Far From Home - Chapter 29: Chapter 29

Late November
Connor asked Jake if he had fallen asleep as soon as the movie ended. Besides the fact that hearing his voice woke him up, Jake told a convincing lie about how he had been awake the whole time. Could he remember the last half of the movie? No. Did he have any clue what the end credit scenes were about? No. But was Jake awake the entire time? By his account, yes.
It wasn't his fault he hadn't gotten much sleep this week from sleep-talking himself awake, or that Connor was way too warm and it was much too cold for the end of November to avoid feeling comfortable enough to pass out. The laptop was out on Andre's bed rolling credits since the two of them had realized quite quickly that these dorm beds were much smaller than they thought to hold the two of them and the device. Jake's back was against the wall as he nestled into Connor in front of him, one arm underneath Connor's neck on the pillow, the other curled around his chest like Jake was afraid to let go. He had fallen asleep like that, forehead buried in Connor's hair just like those summer days when they fell asleep like this on purpose, knowing it was the closest either was going to get to the other. Those were nights where Connor's bed felt like the safest place in the world, the truest version of himself and everything he wished for left in the secrecy of the room Connor called home.
He wanted to think he moved past that. Not spending nights with Connor, but thinking that enclosed spaces like his bedroom were the only places they were safe. He wanted to move past that, but even though he convinced himself he had come so far in the three months he had spent away from home, a part of him was still scared he would falter when things got too real.
I can't fuck this up again.
God, please don't let me fuck this up again.
Underneath him, Connor took a deep breath that felt too much like preparing to get up and Jake's arm tightened around his waist to hold him back.
"Stay." He grumbled into Connor's neck with a voice that was much too groggy to have been awake the whole time.
"Tonight?" Connor's hand found its way up to Jake's on the pillow underneath him and wound their fingers together.
Jake buried his nose into Connor's neck. "Every night."
"I'm sure Andre doesn't want another roommate."
"We can kick him out."
Connor laughed, and Jake felt it in his chest like his own. "You're an asshole."
"Mm, maybe."
"Do you think he would get along with Ricky?"
Jake allowed himself a short, hysterical laugh. "No."
"Yeah, me neither." Connor mumbled. "It was worth a shot though."
Their fingers were laced together quite loosely, but Jake still managed to feel Connor's thumb brush over the outside of his own like it had the night of their first date. The version of Jake that had sat in the truck that night scared out of his mind to tell Connor how he felt could never have imagined laying in a dorm room with him, watching movies on a shitty laptop like normal people living a normal life. Nothing about that summer was normal, yet Jake had convinced himself it was all they could have, and all he deserved. Connor might have deserved a normal life, but Jake never thought he did as well. Normalcy was something for people who weren't scared of going on dates or kissing a boy in public, not people who fucked up the only chance they had to prove a point that they weren't scared of those things with the person they wanted that life with.
What good was trying to find a new version of himself if he was only going to resort back to being a scared little boy who couldn't handle what that life entailed?
Fuck.
"I'm sorry about tonight." He whispered just loud enough for Connor to hear.
Connor stilled. "Mmm, about what?"
"Not being able to handle going out like that. It was my idea, and it's fucked up–"
"I wanted to leave, remember?"
"I know you noticed, Connor. You're not stupid. Don't try to make me feel better. I fucked up, and I'm sorry."
"You didn't fuck up, Jake." Connor shifted his head along Jake's arm. "I don't want you to do things you're uncomfortable with."
You deserve to have someone who's comfortable being out in public with you.
"It's fucking pathetic, Connor." Jake leaned his head into Connor's neck. "How can I be comfortable with you, but only when no one can see us? Do you know how sad that is?"
"I don't think it's sad... I think it's where you draw the line, and that's okay with me."
"Like being a coward is some sort of boundary?"
"You call yourself that one more time, I dare you." Connor cautioned him with a warning tone, but the kiss he placed to the inside of Jake's arm took all the bite away.
"I don't think I can be out... like that..." Jake closed his eyes even though he couldn't see Connor's face to read his disappointment. "I thought I could... I want to... but, I can't. Not yet."
"And if it's not ever, I'll still be here."
"Why?"
"God, you worry so much about the littlest shit." Connor shook his head. "Get out of your head, Jake."
How can you not worry about it? Do you really not think about it?
"Don't you ever wish I was–"
"No." He cut Jake off. "I like you just the way you are. Stop it."
Fucked up and everything? Are you sure?
"I don't deserve you." Jake whispered.
"You didn't the first time you said that either." Connor mumbled into his arm with the beginnings of a mocking smile Jake could feel spread against his skin.
Jake couldn't help but smile as he tightened his grip on Connor's hand.
"Fuck off."
"Didn't you just ask me to stay?" He shot back.
