, really together, we would talk about these things, you know, the things that make you so upset. That's what people do in a relationship, they talk it out and try to make each other feel better..."
"Yeah well apparently we're not really together so I guess we don't have to talk it out."
"What the fuck Jen? Look I get that there's a lot of shit going on in your life right now but I'm doing my god damn best and you have to cut me some slack, okay? Don't do that. I want nothing more than to be your girlfriend, but you and I both know that's just not something that can happen right now. So don't get bitter with me because of something that I can't really do anything about until you graduate and, I don't know, talk to me?"
I turned, meeting her eyes and swallowing. That was the second person that had called me bitter in one day. What was happening to me? It was as if I couldn't control how frustratingly impossible I was becoming. She was being the best possible person she could be in this situation and I was being an ass.
I sat down on the coffee table, putting my head in my hands. "I feel like I'm going to throw up..."
Being her, she spoke the words, "Are you alright?"
"No, Lisa, I hate who I'm becoming."
She sat down next to me. "You're not becoming anything Jen, you're going through a hard time. I get that... but you need to get that I can't possibly know how you're feeling or what you're dealing with unless you tell me."
I sighed. "I know."
"So?"
"So... I've been dealing with this girl Bianca since I was twelve. Ever since I moved back to the group home, she's been trying to get a rise out of me and I know I shouldn't let her words affect me, but they do and I can't do anything about that. She continuously brings up topics that put me in a bad place like my parents or my sister or Chahee."
She didn't ask about Chahee, presumably because the last time she had, I hadn't wanted to talk about it. "So you punched her?"
"She got in my head. She was talking about how Lia has undoubtedly seen me on the news and if she wanted to meet up with me she would have reached out to me by now—"
Lisa narrowed her eyes. "Your sister is thirteen. What makes you think she watches the news? And.. if she's not adopted and she's living in a foster home, what makes you think there's a tv to begin with?"
I blinked at her, groaning. "Where were you and that logic an hour and a half ago when I could've avoided getting grounded?"
"Jen, this girl is not worth your time. You have to know that."
"She ages out in a week, so I don't have to worry about her anymore. But I can't visit you on the weekends now because I was stupid enough to let her get to me."
"Well then we'll have to make the most of our lunches."
"Yeah..." I trailed off. "I just don't understand. Bianca was never this bad. She teased me and beat me down back when I was defenseless but she never spent all of her time purposefully trying to get a rise out of me. I don't get what's different now."
She shook her head. "I'm not sure either, but it's not something you need to think about. You said Bianca shouldn't be a problem anymore."
"She shouldn't be..." I let out a shaky breath of air. "I'm so sorry Lisa."
"Stop it," she mumbled, wrapping an arm around me. "It's okay."
"But it's not," I whispered. "You're an amazing person and you don't deserve to have to go through this with me. I'm an asshole to you and you don't deserve it, and now not only can I not meet your physical needs, but I can't be a decent human being either—"
"Will you shut up already? Jen, seriously, I'm not going anywhere. I don't care what you think I deserve. I want to be here for you. And I swear if you mention the sex thing one more time, I will flip out on you. It's not something to beat yourself up over."
"But it is, Lisa. Come on, you can't seriously tell me that you don't miss something that's clearly been a part of your uh, daily, or.. weekly lifestyle for quite some time now..." I shook my head. "I'm not worth giving that up for—"
"Stop diminishing your self worth!" she nearly shouted. "Jen, I will not have this conversation with you again. When and if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, I will still be here for you. That's the end of it."
"But—"
"No," she said again, "That's the end of it."
"Fine," I sighed, adding jokingly. "God you're annoying, you know that?"
"Because I won't let you end us for a stupid fucking reason?"
"Yeah."
"Well then you'll just have to get over yourself because that's not going to change."
I stayed silent and we sat there for a while, both of us quiet. I was deep in thought, as I'm sure she was too, and it stayed that way until something popped into my mind. "Oh... shit.."
"What?"
"I think I know what's gotten into Bianca."
"Oh?"
I heaved a heavy sigh. "What do you think the odds are that... maybe.. Charles and his attorney put her up to this..."
Her brow creased. "Why would they do that?"
I met her eyes. "Because I'm an attention seeker, remember? I mean think about it, what's one of the best ways to get attention?"
She caught on and frowned. "Oh...."
"Yeah," I nodded, exhaling.
"By starting a fight