Don't Stand By Me (COMPLETE) - Chapter 20: Chapter 20

VIOLET
August 2nd: 21:10
I may have been slightly maybe majorly a teeny weeny smidgey bit drunk. Only a smidge! At least that's what I told myself as I threw back another shot, wincing at the taste. It felt like an awkward night - for me at least. Pearl and Cassie were cuffed together, giggling and dancing. Elvis and Dixon were dancing together with Kiara who was actually just staring at Cassie with steam pouring out of her ears. And Brent stood awkwardly on the sideline, holding his one singular beer that he hadn't even taken a sip from, instead using it as something to keep him grounded.
I knew all his tricks. He hated dancing, for one, especially in nightclubs. He had never once enjoyed a night on the town I had managed to drag him to, and despite willingly coming along, he would complain every second of the night until I eventually gave up and brought him home. At first, I thought he didn't like drinking, until we started having small 'gatherings' at my apartment and sometimes his and he would have the time of his life, eight beers in, sprawled across his couch and pulling faces at me.
It was those moments I had loved Brent the most; when he was simply Brent. Not the jock, the asshole, crude and mean. He was just a guy who loved his girlfriend and enjoyed spending time with her.
I had thought a lot, in the brief time since our relationship had collapsed, how it had collapsed so quickly despite how long we were together and how much I thought I had loved him. The relief I had felt once we had broken up, despite thinking I would never recover if we ever did. It occurred to me that sometimes you hold on because you're afraid of wasting the potential of what you've created, giving up the memories of the past even though the present doesn't even hold a candle to it.
At least that's what I told myself. I had hoped he felt the same but he hadn't so much as looked in my direction without scowling since we had broken up. He hadn't looked at anyone really with anything less than unbridled animosity - except for Pearl.
That was something that stuck out to me that morning, watching as her eyes constantly flew to Brent everytime he so much as stretched his arms above his head. He wasn't any better, staring at her unabashedly whenever she got up to use the bathroom awkwardly chaperoned by Elvis or Cassie. They weren't even trying to hide it and it was hilarious.
I expected myself to feel jealous or angry towards them but all I could muster up was sheer curiosity; I wanted to see how this went. I wanted to essentially chuck them in a room together and see how long it took for sparks to fly. If only all ex-girlfriends were as cool and gracious as myself.
"Maybe you should pace yourself."
I rolled my eyes before plastering a smile on my face and turning to face Brent, cradling that same beer and looking at me with an expression of boredom.
"Oh, so you're speaking to me now?"
"Violet."
I deflated instantly, "Sorry. I don't want to fight with you."
"Do you want to dance?"
"Dance? With you?" Brent Williams wanted to dance? With me? Was I in a coma?
"Do you want to or not?"
"S-sure."
We danced in the middle of the floor, somewhat awkwardly as we moved around each other, drinks clutched in our hands like lifelines so we didn't have to touch each other. The beat slowed and I could see Elvis and Dixon cosy up out of the corner of my eye and I couldn't help but smile softly.
"I'm trying." Brent said, loudly over the music but still barely audible, "I'm trying to be around you without feeling like I hate you and you ruined me. Because that's not fair."
"Thank you." I said simply, too dumbstruck to think of a further reply.
"I did love you but...I don't think we've been honest for longer than we cared to admit."
Weirdly enough in that moment the small flame of affection that remained in my heart for Brent flared up. Not in a way where I wanted him, or wanted to be with him, but rather I was reminded of what drew me to him in the first place.
"I get it. Sometimes it's harder to let go and realise that maybe we weren't the best for each other."
"I really wanted us to work."
I thought I did. But I couldn't tell if that was the truth or what I had convinced myself I needed. Safety, security, the easy answer.
"Me too." I responded, not wanting to be rude.
I realised as he looked awkwardly at me that this was it. The end of our relationship forever. He wanted to get his closure because he planned on never seeing me again once this trip was over. And that made my heart feel hollow in my chest. Brent had always been there. Even when I was mad at him, even when we had broken up and I had hated him. His presence was still there, and it was comforting to me even if we weren't speaking.
"This is the end, isn't it?"
He shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, "I'm sorry. I know you wanted to be friends but...you understand, right?"
"Yeah. Yeah."
I glanced over his shoulder to see Pearl and Cassie dancing side by side, screaming along to whatever song was now playing. Pearl met my eyes and instantly looked away, the flush of her cheeks visible in the dimly lit nightclub. I glanced back at Brent to see him looking at me with no discernable expression. Just neutral. The man I had spent the better part of a year with was looking at me with nothing but simple neutrality. And it broke my heart in that moment, knowing I had pushed this man so far he no longer could feel any strong emotions towards me, positive or negative.
I realised then what I had to do.
"You should make a move on Pearl."
"Sorry?" He did a double take.
"I'm serious. You clearly like her." I said like it was obvious - which it was.
He barked out a laugh, "This is weird."
"This whole thing is weird!" I shouted as the bass of the next song was somehow even louder than the last, "But we could die or go to prison. No regrets, right?"
Brent stared at me for a minute, before giving me a smile and nodding, "Right! No regrets. Thank you."
My heart panged hollowly in my chest as he turned to watch Pearl from across the dance floor, grinning at her wider than he had been to me. It was a weird slew of emotions. I didn't want Brent, I didn't want him to look at me like that anymore.
But the small candle in my heart still burned, if only a tiny bit.
"Hey!" Kiara appeared, Pearl steadfast by her side, "You're on Pearl duty!" She slapped the cuff onto Brent's wrist and disappeared before he could form a response.
Kiara and her almost psychic-like timing. It was almost as if she knew. I glanced at Brent to see he only had eyes for Pearl and I sighed, taking a step back and leaving the pair alone. On the dance floor, Cassie and Kiara were now deep in an intense looking conversation while Dixon and Elvis were still up in each other's space. Typical. Everyone was glued at the hip except for me.
I left the club after that, abandoning my half-empty drink on the bartop and stepping into the cool night air. There was a bench just down the street from the bar and I sat there, not yet ready to head back to the RV alone.
It then hit me that this was the first time I was properly alone with my thoughts the entire trip. I had either been by Kiara's side, or Brent's or texting Fitz, who had gone to sleep for the night. It was a weird moment, realising you have time to think and then beginning to overthink every moment of the past God knows how long.
I felt disconnected from every single person in that stupid RV. I felt ostracised, villainized, all the ised-ses. But I had done nothing wrong...right?
Maybe I had been distant. Between Brent and Fitz and downright fear, I had been in my head a bit. But I really doubted it was noticeable, with everyone being lovey-dovey the whole trip.
of me missed it, being coupled up like I had been at the start of the trip, bright-eyed and eager to go visit the Grand Canyon with my favourite people in the world. Now I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to be at home. I wanted everything to just go back to normal.
But normal would never be the same. It would be...whatever it would be. And it would be without Brent. It could be with Fitz. Or it could be by myself. And that would be okay, I realised.
I breathed in the cool night air, closed my eyes and blew out the candle.