"Mhm, okay."
"I'd be happy to go. I mean, Ricky and I can just stare at the wall for the next two hours instead."
"Shut up." Jake kissed the back of Connor's neck, and like it had rendered him incapable of a snarky comeback, he actually listened.
The room fell eerily silent without a movie playing in the background. Jake could hear Connor breathe each steady slow breath that felt too close to the edge of sleep. He listened to each and every one, trying to see if he could remember how they sounded on any one of those summer nights when the air was humid and felt like a weight to breathe. It sounded like Connor, nothing more, nothing less.
Just when he thought Connor might have actually lulled himself to sleep in those few minutes between words, his voice interrupted the silence again. Jake closed his eyes to listen to him talk, feeling the vibration of his voice against his skin.
"You'd tell me if you were uncomfortable, right?"
Jake took a deep breath. "What do you mean?"
"Like..." Connor's voice faded in thought. "Like... not going on dates... I mean... you wouldn't ever say yes just because you think it's something I want, right?"
Oh.
Is that what we're talking about now?
Why?
"I mean it every time I say it."
"But would you say no if I pushed you too far?"
You're too cautious to make a mistake like that.
"I have before." Jake mumbled with a smile. "But even then it was a yes in disguise."
"I'm not joking, okay?" Connor tapped his thumb out along the side of Jake's hand, and if Jake didn't know any better, he might have mistaken it for anxiety.
"Okay."
"So, if I say..." He traced his thumb down Jake's. "Can I kiss you?"
Jake grinned, but Connor made no effort to turn around. "Yes. Every time."
Connor's lips found their way to the inside of Jake's arm again and kissed him once, slowly but gently in the soft skin below his wrist.
"Bet you didn't think it would be like that, hm?" He whispered against his skin.
"You're mean."
"Mmm, Ricky warned you."
I don't need his warning.
"Can I kiss you?" Jake countered.
"I suppose."
Connor smiled to taunt him—Jake watched it on his face as he leaned next to Connor's ear to kiss the soft spot under the back of his jaw. The very touch made Connor's mouth fall open, that wild smile coming loose as Jake trailed his lips to find it. The arm that had been holding on to Connor dearly for comfort had now dug into the bed for balance as he moved to find Connor's face in front of him, meeting his mouth to take his bottom lip between his own. Connor's hand fell from Jake's on the pillow below his head, using that hand instead to grab onto his face as he shifted to face Jake head on instead of in front of him.
When Connor's body angled even more towards him, his weight became familiar. Jake allowed himself to fall back into the bed, separating from Connor's mouth for the moment it took to find himself caught between the thighs that straddled him. Connor leaned down, just a breath away, but didn't kiss him quite yet. Instead he took Jake's eyes with his own, and however interested they might have looked to take the answer from his lips, Connor's round of questions continued.
"Is it okay when I'm on top of you like this?" He whispered.
Fuck. That shouldn't have sounded so hot.
Jake nodded, pleasantly lost for words, but Connor's brows raised like he wouldn't take that for an answer.
Are you really going to make me say it?
"Yes."
Connor kissed him like a reward. His hands trailed to find Jake's as he did, pulling away once he found both wrists, pushing them down into the bed beside Jake's head with intertwined fingers like he had done nearly every time they ended up in this position.
"Or when I hold you like this?"
Jake closed his eyes. "Mhm."
Another kiss.
"Connor?"
"Hm?" He backed away slowly, but Jake watched his flirty smile turn into something serious.
Looking at Connor with a question forming at his lips he realized his problem wasn't with saying 'yes' or 'no,' it was about asking Connor the questions that warranted those answers too. The only questions he had ever asked before were the ones he already knew the answers to. This was venturing into uncharted territory, but Jake figured it was fair to ask him even if he was only going to reject him. After all, this was all about finding the 'no's wasn't it?
He slipped his hands out from underneath Connors' with ease. They ended up at the hem at the bottom of his sweatshirt.
"Can I take this off?" His voice was slow and steady, masking the nerves he felt by asking to take another step forward.
Jake's face must have been red because Connor looked at him with that sly amusement before realizing he also had to answer.
"If you want to."
Connor sat back on Jake's legs to allow him to sit up, and as he did, Jake curled the fabric of his sweatshirt underneath his fingers, going slowly—agonizingly so—to make Connor feel the same way he felt all those times he had come undone by his touch. As Jake slipped it over Connor's arms, over his head, Connor's hair fell back to his face in a disheveled mess, the perfect amount of disorganization to make Jake want to fix it—or mess it up even more. He got distracted by Connor's smile, small but devious, meeting him for a kiss as his fingers trailed down to the hem of Jake's shirt, tapping out twice on the skin at his waist like a question.
"Mhm." Jake hummed against his mouth, breaking away so Connor could pull his shirt off much quicker than Jake had managed with him.
