Distractions - Chapter 66: Chapter 66

Her skin itched with dried blood—hers or others' she did not know. Corpses rotted around her, even as the sterile smell she associated with hospitals filled the dark alleyway. Glass rained down on her and the corpses as the bang bang bang of a gun being fired drowned out her ragged breathing. The glass sliced into her stomach, reopening wounds that had long since scarred and digging into the bullet wounds that littered many of the corpses. She tried to staunch the bleeding on her stomach, but she couldn't move. She struggled against the ropes binding her to a chair, jerking around as hot tears streamed down her face. It was no use. The ropes didn't budge. Her leg burned as if Greek fire was winding up it but she couldn't scream. She couldn't open her mouth. She couldn't make a sound. The tears fell faster, throat burning and the fire winding up towards the open wounds on her stomach.
One of the corpses twitched and her head jerked towards it. They were alive. They could help her. They could untie her. The figure turned towards Everest slowly, haltingly, as if a puppet controlled by an amateur. It was Izzy, pale and shaking and hair plastered to her skin by still glistening sweat. Her eyes were glassy, a trembling finger pointed directly at Everest.
"It's your fault," Izzy said in a monotone. "You couldn't kill the demon that possessed me. You're the reason I got injured and got addicted. You're the reason I'm like this."
No! Everest had nothing to do with Izzy getting addicted to Yin Fen. That was Aldertree. It wasn't her fault.
"You're the reason Eloise is dead," Izzy said in that same monotone, pointing at a corpse beside her. "You're the reason she did what she did."
Everest shook her head, tears burning her skin as they tried to break through the dried blood on her face. No. Eloise had left rehab and overdosed. That was why she died. Not because of Everest. Everest didn't do anything to kill her.
"You didn't do anything to stop her," Izzy said, almost tauntingly. "You didn't visit her in rehab, you didn't do anything."
She wasn't allowed to visit Eloise! She wanted to, she would have if she could, but she wasn't allowed to!
"Just like you didn't do anything to stop them from dying."
Izzy pointed at a pile of corpses to Everest's right. Vibrant red hair mixed with pale freckled limbs and short mousy hair. No. It wasn't possible. Clary and Simon weren't dead, they weren't even close to it whenever they were around her mom. But, there they were, lying tangled up in a pile of waxy limbs with Jocelyn lying with them. Her nails dug into her skin and she struggled against the ropes once more. All it did was make Camille's laugh echo through the alley and her scars bleed more.
"You killed your mother, you didn't even try to fight the demon. You blame it for her death, you blame your father, but it picked you for a reason. You hate her and it could tell. It knew you wouldn't hesitate to kill her, your own mother. They hated you for it, you know, Clary and Simon. She was their mom too. You didn't do anything to stop their deaths either. You just let it happen, like you did hers."
Everest tried to talk, to demand answers, to demand to know how they died when they weren't dead. It was as if her mouth was sewn shut.
Izzy laughed, but it was hollow and void of anything that made it Izzy's laugh. "Your father slit Simon's throat right in front of you and all you did was watch. Pathetic, really. You could have at least pretended to care." No! Simon lived! He made it through that! He survived that fight! "And Clary? She was poisoned and you weren't there to help her. You drove her away with your constant whining about how hard your life is, about how much you hate this life. She ran away from you and no one was there to save her. You weren't there to save her. She died alone in an alley in Manhattan, and not even magic could save her."
Everest shook her head, teeth grinding together to stop her bottom lip from quivering.
"Oh, is little Everest sad? Boo hoo, grow up Morgenstern. No one cares."
Everest shook her head again, it wasn't true. Izzy was lying. All she managed to do was reveal Gino and Roslyn lying on the ground, side by side and frozen in rigor mortis. Her throat burned with the scream that would not leave. No. No. It wasn't possible.
"Oh, them?" Izzy scoffed. "They didn't even have an interesting death like the others. Gino was killed by the Soul Sword during the battle, just like you should have been." Izzy rolled her eyes when Everest shook her head frantically. "Oh, don't even try to lie to yourself. You know it's true. Why else would you have passed out like that when it was activated? It was the sword recognizing your demon blood. Unfortunately, your angel blood won and you survived when you shouldn't have."
Everest's chest heaved and burned as panic shredded her lungs. No. It wasn't true. Izzy was lying. She had to be.
"And Roslyn?" Izzy laughed cruelly. "Her death was the most boring. She died in an alleyway all the way in Ireland when a vampire drained her completely. Instead of burying her, he just left her there. Her body wasn't found for months, and by then she was unrecognizable."
Screams and protests climbed up her throat, burning as they refused to leave. Her eyes fell on a familiar blonde when she shook her head again, the fire encompassing her stomach. No. It wasn't possible. He was too strong to be dead.
"Oh yes, Jace is dead too. He followed you to your father's ship to make sure you didn't do anything stupid." What? Everest had followed Jace to the ship, not the other way around. "He was behind you when Cyprus Fallis attacked you. You moved out of the way and he was stabbed through the heart. Even Cyprus was surprised at how cruel that was of you. You didn't even think before using Jace as a shield. You killed him."
That didn't happen! she silently screamed.
Or did it? her mind whispered back.
Everest tried to scramble away from Izzy, away from her cruel, monotone words and the sneer on her face that was unlike anything she had ever seen the other girl wear before. All it did was tip her backwards so that she was face to face with two more corpses.
Her stomach twisted and her throat burned from nausea and tears. Panic clawed at her chest, the need to cry, to yell and scream, getting stronger by the second. No. No. It wasn't possible. How? Why? No!
"Oh, right. I almost forgot. You killed them too."
Blood mixed with tears in a pool below her as her sobs, silent but racking her body all the same, grew more violent. No. She couldn't have killed them, she wouldn't have killed them. She loved them too much to do that.
"Alec killed himself after watching everyone and everything he cared about disappear, after Jace was appointed Head of the Institute and Clary as his second. You didn't even think twice when you found his body in his office. You just burned it without a care in the world." Alec's face was pale and waxy, permanently frowning and hair styled how he hated it. "When Magnus found out Alec was dead, he shut himself in his room. You didn't even try to talk to him. He didn't eat, didn't drink, didn't sleep. He just sat there, staring at the wall until he died. Because you took away his reason for living."
Everest shook her head, even as the cracked asphalt dug into her scalp and Magnus's vacant eyes met hers, blank and unseeing yet unrelenting. No. She loved them, she would never leave them to stew in their thoughts alone. She would do her very best to help them.
...Wouldn't she?
"You are the reason they are all dead, and you are the reason I'm a dead woman talking," Izzy said, monotone mixing with the sounds of guns being fired and glass raining down around them. Izzy didn't so much as blink as the glass cut her, coating her skin red. "And now you have to live with it."
The girl collapsed, entirely still, a sneer etched into her pale, sweaty face for all eternity. Everest fought against the ropes binding her, Camille's laugh echoing in the alley, desperately trying to scream, to cry, to speak, anything. Nothing worked. Asphalt dug into her scalp and arms, glass mixing with blood and tears as the fire consumed her entire being. Gunshots rang out, one after the other, but even all the gunpowder in the world couldn't rid the alley of the sterile hospital smell. The corpse's waxy skin gleamed in the darkness, their sheer lack of life suffocating her own out of her.
Her throat burned as her ragged breaths tore away from her; the asphalt beneath her head gave way to soft pillows. The glass that cut her softened into the stuffed dinosaur Simon had gotten her weeks ago. The blood that coated every inch of her faded into pajamas, though the tears remained. The fire that consumed her cooled to blankets. Gunshots were drowned out by snoring, the sterile hospital smell being overtaken by sandalwood shampoo. The corpses surrounding her, suffocating her, reanimated to be Magnus and Alec, limbs tangled around her in a sleepy embrace, even as the ghost of the corpses remained in her peripheral vision.
She shoved the blankets off of her as quickly as she could without disturbing the other two. She turned around so she was facing the headboard, able to see the two still sleeping.
Please be alive. Please don't be dead. Please don't be dead because of me. I love you too much to live without you. I couldn't handle it if you were dead. Please. Please be alive.
Everest held a hand over Alec and Magnus's lower face to feel for breathing. Slow, gentle breaths laced with Alec's snores tickled the palm of her hand, but still her tears fell and still her mind raced.
Sure, they were alive right now, but that didn't mean they would always be alive. That didn't mean that she couldn't, that she wouldn't kill them—whether she wanted to or not. It just meant that she hadn't killed them yet. That didn't mean that the others weren't dead at that very moment, at least those she hadn't already killed.
Her throat burned with the need to scream, to cry, to speak, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. To make a noise would be to wake her boyfriends. To wake them would be for them to see her like this, so shattered and ruined that she wasn't even worthy of being called a person. To have them see her like this would be to hurt them. To hurt them would be to open the door to kill them. To kill them would be to kill herself. To kill herself would be to break a promise. To break a promise would be to destroy anything she might have left. On and on the cycle spun, spinning more and more out of control by the second.
She had to get out. She had to leave. She couldn't wake them up. She couldn't bother them with this. She needed to leave. It wasn't their burden. They didn't need to know. She had to get out.
She inched backwards off the end of the end of the bed, barely managing to not tumble to the floor. They didn't move an inch. She froze, invisible ropes binding her in place. They weren't moving. They just laid there, skin coated in a waxy gleam. They were dead. Why else wouldn't they be moving? Why else would they not have even shifted when she dislodged herself from the bed? She killed them. They were dead.
It was all her fault.
The ropes yanked her around as she stumbled out of the bedroom and into the living room, her chest nearly convulsing with how shallow her breathing was. It was too hot, too suffocating. Too much like the corpses. She fumbled with the balcony door, fingers clumsy and stiff like Clary's dainty artist hands had been after Everest killed her. She staggered onto the balcony, doors closing behind her, trapping her outside. Her knees buckled, sending her crashing to the floor like she had when she was tied to the chair and tried to escape. The corpses stared at her, unseeing and bitter as they surrounded her. She couldn't make them leave. They were there, at the edge of her vision ready to suffocate her, even as she pressed her hands into her eyes and slumped forward so that her forehead pressed into the concrete. Her nails dug into her face, the scars across her torso stretching painfully as she pressed further into the balcony floor.
Izzy was right. It was all her fault. She killed them. Why else would they be haunting her like this? Why else would they follow her, ready to kill her like she killed them? Why else would she feel like this?
