Far From Home - Chapter 24: Chapter 24

Early November
He tapped his knuckle out on the door just loud enough for Connor to hear. Fuck, his heart was racing, but he didn't care. The fact that he could feel it pounding in his chest reminded him that this was real—that he was a human being making a human decision and fuck all the 'what ifs' that clouded his judgment before. He felt it. He felt his heartbeat, he felt the anticipation, he felt the adrenaline in his veins that called the shot, and he felt for the first time like this was the only clear choice.
He felt his tongue run across his lips as he watched Connor open the door.
Connor's eyes were tired, but beneath it all, they were curious. He looked to Jake with one of those questioning glares as he held the door out in his hand, head leaned over intently like he was waiting for an explanation. Jake didn't have words—he knew what he wanted, but he didn't trust himself to explain it. He stepped into the room towards Connor, watching the gentle balance of his expression with each inch he grew closer, waiting for the moment where Connor stepped back and asked him what the hell he was doing here, but he didn't.
Connor was always so good with the unspoken things. He didn't ask questions where Jake didn't want him to—not about any of those things that he could read on Jake's face but couldn't find the words to explain. His curiosity may have wandered to fill in the blanks, but anything Jake wanted to say, he had to say out of his own will. For whatever reason, Connor understood that honesty came best when surrendered willingly not coaxed into white lies that he wanted to hear because he had brought himself to ask the question.
Go ahead, Connor. Ask why I'm here.
Jake might have cursed him for being able to read his mind so many times, but this time it seemed to do no use. Connor's lips didn't form words and his eyes were too stuck watching Jake's to redirect his attention anywhere else. He was captivated trying to predict Jake, and damn was he always so good at it, but this time he looked so tired he couldn't seem to figure it out. Jake could almost see the question forming on his tongue, but he never got around to asking.
Behind him, the door had clicked shut with the gentle ease that Connor gave everything. It had been hell waiting so patiently during those few seconds where Jake couldn't say anything, but wouldn't dare to move either. When the two of them were closed off from the rest of the hall, he allowed himself to move another step closer—much closer than the 'friends' anyone could have taken them for if they passed by while the door was open a few seconds ago.
Connor didn't back up to move out of the way when Jake stepped into the room. He tilted his head up ever-so-slightly to make a point and Jake read his confidence as something else. A dare. While he might have expected a knock on his door to come with a talk, Connor could read Jake's body language from a mile away. It was how he so readily called his bluff with his jealous outburst a week ago at the party.
Connor knew.
He always knew.
He inhaled a deep breath for the last time as Jake's face came in inches to his. It almost made Jake want to smile the way Connor seemed so ready to accept his fate and give in without any words, but if he learned anything from his time spent with Connor, he knew that words were important. Jake brought his hand up to linger painfully close to Connor's face. His fingers ached to reach out and feel Connor's skin under his own, but he couldn't do it unless he wanted him to.
Connor's eyes wore some deep satisfaction even if he wouldn't dare let the emotion cross his face while Jake was watching. And Jake was watching. He was watching the staggered way each breath fell from his parted lips. He was watching the soft surprise in his brow from their close proximity. He was watching the eerie way Connor's body ran still just knowing he was close enough to touch, yet didn't. It was flustering how scarily calm Connor was when Jake knew he was seconds away from coming apart.
It sent an unfamiliar feeling through his body as he finally allowed his gaze to settle on Connor's lips.
"I want to kiss you, is that okay?" Jake's low whisper interrupted the silence between them.
Connor nodded, but it was the weakest thing Jake thought he had ever seen. He's so gone.
Usually it was Connor who initiated their first touches, but this time it was Jake... it had to be Jake. Connor had made it clear where he stood and now it was Jake's turn to come around and give him direction. Some part of Jake knew that waiting for an answer was probably the most uncomfortable thing Connor had had to do in a very long time—leaving the ball in someone else's court was not something he liked to do, and letting Jake know he was vulnerable was even harder.
Thank you for that.
Jake's fingers found the back of Connor's neck like second nature. It was where they liked to roam the most, finding Connor's hair woven between his fingers any time he needed something to remind himself Connor was real. And he was real. So real. When their breath became close enough to blend together as one, Connor's air was his, stolen from his lips as they met in the middle, so hopelessly lost just waiting to be found in the other.
If Connor was a drug, then relapsing was the easiest thing Jake had ever done in his entire life.
