Far From Home - Chapter 26: Chapter 26

Mid-November
Besides for passing smiles in the hall to and from class and the food he had dropped off for Ricky Wednesday night, Jake hadn't seen much of Connor for the past week. They sent the occasional text with some weird fact from the day or commenting about who had just gotten engaged from back home, but nothing substantial and nothing close to meaningful. Jake knew it was only because Connor was stressed, and he couldn't say he didn't feel the same.
The end of the semester was coming up in less than a month and final deadlines were killing them both. If midterms hadn't been Jake's breaking point, he thought this might be the thing to do him in. Paper after paper, he had spent all week catching up on assignments and working ahead as best he could to save him from feeling like hell later on when exams were just another thing to pile on top. Connor's course work hadn't allowed him to be so lucky. As if being in two labs at the same time wasn't enough, he had put himself over the recommended credit-hour average and was frantically trying to sort out which classes were the most worth studying for, and which ones he could calculate how many zeros it would take him before he reached failure. Connor had thought it was funny when he texted Jake his plan, but Jake saw right through it as a cry for help.
He ended up on Connor's bed, leaned up against the wall with Connor right beside him slumped into a Biology textbook Jake couldn't decipher to save his life. Although it wasn't far off from his own field, Jake was glad to have steadily avoided the biology requirement, opting for taking a highly specific hydrology lab in his second year instead. Connor didn't end up so lucky, especially on a Pre-Vet track that took lab requirements very seriously. Jake knew this was only half of what Connor would have to do for the rest of his years here, but it didn't make the pained focus written on his features any less discomforting thinking about the mental state that sat behind it.
He had been careful not to distract Connor, opting only for resting a hand on the back of his neck massaging soft circles with his thumb as Connor worked. Jake could practically feel the insurmountable tension in his neck, but he knew if he even suggested that Connor needed to relax he would have been met with an 'I don't have time for that,' or maybe even a 'fuck off' if he felt flirty enough to disregard Jake's concern with a snarky comeback. That didn't shake how unsettling it was to see Connor so frustrated by his own helplessness, writing in the margins of the textbook questions to himself with pencil he could erase later when he had the brains to figure it out.
While Connor read, he tapped his fingers out over Jake's knee in unpredictable patterns. Jake didn't know how he could focus on what was in front of him while his hand was somewhere else, but Connor seemed lost in his own mind, incapable of registering that he was even doing it at all. It seemed to bring him an outlet for his energy, and so while Jake wanted so badly to reach out and stop him from fidgeting, he let Connor continue so it didn't disrupt his thinking.
Scrolling through his phone, Jake was keeping himself occupied with the hand that wasn't resting on Connor's neck. Aaron had asked him to look into paint colors for whatever reason, so here he was trying to distinguish how Pure White and Extra White were somehow different, but through squinting at his screen, he couldn't tell. They were both white to him.
Is there even a difference? He texted Aaron.
Kath says there is
She also likes snowbound or some shit but its the same fucking thing
Jake switched back to the paint website and looked for Snowbound. He took a screenshot of that color like he had the other two, and then swiped back and forth between the three trying to tell the difference. They were still just white.
At this point just tell her to pick a number.
Send it to Connor I want to know what he thinks
No, he's busy.
You two are the only people I can ask do you know how much shit your sister would give me if I texted her
Ask your mom.
She's mad right now
Jake rolled his eyes even though he knew no one was watching.
Fine.
He didn't want to distract Connor, but it had been nearly an hour now of no interruptions and Jake was certain he needed to take a break at some point—whether that be to talk about paint samples or to finally get something to eat. The girls had texted him two hours ago to see if he was going to get dinner with them, but Jake hadn't been hungry then, and now he was coming to regret not eating before he closed himself in with Connor. He let his thumb fall still against the base of Connor's neck and tapped out twice with his middle finger on the other side to ask for his attention quietly in case he needed to keep his focus. Connor's hand stilled over Jake's knee as he glanced over to him—determination still knitted into his brow.
"Hm?"