Her hair stuck to her cheeks where tears had fallen, like Izzy's hair had been plastered to her face with sweat when Everest killed her. She scrubbed the strands away roughly, her face hitting the concrete when the previous barrier her hands created disappeared. She didn't care. She deserved it. She killed all of her loved ones. She was responsible for their deaths, for their pain and suffering. She deserved all of the pain she had inflicted upon them tenfold.
It was all her fault.
Her tears pooled below her in a thick pool tinted red. Camille's laugh echoed around her, accented by gunshots. Greek fire engulfed her, burning every inch of her being from head to toe to soul. Screams caught in her throat, still unable to make a noise. She wanted to, needed to, scream and cry and yell, but stitches kept her mouth shut. Rope and asphalt dug into her face and skin, pinning her in place so the corpses could suffocate her. She didn't fight them off. She didn't even try. She deserved it. She was the reason they were dead—she had killed them. She deserved anything they inflicted upon her and more.
It was all her fault.It was all her fault.It was all her fault.It was all her fault.It was all her fault.It was all her fault.Itwasallherfault.Itwasallherfault.Itwasallherfault.Itwasallher—
Warm arms wrapped around her from behind, reaching all the way around her torso and yanking her up from the ground. The stitches were pulled from her mouth in one violent, bloody jerk and she screamed. It was loud and guttural, pulled from the depths of her soul. It tore at her throat and stomach, stretching the scars across her torso with its force. The being that yanked her up—and oh how she hoped it was someone who would inflict the pain she deserved upon her—jerked and the arms around her tightened, striking the fire and encouraging it to heat up and devour her faster. The corpses edged closer with every breath Everest took, as if her breathing spurred them to suffocate her faster. So she stopped. The corpses slowed but they kept edging closer and closer.
"No, no, no. Keep breathing, Cupcake. Take a breath for me, please."
She couldn't. She would die either way. She would suffocate either way. The only difference was that one way would be by her own hand and the other would be by the corpses'. This was her choice. She was going to die, going to suffocate, no matter what. Why not do it by her own hand? Wasn't that what people always wanted? To be in control of their deaths? To have them happen on their own terms? Well these were her terms and she was in control of them. She was going to suffocate either way.
It was fine.
It was okay.
It was good.
Heat spread through her chest and lungs, different from the fire burning her very being. It was soft instead of harsh. Warm instead of hot. Gentle instead of cruel. Healing instead of destructive.
She couldn't help the rush of air that flooded into her system. Nor could she help the subsequent breaths she took.
The corpses jerked forwards.
No no no. No! Why? Why wouldn't they let her design her death by her own hand? Why did they have to let it be out of her control? Why?
The arms tightened as her body took breaths without her consent. "That's it, Cupcake. Keep on breathing. Stay with me. Please."
The being shifted her so that she was cradled in their lap. The fire sparked again, flaring white hot on her torso and leg. She screamed, raw and harsh and full of pain and satisfaction. Her face burned with a thousand tiny cuts and she arched up to meet the glass raining down on her. Something pooled beneath her skull—tears or blood, she didn't care.
She deserved it. It was her fault. She deserved it. It was her fault. She deserved it. It was her fault. She deserved it. It was—
The pool—of blood or tears, she didn't care—beneath her disappeared; the stinging of the cuts and rope and asphalt faded to nothing. The Greek fire was doused by a rush of cold numbness that started in her mouth, trickling down her throat and ending the fire's destruction.
No no no! No! She deserved it! She killed them. This was her punishment. Why did they take it away? What did the being have against Everest getting what she deserved? Why?
"No!" she screamed, raw and angry and desperate. "Give it back! Give it to me! It's mine! I deserve it! Give it back!"
"Give what back? What do you deserve? Why do you deserve it?" the being asked, as if fearful of the answer.
"All of it! Give it back!" She writhed in the being's arms, even as Camille's laugh, accented by gunshots, echoed around her and the corpses crawled closer to her. It wasn't enough. It didn't make up for what she did.
"Why?" the being cried, arms tightening. There was no fire that sparked, no pain, no anger, no nothing that sparked from the action like there had been before.
"I deserve it!"
"But why?"
"Because I killed them!" Everest screamed over Camille's laughing and the gunshots. "I killed them all and I deserve it!"
"Who did you kill?" the being asked, softer than before and voice full of the pain Everest deserved to be inflicted upon her.
"Everyone! I killed everyone I love! I killed my Eloise and my Clary and my mom and my Simon and my Jace and my Izzy and my Roslyn and my Gino and my Alec and my Magnus! They're all dead! I killed them all! It's all my fault! I deserve it!" She writhed in the being's arms again, this time met with less resistance. "Give it back! Give it all back! Give it to me!"
She jerked around once more and this time she rolled back onto the ground. She crawled desperately away from the being. She had to get away. She had to get it back. She had to.
She killed them. This was her punishment. She killed them. This was her punishment. She killed them. This was—
"We're all alive, Cupcake," the being said. "All of us are alive."
"No!" she screeched. "They're all dead! I killed them!"
"I'm right here, and very much alive."
"Stop lying!"
"I'm not lying, Cupcake."
"Stop it! You're wrong! They're dead! I killed them! It's my fault!" Her screaming broke off with a sob that tore its way out of her, loud and guttural and burning. "I killed them. It's my fault they're dead. I killed them," she sobbed.
Arms wrapped around her and pulled her into a lap, just like they had earlier, though this time there was no fire to spark or pain to increase. All that was left of her punishment was Camille's gunshot accented laughter and the corpses crawling towards her.
"I'm here, Cupcake. You're alright. You're safe. We're all safe," the being whispered in her ear.
"They're dead. I killed them. It's my fault. They're dead. I killed them. It's my fault," Everest said over and over and over again in that same monotonous voice Izzy had used when she told her what Everest had done. "They're dead. I killed them. It's my fault. They're dead. I killed them. It's my fault."
Her skin itched where hair was plastered to her face with tears but she couldn't make herself fix it. She was stuck staring blankly at the corpses as they got closer and closer and closer to her. She couldn't move away from them. She didn't know if she wanted to. Maybe they would give her a punishment that couldn't be taken away by the being. Maybe the corpses suffocating her was the final step in her punishment.
Her eyes fluttered closed as the corpses reached her at last.
She smiled ever so faintly as she felt them surround her.
Her entire being relaxed as she fell into their embrace.
...
The distinct sound of the glass balcony door slamming shut had Magnus and Alec awake in an instant. Magnus frowned when there was a distinct lack of Everest in the bed. He glanced at the clock on the nightstand.
2:27 am.
It was too early for her to be working on anything, even if it was a conversation with someone in a different time zone. Besides, she had canceled all of those when Valentine's transfer went wrong.
"I'll go check it out," Magnus told Alec, smiling reassuringly and giving him a kiss. "I'm sure she just got an idea or something."
"Hurry back," Alec said quietly, running a hand through his already messy hair. Magnus smiled affectionately at his adorableness and went in search of Everest.
He didn't have to look long. Like he had assumed, she was on the balcony. However, instead of writing or recording a voice note, she had collapsed face down on the balcony, scratches covering her face and nails still digging in to create more. Her skin was too pale, even with all of the lights of New York. Her hair was a tangled mess, sticking to her face and neck in matted clumps. As he stared, horrified, startled, Everest scrubbed away the hair sticking to her, her face hitting the concrete below her with a thud that reached his ears even through the door. Tears poured down her face in a steady stream, pooling below her. Her mouth moved ever so slightly but he could not hear what she said. She started shaking violently, face pushing into the concrete and scraping it further.
He shoved his way onto the balcony, shoved out of his horror and fear and confusion. She wasn't okay. He had to help her.
Magnus crouched down beside his girlfriend, swallowing back as much of his fear as possible. That wouldn't help Everest. Right now he had to get her off of the ground, had to stop her from injuring herself further.
He wrapped his arms around her, trying not to hurt her, and gently pulled her up off the ground. She screamed. It was a guttural scream, one that made his ears and heart hurt in equal measure. He flinched in surprise and instinctively, his hold on Everest tightened. Her scream dropped an octave at the action. Distantly, he heard the bedroom door slam open and closed, then Alec's pounding footsteps rushing through the apartment. He set that information to the side. He could address it when Alec got to the balcony. He had to focus on Everest right now.
Everest twitched violently, a full body twitch that ended with her no longer inhaling or exhaling.
No, this wasn't happening. She couldn't die. She couldn't. She was too good, she meant too much to people to die. She meant too much to him, to Alec, to die.
"No, no, no. Keep breathing, Cupcake. Take a breath for me, please," he begged, even as Alec slammed the balcony door open so hard the glass shook in its frame. It would probably have to be replaced soon if this kept up. He held up a hand that had Alec stopping midstep.
"What can I do?" his boyfriend asked, rushed and worried and so full of concern for both Everest and Magnus.
"Send a fire message to Caterina Loss. She'll be able to help Everest if I can't," he said. He ignored the pain that radiated through him at the idea of not being able to help Everest, at not being able to save her. He refused to even think that she might die tonight, that she would die in his arms on the balcony of the apartment that was quickly becoming all three of theirs. He had to have hope.
Alec nodded and ran back inside. Magnus's gaze fell back to Everest, whose eyes were vacant even as they tracked something he could not see. He took a deep breath and placed his hands over her chest. He pulled on his magic, on his desire, his need, to heal Everest. His eyes fluttered closed as he focused on healing her.
A sharp inhale had his eyes flying open. The subsequent breaths had him sighing in relief. She was breathing again.
His arms wrapped around her tightly once again. "That's it, Cupcake. Keep on breathing. Stay with me. Please."
He knew far too well that just because she was breathing didn't mean she was clear of whatever was happening to her.
Magnus shifted her so that she was in his lap, partly so that she would hopefully be more comfortable and partly so that she had less of a chance of hitting her head if she moved wrong. That was the wrong move.
Everest began to scream again, harsh and full of pain as it ripped its way out of her throat. The scratches on her face began to bleed and she arched up, nearly falling out of his lap in the process. As it was, the back of her head hit the concrete too hard, blood mixed with tears—both hers and his—beneath her.
Desperation clawed at his throat as he fought the tears that threatened to foil his magic. Blue sparks flew from his right hand around her head, keeping her from bleeding out, as he summoned a healing potion Caterina had given him in case of emergencies with his left. If this didn't count as an emergency, he didn't know what did. He gently poured the mixture down her throat, coaxing her to swallow it with his magic. Slowly, the blood and tears were wiped away with another sweep of his hand, the scratches on her face closing without issue.
He let a rushed, still panicked, sigh escape and vanished the bottle to the kitchen so he could wash and return it to Caterina. His thumb rubbed gentle circles into her elbow as he refrained from sobbing. Just because her physical injuries were healed didn't mean she was out of the woods.