His lips were familiar, but a new sensation followed them this time. This wasn't innocent kisses in the truck on days where Jake was too shy to tell him exactly how he felt, this was desperation masked with control that Jake had no idea how either of them had managed. It was the aftermath of too much time lost. Connor was pulling him in, guiding his face nearer to him even when Jake didn't feel they could get any closer, and Jake was following his every move like a lovesick puppy vying for every ounce of his affection.
When he couldn't breathe he pulled back, loosening his hold on Connor so he could allow him the space to retract if he wanted to. But he didn't. In fact, he looked pissed more than anything that Jake had had the audacity to stop kissing him.
Connor's fingers dug into the collar of Jake's shirt, dragging him back in with breathy kisses that consisted less of their mouths finding each other and more of their hands trying to find places to go. Jake's immediately sorted through Connor's hair, pushing back strands of that soft dark hair that had grown since the summer to the point where Jake wondered if he might be able to braid it away from his face. He held Connor's head in his hands like it was the only valuable thing in the world while Connor's hands were working on pulling Jake back by his shirt as he started drifting back towards his bed.
There were a few nights over the summer that came close to heated make-out sessions, but never like this. Those nights took place between a version of Jake who was too scared to get too close and the part of Connor that waited patiently until it was okay. Connor knew his boundaries even when he would never say them. He countered each hesitancy to touch by giving Jake space, and Jake had never noticed how meticulous he was about holding back until now.
Now Jake was all in, and Connor felt that. Not once did he feel like pulling back, so instead Connor pulled him forward. He drew him back into the room—movements that felt too slow, but that Jake knew were actually rather fast. He knew that only because his foot had caught on a textbook somewhere along the way, mumbling a "shit" into Connor's mouth as he nearly knocked the two of them over. But his fumble was worth it, because underneath it all, he felt Connor smile.
It wasn't a sarcastic grin. It wasn't something he shyly hid away when Jake had said something a little too nice to him. It was real and full and it made Jake want to stop kissing him just so he could see it on his face before it faded away under the guise of Connor's collected calm. You're so beautiful when you're happy.
Whether he knew he did it or not, Jake had pushed Connor back into the bed, falling after him into the mattress as he smiled into Connor's lips and the desperate ways they pulled him back down from their time spent apart. They were a tangled mess, but that didn't seem to bother Connor as much as feeling trapped underneath Jake did. When Jake had fallen on top of him, Connor had quickly shifted back to find his own bearings again, pushing him up to break away only for a moment in order to gain some control of his situation. Jake backed away with the thought that he might have pushed too far, but Connor didn't pay it any mind as he grabbed onto Jake's shirt collar and gestured his head out to the space beside him in a redirection.
Quick to follow the silent order, Jake grew quite comfortable with the new arrangement. His back sank into Connor's bed, helplessly rendered incapable of thought as Connor's mouth fell against his again, but this time from above. Connor was careful not to crush him, propping one of his arms out beside Jake's head while the other had loosened around his shirt and began ever-so-slowly trailing down his chest with such gentle precision that sent a shiver down his spine. Electric wasn't a word nearly powerful enough to describe Connor's touch as it settled over top of his abdomen, Jake cursing the fabric of his shirt that separated his fingers from his skin. Even electricity couldn't have been this exhilarating, tingling through his body as his hands searched for the right place to go on Connor.
Jake had never felt anything so... flustering.
Connor seemed to take joy in the sharp breath Jake took as his lips fell down to his neck instead, planting soft kisses into the skin underneath his jaw as Jake was rendered incapable of doing anything else but letting Connor take him over. Jake could feel his smile in the crook of his neck, but Connor whispered words into his skin to let him know he was paying attention.
"You okay?"
It didn't come across overly concerned, but it wasn't mockery either. It was some fine balance between checking in and asking him permission, and Jake wanted to kiss the question right off his lips if he thought Connor would have settled for that answer.
"Fantastic." He mumbled instead, weaving his hands up Connor's hair from the back of his neck, pulling him as close as he could possibly manage as Connor began placing strategic kisses over every inch of his jawline from his chin to his ear.
Shit, why didn't we do this before?
Jake closed his eyes as he tried to place the burning sensation that every touch of Connor's skin left behind. It set him on fire in a way he didn't know he ever had been and it begged him for gasoline to fuel the flames. He didn't realize how badly he was struggling until Connor's hand on his torso was less a gentle reminder of his touch and more pushing him back down into the bed from where Jake had apparently tried arching his back up to meet him.
Fuck, that's embarrassing.
Connor didn't seem to be as recklessly tortured in a craving for touch as Jake did. He managed lust with the same control he gave everything in his life, although Jake knew from the low warmth in his voice he was feeling just as much, even if he didn't show it.
