Evermore - Chapter 20: Chapter 20

-Diana's POV-
I stand outside the church looking up at the big cross, the sun shines even though it's cold. It doesn't stop the sun from burning my eyes but I keep my eyes on the cross, seeing how long I can take the pain for...
"Do you want to go inside or do you need a second?" I hear Natalie behind me, almost a whisper that's soft...It's not her normal voice, she's being...gentle and it's uncomfortable.
I drag my eyes away from the sky and to the floor as I squeeze my eyes shut, the tears falling as my eyes burn.
"You can go inside, I don't need a bodyguard." I say and she doesn't move past me, I see her shadow reflecting on the floor. Her hand goes to her face.
"I'm your fiancée, not a bodyguard—"
"I don't need you clung to me, Natalie."
"I'm making sure you are alright, dar—"
"Can you just stop? It's my best friends funeral—"
"I understand that and I'm trying—"
"Diana, I'm so sorry!" I hear a familiar voice, an Australian accent, I look to see Maya walking over to me in a hurry as her heels clack against the concrete.
"Maya, hi." I say before she wraps her arms around me quickly, I freeze.
"I'm so glad you survived, if I had lost the both of you I might have lost myself." She kisses the side of my head, I just stay still.
I've gotten lots of messages...too many to count, half from people I don't even know. Telling me they are glad I survived too, that I'm so strong and that they are there for me if I need to talk.
Why would I want to speak to complete strangers? Or just people I barely know?
They've all posted things about Charlie, 'my best friend' , 'Love you so much' or 'gone but never forgotten'....Half of those people didn't know his birthday—I mean most didn't even know him in general.
One of his ex boyfriends who cheated on him even posted something...saying he always loved him...he broke Charlie's heart, Charlie loved him so much and he cheated on him. That's not love.
Maya pulls back and I look away as she keeps talking to me, I don't listen, my thoughts are louder than her voice or maybe they're just blocking her out.
It's been five days, five days of this feeling...which is...nothing but also a lot. It hasn't hit me but I do know—I'm aware that he's gone...I'm just waiting. It feels like I am at least..
I feel like I'm waiting for him to call, text or barge into the house shouting about how much he hates men—or shouting about something ridiculous that would make my day to hear about.
Kai.
He never got to tell him. Charlie never got to ask him to he his boyfriend or tell him that he loved him, he was so excited. Charlie finally found his soulmate and he didn't have enough time to tell him about his feelings.
I still see it. His brown eyes twinkling as he spoke about Kai, telling me he thinks he's in love. The best feeling a person can experience in my opinion, true love.
I also still see the fear in his eyes when that car was coming towards us, my shouting while his mind most likely raced to find a solution to save us both. He saved me so many times.
He always told me he would take a bullet for me, that he would die for me. I didn't know he actually meant it until he proved it.
These past few days have just been quiet but so loud at times, I feel lost and honestly heartbroken. I just want one more hug, one more time I want to hear him call me 'chicken' with a squeeze of his hand before we both start talking about the most random things. I just want my best friend.
Maya finally walks away and I blink glancing to some more people walking inside the church, familiar people, people from high school whose eyes are on me, standing beside 'Miss Snow'.
"Do you have a problem?" Natalie raises her voice before they all scurry away whispering to each other, I glance to Natalie and she has her arms crossed.
"Ignore them."
"I did, you're the one who spoke up as you always do." I say before turning away from her, making my way to the steps leading to the church, limping slightly although I refused to bring a crutch since it's hard to use with a broken arm. It hurts, everything hurts.
"I apologise then." Natalie rushes up behind me, her hand goes to my lower back.
"Can you stop?" I let out a shaky breath glancing back at her, her eyes search mine quickly.
"I—Diana...Yes..I apologise, I'll stop." She says, stepping down a step as her hand leaves my back. I sniffle before walking up to the church doors which are open.
I can see people inside already, a bunch of people some standing while others sit at benches becoming more visible as I step inside.
It's an open casket, so it's my last time...My last time to see him, my best friend before it's goodbye forever. Before it really hits me that he will be talked about in the past tense, never present. He will be apart of my past...
Since Christmas I thought the next time I would be walking down the aisle would be at my wedding. The day that is supposed to be the happiest one of my life, the day I vow my life to the only person I would want to spend it with.
But how am I supposed to get married without my best man? Who's going to give me the most ridiculous wedding gift which would actually come in handy? Who's going to calm me down that morning when I most likely have a panic attack? Who am I going to turn to when I argue with Natalie? Or when I want to gossip about her doing something—something Charlie would find hilarious...Who is supposed to be my best friend now? The person who I know would always be there even if I ended up separating from Natalie is now gone? I don't have anyone besides Natalie.