"No!" she screamed suddenly, raw and angry and desperate. Magnus only just managed not to flinch in surprise. "Give it back! Give it to me! It's mine! I deserve it! Give it back!"
"Give what back? What do you deserve? Why do you deserve it?" he asked. He didn't know if he truly wanted the answers or not.
"All of it! Give it back!" She writhed in his arms, nearly launching herself onto the concrete.
"Why?" he cried, arms tightening. He didn't fight the tears that began to fall. He wasn't sure he had the strength to win that fight anyways.
"I deserve it!"
"But why?"
"Because I killed them!" Everest screamed over Magnus's panic and tears and the memories of dying loved ones. "I killed them all and I deserve it!"
"Who did you kill?" he asked, shoving away the memories. This was Everest, not them. She was strong. She had survived so much. She would survive this too. She had to.
"Everyone! I killed everyone I love! I killed my Eloise and my Clary and my mom and my Simon and my Jace and my Izzy and my Roslyn and my Gino and my Alec and my Magnus! They're all dead! I killed them all! It's all my fault! I deserve it!"
Who's Eloise?
Everest continued to writhe in his arms as she screamed, "Give it back! Give it all back! Give it to me!"
She jerked around once more and this time she managed to get out of his arms and onto the ground. She crawled away from Magnus on her hands and knees, stumbling and nearly collapsing. Magnus's tears blurred the sight in front of him. He wasn't sure he could handle the sight of his girlfriend so shattered, so fearful, so destroyed, so hurt, in full vision.
"We're all alive, Cupcake," he said, fruitlessly wiping away tears. "All of us are alive."
"No!" she screeched. "They're all dead! I killed them!"
"I'm right here, and very much alive."
"Stop lying!"
"I'm not lying, Cupcake."
Why couldn't she just look at him? Really look at him and see that he was alive? That he was okay?
"Stop it! You're wrong! They're dead! I killed them! It's my fault!" Her screaming broke off with a sob that ripped out of her, loud and guttural. "I killed them. It's my fault they're dead. I killed them," she sobbed.
She finally stopped moving long enough for him to wrap his arms around her without the risk of hurting her. Magnus pulled Everest into his lap once more. "I'm here, Cupcake. You're alright. You're safe. We're all safe," he whispered in her ear, hoping that all the negative emotions threatening to completely take over him didn't shine through his words..
"They're dead. I killed them. It's my fault. They're dead. I killed them. It's my fault," Everest said over and over and over again in a monotonous voice that had Magnus's worry spiking. Where is Caterina? Where is Alec? "They're dead. I killed them. It's my fault. They're dead. I killed them. It's my fault."
Distantly, the front door slammed open then shut and two sets of footsteps thundered through the apartment towards him. He didn't dare look up. If he looked up, if he looked away from Everest, he might lose her. She might stop breathing again, split her skull open again. But even as he watched her, her eyes fluttered closed. His grip tightened, his tears fell faster.
"No. No. No, no no!" he cried desperately. "No, come on Cupcake. Open your eyes for me. Please! I love you, please don't leave me."
All of the tension, even the tension that had been present long before she learned of her heritage, disappeared. Sobs wracked his frame as he held her body tight to his. The balcony door slammed open and one set of arms wrapped around him while a second took Everest from him.
"No! You can't take her! Please!" he shouted, tears obstructing his vision so much that he could not see who was taking the love of his life from him.
"It's just Caterina," Alec's voice, husky from sleep, said in his ear. "She's going to help Everest, make sure she's okay."
Magnus blinked hard in an attempt to remove the tears from his vision. It didn't work. Caterina and Everest's blurry forms rose from the ground and towards the door. "Where are you going?" he demanded, frantic.
"I'm bringing her somewhere more comfortable than your balcony," Caterina said, ever patient. "I'm setting her in your bed."
"She's going to be okay," Alec said, helping Magnus stand. He guided him inside after Caterina. "She's strong and stubborn and so brave. She's going to be okay. She'll make it through this. We'll make it through this."
Magnus just clung to his boyfriend as they sat down on the couch when Caterina shot them a look that clearly said to stay out of the bedroom. Alec's arms, warm and familiar, wrapped around him with the level of comfort Magnus had tried and failed to give Everest. What could have done that to her? Who could have done that to her? She was so strong, so careful to avoid stray spells or curses. What could have possibly caused that?
When he voiced as much, Alec only sighed, hugged Magnus tighter, and said, "I don't know. But Caterina will figure it out. She'll help Everest get better. We will too."
Magnus could only hope he was right.
Magnus wasn't sure how long he and Alec sat in a tangled pile on the couch, waiting for Caterina to figure out what happened to Everest before the other warlock exited the bedroom, looking exhausted but relieved.
Magnus shot up in an instant, Alec half a second behind him.
"What's happening? Did you figure it out? What happened to her? Who did this to her?" he demanded, revenge plots cycling through his mind and angry stress curling in his lungs.
Caterina sighed. "It's her own mind doing this to her."
"What?" both Alec and Magnus said at once.
She motioned for them to sit down. Neither of them did. She didn't look surprised. "Everest's mind and body are exhausted. I don't know exactly what she's been doing these last few weeks, but it has completely drained her. Everyone reacts to complete exhaustion differently. Some people become hyper aware and barely sleep. Others sleep all the time. Some people become paranoid. Others are more relaxed than they've ever been. Everest apparently deals with complete exhaustion by her mind conjuring nightmares so extreme that they carry into consciousness."
"How do you know?" Alec asked when it became clear that Magnus would not speak.
Caterina sat in one of the armchairs, elegant and graceful even though it was the middle of the night and she had just used who knows how much magic. "When I was examining Everest, her memories...jumped out at me so to speak."
"What do you mean?"
"They, for lack of better words, forced themselves into my mind. I saw parts of her memories of tonight."
"What was her nightmare?" Magnus asked on an exhale.
Caterina shook her head, looking up at the ceiling. When her gaze returned to them, it was full of a sorrow that only immortals could truly understand: the pain of losing everyone you love while not changing at all. Magnus's heart, already in pieces, shattered further. "She dreamt of her worst fear. And it manifested as hallucinations once she woke up."
"Like what?" Magnus wasn't sure he wanted to know. He did, but he didn't at the same time.
Caterina shook her head again. "It's not my place."
Silence fell between them, tense and suffocating as none of them met another's gaze.
"Will she be okay? Will this happen again?" Alec asked at last.
"I—I don't know." She took a deep breath. "I don't know if this will happen again, but I hope not. But for now I've made sure she'll sleep for a while, no dreams or randomly waking up. I don't know if she'll remember anything when she wakes up, or when she'll wake up because of external stimuli. But she will wake up. It'll probably take a day or two, but she will wake up."
"Can we sit with her?" Alec asked, voice thick.
Caterina smiled ever so faintly. "Of course. Just be patient with her. It won't be pretty if she remembers what happened. And let me know when she wakes up so I can do one more check to make sure I didn't miss anything the first time."
"We will."
Caterina squeezed their shoulders as she walked out of the apartment, and as soon as the door closed behind her, Magnus allowed himself to sag into Alec completely and utterly.
"She's going to be fine. She's going to wake up," he whispered, arms wrapping around Alec's.
"Yes she will," he agreed, words tickling the hair around Magnus's ears. "Come on. Let's go lay down with her."
Magnus, completely exhausted and more than a little freaked out still, allowed Alec to guide him to their bedroom, where he stopped dead in his tracks in the doorway.
Everest laid on her back in the center of the bed, faded purple hair splayed out on the pillows. She looked completely at peace, not an ounce of tension in her body as she slept. He'd never seen her that relaxed before, not even sleeping. There was always something going on that caused her to have at least some stress within her.
"C'mon," Alec urged gently.
Magnus, as if on autopilot, crawled into bed beside Everest, Alec on her other side. He didn't think twice before snapping his fingers and using magic to braid her hair. She hated going to bed with her hair down. It got tangled and frizzy and she got too frustrated to deal with it.
"Hey." Magnus looked up at Alec. "You can sleep. You're exhausted."
"But—"
Alec cut him off gently. "I'll stay awake to keep an eye on her, just in case. It'll be fine. She'll be fine. I promise."
Magnus could only hold Alec's gaze for a few more moments before he yawned and gave in. He let his own exhaustion and worry and panic wash over him and lull him into sleep. Alec could take care of Everest. It would be fine. She would be fine.
Trigger Warnings Over
Trigger Warnings for corpses, death, hallucinations continued
...
Trigger Warnings: Corpses, death, hallucinations, self-sabotage, nightmares, discussed attempted suicide, lying, anxiety, overwhelm
Everest woke to Alec and Magnus's soft whispering, the gentle shift of the bed as they got up. She didn't open her eyes, sure they were bloodshot and crusty. She waited for the bedroom door to open and shut again, for their voices to move away from the door, before she opened her eyes. The bedroom was tidier than it had been the night before, though the curtains were closed now. She was in clean pajamas and her hair was braided neatly but loosely. Her body didn't hurt, not like how it had for years now. Her eyes weren't even crusty. She turned to grab her phone to check the time and froze.
Corpses, the corpses, littered the floor she hadn't previously been able to see, each staring blankly at her.
She took a deep breath and grabbed her phone from the nightstand. She refused to scream. She knew how this worked, knew how nightmares like this one worked. She would see the corpses for a few days, maybe a few weeks, but then they'd go away and she'd be fine. At least it was just corpses and not people actively dying like last time. She could handle corpses. It was kinda in the Shadowhunter job description to deal with corpses. The only difference was that no one could see these corpses except her. But that was fine. She could deal with that, she had to deal with that. All she had to do was not look at them, which, while easier said than done, was not impossible. She'd done it before, she could do it again.
She checked the time. Only nine in the morning. It wasn't that late. She could still get to the Institute and only get a few weird looks.
Everest got dressed as quietly as possible, not wanting her boyfriends to think someone had managed to break in. The excessive noise would only make the corpses come closer, like it had with the actively dying people last time. She put on a pair of leggings and one of Alec's hoodies, facing away from the mirror. She didn't want to know what the scars on her stomach looked like after a nightmare like that. She doubled up on fuzzy socks, put her jewelry in the hoodie pocket, and left the bedroom, sliding across the hardwood instead of properly walking. The corpses trailed behind her.