All that time spent thinking about what to wear, and now none of it matters.
Months ago, Jake would never have been able to imagine taking off his shirt in front of Connor, too scared by the thought that he might ask about the two very obvious scars on his body that he wouldn't be able to explain the way Connor would have wanted him to. Now it didn't matter. Connor had seen them, he knew where they were and why they were there, and he didn't seem to give it much thought as his eyes scanned over Jake's bare chest in front of him like he couldn't wait to get his hands on it, despite his own thinly-concealed patience.
Before his imagination got the best of him, Connor leaned in to meet him with a kiss, but Jake pulled back with a smile. He lowered his head instead to the space below Connor's collarbone—something not typically available to him—and hovered, just an inch away from his skin.
"Can I?"
Hands were in his hair, trying to answer for a speechless Connor, but if Connor wouldn't take silence for an answer, neither would Jake. He waited patiently for Connor to take a deep breath, when he did, the words fell from his mouth more hushed than normal—desperate to control them.
"Don't go too low..."
Jake's hands fell down to Connor's waist as a resting place. "Tell me when you want me to stop."
He started high, placing a kiss into the base of his neck that caused Connor's breath to hitch. While it shouldn't have given him some sick satisfaction, Jake smiled knowing Connor was just as helpless as he was sometimes, however rare these interactions were. Connor's hands were in his hair, but they didn't move—they didn't pull him in any direction or tell him to stop. He was remarkably still as Jake moved down the center of his chest, trailing kisses from his neck to however low Connor would allow him. It ended up being the first kiss below his diaphragm when he finally broke, voice low but oddly strained.
"Enough."
"Okay." Jake whispered into his skin, his grip on Connor's waist falling slack in case he needed to retreat.
He didn't move Jake's hands immediately like Jake had expected him to. He left them there while his own hands curled into Jake's hair, pulling him back up to his face, tilting his head back just enough to where Jake's open mouth smile met Connor's chin as he tried to catch Connor's eyes with his own. Connor looked at him, but it wasn't like anything he'd ever seen before. It was dark and controlled, a look that could have made Jake say yes to anything... but beneath it all there was something else that Jake caught in the faint glow of the streetlight that shone into Connor's eyes from the blinds. If Jake didn't know any better, he might have thought Connor Morgan was scared. It was so slight he almost didn't catch it, but just as soon as his smile began to fade to figure it out, Connor's lips were back on his to steal away his thoughts.
Jake thought if he could have lived like this forever, he would have. He had once thought about how content he would have been dying after nights with Connor that felt too good to be true, but this was different. This was a feeling he wanted to live for. He didn't want it to fade away behind some barrier he had kept all his memories of Connor behind to protect them from the real world, he wanted Connor to be his real world.
Could we have this forever?
Does it ever have to end?
A part of himself knew the answer was yes. Everything ends. Night and day, life and death. One thing ends and the other begins. There was a running joke his father absolutely stole from someone else that the only certain things in life were death and taxes. Nothing else was ever truly certain, not even the things that seemed so concrete like family, the sunshine on his face, or each breath he took thinking another would come in right behind it. He was guaranteed nothing in this world. While a part of him might have been scared of losing everything, the other part was scared he had nothing worth losing. What good was trying to beat the inevitability of endings when he had spent his whole life avoiding beginnings?
Connor was a beginning just as much as he had been an ending. He was an ending to a life Jake had lived that brought him no peace, as much as he had convinced himself it had. He was a beginning to understanding what it meant to live, and what it meant to have something worth losing. Jake had already lost him once trying to figure out what it meant to live, he knew now exactly what he wanted—exactly what he needed—to make life a little more real.
It started and ended with Connor.
It was the gentle way Connor's hands pushed him back into the bed. It was the soft kiss he placed on his cheek as his hands trailed over Jake's shoulders. It was the warmth of the skin pinning his body still against the mattress that Jake had come to trace over like memorizing a map that would do him no good—he would get lost in it every time. It was the ghosting of Connor's lips as they whispered words into his neck.
"Where can I touch you?"
Jake wished his voice would have sounded more confident than pleading, but he couldn't stop the way it fell from his lips as Connor pressed a kiss into his neck that felt like unraveling him on purpose.
"Anywhere."
He said anywhere, but Connor didn't go below his waist, not even once.
Connor was slow—painfully slow. He worked his way down Jake's chest, his lips hovering over nearly every inch of his skin he could find, waiting to gauge Jake's reaction before he finally kissed him. Jake didn't know if the slow pace was for his sake or Connor's, but it made every moment that Connor's lips weren't on his skin the greatest test of patience Jake had ever come close to failing. At one point, Connor had come to pin him still with his hands pressed down on his waist, but that just left Jake more flustered than anything. Connor's hands were too close and Jake had never felt such an undying urge to move them where he wanted, but he wouldn't—he couldn't. He rolled his head back into the bed frustrated, but kept his hands to himself.
