Evermore - Chapter 31: Chapter 31

"I'm finally free." I smile as I walk outside with Josephine, Natalie's at work of course so I had to get my casts off with Josephine.
My grandmas party was today, with my Mom there and all...I was able to get out of going due to the appointment to get the casts off, so that's great.
Josephine's phone buzzes in her hand and she begins typing at it, I glance to her before looking to my hand which are now cast free. There's a scar left on my right arm though, which isn't a big deal...I don't think.
Josephine starts laughing and I look to her, she glances to me before tucking her phone into her pocket.
"Sorry, Maria sent me something funny." She smiles, taking out her keys to unlock her car. I walk to the passenger side opening the door before getting in.
"So, you and Maria are getting close, that's great." I shut the car door before pulling my seat belt across me and clicking it in. I pull at it slightly just to make sure everything's okay.
"I guess so. She's great—very funny." Josephine starts the car and I smile resting my hands on my lap.
"She is." I say and she looks to me.
"Are you jealous?" She questions, out of the blue...I begin to stutter unsure of what to say since I wasn't expecting that.
"What?" I let out.
"Of how close I'm getting with Maria."
"Why would I be jealous?" I ask her, confused—should I be jealous? Why should I be? Why is she asking this?
"Never mind, I must have read it wrong." She begins driving and I shift in my seat a little. She grips the wheel, I look at her hands before going to speak again.
"Josephine, do you want me to be jealous?" I question sitting back looking to her instead of the wheel, she keeps her eyes on the road as she shrugs.
"I just thought you might be considering..." She shrugs trailing off again and I furrow my eyebrows. What is she talking about?
"Considering what?" I ask, I straighten up while I keep looking at her waiting for a response, one which I have no idea what it might be.
"Nothing." She speaks, I watch her jaw clench, I look away confused.
"There's no jealousy, Jo...Unless you're jealous about me and Natalie." I glance to her again and she glances to me before looking away...oh she's jealous—no, why is she jealous?
"It's nothing, just forget it." She tells me and I shift again, I begin to chew at my thumb before dropping my hands.
That's so out of the blue...she wants me to be jealous of her and Maria but why would I be? I thought it was great and Natalie did too. Natalie's jealous sometimes when I'm around Josephine but that's just when Josephine's being close with me.
Oh—okay...Natalie said Josephine had feelings for me which I never took notice of because I thought it was just Natalie but now this whole Maria and Josephine thing...Does Josephine actually have feelings for me?
No, maybe it's because of the other night when she heard me and Natalie...
"Is this because of the night you and Maria met?"
"No, I'm sorry just forget it." She speaks a little louder and I shake my head, no I want to know.
"No, wait, Josephine because I need to know. Have you overheard me and Natalie? Is this why you're jealous?" I ask sitting up a little and she sighs looking at the road.
"I overheard yes, but was it your intention for me to hear?"
"No—"
"Are you sure?" She questions and I frown sitting back again, she's making me confused now. I pick at my jeans a little.
"Did you want to hear?" I ask quietly, the questions just going back and forth now.
She doesn't respond and I look at her again while her eyes stay on the road, she presses her lips together tightly and I huff.
"Can you drop me off at the bar? It's just around the corner." I say and she glances to me.
"It's almost four—"
"Just drop me off, please." I say and she indicates making my shoulders roll back, I see the bar just down the street.
"Do you want me to stay—"
"No, take my key." I reach into my pocket taking out the key, she slows the car and I unbuckle the seat belt before opening the car door.
"If Natalie's home before me, don't say I came here, say I went over to Janes or something." I tell her and she takes my hand as I give her the key. I look to her.
"Diana—"
"Josephine, just go back to the house. I'm not doing what you think I am." I pull my hand away as I step out of the car shutting the door.
I walk away from the car and up to the entrance of the bar, I pull open the door stepping inside immediately hit with the smell of...old men if that even makes sense.
I cringe a little as I spot Floyd behind the counter making a drink, I walk closer pulling out a stool as I sit up on it.
He sets a drink down in front of a woman a few stools down from me before he does a double take of me.
"Diana." He says loudly and I smile as he does too.
"Hi, Floyd." I greet him and he grabs a towel and a glass looking to me again.
"What brings you back here?" He questions and I shrug putting my hands on the counter, threading my fingers together.
"Well since I've come back for winter break a lot has happened. Mostly bad, just one good." I hold up my hand showing him the ring and his eyes widen.