Alec and Magnus fell dead silent when they saw her at the edge of the kitchen. Confusion flashed across their faces for a split second before they both rushed towards her and enveloped her in a tight hug. Hands rubbed against her back, fingers tracing patterns into her skin. Pure love and comfort radiated from every inch of them as they hugged her, and it took all of her control not to cry then and there. She was a mess, a disaster, a hazard. She didn't deserve this much care and love and comfort. Not from people as amazing as them. She didn't deserve this, not when she couldn't control her mind enough to prevent nightmares like the one currently haunting her. It wasn't fair to them to have to deal with her like this. They had their own stuff to deal with, they didn't need this on top of that.
"Hi," she whispered into their chests at last, voice hoarse and ever so slightly painful.
"Morning Cupcake," Magnus said, face pressed into her shoulder.
"Hey, Darling," Alec whispered into her hair. "How are you doing?"
She shrugged as best she could and, in a split second decision that would probably come back to bite her in the ass, said, "I'm fine. Been worse."
They both tensed but instead of saying something about her response, Magnus let go of her. "Do you want coffee? Breakfast?" he asked, already going to the coffee maker.
"Sure," she said, brows furrowing. Why was he acting weird?
Alec did not let go of her, instead he led her over to the counter and hoisted her up to sit on it when she failed the first two tries. He leaned next to her. It was quiet in the kitchen as Magnus bustled around, fixing her coffee and pancakes and toast. The quiet buzzed in Everest's brain, the corpses inching further into the living room as nervous energy filled her.
"Why are you two acting weird?" she burst out at last.
They shared a gaze full of a thousand words she could not decipher just then. Magnus handed her a mug of coffee before Alec spoke.
"What do you remember about last night?"
Death. Everyone was dead. It was all her fault. Izzy hated her. The corpses were everywhere. Pain. Fire. Blood, so much blood. Camille kept laughing, echoed by gunshots. The being took away her pain, took away her punishment.
She remembered everything.
"Nothing."
They shared another look.
"You don't remember anything?" Magnus asked, handing her a plate of plain pancakes.
She tore off a piece and ate it, shaking her head. "Nothing." She took a sip of coffee to stall. "I just remember being weirdly upset and then I woke up in bed and so I came out here. Why?"
Alec took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. "You were so exhausted that you had a nightmare bad enough that you ended up hallucinating when you woke up from it."
Interesting. Nightmares like that usually happened after something traumatic happened. Honestly it was a little surprising it had taken this long for her to have a nightmare like that since learning about the ShadowWorld.
"Weird," she said instead of all that. If she said any of that, they would be more concerned than they already were.
Alec snorted ever so slightly but Magnus's lips didn't so much as twitch. Everest's face fell. Oh shit. Was Magnus the one who found her mid hallucination? Was Magnus the being, the one who took away the pain? Oh fuck.
"What? What's wrong?" Magnus demanded, more serious than she had seen him in a long time.
"I just remembered that I promised Gino I'd go with him to the salon today," she said instead of telling them that she had been pissed at Magnus, who she hadn't realized was Magnus, for taking away the pain that was her punishment.
They looked torn between bewilderment and relief.
"Do you have to go?" Magnus asked, leaning against the island across from Alec and Everest.
"Yeah." No. "The appointment has been scheduled for months and the salon doesn't have a lot of openings so it's really hard to reschedule." There was no appointment. She had cancelled her hair appointment weeks ago because Valentine was attacking the Institute. She just couldn't be in the apartment anymore with the two of them so freaked out. She didn't want to lie to them, but she couldn't tell them the truth, couldn't tell them that she remembered everything, that she was still actively hallucinating.
"When do you need to leave?" Alec asked.
She glanced at the clock on the stove. "Forty minutes. I'm meeting him at his place first since it's closer to the salon." Another lie. She would FaceTime Gino on her way to his apartment to let him know what was happening. He had no clue about her nightmare, or that everything was spiraling enough for her to dye her hair.
Magnus and Alec shared another look.
"I'm fine," she insisted. "I don't remember any of the nightmare and there aren't any side effects from it. I'm fine. I'd tell you if I wasn't."
She diligently ignored the fact that she wasn't technically fine and she wasn't telling them. She'd tell them if it got worse.
Liar, the voice in her head, the voice that was obnoxiously like Camille's, sneered.
She ignored that too.
"I should call Cat," Magnus said. He didn't give either of them a chance to say anything before he turned on his heel, already typing something on his phone.
Everest turned to Alec, concerned. "Is he okay?"
Alec sighed. He didn't look at her, instead staring in the direction Magnus had gone. "Magnus is the one who found you when you were having your nightmare. You were on the balcony, bleeding and shaking. Every time he moved you or tried to help you, you would start screaming." His voice broke and he took a deep breath. "It was terrifying, Everest. You were so out of it. You stopped breathing at one point. You kept screaming about how it was your fault, how you deserved it. We have no idea what you were screaming about exactly, but it was terrifying. We thought you were—we thought that you were dying, Everest. And we had no idea how to help you."
She could not help the gasp that escaped her, nor how her jaw fell without her permission. She just stared at Alec, tears filling her eyes. They didn't deserve that, didn't deserve to have to deal with that. That wasn't fair to them. It was her problem, her burden, not theirs.
"Hey." Her gaze refocused as Alec put his hands on her shoulders. "It is not your fault. You are not a burden, you are not a problem. You are our girlfriend and we love you so, so much. Nothing will ever change that. Not a nightmare, not a war, not you drinking the last of the coffee in the apartment. Nothing. We love you, Everest Dawn Fairchild. Forever and ever."
She could not stop the tears that fell as she buried her face in his chest, sobbing silently. He wouldn't be saying that if he knew the truth, if he knew how fucked up she was. He wouldn't be saying any of that if he knew this wasn't the first time this happened, that she was still hallucinating. He wouldn't be saying that if he knew that her nightmare wasn't entirely wrong, that nearly everything was her fault.
"Fuck," she muttered harshly, catching his shirt in her fists. "Fucking damnit."
"Shh, we've got you," Magnus whispered as he wrapped his arms around her. She hadn't noticed him come back. "We love you, Cupcake. We always will."
She only sobbed harder.
Everest wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, Alec and Magnus wrapped around her as she sobbed on the counter, but when they parted, a woman with vibrant blue skin was sitting on the couch, reading a magazine.
"Who—" she started to ask before she realized she did not have the words to finish the question. She wasn't sure if she was asking who the woman was, or why she had blue skin.
Magnus and Alec turned to look as one.
"Have you been sitting there the whole time?" Magnus asked, eyebrows raised.
"Only for five minutes," the woman said with a smile, the magazine vanishing.
"You're such a creep."
"Says the one who stalked the Queen of England for years."
"It was an accident."
"Whatever you say."
"What?" Everest managed to get out.
Magnus turned, a small smile on his face. "Everest, this is Caterina. She's a good friend of mine and a nurse. She's here to make sure that there are no side effects of last night."
"Oh." Everest took a deep breath. "I'm assuming you're a Warlock and that's why your skin is blue?"
A surprised burst of laughter escaped Magnus, even as Caterina and Alec grew more perplexed by the second.
"Magnus, my glamour is still on, right?"
"It is," Magnus managed to get out. "I forgot that Everest can see through our glamours."
"How?" Alec asked, taking several deep breaths. Magnus patted his arm, still laughing a little. It was good to hear him laugh.
"No clue." Everest shrugged. "Just can."
"Fun." Caterina nodded slowly, looking resigned and only a little surprised. "Shall we start then?"
Everest shrugged again.
Caterina stood and approached her with a kind smile. Alec and Magnus moved to either side of Everest, holding her hands.
"It'll only take a few minutes and then I'll be on my way. I promise," the woman said.
Everest just nodded, anxiety curling in her gut. What if Caterina could somehow tell that she was still hallucinating? What if she could tell that Everest remembered all of last night? What if she could tell this had happened before? What if she told Magnus and Alec?
Caterina's hands sparked a gentle yellow and a comforting warmth filled her. The warmth started at her head and worked its way down to her toes before dissipating. She blinked rapidly. She liked the warmth. She wanted it back. It made the corpses back away.
"Well?" Magnus demanded, clutching Everest's hand tighter.
"As far as I can tell, there are no lingering side effects," Caterina said, though she kept watching Everest like there was a puzzle piece missing.
"Good. That's good right?" Alec said, leaning into Everest slightly.
Caterina's smile returned and she nodded. "Yes, it's good news." She clapped lightly, curiosity still lingering in her eyes. "Well, I'll get out of your hair now. Have a good day. Let me know if anything changes, alright Everest?"
Everest nodded, knowing full well she wouldn't do that.
Caterina waved, smiling warmly, and left the apartment. The room felt lighter, as if a tension she hadn't noticed until it was gone had disappeared. Magnus turned to her, still holding her hand, and smiled. "What do you say we make the most of the time we have until you leave?" he asked. Alec snorted. Magnus rolled his eyes playfully. "Mind out of the gutter, Alexander."
Everest couldn't help her smile or her giggle, that was more of an exhale than anything. Magnus's eyes softened and Alec's thumb rubbed the back of her hand. Another weight left the room. Magnus's shoulders lightened. She was sure Alec's had done the same. If her happiness helped to lighten the room, to get rid of the tension, then she would be as happy as she could, even if she had to lie.
"Come on," Magnus said gently, lovingly. He had her coffee in the hand that wasn't holding hers. "Let's sit."
Magnus led her and Alec to the couch where they sandwiched her between them, her coffee cradled in her hands. Magnus and Alec were practically on top of her; they were touching every part of her they could reach. And not in a sexual or romantic way—in a desperate need to know she was there.
"I'm okay," Everest said when the two scooted closer to her. "I swear. Caterina even said so."
"Cat's magic can't prove that your brain is okay," Magnus said, chin on her shoulder. She was practically horizontal at this point.
"I'm okay," Everest said again. She ignored the way Magnus and Alec's corpses were lying exactly how the three of them were, a space for her inevitable corpse and all.
"Darling, you might feel fine right now—" She really didn't. "—but eventually it's gonna catch up to you and you won't feel fine anymore."
Everest balanced her mug on her stomach, but blue sparks floated it away. "Thanks," she said, before turning to Alec more. He shifted so that his and Magnus's legs were even further tangled with hers. "Yeah, probably. But I don't remember any of the nightmare so I don't think that's gonna be an issue."
"Brains are weird, Cupcake," Magnus muttered.
She snorted, though it got cut short when Alec's corpse shifted, revealing a bullet hole.
Fuck.
"Darling?"
"Cupcake?"
Fuck.
Of course her boyfriends noticed. They were brilliant and observant and loving and now very very concerned. Damn it.
