Falling For My Exchange Brother | B... - Chapter 56: Chapter 56

I sat up in the bed, my eyes practically bloodshot. It was near to impossible for me to get any sleep.
Arthur laid beside me - his eyes watching me intently. Even though it was one in the morning and I knew he was exhausted...he stayed up with me. Just watching me without problem and he looked unbothered.
"Arthur I know this is the fourth time tonight..." I groan, slamming my head back into the pillow. "We went to bed at eleven...I woke up four times... I am a mess! I - I need to sleep in the guest bedroom."
"No, you don't William. I will be by your side. This is okay for me to stay up with you. I can't sleep knowing you're having nightmares right beside me. We sleep together - we wake up together." He murmurs to me, and I look down at him.
I grin at him, leaning my head on his chest. His hand rested upon my head and I felt him his other hand pull me closer to him.
Again came the feeling like I shouldn't be laying here with him. Why do the nightmares want to come back now? Especially when we are about to finally have a child.
"Arthur..."
"Yes, mom amour?"
"I know this is probably troublesome - no, probably annoying as hell since it involves me. But...can you sing me to sleep?" I ask him, and he chuckles.
"You would like me to sing for you?" He asks, and I nod against his chest. "Okay, anything to help you sleep. I'll hum a melody and you can just close your eyes. Let yourself drift off to sleep..."
I grin, closing my eyes for him. That's when I begin to hear him him for me. It started off deep and low, causing me to wait on if I would know what he was humming.
Except I couldn't figure it out because I kept drifting off. It seemed like he hummed for forever because I was drifting off and coming back. It was like something in me wanted to see if he'd truly wait for me to fall asleep.
He truly meant it and I opened my eyes as much as I could - now seeing it was three in the morning. Of me drifting off and he's spent two hours humming for me?
"Arthur you can go to sleep - you don't have to hum for me anymore." I tell him, but he continues on. That's when I look at him and saw his eyes closed.
He shook his head, and I smile as I just let myself lay back down. Closing my eyes as I finally let myself go to sleep, hoping I wouldn't have another nightmare.
____couple hours later____
I feel...sick to my stomach.
I woke up and it was eleven in the afternoon, and Arthur wasn't beside me anymore. I understood as to why. The twins are here and they'll need him still.
Still, I woke up nauseous and the dream I had wasn't a dream at all. It was basically a numbed down nightmare. In this nightmare we were playing football like we were in high school again.
Except I was chasing after him and he kept running from me. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with me and kept getting farther away. It was repetitive and it basically mocked me.
I get up, leaving the bedroom as I go downstairs. Seeing Arthur with the twins and they all sat at the table - eating brunch.
When they saw me Isabella was the first to make it be known. She called my name with excitement as I sat beside Arthur. He didn't even look tired - not at all.
I stole a piece of fruit from his plate, seeing him give me his plate. He just got up and went to make a new one - shocking me with how kind he was. I will never get used to his kindness.
"Dad you sleep way more now. You sleep longer than us." Ava pointed out, narrowing her eyes on me.
I smile awkwardly, eating as I couldn't deny that was so.
"It's true. I sleep...way more. It's because of a specific reason." I tease, and I see Isabella gasp loudly.
"What is that 'specific reason'? We want to know!" She exclaims, causing me to glance at Arthur. Seeing him look amused as he walked back and sat beside me, his arm wrapping around my shoulder.
"Dads what's the reason?" Ava asks us curiously, and I smile brightly.
"We are having a child together...and I'm holding that child." I tell them nervously, and Isabella squeals. Ava looked very confused.
"Wait, so you're...pregnant?" She questions me, and I snicker as I nod. "That's awesome. We get to be older siblings Isabella!"
Isabella and Ava were having basically a squealing contest. Practically having the best time of their life and they truly were happy for me. They weren't upset or jealous or any of that. Just...truly happy for us.
Though as we ate I found myself becoming nervous. I saw Arthur with his kids and they were just predisposed to be as kind and sweet as he was. They all had his lovely smile...his kindness...his composition.
Except I'm scared of one thing. Our child is fifty percent genetically predisposed to look like us and be close to something that is us. I don't want our child to have the worst parts of me.
I'm not a good person...
I stood up abruptly - everyone looking at me now. The twins looked confused, but went back to talking with one another. Arthur on the other hand started to stand up slowly beside me.
He stood in the way of the twins practically seeing my panic attack. I knew I was having one now and I moved back quickly.
Arthur ends up following after me as I walked away. I couldn't think straight and the thought of our child possibly being something like me...bothers me. Almost like I've cursed them.