"Wow, Arabella is going to be over the moon when she hears about that." He looks at the ring and I smile dropping my hand.
"Yeah, I'll let you tell her about it...But Floyd."
"Yes?" He wipes another glass dry with the towel.
"I kind of dropped out of college because of everything at the moment, I don't exactly have a job. I don't have any money so everything is on my fiancée, I was wondering if I could maybe get a job here again? I know it's not that simple and I'm not expecting a lot." I say, hoping I can just get a job so I'm not putting everything on Natalie anymore.
"Diana, the bar is going slow recently...I can't pay much, I'm sorry, I really am—"
"No, no, it's no problem. Really. Totally my fault, I just came in and threw this on you." I nod my head quickly.
My mind today has been a terrible place, from the moment I woke up, I just didn't want to get out of bed and I was supposed to see my mom at my Grandmas party but I got out of it—but still. Now I feel guilty about Natalie paying for everything.
Then Charlie, god he won't get out of my head.
"At least give the girl a couple of free drinks." The woman a few stools down comments making Floyd laughs.
"What would you like?" He asks me, I look down at my hands...Natalie hasn't let me drink. I haven't seen any alcohol in our house since everything, maybe she's afraid I'll end up coping with alcohol like my parents. I shouldn't—
"Something strong, please. I just need to clear my mind." I smile at him and he looks at me for a second.
"Please." I say and he looks away grabbing a glass and I smile even though I shouldn't. I should go home, but of course, Josephine is there and she kind of admitted she has feelings for me in the car and god—Charlie would love this drama—but also comfort me so well with this—I just need my head cleared.
Just for awhile.
I'm turning to alcohol to do that. But anytime I end up drunk my mind is clear—only stupid thoughts coming to mind but usually I forget ny problems.
So much for Natalie and Charlie convincing me I'm not like my parents.
Floyd sets a glass down in front of me, I smile quickly at him and he goes to step away but he stops.
"Is everything—"
"Yeah, I'm fine, Floyd." I say and he nods.
"Wait actually.." I speak up as he goes to walk away, he stops again looking to me.
"Do you think...that your choices can influence the ones Theo will make when he's older?" I ask and he turns back to me, his eyebrows knotting before he glances over his shoulder to another bartender.
"Can you serve that woman over there, Adrian?" He asks the bartender who nods scurrying off quickly to the woman who sits a few stools down from me.
Floyd looks to me putting his hands on the bar, I pick up the cold glass, trying to cool my nerves off as I look up at him.
"Wait—Do you know that saying people say sometimes? The one about kids who grew up in abusive households? That the cycle continues, like mother like daughter or whatever...do you believe that's true?" I ask, keeping my eyes on the countertop as he taps his finger against it, maybe I'm the one asking questions out of the blue today. But before I drink this stupid drink, I want to know if he will believe I'm like my parents like I do.
"Do you?" He questions and I look up at him, I shrug and he nods.
"No, I don't believe it in the slightest, Diana. I think some kids go through a ton of shit when they're kids, sometimes they can grow up and turn into bad people which can be very influenced by the conditions of which they grew up in. But I don't think that's the case for everyone, I don't think it's the case for most abused kids. I think if an abused child grows up and has children and lays their hand on that child, that was influenced by nobody but caused by their anger and their lack of control on it. I get angry, very angry like everybody does sometimes but what's important is that I control that anger, especially around Theo and Arabella." He tells me and I nod trying to understand what he means.
I drop my shoulders lifting the glass to my lips, taking a sip letting it burn my throat as I set the glass down. I am my mothers daughter—I mean who's not waiting for me to fall down the same paths. I'm afraid to have kids for Christ sake because I'm afraid of my child going through what I did.
"You know, I look exactly like my Mom. Everyone tells me I'm different from her, but I'm not. I'm exactly like her." I shrug and he looks at me confused.
"Diana—"
"Sorry, I'm distracting you from doing your job, I'm sorry I shouldn't have annoyed you about this, Floyd." I stand.
"Diana, please sit back down, it's okay." He says and I look at him.
"I don't wanna be like my mom, Floyd." My shoulders drop and he looks a little confused. He looks around.
"Adrian, are you good by yourself for a few minutes?" Floyd asks the bartender.
"Floyd—"
"Yeah, yeah, I got it." He responds to Floyd, Floyd puts down the glass in his hand before walking around the counter to me.