"It's nothing," she said with a smile, fake but small enough that she hoped they wouldn't notice. "I just realized I have to leave in less than five minutes."
Magnus hummed in her ear, tugging her so that she could see him too. He obviously didn't believe her. Neither did Alec, based on his frown.
"Do you have to go?" Magnus pouted, peppering kisses along her jaw.
She let out a laugh that was more of a heavy exhale than anything. "Yes, I do." She sat up, dragging her boyfriends with her since they were so tangled. "I won't be gone that long."
Yes she would. She was completely redoing her hair, which meant bleach, a lot of dye, and a lot of hours in the salon. But if she told them that, they might insist on going with her so that they didn't have to let her out of their sight. She needed to leave, to get out of the apartment. She needed something that had always been familiar, not just recently.
"Fine," Magnus said, pouting.
"I'll be back before you know it," Everest said, another small, fake smile on her face. She stood after a few failed attempts at untangling herself.
"I'll walk you," Alec said, standing too. Magnus followed him. They got up far more gracefully than she had. "Gino's is on the way to the Institute, yeah?"
It wasn't. They were all very aware of it, the other two having gotten the address from a confused Simon weeks ago, but she didn't say that. It would only concern them more if she refused to let Alec walk with her. They'd think that she wasn't actually going to get her hair done, that she wasn't really going to Gino's. She was doing both those things, but she also just needed to get away from the apartment.
"Okay," she agreed quietly, forcing a smile that she was hoping didn't turn into a grimace. She had wanted to be alone, to breathe on her own and listen to her post breakdown/nightmare playlist on her own. She couldn't say that, though, not without causing even more stress and worry and panic onto their shoulders.
"I'll see you later," Magnus said, wrapping his arms around her tightly. She returned the hug just as tight. "I love you so much, Cupcake. Always will."
"I love you too, mon rayon de paillettes," she whispered, letting her chin rest on his shoulder for a moment.
She let go and started putting on her jewelry to hopefully feel less raw and exposed while Magnus and Alec said goodbye. She pretended that she didn't see their worried looks or concerned whispers.
Soon they were leaving the apartment, walking hand in hand along the New York streets to Gino's. Every few minutes, Everest saw Alec look at her, mouth opening and closing like he wanted to say something, but he never did, even though it was clear as day that it was all but physically hurting him to walk in silence after what had happened that morning. So every time it happened, she would squeeze his hand and offer him her best fake smile. His smile filled with more pain and concern every time he offered it to her.
The silence was deafening, suffocating.
Still, they said nothing until they got to Gino's door.
"Everest."
She stopped, the doorknob turned halfway and her heart beating too hard, too fast. Alec was watching her, an expression unmistakable for anything but pain and worry burning a hole in her heart. She couldn't handle that much concern, especially not with it built up like Alec's was. "Yeah?"
"You know we're always here for you, right? No matter what. If you need us at any point for any reason, just let us know and we'll be there right away."
"Yeah," she said quietly. "I know."
That was why she wouldn't call them, why she couldn't tell them what was happening. They would drop everything for her, as she would for them, just to be there for her. They couldn't afford to drop everything just because she had a nightmare that was a little more intense than her usual ones. (They still didn't know about her near nightly nightmares, and it would stay that way for as long as possible.) The ShadowWorld was still at risk of being destroyed, they didn't have time to drop everything for her. They had things to do, meetings to have, clients to work with. They didn't have time to spare, especially not because of her.
"I love you," Alec said, wrapping her in one last hug. Blank eyes stared at her from over his shoulder.
"Love you too," she whispered, squeezing tight for a moment before opening the door to Gino's apartment. She didn't look back. She wasn't sure she could handle looking back.
"Oh, Shots," Gino said when Everest closed the door. He was sitting on the counter with a cup of coffee and a slice of rainbow cake beside him. She stepped into his open arms and almost cried then and there. She didn't want to cry, not again. That was too much energy, energy she didn't have. "Coffee?"
"Please," she said, shifting so that she was sitting on the counter instead of leaning against her friend.
It was quiet as Gino fixed her a large coffee, swaying slightly to the music that filled the apartment with a gentle atmosphere. She took the offered travel mug and gripped it like a lifeline, sipping it slowly. The heat of the drink warmed her ever so slightly, just enough that the tightness in her mouth and jaw loosened even as the corpses settled in the living room.
"Hair day?" Gino asked once he settled next to her, though they both knew it wasn't a question. Any time Everest had ever shown up at his apartment looking like she had run a marathon while single handedly destroying armies and continuously staring at something he couldn't see, the two of them had gone to a salon to get her hair dyed. This was no exception.
"Hair day," she agreed.
Gino hummed and took a bite of his cake. They sat there for a while, just existing together, until their coffee was done and Gino had finished off his cake. He hopped off the counter and held his hands out to her. She took them with only a little hesitation. He twirled her around the opening notes of Skillet's Those Nights rang through the apartment.
I remember when
We used to laugh
About nothing at all
It was better than going mad
From trying to solve all the problems we're going through
Forget 'em all
'Cause all those nights we would stand and never fall
Together we faced it all
Remember when we'd
She hummed along as they stumbled their way through another spin in an effort to get into the living room where there was more space. She closed her eyes and let the memories wash over her.
Stay up late and we'd talk all night
In a dark room lit by the tv light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive
Memories of sitting side by side on windowsills, talking about anything and everything through the night. Memories of empty mugs stained with coffee laying on their side beside them as she and Gino cried together.
We'd listen to the radio play all night
Didn't want to go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive
All the nights that Everest wouldn't go home, couldn't go home, because of the memories within the apartment. The nights that Everest knew she wouldn't make it to see the sunrise if she wasn't with someone who understood.
I remember when
We used to drive
Anywhere but here
As long as we'd forget our lives
We were so young and confused that we didn't know
To laugh or cry
Those nights were ours
They will live and never die
Together we'd stand forever
Remember when we'd
All the times they had taken Luke's truck or Simon's van and drove as far away from New York as they could before the sun rose. The times they had to pull over because they were crying or laughing too hard. The times they just sat on the side of the road or in the farmhouse driveway, singing, talking, crying, or even all three. The nights they had spent together because they knew what it felt like to go through the pain they experienced daily.
Those nights belong to us
There's nothing wrong with us
The years they had spent convincing each other that they weren't wrong or sick for being the way they are. The time spent screaming at the world for making them think that they were wrong and sick for being who they are.
I remember when
We used to laugh
And now I wish those nights would last
Everest couldn't help the bitter laugh that escaped her. Oh how she wished she could go back to the days where her biggest problems were whether or not her mom still loved her after coming out and if she could convince her sister and Simon to go on adventures with her.
"Same, Shots. Fucking same," Gino said with a wet chuckle.
She smiled into his shoulder, his nose buried in her hair, for several more minutes before they untangled themselves and got ready to go to the salon.
"How do you feel about Raphael meeting us there?" Gino asked as they hailed a taxi.
"I'm down," she said, slowly. "Why do you have his number?"
"We paired up to look for you when Number One Dad had you."
Despite the reminder of her time on Valentine's ship, she snorted at the jab and reference to Clary's glamour of the Mortal Cup, accepting the answer at its face value. She didn't have the energy to decipher any hidden meanings. Besides, Gino and Raphael would be cute together. Even if there were other reasons for Raphael to meet them at the salon, she could use the appointment to get them to spend time together. So she just shrugged and followed Gino into the taxi.
On the way over, Gino called ahead and asked if there were any walk-ins available while Everest texted Izzy.
Sunny:
I don't know if Alec or Magnus has told you, but I'm not gonna be at the Institute today
Shit happened so I'm going to be with Gino for most of the day probably
I'm really sorry for dumping my work on you all and for not helping when everything is as chaotic as it is
Izzy replied almost immediately. She was great like that.
Dusk:
I got the gist, but no details
Take all the time you need, Sunny. No one is gonna judge you for needing time to yourself
Stay safe and send me proof of life pics every once in a while, yeah?
Sunny:
I will
You better stay safe and send proof of life pics too
Love you
Dusk:
I will
Love you too
Everest paid the driver before Gino could even pull out his wallet when they got to the salon. The boy rolled his eyes but followed her inside. Within minutes they were settled in chairs, the corpses settled in the back corner, Gino having decided on a whim to dye the ends of his hair a deep red, and Raphael was walking into the windowless room with two coffees, one normal sized and the other obnoxiously large.
"Phae, you're my favorite person ever," Everest said earnestly, accepting the hug Raphael offered.
"As you're my favorite, Escritora," Raphael said, smiling and settling onto a small couch.
"Love you two too," Gino huffed, even as he drank the coffee Raphael had brought for him.
"You know I love you," Everest said, watching the two carefully. Gino's tone was a little too flippant for the way he watched Raphael so intently, as if looking for a reaction from the vampire. The vampire who was diligently not looking at Gino whatsoever, and instead sitting all prim and proper and stiff as he stared at a Pink Floyd poster.
Just as the room started to become unbearably tense, Everest and Gino's usual hairdressers walked in, both with pins that said 'Vampire, darkness only fuckers.'
"You're fucking kidding me," Everest deadpanned, her face meeting her hands with a loud smack.
Raphael snorted.
"Not happy to see us are you?" Lawali, a Black vampire who had once managed to snap Everest out of a panic attack by reciting 100 digits of pi, drawled, tying an apron around his waist.
"If I didn't have to update my fucking PowerPoint, then yeah I would be happy to see you two," Everest groaned.
"PowerPoint?" Aisha said, laughing as she grabbed the hair bibs for Everest and Gino. Her split dye neon pink and yellow coils bounced with her laughter. "You hate Microsoft."
"The Institute and Idris run off of Microsoft," Everest despaired. "I fucking hate it."
Gino grinned as he cut in, "The first time she had to use the Shadowhunters' tech, she called me in tears because she hates using Microsoft."
"It's too many hidden buttons!"
"Why are you willingly making a PowerPoint then?"
"Shots decided to keep her promise to her brother to make a PowerPoint about who she knew from this world before she knew about this world," Gino explained. "She spent hours updating it the other day."
"You're a dumbass sometimes," Lawali teased.
"Your band aid is falling off, bitch," Everest snarked, crossing her arms under the bib, her coffee still held like the lifeline it was.
The man startled, hands flying to his nose to make sure his Mickey Mouse band aid, which he wore as an accessory, wasn't actually falling off. He shot her a glare, which she returned with a halfhearted sneer, before getting to work on Gino's hair.