"This is gonna sound so stupid, but I need you to pick a color." Jake handed his phone over to Connor.
That critical focus softened on Connor's face as it was replaced with a questioning smile. "For what?"
"Katherine wants to know which color to paint the kitchen, and Aaron is being extremely unhelpful."
Not that I'm any better.
Connor swiped between the three pictures, pondering each one carefully as he compared them all to each other in a way Jake couldn't quite figure out. Eventually he stopped on the first one with a contemplative frown.
"Pure White."
"Why?" Jake squinted at it trying to make out what Connor saw.
Connor shrugged. "It's warmer. Feels more home-y."
"You just saved their relationship, I hope you know that."
Jake typed away with a text to Aaron, but Connor's shoulder sinking under Jake's arm made him glance over to check on him as he did.
"I'm taking Katherine's side in the divorce though." He settled into Jake's side, abandoning his book out on his lap.
"Wow, I see how it is." Jake joked. "We're not good enough for you?"
"Oh, are you and Aaron a packaged deal now?"
A smile spread on his face as he put his phone down on the bed beside them. "You knew that from the start."
"I did." Connor mumbled as he looked up to Jake. "I think I got the better half though."
"Did you now?"
Jake's heart sang knowing Connor could think of him in such fond ways again. He had so dearly missed hearing Connor's compliments—however much he used to tell him to stop or pretend to be annoyed by them. This was a step towards Connor opening up again and Jake knew that. He couldn't wipe the smile off his face as he watched Connor's arm fall over his torso, pulling them closer together as he lost whatever delicate balance of focus he might have had a minute ago.
"Mmm... maybe."
"Maybe?" Jake slid his hand down over Connor's arm to pull him in playfully.
"Yeah, I mean, who knows? Maybe Aaron is actually a fabulous cook or sings pretty songs."
"Aaron can't sing, are you serious?" He laughed.
Jake could feel Connor's smile even when he couldn't see it. "But you can't cook, so..."
"Are you hungry?"
"Kinda..." He sighed. "But I was supposed to finish this chapter."
Connor's momentary bout of happiness faded just as quickly as Jake began to cherish it. Jake could hear it in his voice and the way Connor deflated into his side like he didn't want to leave it. Jake's smile followed with him, his feelings turning more serious as he leaned into the top of Connor's head to plant a kiss there in hopes that Connor would take the hint that he had been working too hard.
Please take a break.
"If you come get dinner with me, I'll help you study later." He mumbled into Connor's hair.
"You'd do that anyways."
"Okay, and?"
Connor hugged his side. "What do you know about biology, Jake?"
The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell... after that, nothing.
"Mmm... Maybe I can help you with chemistry then?"
Even though Jake was entirely genuine when he said it, Connor seemed to take it another way with the ridicule and entertained joy that laced his voice when he spoke.
"Are you flirting with me?"
"What?" Jake's face blushed but Connor couldn't see it. "I mean... no... ye– I am actually good at chemistry..."
"Are you now?" Connor taunted him.
"I really am, I swear. I was in AP."
Jake thought he might have smoothly recovered from his fumble, but Connor didn't seem to want to let it go.
"Mmm, forgot how smart you are. Never gets any less hot."
"I'm not that smart."
"It's still hot."
Even though he couldn't see his face, Jake knew exactly what look Connor was wearing. It had to have been that passive interest, trying to look like the words coming out of his mouth were innocent even when his eyes said something completely different. Jake had seen it on him before, taunting him for a reaction but acting as if it was a surprise when he got one. His face would blush red, his eyes would dart away, and then Connor would smirk with a satisfied smile he tried to hide from Jake to save him his own further embarrassment. The first time he saw it was when he had offered Connor his number—Connor watching him fumble over himself in entertainment like his awkward gestures were endearing. He knew then that Connor was going to be more than a friend because who the hell else would look at him like that?
Only Connor.
"Shut up." Jake mumbled as he tried to piece himself back together. "We're getting dinner."
"What if I say no?" Connor retorted.
"Then I hope you like being carried."
"I'd love to watch you try. I put up a hell of a fight..."