I stop walking as some people stand in front of the black coffin, the top half lifted. I watch them cry, people I don't recognise.
The woman turns walking away, another woman scurrying after her. I watch them walk away before glancing to the casket, now left to me.
I take in a shaky breath before taking a step forward, my eyes glue to the wall behind the altar, looking at the stained glass shining from the sun.
I look behind me, people are watching me, I recognise them though...All people from high school, they're whispering and their eyes look away as I spot them.
I glance down the back of the church where Natalie is sat down looking down, she looks sad. Maybe because I've been ignoring her, mostly or else she might be upset about Charlie...but I'm not sure, I can't find myself to care.
I glance in front of me, my heart drops—not like when I figured it out...It's—worse.
My body takes a step forward without my permission, looking at him, his skin lighter than usually..His eyes closed, not like he's sleeping, he looks more...peaceful but also...he just looks lifeless, like there's nothing left just his body, there's no happiness radiating off him like usual, there's no smile. There's just..nothing.
A tear escapes from my eye dropping onto the black and white suit that he's wearing while his hands lay crossed over his stomach.
I reach out, taking his hand in my own but it hurts even more when his hands aren't warm, they're cold, freezing. I still squeeze, hoping that somehow he's squeezing my hand back.
My lips twitch as they keep watering and I sniffle because of it, I don't look away, I don't acknowledge how long I spend standing looking at him. It's the last time I can. The last time I will ever see my Charlie again.
"Why did you have to go so soon? Leaving me all alone? I'm so sorry." I whisper as I keep crying—I know he can't hear me but I can't stop myself from speaking hoping in some way he can, my shoulders shake and my heart aches as my throat feels tight. I lean down, pressing my lips to his forehead.
"Please come back to me, I can't do it. I can't do this alone, I need you, Charlie." I keep crying quietly for only him to hear as I refuse to let go, we had it all planned out—that we would grow old together, we haven't even lived yet, he hasn't done anything he dreamed of. It isn't fair, it's me who should have went, not him.
"Give her a second." I hear Natalie's voice, I don't pull back, I keep holding his hand—still waiting for the tiniest squeeze, just one, Charlie, please.
"Diana." I hear Cindys voice, making me look up beside me, I make eye contact with her, it's like looking into his but hers are dull, almost what I imagine his to look like as his heart beat stopped and the light faded. The light he passed onto so many others.
"I'm so sorry—I'm sorry—I'm so sorry." I let go of his hand as I step towards her, wrapping my arms around her quickly ignoring the pain my body feels.
"It's all my fault—I'm so sorry, Cindy—I didn't mean for it to happen—"
"It's not your fault, Diana." She cries, wrapping her arms back around me as I cry into her shirt, shaking from pain and from fear—fear of everything. I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared to go on.
✺
Natalie keeps glancing to me, I haven't been able to stop crying but I refuse to leave yet. Cindy asked me did I want to say a speech, I agreed without thinking since I haven't exactly prepared anything.
"Can you stop?" I finally glance back to Natalie, meeting her eye as I wipe my nose. She holds eye contact searching my eyes for a few seconds.
"I haven't—"
"You're staring at me."
"Just to—"
"I'm fine." I tell her. She doesn't stop staring though, she sees the tears falling. I look away and she sighs.
I make eye contact with Cindy as she stands in front the microphone at the altar. She steps away as Charlie's Dad goes up beside her, she walks down the steps, I hear her but it's not clear of what she is saying.
She sits down out of view, I sat at the back of the church with Natalie, I didn't want to be near the front.
Charlie's Dad begins walking towards us, I think he might be leaving, he's not crying, he's just...I don't know, he looks sad but there's no tears.
He stops at the bench looking at me.
"Would you like to go up now?" He asks, I look at him for a second before nodding quickly as I stand. Natalie stands too and I look back at her shaking my head.
"I can go up myself." I tell her and she sits back down, not looking at me this time. I follow Charlie's Dad down to the altar.
I glance to the stand where the microphone is, I take one small but shaky breath before I walk up the steps. I step up to the microphone turning to everyone.
My heart races, there's a bunch of people...I don't recognise some like I said but there still is a good few people I do recognise.
Most of our grade from high school is here....Including Melody and Ciara...Some of our Teachers showed up. I realise I'm just looking around and not speaking. I glance down quickly. I fix the microphone on the stand, there's a bible in front of me...
"Um...Oh..okay...I don't really..." I keep trailing off as I stare down at the bible. I take a second, pretending everyone's not there...or as if they're naked as Charlie used to say if we had presentations in front of our class.