"What're we wanting for the next month or two?" Aisha asked, playing with Everest's hair as she pulled up her reference photos. She was incredibly aware how rare it was for Everest's hair to have been the same color this long, especially since she had been her stylist since she was nine or so.
"You're going to hate me but you're going to be so proud when you're done."
The vampire laughed. "Ooh, that's ominous. I'm excited."
Everest showed the woman the reference pictures she had pulled from Pinterest. "I'm also down to lighten or darken the colors depending on how the purple lifts out."
"I'd be surprised if it doesn't lift almost entirely. It's nearly gone."
Everest laughed, more genuine than it would have been even thirty minutes ago. "I don't think anyone but you, Gino, and Clary would be able to tell that it's mostly strawberry blonde now."
"Most of the others haven't seen you with your natural hair," Gino cut in. "It's also all tinted purple-ish and your life has been kind of a disaster lately so there's no reason for them to notice."
"All of our lives have," Raphael deadpanned.
"Fucking facts," Lawali said.
The windowless salon room (which really should have been a dead giveaway years ago that something was even just a little off with Aisha and Lawali) was soon full of mindless conversation, the smell of hair dye and bleach, and Disney soundtracks playing softly through the speakers. Every other time she would glance at Raphael or Gino, she'd see them looking at each other, though never when the other was watching. It simultaneously amused her and made her want to murder someone. Could they really not see that the interest was mutual? Would she have to lock them in a room until they had a real conversation like she had to do to Roslyn back in highschool? She really hoped not. It wasn't that fun.
As the hours progressed, Everest's shoulders and jaw loosened. Laughter came easier, her eyes stopped drifting to the corpses as often. She wasn't healed or fixed—she still constantly wanted to cry, her mind still spun even faster than normal, and the corpses were still there—but things were better than they had been before she sat in the salon where she had spent the equivalent of eleven and a half months of her life in. It wasn't good, but it was better.
"What do you think?" Everest asked Raphael and Gino, who had been done for nearly an hour by then. She shook her head back and forth to show off the full spectrum of colors in her hair.
Gino wolf-whistled and Raphael snapped with a proud, loving expression on his face.
"You're stunning," Gino said, wrapping her in a one-armed hug. "Absolutely motherfucking stunning."
"You look—I can't even describe it," Raphael said, wrapping his arm around her other side. "Escritora, you look happy, truly happy and alive again."
She looked at herself in the mirror, truly looked at herself in a way she hadn't let herself all day in fear of falling back into old mindsets. Raphael was...right. With her new, vibrant, in your face hair back to above her shoulders where she liked it, she looked more alive. The blues brought out the shades in her eyes that usually didn't shine as much, the pink bringing out the rosiness in her face that her freckles usually covered. The length and layers framed her face in a way most anything longer didn't, making her look her age or a little older instead of like a little kid playing dress up. She looked alive, if nothing else. But she looked happier too, even if she wasn't as happy or content with things as she would be in an ideal world, despite very little of the current ShadowWorld being 'ideal.'
She bit her lip to keep from crying and as one, Gino and Raphael pulled her into a tight hug, rubbing her back and tracing patterns into her arms and just letting her exist in her emotions. She didn't cry, she didn't think it was physically possible for her to cry anymore, but her shoulders shook and throat burned with tears anyway. They didn't comment on it, nor did they comment on her continued shaking even as she and Gino paid and the three left, Raphael using the tunnel system that vampires had been using to get around the state during daylight hours for decades. For that, she was so incredibly grateful. She wasn't sure she could handle that commentary quite yet.
"You wanna go back to your boyfriends or to my place to chill and do makeup and get dressed in something that'll help make you feel even more stunning than you already are? We can also go get food or coffee or something, or just cuddle and shit talk the Clave too?" Gino offered, well aware that days like this required two options at most.
"Your place," she said, and waited while Gino gave the driver the address. "I'm down to get cute and eat food and shit talk the Clave?"
"I was hoping you'd say that," said Gino with a grin. She could already see him running through options in his head. "You do makeup and I do outfits?"
"As long as we combine our skills for food."
"Sounds like a sound deal to me, Shots."
"Pleasure doing business with you, G."
They shared a smile and the driver chuckled from up front.
Trigger Warnings Over
Corpses, death, hallucination trigger warnings still apply
...
"Insane idea," she started, looking up from Gino's brilliantly massive (and so colorful that Everest nearly cried from the rush of dopamine it gave her) makeup collection, "but what if we recreate our cosplays from when we were like eleven and just make them better because now we know how to do makeup. But we should swap who we are because my hair doesn't fit who I was then."
Gino's face lit up and he scrambled to his closet for the clothes and accessories. "It wouldn't even take as long as it did then either because it's all still assembled because we were lazy ass kids who figured that it'd be fine."
"I mean, we weren't wrong."
As he dug out the costumes and accessories, Everest got to work on pulling up their Pinterest board from years ago and picking out what makeup she would use to create the looks.
"I'm so fucking glad that I basically live here when the world isn't disintegrating around us," Everest said, pulling out her shade of foundation and concealer.
"I'm so fucking glad that we're the same size in everything but shoes," Gino said, eyeing the lack of size difference in the costumes.
Everest just chuckled. "You're doing your own base makeup by the way. I'll do eyes and lips and drama and stuff, but you're doing your base. I hate doing other people's base makeup."
Gino shrugged and continued picking out accessories for their outfits.
...
"We look fucking etherial," Everest said emphatically as she and Gino stood side by side in front of the mirror.
"You bet your fine ass we do," he said smugly. "Pictures in the alley?"
"How about the alley and Central Park? Then we can go to McDonalds and scare the mundanes there with how hot we look."
"I'm down."
Gino and Everest laughed through their photoshoot, even as their headpieces—a tiara of sun rays and a crown of stars respectfully—clinked together and nearly fell onto the dirty alley ground. They laughed as the clasps on Everest's constellation patterned corset hooked onto Gino's sun belt, and as their blouses—golden and black mesh respectfully—shifted just right to reveal the glitter on their collarbones. They laughed as Everest failed to climb a tree in Central Park, and as a group of seven year olds dressed in blow up dinosaur costumes at a birthday party asked them to do a photoshoot with them.
Neither of them hesitated to jump right into a second, even more chaotic photoshoot once they were sure the adults were comfortable with it, fully embracing the minor anarchy and allowing the childrens' joy to fuel their own. The children's joy only got louder and more tangible when they realized they were using a professional camera to take the pictures. Everest and Gino even brought all of the adults into the photos at one point or another as the children laughed and squealed in delight, screaming "Anarchy!" at the top of their lungs.
Despite their insistence that it wasn't necessary, the combined determination of the children and adults managed to convince Everest and Gino to stay for cake.
"You've made their year," Nekesa said, smiling tenderly at the children oohing over her son's, Aamadu, gifts. "It's the least we can do to have you stay for cake."
And so they stayed, and when they did leave, the children and adults teamed up to convince them to each take a dinosaur themed goody bag. They waved goodbye to the party after Everest had gotten Nekesa's number so they could send her the photos once they were edited. It was only when they were several blocks away that they realized the adults had slipped several twenties into the bags while they weren't looking, despite their protests that they didn't need to be paid.
"Well fuck," she muttered, shaking her head even as she smiled at the sneakiness.
"It'd be rude to go back now, wouldn't it?" Gino said, also looking torn between exasperation and pride. She shrugged rather hopelessly.
And that was that.
They ate lunch at McDonalds and took pictures with several more people before going back to Gino's to change into less intense clothes. They kept their jewelry and makeup, though they put their headpieces away so they didn't accidentally break. With Everest's corset, suit jacket patterned like the night sky, and suit pants swapped for navy slacks, a dark blue halter top patterned with stars, the same black mesh long sleeve she had been wearing, and a black leather jacket with space themed pins, she lounged on Gino's bed while he tried to figure out an alternative outfit.
"Bell sleeves or jacket?" he asked, words muffled by clothes.
"Jacket," she called back. "The soft yellow one that has matching pants."
"I like the way you think."
She smiled and waited for him to show her his outfit choice. "Glowing, G. Absolutely glowing."
"And you, Shots, are positively luminous," he said, pulling her from the bed and spinning her around.
She laughed and dipped him in turn. He grinned and in an instant they were dancing around the apartment to no particular rhythm. They spun and leapt and laughed and grinned until they were in the hall, grabbing their bags on their way out. They used each other for stability as they laughed hard enough that those they passed smiled fondly at them, no doubt thinking of them as a couple. The thought only made them laugh harder. They laughed the entire way to Magnus's apartment. (Everest decidedly ignored the juxtaposition of the walk to Magnus's being so happy and full of life, when the one from Magnus's was so dull and tense.)
They stopped outside the door, flushed from laughing and spinning around even through their makeup, and grinned at each other.
"Sometimes change is good," Gino said in a mock sage voice, though there was a dash of sincerity mixed in.
"Eh," she said, shrugging slightly. "Only when it comes to our hair."
He laughed and pulled her into a hug, tight and comforting without being overwhelming. "I love you so much Shots, and I'm only a few minutes away if you need me. Raphael, Magnus, Izzy and the rest of your Shadowhunters are too. Meliorn is even closer than the rest of us and will be there if you want him there, even if he doesn't always admit it," he whispered in her ear. "And I'm always down to do makeup and photoshoots and go to fast food restaurants in full glam whether or not the world is in chaos."
"I love you too, G," she whispered back. "Same to you, yeah? And thanks for everything, but especially putting up with my bullshit and me dragging you to the salon for hours at a time."
He laughed again. "It's always an adventure. I love it. It gives me life."
She smiled and they untangled themselves, giggling like school children when their necklaces ended up as one. They managed to separate the necklaces, though not without almost giving up several times, and Everest waited until Gino was out of sight to enter the apartment.
Trigger Warnings: Subtly explicit sensuality
"Honey, I'm home!" she called into the apartment with a lightness that was only somewhat fake—if nothing else, it was far more real than it would have been earlier.
Magnus's laugh, loud and bright, echoed through the apartment. Her shoulders relaxed as she set her bag on the entryway table. At least he wasn't calling her out for being gone so long. "In here!"
"So specific," she teased, even though she could see the edge of his sleeve around the corner of the room he did all of his potions and experimental magic in.
"Hi mon rayon de paillettes," she said, wrapping her arms around him from behind and resting her chin on his shoulder. She glanced at the book he was taking notes on. She restrained the urge to shake her head. Of course it was a comparison of modern Shadowhunter rituals and ancient mundane ones. They'd briefly talked about the similarities weeks ago and he had been researching it between clients ever since.