"I know you do." He placed another kiss into the top of Connor's head. "I'd still win though."
"Like hell." Connor shook his head, trying to find an angle to where he could look up to Jake with that ridiculous smile.
"You don't think I'm strong enough?"
Jake looked down to Connor while he shifted underneath him—trying to find himself back up in a sitting position. Connor ended up in front of him, tilting his head over as Jake adjusted to being able to finally see his face. He looked tired, so tired, but Jake knew better than to point that out, especially when he was currently trying to make a point that he wasn't as 'soft' as Connor thought.
"Oh, I have no doubt that you're strong enough..." He looked disinterested, but the way his hand found Jake's face said something different.
Jake made a careful note to himself not to lean into the touch, restraining every one of his natural desires to close his eyes and let Connor hold him however he wanted to. His eyes stayed fixed on Connor's, lips pressed together, jaw set in that determined way he had seen on the boy in front of him so many times before. If Connor was surprised, he didn't show it.
He leaned in close enough to where Jake could feel his breath painfully close to his own, and that wall came crashing down. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop himself from wanting to lean in to close the gap between them, his lips parting in anticipation before he could remember the stern line he had been holding them in. When his head leaned forward to the point where his nose brushed Connor's, the hand on his face became a little more present, a gentle hold that pushed his face back to where Connor wanted it. Jake closed his eyes so he didn't have to see the realization that he had just proved a point written in Connor's.
Fucking tease.
"But you'd never get that far." He mumbled and Jake felt every word on his skin.
Goddamnit, Connor.
His head hit the wall, but not nearly hard enough. Connor watched him, seemingly unaffected, but Jake didn't miss the smile he forced down almost as quickly as it breached his lips.
You're not as strong as you think either. That cool front never fooled me.
Connor watched him for a couple moments longer and then finally decided he was done proving his point. He had shown Jake just how easy it was to make him fold, but it wasn't like Jake hadn't already known that. Surrender had always come easy when Connor asked for it because Jake knew he was the one person who would never take advantage of it. It took Jake awhile to become comfortable with it when he first realized how scary it was, but he knew Connor didn't mean to use his 'soft' side against him like his father, or Hunter, or anyone else that wanted to take a knife to those soft edges to make them a little rougher. Connor wanted to protect it, he wanted to let Jake feel and to let him know he was safe to feel, and he was the only person who had ever presented such a puzzling safety to Jake in his life.
When Connor's hand left his face, Jake took it as an end to a discussion he hadn't realized they were having. He rushed forward to find Connor's lips, but was stopped once more when that hand returned on his jaw, holding him back with a soft smile as Connor brushed his thumb over his bottom lip.
"You're cute." He mumbled while he tilted Jake's head up, just enough to meet him in the eyes.
Just fucking kiss me already.
Jake hoped Connor might be able to see the pleading in his eyes with the way he watched them delicately with a smile, but Connor made no move to close the gap between them, and Jake thought he might have felt better being tortured. He knew physical pain like the back of his hand. He could tell when something had cut too deep, the difference between bruised, sprained, and broken, but this wasn't that. This was something he couldn't place and he didn't like it. It felt like rejection. He knew Connor was just playing with him, he knew it wasn't anything serious like Connor not wanting to kiss him, but being pushed back without a firm 'no' felt a whole lot like holding him back just to watch him struggle and the sensation felt too familiar for Jake to find comfort in it.
"Please don't." A pitiful whisper left his mouth that he should have had the ability to stop, but didn't want to.
He wanted Connor to hear it. He wanted him to know exactly what he was feeling by the subtle waver of his voice alone, and he did. Connor's eyes flashed remorse as quickly as the word entered his consciousness like it had touched some long lost memory that made him sick. Jake caught it only for a second before Connor had pulled him in for a kiss, soft and gentle, a reassurance that lasted too long to be an accident or Connor just doing what he was asked. It was an apology of sorts. A promise not to do it again—not to make him beg for something so simple. Connor crossed a line in his own mind, Jake felt it as he deepened into the kiss, his fingers drifting over Jake's jaw as they sought to pull him in, not hold him back.