"No—Floyd, I'm sorry, go back to work—my mind is just racing." I say and he puts his hand on my shoulder.
"Adrian's got it, come on. Let's go outside and talk about it." He nods and I look at him, he nods reassuring me.
We walk outside, there's a small breeze cooling me and my nerves down. It's beginning to get dark out so that's great.
Floyd leads me to a bench, sitting down with me. I bring my legs up onto the bench, crossing them while I rest my hands on my legs.
"What's going on, Diana? Why are you so down?" He asks and my eyes stay on my hands as I take a breath in.
"Do you ever feel worried? Not—exactly worried maybe, more afraid of becoming someone." I speak and my legs bounce while I shiver.
"Like a criminal?" He asks and I laugh glancing up the ombre sky, a dark blue fading into a lighter blue, the moon nowhere in sight.
"No. Never mind, I don't think you get it. It's better if you don't." I shrug my shoulders and my hair blows a little because of the wind, I keep my head down.
"Is this something related to your parents? You mentioned your Mom, do you want to talk about them?" He asks and I twist one of the rings on my finger.
"I was abused, my Dad first—he became an alcoholic, got better and left. Mom fell down the same hole and my best friend Charlie got me out of it." I say quietly, bringing my legs to my chest instead, hugging them.
"Where's Charlie? Maybe he could use a call right now?" Floyd says, so softly, his voice almost sounds like a lullaby and all I want to do is sleep right now.
"Charlie died. Almost two months ago, I've forgotten everything. Valentines has passed, I didn't even notice—Natalie didn't say anything because she probably knew I didn't want to do anything. I've been smiling—I've been doing everything I usually do but...It all feels so fucking difficult most of the time." A tear falls on my jeans. Floyd's hand goes to my back, rubbing gently.
"I'm sorry for your loss, Diana. You're brave, you know. Being able to do everything you usually do especially when it's difficult. Losing someone close to you absolutely sucks, but it's important to cherish to moments you had together. Tell me about a happy memory, he sounds amazing already." Floyd says and I sniffle.
"Oh god...When I first had a crush on Natalie, he stole my phone and followed her on instagram—it's a stupid little memory but you know, if he didn't do it, I would have never got the courage to do it myself, she would have never confronted me about it and we probably wouldn't have gotten together." I wipe the tears from my wet face as I inhale.
"It's not a stupid memory, it's a great one, a very important one. He helped you with a lot of things, I'm guessing he helped you through some tough times too." He wipes beneath my eye and I smile a little nodding as I glance to him.
"Always, with his stupid jokes. People saw him as rude sometimes but it was just what he was like, if he had something to say he would mostly say it." My breath hitches a little and Floyd hums.
"I understand. He seems so great. You know there's a saying, 'it's hard to turn the page when you know someone won't be in the next chapter, but the story must go on.' What do you think about that?" He asks and I shrug, pressing my lips tightly together as the tears flow down my cheeks.
"Do you want to know what I think?" He asks and I nod slightly.
"I think someone who has made such an impact on someone's story, yours, will never be forgotten no matter what. Of course it's hard, grief always is but the story must go on, which is your life. Life probably feels slow for you right now, maybe frozen. Like you're stuck in that chapter, maybe the pages feel glued together. But they're not, you just have to push through it at your own speed. Grief is messy, unexpected, hard and many other things. But the only person who can push through it is you. Don't give up, but don't forget Charlie either. He will always play a part in your story, he will always be a chapter or many chapters that you will remember. Keep him alive inside here." Floyd says and I look to him as he points at his heart. I sniffle, feeling like crying more.
"But what if I can't move on?" I sniffle looking at him and he wipes my tears for me again.
"It's not about moving on necessarily, it's more about life going on, which may seem the same but it's not in a way. You're not shutting those chapters completely, you're not forgetting about those important ones. You're just going onto the next one, carrying those good chapters with you to get through the rest. Think of it as little paper butterflies from the pages of your story guiding you along, those butterflies being Charlie and his chapters." Floyd says and I drop my legs as I turn hugging him, he wraps his arms around me too.
"Thank you, Floyd." I sob a little, my tears dropping on his shirt. He rubs the side of my head gently.
"It's not a problem, Diana. Let the butterflies guide you, maybe all those good chapters could make a paper dragon that could fly you through the next chapters." He says and I laugh a little, I don't move back. I stay close to him, it's not in a weird way, I just feel comfortable and safe.