"Hi Cupcake," he said softly, hands coming up to settle on top of hers. "How are you?"
"Much better," she said. It wasn't even a lie. She was much better than she had been that morning, even if still actively hallucinating corpses might not be what most considered better. "Fresh air and the chemical smell of bleach and hair dye did me a lot of good."
He laughed again, quieter which she appreciated. "I'm glad."
He stood and turned in one smooth motion so that he was facing her, leaving her arms draped over his shoulders and his own around her waist under her jacket. She braced slightly, waiting for a reaction to both her hair color and the rest of her appearance.
Magnus was quiet for too long. Her chest twisted as her lungs burned with lack of oxygen. She didn't dare take a breath and disturb whatever was going through his mind. He looked her up and down, hands still on her waist, and emotions flitting across his face too fast for her to recognize.
"Thoughts?" she asked, too quiet from lack of air and too fast from anxiety.
"If I kiss you, will I smudge your makeup?" he asked at last.
She laughed, shocked and bewildered and so utterly relieved. The comment was so completely Magnus that it was worth all the anxiety around his reaction to her changing her hair color.
"Mon rayon de paillettes, my makeup has survived training, missions, and babysitting one after the other. If it can survive all that, I think it'll survive your kisses."
He grinned, playful and daring and so very Magnus. It was good to see him happy again after everything that had happened recently. "Oh yeah?" He leaned towards her, eyes dancing.
"Yeah," she whispered on an exhale, smiling playfully. Every once in a while, usually after something more stressful than usual happened, she forgot about the less PG parts of her relationships with Magnus and Alec. They were always quick to remedy that, and it seemed Magnus wasn't going to break the streak now.
His grin grew as he leaned down even more, hands moving to hold her by her hips. Everest tilted her head up, closing the distance, but Magnus broke the kiss in just a few moments. Instead he peppered kisses along her jaw until he reached her ear. He paused to look at her, gently asking, "Is this okay?"
She nodded, fingers catching in the ends of his hair. "More than okay," she said. Her lips curled teasingly. "What do you say we even out the leverage?"
Magnus's eyes darkened and his hands slid even further down to hoist her up into his arms. "Where to, sayang?"
"Wherever you want," she said without hesitation.
Magnus didn't waste another moment before carrying her to the nearest stable surface, which happened to be the kitchen island. He set her down gently, lovingly, hands slipping between her halter top and mesh long sleeve. He started his train of kisses again, working from where her jaw and earlobe met to her collarbone in a steady line. Shivers ran through her spine as Magnus carefully, skillfully, worked the area beside her jugular above her neckline. She inhaled sharply, making him grin. It was her turn to grin when she put pressure on the muscles at the base of Magnus's neck and he gasped with enough force for her to recapture his lips with her own. Her hands trailed from his neck, down his arms, to his abdomen. Her fingers traced aimless shapes onto his skin, his hands slipping beneath her mesh shirt.
"How far are we going?" she asked between kisses.
"As far as we're both comfortable," he said, breathing heavily. "That said, I'm quite alright with clothes being optional."
"Me too," she said. "But remember, no stomach."
"I won't," he assured her.
"Thank you."
She barely managed to get the words out before Magnus was tugging at the halter top. She lifted her arms and as soon as it was being tossed aside, he inhaled sharply.
"No bra?"
"No bra," she confirmed. "Your turn."
She worked the buttons on Magnus's white shirt on her own, Magnus's hands alternating between being beneath the mesh and just barely slipping under her waistband. His eyes gleamed gold when his shirt joined hers on the floor and she immediately began running both her hands and mouth over the exposed skin. His hands worked their way fully under her shirt and his nails dug into her shoulders ever so slightly. She grinned against his chest and worked her way back up to his lips.
She gasped as Magnus dragged her collar down enough to see the silver glitter on her collarbone. He smirked. "Cute."
"And safe to consume," she said cheekily, hands tangling in his hair.
"You're amazing," he said emphatically, not wasting another moment before doing his very best to rid her skin of glitter.
When he slowed ever so slightly, Everest guided him back up to her face where she drew him into a rather forceful kiss. An angry sound that was distinctly cat-like sounded to Everest's left and she turned her head sharply. Church sat on the back of the couch, tail puffed up as he glared at Magnus. Everest laughed and Magnus finally looked over.
"I think he's jealous," Everest joked, drawing Magnus's attention back to her.
"Shall we take this elsewhere?" he suggested. "Somewhere with less cats."
She laughed again as she hopped down from the island and guided Magnus to the bedroom by the hand. She grinned playfully as the door closed behind them and his eyes darkened. "Where were we?"
"Right here," Magnus whispered heatedly, before his lips crashed into hers once more.
If she hadn't been a goner before, she was then.
Trigger Warnings Over
Corpses, death, hallucination trigger warnings continue
...
Trigger Warnings: Corpses, death, hallucinations, anger, anxiety, mentions of abusive family, discussions of attempted suicide
While Magnus took advantage of the few hours he had left between clients by dozing, Everest showered and dressed in the same clothes she had been wearing when she arrived at Magnus's in, though she did swap the slacks for black jeans with large enough rips that she could comfortably sit however she wanted. She wanted the pockets that came with wearing jeans more than she wanted the vibe of slacks. (She would, however, like to know when what had to be at least half her wardrobe had migrated to Magnus's because she was fairly sure she hadn't left that many clothes at the apartment.) She had been delightfully smug when her makeup lasted until she showered, after which she redid it just because she could.
She put on her headphones and hit play on the playlist she always listened to after a nightmare like the one she had earlier—the nightmare she was still having—so that she could make dinner. She flinched when the corpses became visible once more as she closed the fridge. She had been too distracted to pay attention to them before and it seemed that they were rectifying that immediately. She took a deep, steadying breath and gripped the counter to ground herself.
It was just a figment of her imagination. It was just a hallucination. There weren't actual corpses in the living room. Real corpses couldn't move on their own, couldn't follow her across the city. It was all in her head.
She had to believe that. She couldn't not believe that.
Not believing it, believing that it was something other than her causing the corpses, would cause her to spiral. Spiraling would only make it harder to mask the lingering side effects of the nightmare. Not masking as well would cause Magnus and Alec to worry more. Them worrying more would mean that the others who hopefully didn't know the details of what had happened last night wouldn't find out.
It was just her trauma manifesting. That's all it was.
It had to be.
She took another deep breath before turning her music up even louder and started dinner. She chopped vegetables, pan fried chicken, cut up greens, and mixed up a dressing. She could have used one of the dressings in the fridge, but she needed another thing to focus on and making dressing worked just fine to distract her. She tossed the salad in her bowl, setting it aside before slicing strawberries to go with her dinner. She poured herself a glass of the ginger ale she had snuck into the fridge weeks ago—all the while bemoaning the fact that she hadn't been able to find the 'extra bold' variety recently—and sat on the couch with her lunch when Magnus finally exited the bedroom.
He was dressed far more extravagantly than before, though he looked concerned too. She really hoped he wouldn't ask more questions about how she was doing after the nightmare. She didn't like lying to him, or Alec, but it would be worse if she told the truth. His concern faded, for the most part at least, when he found her.
"Hey," she said with a small, only somewhat forced smile. The corpses jump scaring her had freaked her out more than they had any right to.
"Hey," he said, leaning down to press a kiss to her cheek, smiling. "Can I have a bite?"
She held up the bite of salad she had been about to eat for him to try. Thankfully, he chewed while he was moving around the couch to sit next to her so she didn't have to hear the noise.
"It's good," he said. "Tangy and sweet. I like it."
She smiled and nodded towards the kitchen. "There's more in the kitchen if you'd like some."
He smiled brightly and stood up again. "I'll take you up on that."
Everest just followed him into the kitchen with her drink in hand, leaning on the island. "What's with the swirly shirt? You don't usually wear those for clients."
He shrugged as he grabbed a bowl and started fixing himself a salad. "The client I have coming in a few hours is new in town and it's never hurt anyone to make a good first impression."
Everest hummed. "Makes sense. Apples or strawberries?"
"Apples please."
She nodded and started cutting up an apple. They worked in comfortable silence as the noises of the street below filtered into the apartment and mixed with the gentle noises of them preparing food. Eventually they sat back down on the couch and ate their dinner, making mindless conversation that Everest made sure stayed as far away from her nightmare as possible. Once they finished eating and washing the dishes, Everest sat on the couch catching up on notifications while Magnus prepared for his client. The apartment was quiet, even with music filling the space words didn't, and for that Everest was grateful. She wasn't sure she could deal with more talking just then, even with someone she loved and trusted as much as Magnus.
Magnus's hand brushed her shoulder as he passed her to answer the door. She didn't pay much attention to his conversation with his client. At least not until she heard a too familiar name.
"So, Roslyn, what brings you to New York?"
Everest tensed, her hand hovering over the call button just in case she needed Gino. There were countless Roslyns in New York. It couldn't be her Roslyn, could it?
Please no. Please no. Please no. Please no. Please no. Please no. Please no. Please no.
"I grew up around here with some of my best friends. After everything fell apart I left for Europe. Once I was turned, I promised myself that I would return as soon as I was safe for others to be around. So here I am," a too familiar voice said, deliberately vague in such a specific way that immediately sounded bells of love and alarm through Everest's mind.
Fucking shit.
It was her Roslyn.
Everest took several deep, grounding breaths before turning her phone off and walking into the kitchen to get a glass of water. She chugged the water, filled the glass again, drank half of it, and then took another deep breath.
"I can handle this. It's not like she's going to talk to me. She's here as Magnus's client, not to talk to me. It'll be fine. I can deal with it. I'll just go sit in the bedroom until she leaves just in case. I've got this," she mumbled, standing straight after another moment of panic.
Before she lost her nerve, Everest speed walked towards the bedroom with her water glass held tight to her chest.
However, there was one fatal flaw in her plan: she had to go past both the entryway and Magnus's experiment room to get to the bedroom.
"Everest?" someone said, incredulously.
It was Roslyn.
"Fuck," she muttered, turning around to face a confused Magnus and hopeful Roslyn, standing there in baggy jeans, a yellow shirt, and the white shoes that she and Everest had bought together so they matched back when they were thirteen. "Yes?"
"I've missed you," Roslyn said, a small, barely there smile on her face.
Everest wanted to say that she missed her too. She wanted to hug her. She wanted to cry into her shoulder. She wanted to get coffee and muffins with her like they used to. She wanted to catch up with Roslyn. She wanted to say she loved her. She wanted her best friend—her sister—back.
Everest was silent, simply staring.
Roslyn winced, looking away.