"Fuck, I missed you." Connor's words entered his ear in a low whisper, feeling the warm breath over his skin as Connor kissed reassurance into the soft skin right below his ear.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
It sent his mind spiraling more than it should have to places he didn't want it to go. He pushed his knees up behind Connor's back, feeling the back of Connor's legs that straddled his hips through the thick fabric of his sweatpants. Although Jake expected him to stop to make sure he hadn't crossed another line to warrant such a response, Connor's lips returned to his mouth, stealing his breath as he pushed his head back into the bed with the same hungry desire that Jake felt consuming him whole.
Jake didn't feel like his hands were doing much to bring Connor any closer, so he let them wander elsewhere—trailing down the faint outline of muscle he could feel under the shirt that hung loosely over Connor's back, wishing he could trace his fingers over his spine without the fabric caught between them. He remembered the last time he had felt Connor's skin on his like a thorn in his mind, taunting him with the knowledge that everything could be taken away from him once again just as it had been then. Jake had decided when Aaron put it in perspective for him that he wasn't willing to let it fall from his fingertips so easily this time. Connor had once asked him to fight for him, and the version of Jake that he had begged hadn't been able to do it. This one would. This one knew if there was anything worth fighting for it was the person who had the capacity to take him back knowing how badly he fucked up the first time. This one wanted Connor to know that. However odd it might have seemed, Jake knew this was the first step.
He knew he had to prove it.
Somewhere lost in thought, his hands had found their way to Connor's thighs, finding a resting place in the comfort of his grip over Connor's sweatpants. It took him only a moment to realize when his fingers dug into Connor's legs to ground himself that he had made a mistake. Connor broke away from a kiss with an inhale that seemed too abrupt for comfort, the hand that was resting on Jake's chest quickly grabbing onto one of the ones on his leg. Jake's eyes scanned him with worry, trying to find the evidence that he had just fucked up written in annoyance in Connor's features, but instead he was met with passive confusion—Connor trying to figure out what to feel for himself as he stared back at Jake.
Neither of their eyes drifted down to their hands, partly because Jake wouldn't allow himself to look anywhere but to Connor for direction, and the other part because Connor was stuck somewhere unrecognizable that Jake couldn't dare to leave him alone in.
"Is that not okay?" He mumbled through the semblance of a voice he was able to conjure.
Jake knew how plainly he wore his thoughts on his face because Connor leaned down to kiss the worried crinkle of his brow as he simultaneously pulled Jake's hand away from his leg and intertwined their fingers together before he pushed it down into the bed beside Jake's face. Following Connor's lead, Jake pulled his other hand away from his leg and let it sit next to him on the bed instead, not daring to move it anywhere Connor couldn't see.
"Not today." Connor's voice was strong and sure, but Jake could tell there was something uncertain laced underneath it that he was trying his hardest to conceal.
His mind went racing to fill in the blanks of why Connor had specified 'not today,' versus 'no, don't touch me there.' And... oh fuck, no that's not what I meant. The last thing he wanted was for Connor to think of him like that. He didn't even want himself to think like that. His face burned red from embarrassment.
"Sorry, I really wasn't trying to–"
"I know." Connor kissed him to shut him up. "It's okay."
His fingers squeezed gently against Jake's to tell him he was okay, but somehow Jake wasn't entirely convinced. Whatever hesitancy he just saw on Connor was too familiar to how it must have looked when Connor saw it on him all those times where he thought a little too hard about their touches and what they all meant. He hated it. He hated feeling like he just crossed a line he hadn't even seen, or moved a little too fast when they had always moved a little too slow.
Everything had always been slow—agonizingly so—because that's what Jake needed. He needed patience and reassurance, and calm and collected, and that's what Connor gave him every single time. But Jake had never thought about what Connor needed. He didn't think about if Connor was holding back or if he liked the slow drag too, hoping they could make milestones last and relishing in each one for the small comfort it gave. He had considered that Connor might have wanted so much more than what he was able to give him, but he hadn't considered that maybe Connor liked going at Jake's pace so much as it left him safe knowing he hadn't pushed him too far.
Is this too much?
"Is this okay?" The words fell from his lips before Connor had the chance to kiss them away.
Connor paused, searching Jake's face for a sign he was pulling away again, but that wasn't what Jake was worried about and Connor seemed to piece that together quite quickly.
He didn't smile, but Jake saw the soft glow of his eyes betray him as he leaned down to meet his face. "I'd tell you if it wasn't, right?"