Fuck.
Connor must have noticed because Jake could feel a smile break out across his skin towards the right side of his waist.
"So touch starved." He mumbled, almost jokingly, but it wasn't a joke.
He was right, and Jake hated it.
"Shut up." Hushed words fell from his lips.
Connor smiled—Jake wished he could have seen it instead of felt it.
"You don't have to be embarrassed... I won't hold it against you..."
He broke his sentence with a kiss.
"Unless you want me to."
So smug aren't you?
Jake closed his eyes, but it didn't do him any good.
Fuck you, Connor.
God, no... fuck me.
What the fuck, Jake?!
He opened his eyes back up before his imagination took him places he didn't like to be. The further Connor went, the more he lost control of his own thoughts. It happened gradually, like turning up the volume of an intrusive voice in the back of his head he had been ignoring for years telling him he was capable of feeling such things. Every time Connor redrew boundaries, the voice came closer and closer to sounding like his own. Despite how much he fought to keep it back all those years, it didn't scare him as much as it should have. It may have been new, or uncomfortable, but it didn't mean he couldn't get used to it. With Connor's hands on his waist and his thighs straddling his own, he wanted to get used to it sooner rather than later.
He was shaken from his thoughts as soon as Connor found the left side of his waist, painfully close to somewhere he didn't want him to be. Jake had said anywhere. He thought he meant it. Nothing had made him regret it so far, and he was content with that. But Connor's mouth was inches away from an all too familiar reminder of his past, and suddenly he found himself much too tense to realize when his body had shut down from enjoying Connor's touch, focusing only on how close he was to the scar of a life once lived.
"No." He rushed out as soon as he could. "No."
Jake reached to find Connor's hair—to pull him back in case he hadn't heard the desperate whispers that left his mouth. He couldn't have that. There was a reason Jake had never told him to begin with. It reminded him of all he had to lose, and even as far away as that world was, that fear was real and Jake wasn't willing to let it consume him a second time.
Connor had backed away the second Jake tensed up, but Jake hadn't realized Connor had acted before the words even left his mouth. His hands didn't hold him down anymore, they had moved to the side of the bed so Jake could move, but Jake didn't want to move. He didn't want to stop, he just didn't want that. Pulling Connor's head back to his face, he ran his fingers back through those soft dark strands that had once been the first thing he noticed about him. As Connor moved his hands back up to Jake, he grabbed ahold of one of Jake's arms, but didn't pull it away like he might have in an attempt to push his hands back into the bed. Instead, he placed a kiss on the inside of Jake's wrist, a spot so soft his pulse would echo into his lips.
"Thank you." He said into his skin, but Jake could hear it clear as day.
Jake didn't have to ask what for. He knew. Connor asked him to let him know when he crossed the line and Jake stopped him before he got there. It was exactly what he wanted him to do—not saying 'yes' to anything just for his sake. There was a fair amount of vulnerability that was required for him to be that honest, but Jake did it anyway.
"You okay?"
"Yeah." Jake nodded, more so than he meant to, but he knew Connor would need convincing.
"Are you sure?"
"Absolutely positive."
"Okay."
However badly Jake might have wanted to continue along the route they were going, Connor drifted back to a safe space, keeping his kisses on Jake's mouth instead of anywhere else. He laid down on top of him quite innocently, their bodies pressed together to avoid letting Jake's hands roam to anywhere other than his back. Although it wasn't heated, it was warm, and the more Jake leaned into it, the more he realized that he didn't mind the change one bit.
It was a blanket of security he wanted to fall asleep in every night.
When Connor's head ended up on his chest, taking in small breaths that lasted for ages, Jake let the rise and fall of his own chest under Connor's put him to sleep. He didn't have every night. He knew he had tonight, and maybe tomorrow, but once Andre came back from seeing his family for the holiday, once the next holiday break came, what more would he have after that? He and Connor were promised nothing.
It made him loathe how much time they wasted over the summer, taking things painfully slow so Jake could bear to live in his own skin. So much time, so much patience, so many things he should have said and did to make it all worth it. All for them to end up here.
Connor didn't believe in fate, but Jake did.
There was no other possible explanation for why God had set him in his path for a second time. They didn't have to end up at the same school, in the same hall, on the same floor, directly across from each other, but they did. Jake didn't have to go to that Halloween party, but—despite the logical voice telling him not to—he did. Connor didn't have to let him in a second time, but he did. None of it had to end up with them wrapped up in each other's arms stuck in the serenity of a silent night, but it did.
All of it came back to this.
He was stupid to ever have questioned it.