Magnus looked between them, eyebrows raised.
No one said anything for nearly a minute.
"What is going on?" Magnus asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence.
"We know each other," Everest said shortly, both due to the tension in her chest and to see if Roslyn would elaborate on what she said.
"Obviously," Magnus drawled. "How do you know each other? Did you used to date and had a bad break up? Did you have sex with the other's partner? Did you not invite her to your birthday in middle school? Did you punch her? What happened?"
Everest just raised her eyebrows when Roslyn finally looked at her again, caramel strands falling into her face. Would Roslyn tell him what happened, or would Everest have to?
Roslyn sighed. "A few months ago—"
Everest scoffed. "It was the day Jace and I got kidnapped by Valentine."
"—yes, it was the day Everest got kidnapped by Valentine," Roslyn agreed, no longer looking at Everest, but instead at the space between Everest and Magnus. "My abusive cult of a family found me after years of being as far away from them as possible, and so I left to keep everyone I love safe. It didn't exactly go over very well with Everest."
Magnus looked over at Everest when she scoffed again, indescribable fury rushing through her. It really was not her day to control her emotions. It really wasn't her day at all. "You're forgetting the part where you got turned into a vampire while on the run, your family is working for Valentine, and how your brother tried to kill me several times while I was kidnapped. You're also forgetting the part where you show up at the fight with Valentine where the Soul Sword got activated after being turned, only coming back to New York because your brother was going to be at said battle and you wanted to get your revenge by killing him, you called me immediately after the battle and all but admitted the only reason you contacted me is because you saw me at the battle. You're also forgetting the part where you haven't contacted me or Gino at all since then, and you've essentially gone out of your way to ignore the fact that we exist."
"Everest—" Magnus tried, but Roslyn cut him off.
"You're right, Everest, I didn't mention any of that. You know why? Because I wish none of it had happened!" Roslyn seethed. "Okay? I wish I could take it all back. I wish I kept in contact with you. I wish my family wasn't working for Valentine, or that my brother tried to kill you. I wish the first time we talked in months wasn't a fight right after the fiasco with the Soul Sword. But you know what I don't wish I could change? That I was at the fight in the Institute. You know why? Because otherwise you would be dead! And I couldn't handle it if you were dead, even if you hate me. I couldn't handle that."
Everest's grip tightened on her water glass. "Did you even think about how I would feel if you were dead? If you were Angel knows where on the run from your cult of a family and you just died? If you were kidnapped? You could be dead in a fucking ditch or drained in an alleyway in Ireland or something and no one would have a clue! You say you couldn't handle it if I were dead, but did you ever think about if I could handle it if you were dead? If Gino and Ryan and your adopted parents could handle it? If Clary and Simon and Luke could handle it? I bet you fucking didn't so I'll just fucking tell you. None of us could handle it if you died. None of us. You didn't think, you just left! It was like you could just pretend all the years you've spent in New York didn't happen. Well, news flash: they did happen and none of us can fucking forget even if we wanted to!"
"I did think!" Roslyn roared, fists clenching. "That's why I fucking left! If any of my family found Ryan and Mom and Dad, they'd kill them immediately. The only reason Cyprus didn't kill you, the only reason why my family and Gino and Clary and Simon and Luke, is because they know you guys could be used as leverage against me, and against you should Valentine say so. Okay? I left to keep you safe! To keep you all safe! And I'm fucking sorry if you're mad that I love you, but I don't regret leaving, not if it kept keep you safe, even just a little bit."
"Look how well that worked out," Everest sneered, rolling her shoulders back and diligently ignoring the corpses growing even more solid by the second. "I've almost been killed at least a dozen times since you left, not including when I almost committed, on purpose and accident. Such a great job keeping me safe."
Magnus inhaled deeply and she watched him freeze from the corner of her eye. It was probably because it was the first time she had actually admitted to almost committing since their talk the day after the party, which she and Clary had been referring to as the 'party in the US of mess.' She definitely had not actively admitted to almost committing while she was having her nightmare.
Roslyn, however, started to go towards Everest as if to hug her, but stopped. Instead she took a step backwards, fidgeting with her bracelets. She stared at Everest with wide eyes, mouth opening and closing like a cartoon fish.
Everest didn't know what else she could say or do. She was fairly sure Roslyn hadn't known about her almost committing, but Magnus was aggressively aware. She pushed away the tears that threatened to fall when she realized Magnus was the only reason she hadn't succeeded either time. She wasn't sure who to comfort, much less how. She wanted to comfort both of them, but Roslyn didn't know the full story and Everest wasn't keen on hashing it all out again. On the other hand, comforting Magnus would require her to reassure him that she was planning to live as long as possible. She wasn't sure it was possible to comfort either of them, even if she could get over her anger long enough to comfort Roslyn.
"I—I didn't—I'm—" Roslyn cut herself off. She tucked a chunk of hair behind her ear, picked at invisible lint on her shirt. Roslyn's waxy corpse shifted so that it was beside its living counterpart, staring in blank fear at Everest. "I can't fix what's already happened," she said at last, "but I can promise to do better moving forward. If you'll let me, that is. And you don't have to, really. I'd understand if you didn't."
Everest took a deep breath.
Roslyn watched Everest with glossy eyes, gnawing on her cheek.
Magnus's hand was warm and soft on her arm, grounding her and reminding her that no matter what happened with Roslyn, he was there.
She wanted Roslyn back in her life, she really did. She wanted her hugs and cuddles. She wanted the bacon and coffee and muffin dates, the glitter bombs. She wanted to tell Roslyn that she loved her, that she didn't hate her. She wanted to catch up with her, to spend time with her again. She wanted her sister back.
But that meant trusting Roslyn again, potentially to the same degree she had before that three minute phone call wrecked her life. She didn't know if she could ever trust Roslyn like that again, even if she wanted to. And she did want to trust Roslyn again, she wanted to be able to trust her again. She just didn't know if she could trust Roslyn like that again, not when she shattered that trust in three minutes.
Everest took a deep breath.
Roslyn's hands shook.
Magnus rubbed her arm.
"I want to try," Everest said at last, staring at the point between Roslyn's eyes to fake eye contact. "I can't promise it'll be what it was before, or that it'll work out, but I want to try."
A watery smile played on Roslyn's lips. "Why?" she asked shakily.
Everest smiled slightly, even though it wavered. "Because I miss you, Lyn."
The nickname was warm and familiar on her tongue.
"I miss you too, Glitz," Roslyn choked out.
Roslyn let out a noise somewhere between a laugh and sob. Tears ran down Everest's face, hot and salty. The two launched towards each other at once, meeting in the middle in a desperate tangle of limbs and tears. Mutters of reassurance and love and hope were choked out between sobs, rocking back and forth and shaking all the while.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Roslyn echoed, burying her face further into Everest's shoulder with each repeat.
"It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault," Everest repeated, tears falling faster with each echo.
...
Trigger warnings over
Trigger Warnings: Corpses, death, hallucinations, panic, discussions of past suicide attempts, discussions of past hospitalization
By the time Roslyn left the apartment, both of their tears were long since dry, and they had long since sat on the ground to lay atop each other. Magnus had just smiled fondly and went back to his work room, humming The Four Seasons.
Eventually Roslyn left with a loving smile and a teasing, "By the way, I love the hair Glitz. Very Hot Topic Hoe."
"Shut your whore ass up," Everest had shot back with little bite, smiling. "Do I need to bring out the pictures of when we were fifteen?"
Roslyn had shook her head frantically before all but running out the door, Everest's soft laughter following her out.
Once her friend had left, Everest laid on the floor of Magnus's work room mindlessly scrolling through her socials, just existing near him and doing her best to ignore the corpses. It was only kind of working.
Without warning, Magnus turned around. Everest flinched at the sudden movement.
"Sorry," he said, grimacing.
"It's fine," she said dismissively. It wasn't his fault her nerves were still raw after the nightmare and Roslyn's visit. "What's up?"
"I just remembered we were supposed to go to the Cape."
"Oh shit."
Everest had completely forgotten. Guiltily, selfishly, she hoped that he wouldn't suggest they go now once they picked up Alec. She couldn't deal with strangers right then. It wouldn't go well at all. She'd probably end up using Clary's almost definitely illegal Portal rune to leave. And probably end up in Limbo because that was how her luck was going recently.
"Yeah," Magnus chuckled. "So I was thinking, what if we brought the Cape to us? Especially because we both know that he hasn't eaten dinner yet."
Everest shrugged, sitting up slowly. The corpses shifted with her. "I'm down. Might not eat much though. I'm not super hungry."
Magnus smiled gently at her, helping her stand before pulling her into a loose but comforting hug. "That's okay, Cupcake. You don't have to eat. It's not a big deal. Alec and I love spending time with you no matter what we're doing."
Everest sighed in relief. "Thanks." She hesitated, but plowed on before she could stop herself. "About what I said earlier..."
"About you almost killing yourself multiple times?" he asked, tense but kind. Sorrow only born from truly understanding something so specific lined his face. She desperately wanted to smooth it away.
"Yeah." She took a deep breath. She was taking a lot of those recently. "I know my first reaction is to just ignore stuff like that, but I'm working on talking about it more. And I—I want you to know—know that—fuck. Why can't I fucking say it?"
Magnus rubbed her back gently. "It's alright, Cupcake. Take your time."
She made eye contact with Eloise's corpse and, remembering how it felt when she learned that one of her best friends had killed herself, shoved the words out. "I want you to know that I don't ever want to get to that place again. I got there when I was fourteen-ish and I almost died that day. I don't want to ever wake up in a hospital with everyone I love crying ever again. I don't want to get to that point where I'm jumping off the roof and you have to use magic to catch me. I don't ever want to come back to myself and see you crying because of what I did. I don't ever want to get to that place again where I let myself stop breathing to end the pain. I don't ever want to think the best way out, the only way out, is by suffocating myself." Her body wracked with dry, heaving sobs without tears. It burned her lungs and throat, but it grounded her to the moment. "I don't want to die, Magnus! I don't! I want to live and be with you and Alec and Izzy and Clary and Jace and Simon and Gino and Roslyn and everyone else I love! I don't want to die! I promise!"
Magnus's chest bounced with suppressed sobs, but he only held her tighter. "You won't die, not if I have anything to say about it. I promise you."
Everest clung to him so hard her fingers started to cramp. She didn't care. The corpses were a shade or two more transparent than before. That was what mattered, not that her fingers were cramping. Her being able to say those words after years of not being able to say them, her finding a way to make the corpses fade even just a little, that was what mattered.