'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.'
Jake heard Connor's thoughts as his own, but he almost wished he didn't know him that well.
Don't be sorry, just don't do it again.
He thought maybe his response would find him telepathically if he brushed his fingers over Connor's temple on the way back to his hair, but the likeness that it was anything other than a figment of Jake's imagination was slim.
They broke apart, but Jake continued to run his fingers back into Connor's hair, tracing every strand he could to the space behind his ear. Connor settled his forehead against Jake's, crushing curls of his overgrown sandy hair underneath, but Jake couldn't be bothered enough to swipe them away. He placed soft—almost imperceptible—kisses over the corners of Jake's mouth where his smile should have reached his cheeks, and for some reason it felt like a blanket that sought to comfort any hesitancy that still remained. It felt safe, and the more he leaned into it, the more Jake felt like an idiot for making Connor think what he had done crossed any lines.
I'm just fucking weak.
It stayed like that for what seemed like minutes, but ended up being something painfully shorter. When it ended abruptly, the moment seemed to have gone by too soon, Jake graveled to get it back while his heart stammered into reality.
Ricky had opened the door with his typical loud demeanor, but Jake hadn't realized what that meant until he was fumbling for his brain to tell him what to do. His first instinct was to push Connor as far away as possible, but he cut off the action before it reached his fingertips, electing instead to retract his hands back to his own body. Whereas Jake's skin was flushing red as he tried to catch up with his heart pounding in his chest, Connor seemed rather composed as he sat back into his bed—looking more annoyed than flustered. Jake refused to look Ricky in the eye, but he didn't have to look at him at all to gauge his reaction, it was written clearly in his voice.
"Interesting."
It was surprise, but pleasant. Jake had to steadily remind himself that Ricky wasn't homophobic before he started over analyzing his tone for any signs of malice. There wasn't any to be found... in fact, it was supportive despite his teasing nature. Even if Jake couldn't immediately tell, Connor could.
"Fuck off." He mumbled back.
Jake finally allowed himself to look up from where he was staring at his own lap, firstly to Connor, and then across the room to his roommate. Ricky wore a wicked smile that might have made Jake's thoughts go directly to Hunter, but his eyes were warm and his actions were gentle. He slid his backpack off his shoulder to toss it onto the floor and then pointed up to Jake with a bit of a teasing gesture as he stared at Connor.
"He's your type?"
Connor's face was an answer in itself. His eyebrows rose once in challenge as he stared down his roommate, and Jake felt for a moment that Connor might have wished death upon him. It didn't faze Ricky in the slightest. In fact, it only widened his smile more.
"No offense Jake, but... you're too nice."
Jake scoffed as he tried to shake his head while giving Ricky a teasing middle finger back.
"Connor's an asshole. Best of luck, dude." He leaned his weight into the top of his desk as he crossed his arms over to look at them.
Jake smiled even though he didn't mean to. He wouldn't dare admit he knew Ricky was right to a certain extent.
"He knows that already." Connor muttered, unimpressed.
Took the words right out of my mouth.
"Mmm, okay."
Ricky seemed to be content with going on about his business after that, but he stopped before he completely sat up from the desk. Jake watched his smile waver as his eyes darted from Jake to Connor like he was suddenly somewhere deep in thought about the two of them. Just when Jake thought he might have just been processing it, he sank back down against his desk and furrowed his eyes towards Jake.
"What?" Jake naturally questioned the look.
Ricky tilted his head over with something short of mockery.
"What, Ricky?" He repeated, gaining Connor's attention.
"He's not... your ex Connor, is he?"
"What?" Jake's confusion wore on his face as clear as day. "How would you–"
Ricky interrupted his question with a laugh.
"You told him about me?" Connor tilted his head over to Jake.
"I– no. I... don't think so."
"You were so wasted, man. It was at the party..."
Oh. That lost time dawned on him. Fuck.
"I didn't know you meant my fucking roommate!"
"Jesus..." Jake scrubbed his hands over his face trying to remember the night he had worked so hard on not remembering.