"Sorry, I'm angry...not at anyone in particular, I'm just..angry because I lost my best friend, I'm angry that his life was taken from him so soon. If he was here...or if in some way he's looking down on us all, he's probably angry too. Not at me, but at the people who don't even know him, the people who posted things calling him their best friend—but do you even know his birthday?" I question, looking around as some people turn to the person beside them whispering.
"He hated a bunch of you, some of you were the people to call him things in elementary and middle school because he put on makeup. It's embarrassing for yourselves, but he's most likely laughing along with that anger because of how ridiculous this is—I mean, why are you even here? You cheated on him and posted things saying he was the love of your life? Is that what you consider love?" I look at Corey making eye contact as he starts crying more. I Shake my head scoffing as I swallow the lump in my throat.
"All of you seeking attention from your 'best friends' death are just assholes, he wouldn't consider half of you friends. Why are you even crying? Did you even know him?" I ask another person making eye contact, again, her head goes down.
"Why are you even here? You two were never friends, you told him—"
"Stop." Natalie walks up beside me quickly and I shake my head.
"You—"
"Step down, Diana. You are only making this worse for everyone else by doing this, Cindy—"
"I'm not allowed speak the truth?" I sniffle looking at her as she blocks the microphone with her hand.
"You're causing a scene, everybody is uncomfortable, it's a funeral, don't take your anger out on these people grieving." She tells me and I keep looking at her for a second.
"Fuck you." I shove past her causing her to fall back a step, I walk down the aisle quickly. I don't know where to go—I can't leave since Natalie's the one who drove here.
I step outside, trying to get a steady breath but struggle.
I spot someone sitting down...by the car park, on a step...I put my hand to my chest, in..one..two..three. Out..one..two..three.
I keep repeating it, taking slow breath in and out as my breath hitches while the tears refuse to stop.
I walk over..across the concrete and stopping behind him...her..them?? I'm not sure, I can't exactly tell from behind.
I step down the step to the road before sitting down beside them, they sniffle quickly. I glance to them before they lift their head, my heart skips a beat.
"Kai." I let out as my voice goes quiet. He wipes his tears quickly with his palms.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't stay in there...I know it's been awhile but..." He looks away.
"I couldn't stay either, it's fine. I got told I caused a scene for speaking the truth." I sniffle, trying to clear my nose because of my crying and everything, I'm a mess.
"Some of those people in there...treated him like shit, I know that myself and I can't really speak but—"
"He told me, I know." I look at him and he looks back, the person who Charlie fell in love with. His eyes soften and he lets out a breath.
"I loved him." Kai speaks quietly looking away. I try to stop my tears but they continue to fall, I was afraid I'd run out of them by now, but yesterday I didn't cry. I didn't talk. I just...was there but I wasn't, I guess.
"I mean who couldn't, he could cheer up anyone, he's probably laughing at us suffering and thinking we both look a mess." He continues and I cant help but laugh a little, someone who understands what Charlie is—was like. It's the truth, if charlie was here he would tell me to man up. I think in a way, he was cheering on my 'scene'.
"He was the best. He put everyone before himself, you know? Made sure everyone smiled, even if he was crying. That sense of humour never left." I smile staring at the concrete.
"Those dirty jokes he would make were the best—"
"Don't even get me started on them, the Christmas gifts he bought me were ridiculous." I smile more and Kai laughs.
"The vibrator? He would not stop that stupid snorting he does when he laughs too much." He says and I look at him.
"You were in on that?" I elbow him even though it hurts and he laughs more as I do too.
I stare back at the floor, bringing my legs to my chest. I hear a quiet sigh from Kai beside me as he stretches out his legs.
"He always spoke about you, never stopped. He wanted to tell you about us but I thought you would kill me, I didn't forget what you told me before...But still...he always spoke about how great you were, how you will be his maid of honour at our wedding, he was joking but we both were convinced we would get married..He loved you so much, Diana." He says quietly and my eyes fill up with tears again, I bite my lip resting my chin on my knee.
"I love him so much too. He saved me so many times...in so many ways—but I never expected him to give up his own life just to save me." I suck in a breath.
"He would probably do it again." He speaks and I nods slightly closing my eyes as I hear some cars pass by.
"I hate that he would."
"It's just how he was and always will be." Kai says and I squeeze my eyes shut before sitting back, gathering myself together before forcing my eyes open to look at Kai.
"He was in love with you, Kai, and I don't think he got to tell you that." I speak and his eyes change, his lip trembles as he looks away.
"He told you that?" He asks still looking away.
"Yeah...he was going to ask you out, the day..." I trail off, he blocks his mouth with one hand as he shoulders shake, my heart and head ache at this feeling.
I reach over taking his other hand, squeezing slightly. He squeezes back gently and I look down before taking a breath.
"I should go...You can call me if you ever need to talk." I say as I slowly stand up, letting his hand go. He nods still looking away.