It honestly bothered me. The last thing I want to think about is our child being like me. I was horrible. I know Arthur would never admit that I was, but I've learned that I was unacceptable.
It truly pains me, it really does.
"William, what's wrong?" Arthur tried asking me, his hand cradling my face as he had me in the corner of a hall. Shielding me from being seen, I just tried not to breakdown.
"I'm...I'm just a nervous wreck. I don't want our child to be like me - it made me panic thinking that they'll be half of me." I confess to him, and Arthur looked upset by my words.
"That's the best part! A child will have half of us. We came together and have been able to create a being - a child. Don't you find that amazing?" He questions me.
"I do, but I don't want our child to have anything that is...me. It worries me and it scares me-."
"Mon amour, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. This sudden anxiety is unlike you." He sighs sadly, and I see him look off. "This pregnancy really has you worried and stressed out. I wouldn't worry too much-."
"It's impossible not to! How do I not be afraid? How do I...calm these nerves I'm feeling? I feel sick to my stomach because I can't allow myself to forgive the things I've done. You should be with someone else - someone who hasn't been a jerk to you. Can't you see that I am not a good person?" I snap at him, Arthur not having it as he shook his head at me angrily.
He points his finger at my feet and practically gestures to my whole body.
"You are everything I want. You are having these problems because you have yet to forgive yourself. If I've forgiven you...doesn't that mean it's okay for you to forgive yourself?" He asks me.
"No...Arthur you are too good of a person. You may be able to say - I forgive you and I love you too much not to forgive you... Bullshit, it's all bullshit!" I cry, and I found myself shoving him away from me.
That's when I try to run around him and get away, but he grabs my arms. Pinning me back against the wall, he glares at me now.
"William I don't understand... You wanted forgiveness - and I gave it. Now you don't want my forgiveness and you bash yourself as well as my capacity for loving you. Stop bashing the person I love the most - you, mon amour...it's you-."
"Stop with the kind words! I don't deserve to hear it!" I shout at him, and he just pulls me into a hug.
Hugging me tightly, making it near to impossible for me to pull away.
"You deserve this William, you deserve the world." Arthur murmurs into my ear, feeling him kiss my earlobe to calm me down.
It worked to an extent...because it made me nerves dissipate faster than I thought. Though I still had that thought lingering with me...on what I deserve - what I don't deserve.
I know I should have moved on, but this is hitting me harder. Now that we are having a child together...all the things I've done are coming into prospect.
He insists he's fine, but I'm not fine. I bullied him, tormented him, was incredibly ignorant and at times using racial stereotypes, and I've hit him not once...but twice. Though he still can look at me and say he loves me?
What's wrong with him?
What's wrong with me?
"Arthur..." I say his name, and he pulls away from me. He looks down at me as if he hoped I calmed down. "I'm going to stay at my parents house - for tonight only."
He began to frown at me, stepping back from me as if I just hurt his feelings. Maybe I did; but it just proves to me that I always bring him to this expression once again.
"Just talk to me - why are you running away?" He asked me and I could hear the irritation.
"I'm...not. I just need to talk to my parents." I see him look away from me, and I narrow my eyes on him. "Am I not allowed to do that?"
"Of course - I'm not the boss of you. You can do whatever you please. You always have." He says, walking away from me.
I didn't know how to take his words. It sounded like he was mocking me...but I don't bother getting upset.
All I needed to do was get away. I was thinking too much. I needed to get away for Arthur's sake - as well as mine.
Though I did find myself running after him and grabbing his arm. He looked at me with a saddened expression. That's when I kiss him just to let him know I wasn't mad at him.
Except it seemed to only make him more sad.
"I'm not...mad at you if you think I am... Because I'm not-."
"I know that William." He interrupts me, and I groan.
"Then why do you look so sad?"
"Because you won't talk to me."
"What I'm thinking has already been addressed in the past. It's just...resurfacing so randomly and those dreams don't help either - they really don't. Why would I bother you with my useless thoughts?" I question him, and he steps close towards me.
It shocks me when he picks me up, pulling me in towards him. Looking unusually serious...it was different to see.
"Because I'm your husband. I'm fine with you bothering me with every 'useless' thought that passes your mind. I'll listen to anything you have to say. Your opinions and thoughts mean everything to me. If I became annoyed by you expressing yourself to me - I would be a horrible husband. I could never...because I am your-."
"Husband..." I interrupt softly, and he smiles at me. Now I hugged him and didn't want to let go.
He always knew how to say the right words...
"Fine. I'm going to tell you everything I'm feeling and thinking - don't get tired of me." I tease, and he kisses my cheek.
"I could never, mon amour."