He wanted to ask what he had told Ricky, but maybe he was better off not knowing.
"Connor, he's a keeper." Ricky grinned. "He was pitiful."
"What?" Connor seemed a little alarmed by the comment, turning a concerned gaze to Jake as Jake fumbled to make sense of it. "What happened?"
"I got really fucking drunk after my birthday..."
"I'm surprised you didn't blackout, honestly. I kinda thought you would."
"Fucking great." Jake mumbled into his hands with regret.
Ricky picked up the story before Jake got the chance to recover. "He almost drunk-dialed you. I had to take his phone."
"You took his phone from him?"
"I gave it to him." Jake jumped in before Connor's tone turned too harsh for their previously teasing conversation.
"He missed you so much, it was kinda funny. I swear he would've cried if he heard your voice."
"I didn't think it was funny." Jake grumbled, but he knew he had no right to state how he felt about a situation he couldn't even remember much of.
"It wasn't, but it made a good story, yeah?"
"No."
Even though Jake should have recoiled from being touched in front of someone else, when Connor's hand landed back over his knee, he let it stay. His hands were too preoccupied hiding his face still from where he was hoping he could bring down his embarrassment to a light blush. However desperately he tried to remind himself that apparently nothing bad came out of that night concerning Connor, it still felt like a painful reminder that he was once incapable of controlling himself enough to keep his personal life to himself. At least out of everyone he could have whined about his love life to, it was Ricky and not any one of the other people at that party who might not have cared as much, or been interested in being nice to him about it.
Jake finally dragged his fingers down to his chin, clearing away any feelings of shame as he pushed them back to rub over his neck instead. He didn't know when it happened, but Connor had pulled out his phone somewhere along the way, typing out a one-handed message as his other thumb smoothed over Jake's jeans in an attempt to bring him comfort for his embarrassment. When Connor set his phone back down on his textbook, Ricky's phone chimed from the other side of the room, pulling Jake's attention from Connor's steady glare to Ricky's confused smile.
It was temporary, but Ricky's eyes flashed discomfort as he read over the message, returning his phone down to his desk as he met Jake's eyes instead of Connor's. Jake could have asked either one of them what had just happened, but the long-gone smile on Ricky's face and the utterly unfaltering cool on Connor's scared the shit out of him more than he wanted to admit. Whatever Connor had said, Ricky didn't like it, but Jake wouldn't dare put himself in the middle of a war zone over the sake of knowing what a text read.
All he knew was Connor looked scarily defensive, and he wouldn't sit by and watch that cool simmer turn to calculated rage.
"Dinner?" Jake suggested, pushing out on Connor's shoulder lightly to gain his attention.
"Right." He took a deep breath like breaking from a spell. "Sure."
Ricky stayed silent as they got up from the bed—Connor collecting all his things and throwing them carelessly down on the desk in front of the bed where he would find them later, Jake pulling on his jacket carefully, avoiding glancing at either one of them for fear of accidentally starting a fight. When Jake heard Connor's lanyard jangle from his hand, he took it as a cue to leave, and followed right behind him as they made their way to the hallway without a word.
He didn't know any other ways to describe the interaction besides uncomfortable. Where things had gone wrong, he hadn't quite realized, but Connor did. There was a gentle balance between teasing and humiliation that Connor seemed to pick up on like he had been waiting for Ricky to cross the line the entire time. Jake knew the animosity wasn't completely his fault. Something about the two was tense even before he had been used as a playing piece in their pissing match. When they had all moved in, Jake had wondered how long it would take Ricky to piss Connor off, and although it seemed to have taken longer than he thought, there was no mistaking the way he acted as friendly banter. Connor was pissed about something—or maybe everything. Jake couldn't help but wonder if it had to do anything with why he was so stressed.
"Hey," He bumped into Connor's shoulder as they walked down the hallway. "What did you say to him?"
"Hm?"
Don't play dumb with me. We both know we're smarter than that.
"Ricky... what did you text him?"
Connor faked a smile, but it wasn't reassuring in the slightest.
"What he needed to hear."