"Okay." Jake nodded underneath Connor's forehead. "Yeah, okay... sorry."
Connor kissed him once before he pulled away again.
"Your need to apologize for everything has always been cute, but I'd rather you use it when you really need to."
Hm. Jake hummed in satisfaction. You think I'm cute.
"Sor–" He stopped himself. "I'll keep that in mind."
Connor smiled in agreement, reaching down to find Jake's other hand on the bed beside him. Before Jake could even think about what his intentions were, his fingers were itching to find Connor's, letting his hand fall into place as Connor grabbed ahold of him and pushed his hand into the bed just like he had done on the other side of his face. Jake's body should have been screaming from feeling restrained under someone else's grip, but instead it felt rather safe. His grip tightened into Connor's hands, and he welcomed the gentle way Connor's thumb brushed over the side of his index finger as he met him for another kiss.
He didn't think about the ways he should have been searching for his escape. He didn't think about how much discomfort he would be in if Connor pushed him down a little too hard. He didn't think about how utterly useless his body would have been in fighting him off if he needed to get away. He didn't care. There were always days where he questioned Connor's hands when they moved too fast, the days where sudden movement felt too much like a familiar attack, but this wasn't that. Connor's hands didn't mean to hurt him... they never did. They weren't trying to render him incapable of fighting back, they were slow and steady, keeping him from crossing a boundary he hadn't known existed for his own good. These hands were safe.
Jake actually found himself enjoying it more than he had come to realize.
It made it that much harder when they let go, distracted by something else that had gained Connor's attention. When Jake opened his eyes to Connor breaking away, he was reaching for his back pocket, pulling his phone out with an annoyed glare. Connor sat back on Jake's legs as he glared at the screen like he was going to kill whoever was on the other side of it, but he answered it anyway with a disinterested "yeah?"
Jake took a deep breath for the first time in a while as he tried to regain his own consciousness away from Connor. He watched Connor's face twist into an entertained confusion as a smile broke across his face.
"You drove all the way out there? For what, Ricky?"
Jake cracked into a grin as he watched Connor's nose crinkle in ridicule.
"I mean yeah, I guess I'll take one... I don't care what flavor, something with chocolate."
He didn't know why it was so funny, but hearing Connor grumble into the phone about chocolate sent him laughing. Wherever Ricky was and whatever he was doing, Connor seemed equal parts pissed off and entertained by his food suggestion. Connor's hand was quick to find Jake's mouth, silencing him with a deadly glare as he tried his best to look like he was listening to Ricky.
"Mmm, really?" He mumbled into the phone. "Guess we'll find out."
Jake was grinning underneath Connor's hand, but Connor hadn't been paying much attention to it. Some voice in the back of Jake's mind was telling him to act like a child, and through a hazy night of sleep deprivation and still being high on Connor's kisses, he listened. He licked the inside of Connor's hand—salty from where it had been holding on to his own—and Connor nearly jumped.
"You little shit!" He pulled his hand back from Jake's mouth, wearing some wildly confused smile as he looked down with a sense of playful adoration.
Jake would have laughed again, but instead his smirk sufficed for how he was feeling, raising an eyebrow at Connor while Connor was stuck shaking his head.
"No, not you..." He sighed into the phone. "I was... killing a spider."
"Oh, were you now?" Jake whispered.
Connor mouthed 'shut the fuck up' to him, but it fell short of threatening with the smile stuck on his lips.
That smile. Jake's heart grew warm at the sight of it. He missed seeing it so badly. Connor had grown so cold after the breakup Jake didn't know if he would ever look at him with something so kind again. It was reassuring to think Connor was capable of warming back up to him, even if it was going to take time. Jake would give him that. He would give him time to open back up after he had worked so hard on closing himself off. It wasn't going to be overnight, it wasn't going to be as simple as an apology, it was going to be rooted in how much Jake worked for Connor to trust him, and how much Connor would grow to believe it wasn't a lie.
I can live with that.
"Yeah, see you in a few." Connor leaned back against his knees. "Bye."
Jake tapped his fingers out on the bed in anticipation of Connor telling him to leave, because he knew it was coming however long he wanted to prolong it.
"He's on his way back?"
Connor tossed his phone out on the bed with a sigh. "Yeah. He wanted fucking Steak n' Shake. I didn't even know they were open this late."
"Some are twenty-four hours. Now I'm thinking I should've gone with him."
"You knew he went?" Connor scoffed.
"Why do you think I came over?" Jake's lips curled up in a flirtatious smile as his head rolled back into the bed.
Connor's jaw would have dropped open if hadn't been careful enough to control it.
"You texted my roommate to make sure he was gone?"
Jake started realizing how bad it was starting to sound, but he didn't drop the smile from his face as Connor bracketed his hands down on both sides of his head while he leaned over him. Connor's eyes stared him down with a look closer to intimidation, but it was a feeling lost to Jake who had learned to decipher intimidation for contentment in the subtle way his eyebrows raised in pleasant surprise.
"No, your roommate texted me... and then I decided to come over."
"You're unbelievable." Connor grumbled, but his eyes drifted down to Jake's lips.
Jake feigned innocence. "In a good way?"
Connor's non-response was an answer itself. He cut Jake off with a deep kiss that Jake smiled into with the wish that Connor would do it again. When he pulled back, Jake carefully restrained himself from grabbing ahold of his face to pull him back down into another because eventually they had to stop—sooner rather than later to avoid getting caught. Being comfortable with Connor alone was one thing he would come to grow into, being comfortable with Connor around others was another he didn't see happening any time soon.
Just because the environment here was different, where something as simple as just existing authentically didn't seem so daunting anymore, that didn't mean that those feelings of hiding and protecting and lying about his sexuality weren't still there. He felt like he had already come a long way in being comfortable with what that entailed, but that didn't mean he could magically uncondition those fears of public attention—regardless of if it was his homophobic hometown or confirmed ally Ricky Cobella.
"I should go."
The words struck a nerve that made Connor wince—ever-so-subtly by the tension in his eyes. Jake realized the last time he said he was going to go he never came back, and somehow this probably felt like a dull reminder to Connor that he could do it all again. He was quick to add on: "I'll text you tomorrow, okay?"
Even though they weren't fond of texting over seeing each other in person, Jake knew he couldn't promise to see him tomorrow, so he gave him what he could.
Connor nodded. "Yeah."
Jake pushed Connor's hair back out of his face, but it didn't do much because it fell right back down from hovering over him. It was more a reassurance than anything—a gentle reminder of all the days where Jake would push his hair back just to let him know he was paying attention when Connor would hope pushing his chin up would make it magically fall back into place.
"Thank you." He whispered, and he meant it.
Thank you for giving me another chance. Thank you for trusting me after I hurt you. Thank you for knowing exactly how to read me. Thank you for being vulnerable...
"For what?" Connor smirked. "Making out with you?"
There's that sarcasm making a comeback. Jake hadn't realized how much he missed it.
"That too." He shrugged it off.
"Yeah, no problem. Any time. Just uh... let me know whenever is most convenient for you and I'll work it into my schedule."
Jake grinned as rolled his head back. "Oh, is that what this is to you?"
Connor's lips ghosted a lingering smile, but his eyes were more serious than that.
"You know it's not."
Jake nodded, his smile turning less playful than adoring. "Well, in that case, I'll have to have my assistant pencil you in Mr. Morgan."
"Who, Aaron?" He scoffed, leaning down with a smile.
"Yep."
Connor kissed him softly this time, something that should have been slow, but passed by way too quickly.
"Aren't you supposed to be leaving?"
"Mmm..." Jake propped himself up by his elbows as Connor backed away from his face. "Yeah, probably."
Connor smiled when Jake raised his face to his again, following him up until Jake was sitting upright with Connor in his lap. Their kisses were broken by smiles, toothy grins that made their lips reaching practically impossible. Jake didn't care that their mouths clashed with every stupid little thing that made Connor smile, because Connor was smiling. Connor was smiling, and it was because of him.
I missed you so much.
"Go, Jake" was a laugh that came out of Connor's mouth when Jake had begun kissing the creases of his smile.
"Mmm..." He retreated painfully with an expression McKenna would have labeled 'whiny' if she were to see his current pitiful state of affairs.
He looked over Connor's beaming face and it made him feel so many things at once. Adoration was the first one that came to mind, because even if he couldn't admit it out loud, he had loved Connor once and it felt a hell of a lot like how he was feeling now. Grateful was another. The list could go on. Privileged. Content. Safe. Lucky. Wanted...
Dare he think, home.
"Goodnight, Connor." He whispered in a daze.
He was met with one last kiss before he found his way back to his own room—heart full, head clear, tired eyes finally allowing him one night of sleep where he didn't have to fear a fantastical life with Connor getting stolen from his imagination. He closed his eyes imagining Connor's smile and, for once, it wasn't in remembrance for what he lost, but in promise of what was to come.